The Golden Girls Quotes
[Blanche has been feeling guilty about keeping a bed she ordered that the company didn't charge her enough for. The doorbell rings and Fred walks in wearing his Mr. Policeman outfit.]
Blanche: Oh, thank God! I can't live with myself anymore. Take me!
Dorothy: Blanche!
Blanche: Dorothy, please, stay out of this. I know what's best. Just slap the handcuffs on me, the bed's this way.
[Fred shrugs and follows her down the hallway but first stops and turns to everyone sitting in the living room.]
Fred: Y'know what's funny? I was supposed to be Mr. Mailman today.
Blanche: Oh, thank God! I can't live with myself anymore. Take me!
Dorothy: Blanche!
Blanche: Dorothy, please, stay out of this. I know what's best. Just slap the handcuffs on me, the bed's this way.
[Fred shrugs and follows her down the hallway but first stops and turns to everyone sitting in the living room.]
Fred: Y'know what's funny? I was supposed to be Mr. Mailman today.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: Oh Dorothy, I'm glad you're here. Meet Mr. Terrific.
Dorothy: Oh, Mr. Terrific. Meet Mrs. Severely Depressed.
Dorothy: Oh, Mr. Terrific. Meet Mrs. Severely Depressed.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: Girls, you won't believe what happened to me this afternoon. I met Mr. Terrific!
Blanche: Rose, don't be so quick to judge. I thought I had met Mr. Terrific. Turned out there was also a Mrs. Terrific. I found myself ducking a Mr. Vase.
Blanche: Rose, don't be so quick to judge. I thought I had met Mr. Terrific. Turned out there was also a Mrs. Terrific. I found myself ducking a Mr. Vase.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: [seeing Mr. Terrific on the ledge] How's he doing?
Dorothy: I'll be honest. Right now, Squeaky Fromme has a better grasp on reality.
Dorothy: I'll be honest. Right now, Squeaky Fromme has a better grasp on reality.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Stan: It's from Dorothy too.
Stan's Mother: If I had to thank her I'd choke on the words.
Dorothy: Please risk it.
Stan's Mother: If I had to thank her I'd choke on the words.
Dorothy: Please risk it.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: Mama, do you remember that Mother's Day that I almost ruined when I ran off to get married?
Blanche's mother: No...
Blanche: Sure you do, honey, don't you know, I was a senior in high school, and I was madly in love with Deck Bovinglow. We'd been dating for nearly a month, so it seemed perfectly logical when he dropped by cheerleading practice and asked me to marry him. Oh, I thought he was a wonderful catch at the time. He was 40, out of work, twice-divorced, had three kids...but the real reason I wanted to marry him was because his oldest daughter was a rival of mine at cheerleading, and I figured if I married Deck, I'd be her mama. And I could kick her off the squad.
Blanche's mother: No...
Blanche: Sure you do, honey, don't you know, I was a senior in high school, and I was madly in love with Deck Bovinglow. We'd been dating for nearly a month, so it seemed perfectly logical when he dropped by cheerleading practice and asked me to marry him. Oh, I thought he was a wonderful catch at the time. He was 40, out of work, twice-divorced, had three kids...but the real reason I wanted to marry him was because his oldest daughter was a rival of mine at cheerleading, and I figured if I married Deck, I'd be her mama. And I could kick her off the squad.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Fidel: My family once owned the largest tobacco plantation in all of Cuba. Do you know that at one time, I was the most famous Fidel in the entire country... until you-know-who showed up.
Rose: Who?
Dorothy: Rex the Wonder Horse, Rose.
Rose: Who?
Dorothy: Rex the Wonder Horse, Rose.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Sophia: Who would've thought Blanche would date someone that long in the tooth?
Rose: I thought his teeth were nice. What I couldn't believe was how old he was! [leaves]
Dorothy: You know, sometimes I really cannot believe my ears.
Sophia: I know. I should've taped them back when you were seven.
Rose: I thought his teeth were nice. What I couldn't believe was how old he was! [leaves]
Dorothy: You know, sometimes I really cannot believe my ears.
Sophia: I know. I should've taped them back when you were seven.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go take a long, hot, steamy bath with just enough water to barely cover my perky bosoms.
Sophia: You're only gonna sit in an inch of water?!
Sophia: You're only gonna sit in an inch of water?!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: Of all the nerve! How could he possibly think I'd continue seeing him?! Blanche Devereaux has never shared a man!
Sophia: Or a pizza.
Blanche: And what does THAT mean, you wrinkled old crow?!
Sophia: It means Fidel is interested in more than a cheap thrill, he also wants a mind!
Blanche: Oh yeah?!! Well, we'll see about that!
Sophia: You're on, baby!
Sophia: Or a pizza.
Blanche: And what does THAT mean, you wrinkled old crow?!
Sophia: It means Fidel is interested in more than a cheap thrill, he also wants a mind!
Blanche: Oh yeah?!! Well, we'll see about that!
Sophia: You're on, baby!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: [to Fidel] Midnight for dessert.
[Fidel leaves]
Rose: [perplexed] Dessert at midnight???
Sophia: There's always room for Jello.
Blanche: [walking over to Sophia] I just hate you. I regret the day you ever moved in here.
Sophia: And I regret the day I gave birth to you!
Dorothy: Ma, Ma! I'm your daughter.
Sophia: Oh, yeah...I need a Bromo-Seltzer!
Blanche: I need a cheesecake!
[Fidel leaves]
Rose: [perplexed] Dessert at midnight???
Sophia: There's always room for Jello.
Blanche: [walking over to Sophia] I just hate you. I regret the day you ever moved in here.
Sophia: And I regret the day I gave birth to you!
Dorothy: Ma, Ma! I'm your daughter.
Sophia: Oh, yeah...I need a Bromo-Seltzer!
Blanche: I need a cheesecake!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Woman at Fidel's Funeral: I'm leaving. I'm not about to mourn a man who's been with every woman in this room!
Dorothy: He was never with me!
Woman: I guess even he had his standards.
Dorothy: He was never with me!
Woman: I guess even he had his standards.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: [reading the attendance] Jim Shu? [double takes and looks again] Jim Shu? Oh, I get it. Gym shoe, very funny. [Asian man stands up]
Man: Excuse me, I am Jim Shu.
[Dorothy realizes her mistake]
Dorothy: I'm terribly sorry, I thought you were pulling my leg!
Man: I don't think I can drink that much sake!
Man: Excuse me, I am Jim Shu.
[Dorothy realizes her mistake]
Dorothy: I'm terribly sorry, I thought you were pulling my leg!
Man: I don't think I can drink that much sake!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: Oh, why would Fidel want another woman? After all, he's dipped his toes in the lake known as Blanche.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: [confronting Fidel about the other woman] What is it? Is she younger? More attractive? More desirable?
Sophia: [coming out from behind Fidel] You got two outta three, Blanche.
Sophia: [coming out from behind Fidel] You got two outta three, Blanche.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: Well, its just breaking my heart. I never cared for a man as much as Fidel Santadamingo.
Dorothy: [corrects her] Santiago.
Blance: Oh whatever. The point is, he's rich, he's handsome and we were made for each other...even if I don't speak Mexican.
Dorothy: Spanish.
Blanche: WHATEVER!
Dorothy: [corrects her] Santiago.
Blance: Oh whatever. The point is, he's rich, he's handsome and we were made for each other...even if I don't speak Mexican.
Dorothy: Spanish.
Blanche: WHATEVER!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Sophia: Hey, you got any decent nectarines?
Supermarket Stocker: There's nothing wrong with those nectarines!
Sophia: Please. I've got a bowl of wax bananas that'll be ripe before these are!
Supermarket Stocker: You're crazy! This nectarine is beautiful! I've never seen a more perfect piece of fruit!
Sophia: No? Then try kissing my behind. It's a real peach!
Supermarket Stocker: There's nothing wrong with those nectarines!
Sophia: Please. I've got a bowl of wax bananas that'll be ripe before these are!
Supermarket Stocker: You're crazy! This nectarine is beautiful! I've never seen a more perfect piece of fruit!
Sophia: No? Then try kissing my behind. It's a real peach!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: [after telling a story about a man she once dated who had large, floppy ears] By the way, did you girls know that the size of a man's ears is directly proportional to the size of his other... bodily organs?
Rose: [puzzled] What do you mean?
Dorothy: He had a big floppy pancreas, Rose.
Rose: [puzzled] What do you mean?
Dorothy: He had a big floppy pancreas, Rose.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: So when the waiter brought my order, he set down a big bowl of gazpacho right in front of me, and I said, "I ordered the consomme'." He said, "A hot number like you needs something spicy." And I said, "I'll give you something spicy," and I poured the gazpacho right down his pants.
Dorothy: So you never went out with him.
Blanche: No... just slept with him. He wasn't my type.
Rose: Oh my goodness, Blanche, how could you?!
Dorothy: Oh come on, Rose, she's just teasing you.
Blanche: That's right, honey, I'm just teasin'. You always tease the one you love. Actually, tease and tickle. Actually, tease, tickle and spank. Actually...
Dorothy: Blanche!
Dorothy: So you never went out with him.
Blanche: No... just slept with him. He wasn't my type.
Rose: Oh my goodness, Blanche, how could you?!
Dorothy: Oh come on, Rose, she's just teasing you.
Blanche: That's right, honey, I'm just teasin'. You always tease the one you love. Actually, tease and tickle. Actually, tease, tickle and spank. Actually...
Dorothy: Blanche!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: Now look, all this nonsense has to stop, Rose. What we saw was not a UFO.
Rose: Well, it wasn't a plane. Planes aren't that thin, or that bright.
Dorothy: Neither is Oprah Winfrey, but that doesn't make her a flying saucer.
Rose: Well, it wasn't a plane. Planes aren't that thin, or that bright.
Dorothy: Neither is Oprah Winfrey, but that doesn't make her a flying saucer.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: There's only one thing for me to do. I'm going to call him up, and tomorrow night I'm going out with that man again, and I don't care what amount of seducin' it takes. But, as God is my witness, I am not returning to this house until he has begged, beseeched, and pleaded with me to go to bed with him. [leaves the kitchen]
Sophia: You know, that was the original ending to Gone with the Wind.
Sophia: You know, that was the original ending to Gone with the Wind.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: Ma, what are you doing?
Sophia: I'm giving the leftover meatloaf a thrill, what do you think? It's hot as hell in here!
Dorothy: Close it before the food spoils.
Sophia: OK. [closes robe]
Dorothy: I meant the refrigerator!
Sophia: I'm giving the leftover meatloaf a thrill, what do you think? It's hot as hell in here!
Dorothy: Close it before the food spoils.
Sophia: OK. [closes robe]
Dorothy: I meant the refrigerator!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: Morning, Rose.
Rose: [cries and goes into kitchen]
Blanche: Dorothy, sometimes you can be so cruel!
Rose: [cries and goes into kitchen]
Blanche: Dorothy, sometimes you can be so cruel!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Sophia: Look Rose, God doesn't make mistakes, we were all put on this planet for a purpose. Blanche, you're here to work in a museum so that art can be appreciated by humanity. Dorothy, you're here as a substitute teacher to educate our youth. And Rose, you're here because the rhythm method was very popular in the 20's.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: [preparing her bio] I just found out I'm the most boring person alive.
Sophia: Did something happen to Regis Philbin?
Sophia: Did something happen to Regis Philbin?
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: I will never forgive that airline as long as I live!
Blanche: I cannot believe they lost all our luggage! Now I have to go an entire weekend without underwear!
Sophia: Yeah. You usually slip into a pair by Sunday afternoon.
Blanche: I cannot believe they lost all our luggage! Now I have to go an entire weekend without underwear!
Sophia: Yeah. You usually slip into a pair by Sunday afternoon.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: God, I hate fog!
Sophia: Why? You spent most of your life in one!
Rose: I meant, if it were clearer we could see Mount Losenbaden.
Blanche: What's Mount Losenbaden?
Rose: It's kinda like Mount Rushmore, except they sculpted four losers of Presidential elections in the mountainside. Let's see - there was Alf Landon, Wendell Willkie, and Adlai Stevenson and Adlai Stevenson.
Blanche: Why are there two Adlai Stevensons?
Dorothy: Oh, Blanche, isn't it obvious? He lost twice... [panicking] Oh God, it's making SENSE!
Sophia: Why? You spent most of your life in one!
Rose: I meant, if it were clearer we could see Mount Losenbaden.
Blanche: What's Mount Losenbaden?
Rose: It's kinda like Mount Rushmore, except they sculpted four losers of Presidential elections in the mountainside. Let's see - there was Alf Landon, Wendell Willkie, and Adlai Stevenson and Adlai Stevenson.
Blanche: Why are there two Adlai Stevensons?
Dorothy: Oh, Blanche, isn't it obvious? He lost twice... [panicking] Oh God, it's making SENSE!
TV Show: The Golden Girls