The Golden Girls Quotes
Blanche: [explaining what happened with Sven] I did kiss him, but it was just pretend. We were having lunch at Fairview Gardens when Floyd McAllen walked in with another woman, so I pretended Swen was my boyfriend just to make Floyd jealous.
Dorothy: Did you explain any of this to Sven?
Blanche: I assumed he knew!
Dorothy: Blanche, how could you assume anything?! The man offered to kill dinner for us last night!
Blanche: Maybe I made a mistake, but I don't think I did anything so terrible!
Rose: Well, I do! There is a sweet, innocent man in there whose heart is gonna get broken because you decided to use him in one of your little petty games.
Blanche: Rose, that's only one side of it. Look at the other side - he did get to kiss me!
Dorothy: Big deal. More people get to kiss you than the Pope's ring!
Dorothy: Did you explain any of this to Sven?
Blanche: I assumed he knew!
Dorothy: Blanche, how could you assume anything?! The man offered to kill dinner for us last night!
Blanche: Maybe I made a mistake, but I don't think I did anything so terrible!
Rose: Well, I do! There is a sweet, innocent man in there whose heart is gonna get broken because you decided to use him in one of your little petty games.
Blanche: Rose, that's only one side of it. Look at the other side - he did get to kiss me!
Dorothy: Big deal. More people get to kiss you than the Pope's ring!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: I got caught up at work and I barely had time to pick up this cake. I wanted to make Sven feel welcome.
Blanche: Rose! That cake is from the Get It While It's Hot Erotic Bake Shop!
Dorothy: [opening up the cake box and then quickly closing it] WHOA!!!!!
Blanche: Why, Rose Nylund, why, that cake is in the shape of...
Dorothy: Blanche, we know what it is.
Rose: I thought it was in the shape of Florida!
Blanche: That reminds me...I wanna give Charlie Milbourne a call.
Dorothy: If this cake reminds you of Charlie Milbourne we can both give him a call!
Blanche: Rose! That cake is from the Get It While It's Hot Erotic Bake Shop!
Dorothy: [opening up the cake box and then quickly closing it] WHOA!!!!!
Blanche: Why, Rose Nylund, why, that cake is in the shape of...
Dorothy: Blanche, we know what it is.
Rose: I thought it was in the shape of Florida!
Blanche: That reminds me...I wanna give Charlie Milbourne a call.
Dorothy: If this cake reminds you of Charlie Milbourne we can both give him a call!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: $5000...we don't have that kind of money!
IRS Auditor: Uncle Sam doesn't like to hear that.
Dorothy: Aunt Dorothy doesn't enjoy saying it!
IRS Auditor: Uncle Sam doesn't like to hear that.
Dorothy: Aunt Dorothy doesn't enjoy saying it!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
IRS Auditor: I expect you each to cough up $2500 in 10 days.
Dorothy: What if we can't!
IRS Auditor: We'll just have to put a lien on your bank accounts, your mortgage, and your salaries, and if THAT doesn't work, we'll just have to incarcerate you.
Stan: Oh my God. We'll go to jail!
Dorothy: That's right Stanley, and please, let me know where you and Bubba register for your china [slaps him on the back and storms out].
Dorothy: What if we can't!
IRS Auditor: We'll just have to put a lien on your bank accounts, your mortgage, and your salaries, and if THAT doesn't work, we'll just have to incarcerate you.
Stan: Oh my God. We'll go to jail!
Dorothy: That's right Stanley, and please, let me know where you and Bubba register for your china [slaps him on the back and storms out].
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: Still worried about the money you owe the government?
Dorothy: Oh no, Blanche, I'm worried about whether Michael Jackson will be able to buy the remains of the Elephant Man.
Rose: Really? Gee, I'd be worried about the money.
Dorothy: Oh no, Blanche, I'm worried about whether Michael Jackson will be able to buy the remains of the Elephant Man.
Rose: Really? Gee, I'd be worried about the money.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Sophia: Let me tell you girls the three most important things I've learned about life. Number one, hold fast to your friends. Number two, there's no such thing as security. Number three, don't go see Ishtar. Woof! [makes face]
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: [on why she's excited about taking a night-school Spanish class with Rose] Men go to night school - smart men. And nothing turns me on more than a smart man. Unless it's a stupid man with good hands.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: You know that promotion I'm up for at the counseling center? Well, I found out I can't have it unless I become bilingual.
Blanche: Oh, honey, don't do that! No job is worth having to date women!
Dorothy: Blanche, "bilingual" refers to a person who speaks more than one language.
Blanche: [laughing] Oh! Why'd I think it was something sexual?
Blanche: Oh, honey, don't do that! No job is worth having to date women!
Dorothy: Blanche, "bilingual" refers to a person who speaks more than one language.
Blanche: [laughing] Oh! Why'd I think it was something sexual?
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: The REAL problem is you, Blanche. You are selfish.
Blanche: Oh, please! Everybody always says what a giving person I am!
Sophia: She's talking about when you're in an upright position!
Blanche: Oh, please! Everybody always says what a giving person I am!
Sophia: She's talking about when you're in an upright position!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Man: [in a flashback scene, responding to a personal ad of Dorothy's that Rose put in the newspaper] Dorothy?
Dorothy: Have we met?
Man: Not yet. I'm here because of your ad in the paper, "Willing to do anything - $8 an hour, no job too big or small."
Dorothy: Yes, yes, of course, please come in. I'm sorry, I didn't expect people to actually come here, I just figured, you know, that I would be going to them.
Man: That's the way it'll work in the future, when my video camera gets back from the shop.
Dorothy: So tell me, what kind of work is it that you need done, Mr.---
Man: Toto.
Dorothy: ---Mr. Toto?
Man: Oh, no "Mr.," just "Toto." You're Dorothy, and I'm Toto. At least for the next eight dollars.
Rose: Dorothy, you owe me an apology; your ad's right here. [points to newspaper]
Dorothy: Oh Rose, this is the Personals column!
Rose: So what?
Dorothy: So what? You put an ad in the personals column that said I will do anything for eight dollars an hour?! Right under an ad that reads, "History professor seeking non-smoking Oriental woman who is into Wesson Oil and bears a resemblance to Florence Henderson."
Man: Is that signed "Doug"?
Dorothy: Yes.
Man: I know him; he's a sick man.
Dorothy: [showing her visitor to the door] I'm terribly sorry for this mixup; goodbye.
[The man leaves, and a priest then walks up to the open door]
Dorothy: Oh my GOD, I don't believe this! I'm going to call the cops if you don't get out of here right away, you PERVERT!
Sophia: [walks up carrying a large box and hands it to the bewildered-looking priest] Hi, Father Rossi! Here's the canned goods for the needy!
Dorothy: [mortified] Oh, no... <
Dorothy: Have we met?
Man: Not yet. I'm here because of your ad in the paper, "Willing to do anything - $8 an hour, no job too big or small."
Dorothy: Yes, yes, of course, please come in. I'm sorry, I didn't expect people to actually come here, I just figured, you know, that I would be going to them.
Man: That's the way it'll work in the future, when my video camera gets back from the shop.
Dorothy: So tell me, what kind of work is it that you need done, Mr.---
Man: Toto.
Dorothy: ---Mr. Toto?
Man: Oh, no "Mr.," just "Toto." You're Dorothy, and I'm Toto. At least for the next eight dollars.
Rose: Dorothy, you owe me an apology; your ad's right here. [points to newspaper]
Dorothy: Oh Rose, this is the Personals column!
Rose: So what?
Dorothy: So what? You put an ad in the personals column that said I will do anything for eight dollars an hour?! Right under an ad that reads, "History professor seeking non-smoking Oriental woman who is into Wesson Oil and bears a resemblance to Florence Henderson."
Man: Is that signed "Doug"?
Dorothy: Yes.
Man: I know him; he's a sick man.
Dorothy: [showing her visitor to the door] I'm terribly sorry for this mixup; goodbye.
[The man leaves, and a priest then walks up to the open door]
Dorothy: Oh my GOD, I don't believe this! I'm going to call the cops if you don't get out of here right away, you PERVERT!
Sophia: [walks up carrying a large box and hands it to the bewildered-looking priest] Hi, Father Rossi! Here's the canned goods for the needy!
Dorothy: [mortified] Oh, no... <
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Sophia: My name is Sophia Petrillo and my idea of a good psychiatrist is a bartender who pours without a spout.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
[A flashback scene. Blanche is trying to convince Dorothy, who is sick, to go on a double date the two had agreed on.]
Dorothy: Blanche, PLEASE! My body aches!
Blanche: Well, so does mine, honey. That's why I wanna go on this date.
Dorothy: Blanche, PLEASE! My body aches!
Blanche: Well, so does mine, honey. That's why I wanna go on this date.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: It is mind over matter. Now, Dorothy, you can get up off that couch! You're not sick anymore, Dorothy! You can... HEAL YOURSELF! WALK, DOROTHY, WALK!
Sophia: Hey, just because you put your makeup on with a butter knife, doesn't make you Tammy Bakker.
Sophia: Hey, just because you put your makeup on with a butter knife, doesn't make you Tammy Bakker.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Sophia: [to Blanche] You know what I can't stand anymore? That phony accent of yours. What is this, Designing Women?
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: Ma, another hot toddy? I think I've had enough!
Sophia: Shut up and drink.
Dorothy: This is the fourth one! Ma, that's an awful lot of whiskey!
Sophia: I only put whiskey in the first one.
Dorothy: Oh.
Sophia: The second and third were vodka.
Dorothy: No wonder my head is spinning!
Sophia: This one's part Amaretto, part Sambuca. That should kill everything. It killed your father.
Sophia: Shut up and drink.
Dorothy: This is the fourth one! Ma, that's an awful lot of whiskey!
Sophia: I only put whiskey in the first one.
Dorothy: Oh.
Sophia: The second and third were vodka.
Dorothy: No wonder my head is spinning!
Sophia: This one's part Amaretto, part Sambuca. That should kill everything. It killed your father.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: [on Blanche] I think she's a gerchominochen!
Doctor: Well, what exactly does that mean?
Rose: Literally, it's the precise moment when dog doo turns white.
[Pause, as Blanche is shown with a horrified and shocked look on her face.]
Rose: But in general, it refers to the kind of person you don't want to share your hodenkugels with.
Dorothy: Rose, if you say one more of those stupid words, so help me...
Rose: Oh, blow it out your tubenburbles!
Doctor: Well, what exactly does that mean?
Rose: Literally, it's the precise moment when dog doo turns white.
[Pause, as Blanche is shown with a horrified and shocked look on her face.]
Rose: But in general, it refers to the kind of person you don't want to share your hodenkugels with.
Dorothy: Rose, if you say one more of those stupid words, so help me...
Rose: Oh, blow it out your tubenburbles!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: [complaining about Dorothy] She wants everything to be just right. I'm surprised she doesn't check our underwear before we leave the house!
Dorothy: [to Blanche] Those of you who wear underwear.
[Blanche initially looks startled, then looks up at the psychiatrist and smiles]
Dorothy: [to Blanche] Those of you who wear underwear.
[Blanche initially looks startled, then looks up at the psychiatrist and smiles]
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Sophia: [to Dr. Ashley] I knew you were a quack! If you were a legitimate shrink you would've strung us along for months!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Sophia: Who's Laszlo?
Rose: He's a Hungarian sculptor we've all been posing nude for.
Sophia: [looking chagrined] In the future, a simple "None of your business, Sophia" will suffice!
Rose: He's a Hungarian sculptor we've all been posing nude for.
Sophia: [looking chagrined] In the future, a simple "None of your business, Sophia" will suffice!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: Sophia, what are you doing with that heavy coat on inside the house?
Sophia: [opens her coat with her back to camera] You tell me, Rose! [walks off]
Dorothy: Ma!
Rose: Dorothy, was Sophia naked just now, or does her dress really need ironing?
Sophia: [opens her coat with her back to camera] You tell me, Rose! [walks off]
Dorothy: Ma!
Rose: Dorothy, was Sophia naked just now, or does her dress really need ironing?
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: [knocking on Sophia's door] Sophia?
Sophia: I'm not in. Wait for the beep and leave a message. Beep!
Rose: Hi, this is Rose...
Sophia: Rose, shut up and get in here!
Sophia: I'm not in. Wait for the beep and leave a message. Beep!
Rose: Hi, this is Rose...
Sophia: Rose, shut up and get in here!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
[A flashback scene. Blanche and Rose have just crawled into Dorothy's bed, where Dorothy is studying for an exam. Enter Sophia]
Sophia: Okay, I wanna see six hands above that blanket right now!
Rose: The only reason we're in bed with Dorothy is, we're scared.
Dorothy: Scared? Of what?
Blanche: Now Dorothy, don't you laugh, but we're scared of the aliens.
Dorothy: Blanche, how many times have I told you not to call them "the aliens"? They are the Chungs and they happen to be very nice.
Sophia: They're not very nice, they eat dogs.
Dorothy: Ma, they do not eat dogs!
Sophia: Right, it's just a coincidence that not one ever pees on their lawn.
Dorothy: Ma, you made that up.
Rose: Sophia, we're not talking about them anyway. We're talking about the aliens from outer space.
Dorothy: Oh, those aliens. GET OUT! BOTH OF YOU!
Blanche: Dorothy, now have a heart. Rose and I rented that movie Aliens, and it just scared us half to death!
Sophia: It scared me too. That Sigourney Weaver's a sweet girl, but she really shouldn't go without makeup.
Dorothy: I don't have TIME for this now, I have my education exam tomorrow morning!
Rose: You mean you're kicking us out?
Dorothy: Rose, I have to study!
Sophia: That's my Dorothy, always with her nose in a book. Unlike your brother Phil, who was always with his nose in the dirty clothes hamper.
Blanche: I cannot believe you would be so cold-blooded as to cast out your two dearest friends in this their time of need!
Dorothy: And I can't believe that the two of you are so inconsiderate that you would disturb me with something this ridiculous when you know how important my exam is. If I don't pass it, I don't get my raise!
Sophia: Tha
Sophia: Okay, I wanna see six hands above that blanket right now!
Rose: The only reason we're in bed with Dorothy is, we're scared.
Dorothy: Scared? Of what?
Blanche: Now Dorothy, don't you laugh, but we're scared of the aliens.
Dorothy: Blanche, how many times have I told you not to call them "the aliens"? They are the Chungs and they happen to be very nice.
Sophia: They're not very nice, they eat dogs.
Dorothy: Ma, they do not eat dogs!
Sophia: Right, it's just a coincidence that not one ever pees on their lawn.
Dorothy: Ma, you made that up.
Rose: Sophia, we're not talking about them anyway. We're talking about the aliens from outer space.
Dorothy: Oh, those aliens. GET OUT! BOTH OF YOU!
Blanche: Dorothy, now have a heart. Rose and I rented that movie Aliens, and it just scared us half to death!
Sophia: It scared me too. That Sigourney Weaver's a sweet girl, but she really shouldn't go without makeup.
Dorothy: I don't have TIME for this now, I have my education exam tomorrow morning!
Rose: You mean you're kicking us out?
Dorothy: Rose, I have to study!
Sophia: That's my Dorothy, always with her nose in a book. Unlike your brother Phil, who was always with his nose in the dirty clothes hamper.
Blanche: I cannot believe you would be so cold-blooded as to cast out your two dearest friends in this their time of need!
Dorothy: And I can't believe that the two of you are so inconsiderate that you would disturb me with something this ridiculous when you know how important my exam is. If I don't pass it, I don't get my raise!
Sophia: Tha
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: Sophia, are you busy?
Sophia: Nah, I'm just drawing a line on the milk of magnesia bottle.
Rose: Why?
Sophia: I think the gardener's been sneaking a few sips!
Rose: I have a problem.
Sophia: All right. Take a sip, I'll draw another line.
Rose: No, no, it's not that . . . my boss at the center made a pass at me!
Sophia: Maybe you misunderstood; what exactly did he do?
Rose: He called me in his office and threw me down on the couch and kissed me!
Sophia: That's a pass . . . okay, I think I can help you. I'll tell you a story, Rose. Picture it--Sicily, 1922.
Blanche: [rushes in] Sophia, I have a problem! I just saw the guy I've been dating out with another woman! Now, what do you think I oughta do?
Sophia: I think you should sit down and picture Sicily, 1922. (Blanche sits) It was the worst of times; it was the worst of times. It was Sicily, 1922.
Dorothy: [enters] Ma, I have a problem.
Sophia: Just sit down and listen! First of all, is everyone who lives in this house here at this very moment!?
Dorothy: Yes.
Sophia: Then for the last time, PICTURE IT! Sicily, 1922! A beautiful young woman with breasts not unlike Brigitte Nielsen . . . except hers moved when she skipped! She comes walking down a picturesque country road when suddenly a yellow Rolls Royce pulls up and blocks her path!
Blanche: Ohhh! Who was in the Rolls?
Sophia: It doesn't matter, it's not important to the story. Anyway, the Rolls Royce moves on, and the girl finds her pepperoni is missing.
Rose: What happened to it, Sophia?
Sophia: Bambi ate it; how should I know?! You keep missing the point; the point is she has no pepperoni to bring to her family's table! She gets hysterical; she s
Sophia: Nah, I'm just drawing a line on the milk of magnesia bottle.
Rose: Why?
Sophia: I think the gardener's been sneaking a few sips!
Rose: I have a problem.
Sophia: All right. Take a sip, I'll draw another line.
Rose: No, no, it's not that . . . my boss at the center made a pass at me!
Sophia: Maybe you misunderstood; what exactly did he do?
Rose: He called me in his office and threw me down on the couch and kissed me!
Sophia: That's a pass . . . okay, I think I can help you. I'll tell you a story, Rose. Picture it--Sicily, 1922.
Blanche: [rushes in] Sophia, I have a problem! I just saw the guy I've been dating out with another woman! Now, what do you think I oughta do?
Sophia: I think you should sit down and picture Sicily, 1922. (Blanche sits) It was the worst of times; it was the worst of times. It was Sicily, 1922.
Dorothy: [enters] Ma, I have a problem.
Sophia: Just sit down and listen! First of all, is everyone who lives in this house here at this very moment!?
Dorothy: Yes.
Sophia: Then for the last time, PICTURE IT! Sicily, 1922! A beautiful young woman with breasts not unlike Brigitte Nielsen . . . except hers moved when she skipped! She comes walking down a picturesque country road when suddenly a yellow Rolls Royce pulls up and blocks her path!
Blanche: Ohhh! Who was in the Rolls?
Sophia: It doesn't matter, it's not important to the story. Anyway, the Rolls Royce moves on, and the girl finds her pepperoni is missing.
Rose: What happened to it, Sophia?
Sophia: Bambi ate it; how should I know?! You keep missing the point; the point is she has no pepperoni to bring to her family's table! She gets hysterical; she s
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Sophia: Is this helping anyone yet; cause this sure feels like an ending to me.
Rose: Oh, it's helping me Sophia--what I got out of the story was that you should take a bad situation and make it better! [jumps up] I'm gonna tell my boss off! [rushes out]
Blanche: That's not quite what I got out of it Sophia, I thought you were trying to tell me to dump my cheating boyfriend because there's lots of pepperoni in the sea!
Sophia: Yeah...that's exactly what I was trying to tell you.
Blanche: Thank you Sophia. [Blanche leaves]
Sophia: What about you, Dorothy, did I help you with your problem?
Dorothy: You sure did, Ma, I didn't know what to have for dinner. How about splitting a pepperoni pizza?
Sophia: Sure, you buying?
Dorothy: Does a pepperoni swim upstream?
Sophia: It did once, let's go!
Rose: Oh, it's helping me Sophia--what I got out of the story was that you should take a bad situation and make it better! [jumps up] I'm gonna tell my boss off! [rushes out]
Blanche: That's not quite what I got out of it Sophia, I thought you were trying to tell me to dump my cheating boyfriend because there's lots of pepperoni in the sea!
Sophia: Yeah...that's exactly what I was trying to tell you.
Blanche: Thank you Sophia. [Blanche leaves]
Sophia: What about you, Dorothy, did I help you with your problem?
Dorothy: You sure did, Ma, I didn't know what to have for dinner. How about splitting a pepperoni pizza?
Sophia: Sure, you buying?
Dorothy: Does a pepperoni swim upstream?
Sophia: It did once, let's go!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: [upon seeing that she and Dorothy have purchased the exact same dress] It can't be!
Sophia: Hey, don't panic. Get one for Rose and you can go as The Pointer Sisters.
Sophia: Hey, don't panic. Get one for Rose and you can go as The Pointer Sisters.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: Dorothy, this is crazy! Since when do you care how you look?
Dorothy: I think it started when I came down from the bell tower and had my hump fixed!
Blanche: This dress looks sensational on me; people expect to see me in a sensational dress!
Dorothy: And what do they expect to see me in, a yarmulke and a Hefty Bag?
Dorothy: I think it started when I came down from the bell tower and had my hump fixed!
Blanche: This dress looks sensational on me; people expect to see me in a sensational dress!
Dorothy: And what do they expect to see me in, a yarmulke and a Hefty Bag?
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: Dorothy, it deserves to be displayed on a devastatingly beautiful body!
Dorothy: Who you gonna to send it to, Kim Basinger?
Blanche: And what is that supposed to mean?
Dorothy: Why don't you think about it while you're inhaling your next cheesecake?
[Dorothy walks out]
Blanche: How dare she imply that I overeat! Makes me so mad... [she goes to the cupboard and opens it] Oh darn, we're out of Chips Ahoy.
Dorothy: Who you gonna to send it to, Kim Basinger?
Blanche: And what is that supposed to mean?
Dorothy: Why don't you think about it while you're inhaling your next cheesecake?
[Dorothy walks out]
Blanche: How dare she imply that I overeat! Makes me so mad... [she goes to the cupboard and opens it] Oh darn, we're out of Chips Ahoy.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Buddy: Rose Nylund?
Sophia: No, and if I start acting like her, pull the plug!
Sophia: No, and if I start acting like her, pull the plug!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Sophia: Hey girls! How do you like this spiffy little number? [walks into the living room to reveal that she is wearing the same dress that Blanche purchased]
Blanche: Sophia, that's the same dress I got!
Sophia: Well, now you know how it should look.
Blanche: Sophia, that's the same dress I got!
Sophia: Well, now you know how it should look.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: We really enjoyed your lecture on modern sculpture.
Laszlo: I didn't think anyone was paying attention.
Rose: Oh, we sure were, especially Dorothy. She even talked about taking up sculpting.
Laszlo: Really?
Dorothy: [laughing] Oh no, I didn't.
Rose: Yes you did! You said you'd like to help him mold his clay or buff his marble anytime!
Dorothy: [laughing, taking Rose's hand] Rose is such a kidder! [She squeezes Rose's hand so hard that Rose falls to the ground in pain]
Laszlo: I didn't think anyone was paying attention.
Rose: Oh, we sure were, especially Dorothy. She even talked about taking up sculpting.
Laszlo: Really?
Dorothy: [laughing] Oh no, I didn't.
Rose: Yes you did! You said you'd like to help him mold his clay or buff his marble anytime!
Dorothy: [laughing, taking Rose's hand] Rose is such a kidder! [She squeezes Rose's hand so hard that Rose falls to the ground in pain]
TV Show: The Golden Girls