The Drew Carey Show Quotes
[After Lewis and Oswald have been taking smart pills with no apparent effect]
Oswald: Let's go get something soft to eat. My cavity is hurting and neurons are spiking through my cerebral cortex like electrons through a linear accelerator.
Lewis: ...What'd you say?
Oswald: ...I said, "Let's get yogurt."
Lewis: Oh, okay. For a minute there I thought you said something smart. [They start to leave] Hey, are they still using linear accelerators?
Oswald: Actually, most particle accelerators are circular.
Lewis: Don't you mean "elliptical"?
Oswald: Ah, but aren't all circles ellipses? [They laugh] ... where's the car?
[They look around stupidly]
Oswald: Let's go get something soft to eat. My cavity is hurting and neurons are spiking through my cerebral cortex like electrons through a linear accelerator.
Lewis: ...What'd you say?
Oswald: ...I said, "Let's get yogurt."
Lewis: Oh, okay. For a minute there I thought you said something smart. [They start to leave] Hey, are they still using linear accelerators?
Oswald: Actually, most particle accelerators are circular.
Lewis: Don't you mean "elliptical"?
Oswald: Ah, but aren't all circles ellipses? [They laugh] ... where's the car?
[They look around stupidly]
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Kate: We're not going to fight for a job.
Lewis: What if we provide a cage?
Lewis: What if we provide a cage?
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Drew: If Kate gets the job, then it's not because she's the best friend a guy could ever have. And if Lisa gets the job, then it's not because that's the only chance we have of dating. But if Mimi gets the job, I want you to kill me and find the microchip. I'd rather be dead than serve those stinking extraterrestrials!
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Kate: I actually learned something about myself; I don't have to resort to anger.
Drew: You tried to kill that lady's dog and cat.
Kate: Oh, you heard that?
Drew: You tried to kill that lady's dog and cat.
Kate: Oh, you heard that?
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Chuck: Should I cut off the airflow? Seal a few vents in the area? Takes the fight right out of them.
Drew: Nah, maybe later, just for fun.
Drew: Nah, maybe later, just for fun.
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Mimi: [Mimi walks to her desk and sees the man who looks exactly like Drew.] So much crap, they had to start a second pile.
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Kate: I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be? Men are slime.
Oswald: Amen to that, sister!
Oswald: Amen to that, sister!
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Kate: Kiss me.
Drew: What?!
[Kate leans in closer.]
Kate: Kiss!
Drew: Hey, you don't know what you're saying. You're drunk. And you've been throwing up.
Drew: What?!
[Kate leans in closer.]
Kate: Kiss!
Drew: Hey, you don't know what you're saying. You're drunk. And you've been throwing up.
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Kate: Besides, I can have any man in this bar! Am I right? [Climbs on table]
Drew: Hey, she's been drinking! And I know there's not a man in this bar who'd take advantage of a woman who's been drinking.
Oswald: [whispering] I have a gun.
Drew: I have a gun!
Drew: Hey, she's been drinking! And I know there's not a man in this bar who'd take advantage of a woman who's been drinking.
Oswald: [whispering] I have a gun.
Drew: I have a gun!
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Drew: You were drunk? Oh no. What am I going to do with this ring? And I already broke up with Lisa. I told my mother. She was so happy. [Pretends to cry] How could you do this to me? I suppose the sex didn't mean anything to you either!
Kate: Drew?
Drew': [still fake crying] What?!
Kate: You had so much to drink you couldn't even get your eyelids up.
Kate: Drew?
Drew': [still fake crying] What?!
Kate: You had so much to drink you couldn't even get your eyelids up.
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Drew: This could work out, but you know, you'd have to be drunk all the time.
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Drew: It's okay, Kate. There'll be other guys. Of course, your mom'll hate 'em, but eventually she'll be dead.
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Lewis: [to the waitress] Who the hell are you? What are you doing in my rumpus room?
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Mrs. O'Brien: So what's the matter? He's too stable? He's got too good of a job. Oh, he treats you too nicely. You know, I think you ought to stop looking at the guys with the tightest butts [pantomimes a butt with her hands] and start looking at [puts hands much further apart] Drew.
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Kate: You're right. You know, I should call Drew right now and see if he wants to start a relationship. Because it's the end of the world, and my mother's been chugging COUGH SYRUP again!
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Jay: But I don't have room in the cab.
Drew: Yeah, but you'd have room if your life depended on it, wouldn't you, buddy? Hear what I'm saying? Fire in the hole!
Drew: Yeah, but you'd have room if your life depended on it, wouldn't you, buddy? Hear what I'm saying? Fire in the hole!
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Drew: Hi, Mimi. Say, anyone ever mistake you for a woman?
Mimi: I'll have you know that men find me...
Drew: Yeah, I know. They find you with the lights out, or they find you at last call, or they find you blocking the view of the woman they want to hit on.
Mimi: I'll have you know that men find me...
Drew: Yeah, I know. They find you with the lights out, or they find you at last call, or they find you blocking the view of the woman they want to hit on.
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Drew: What do you think of Jay? He's a pretty nice guy, huh?
Mrs. O'Brien: Actually, he scares the life out of me.
Drew: No, Oswald's the one with the curly hair.
Mrs. O'Brien: Actually, he scares the life out of me.
Drew: No, Oswald's the one with the curly hair.
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Lewis: Now do you think there's any way we can prove that Oswald's mentally incompetent?
Mrs. O'Brien: I think it would be harder to prove that he's not.
Mrs. O'Brien: I think it would be harder to prove that he's not.
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Drew: You've finally got a guy you can take home to Mom. What's not to like? [to Jay] I'd lose the earring.
Oswald: I'd take the hair down an inch.
Lewis: And how 'bout a skosh more room in those jeans?
Oswald: I'd take the hair down an inch.
Lewis: And how 'bout a skosh more room in those jeans?
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Kate: [after her mother gives her a sweater] Ooh, I hope this is the one that lands me a man!
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Drew: I want this promotion more than anything.
Lewis: More than pubic hair when you were twelve?
Drew: Yeah, like I used that for the next eight years.
Oswald: What's it for anyway?
Jay: It's like the lettuce on the fruit plate. It's just for presentation.
Lewis: More than pubic hair when you were twelve?
Drew: Yeah, like I used that for the next eight years.
Oswald: What's it for anyway?
Jay: It's like the lettuce on the fruit plate. It's just for presentation.
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Oswald: If you'd bothered to swallow that, you would have realized it had absolutely no aftertaste.
Lewis: [Takes a sip, puckers lips, then smiles] You're right! The foul rotten egg taste is gone!
Lewis: [Takes a sip, puckers lips, then smiles] You're right! The foul rotten egg taste is gone!
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Mr. Bell: What's the matter, Carey? You act like you've never seen me before.
TV Show: The Drew Carey Show