The Golden Girls Quotes
Dorothy: [calling to Sophia at the front of the donkey-drawn wagon] How're you doing up there, Ma?
Sophia: Fine!
Blanche: Sophia, why don't you want to sit back here with us, honey?
Sophia: Because after three days on the road with you guys, this jackass smells better!
Driver: Thank you!
Sophia: Fine!
Blanche: Sophia, why don't you want to sit back here with us, honey?
Sophia: Because after three days on the road with you guys, this jackass smells better!
Driver: Thank you!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Sophia: It's great bringing two idiots closer together.
Dorothy: I think that's the motto of the St. Olaf telephone company.
Dorothy: I think that's the motto of the St. Olaf telephone company.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: He fairly screams "Blanche"! Or at least he will before I'm through with him!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Sophia: Congratulations, Rose Nylund. You are St. Olaf's woman of the year!
Dorothy, Blanche, and Sophia: Uff da!!
Dorothy, Blanche, and Sophia: Uff da!!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: [to Fred, the repairman] Oh thank God you're here, this heat's driving me crazy!
Fred: You're not the only one. The old lady next door is running through a sprinkler in her underwear!
Dorothy: There's no old lady living... [looks through the kitchen window] MA!!! [runs outside]
Fred: You're not the only one. The old lady next door is running through a sprinkler in her underwear!
Dorothy: There's no old lady living... [looks through the kitchen window] MA!!! [runs outside]
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Stan: You see, babe, it's all part of the big guy's master plan. I am but a humble servant.
Dorothy: Mr. Belvedere is a humble servant, Stanley, you're a horse's ass.
Dorothy: Mr. Belvedere is a humble servant, Stanley, you're a horse's ass.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: At the counseling center, we learn that the first reaction to catastrophe is denial.
Dorothy: Rose, I am not in denial.
Rose: Oh, yes you are. You're just denying you're in denial.
Dorothy: Rose, I am not denying that I am in denial.
Rose: If you're not denying you're in denial, then you're in denial!
Dorothy: Look, fluffhead, why should I deny being in denial when I never said I was in denial. You are the one who said I was in denial and don't you deny it!
Dorothy: Rose, I am not in denial.
Rose: Oh, yes you are. You're just denying you're in denial.
Dorothy: Rose, I am not denying that I am in denial.
Rose: If you're not denying you're in denial, then you're in denial!
Dorothy: Look, fluffhead, why should I deny being in denial when I never said I was in denial. You are the one who said I was in denial and don't you deny it!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Sophia: Stanley, Stanley, don't worry. I'm eighty-two years old. My bones are brittle, my muscles are atrophied. My circulation is worse than U.S. News and World Report. There's no physical they can give that Sophia Petrillo can't fail!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Sophia: [enters kitchen, crying] Esther Weinstock is dead. We grew up together. She was my best friend.
Dorothy: Oh, I'm so sorry! What happened?
Sophia: [sarcastically] She was fighting an oil-rig fire in the Gulf of Mexico. [snapping] SHE WAS 88!
Rose: Well, it's great that she was able to work right up to the end.
Dorothy: When is the funeral?
Sophia: Wednesday.
Dorothy: I'll go back to Brooklyn with you.
Sophia: [leaves kitchen] I'm not going, and you know why!
Rose: I guess the body was lost at sea.
Dorothy: Oh, I'm so sorry! What happened?
Sophia: [sarcastically] She was fighting an oil-rig fire in the Gulf of Mexico. [snapping] SHE WAS 88!
Rose: Well, it's great that she was able to work right up to the end.
Dorothy: When is the funeral?
Sophia: Wednesday.
Dorothy: I'll go back to Brooklyn with you.
Sophia: [leaves kitchen] I'm not going, and you know why!
Rose: I guess the body was lost at sea.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: Do you know what I hate doing most after a party?
Rose: Trying to find your underwear in the big pile?
Rose: Trying to find your underwear in the big pile?
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: [On Sophia's wedding dress] Sophia, that looks beautiful!
Blanche: It's absolutely gorgeous.
Rose: But don't you have to be a virgin to wear a white wedding dress?
Sophia: Please! The last time I was a virgin, the Louisiana Purchase was still in escrow. It doesn't matter anyway, no one's gonna see this dress.
Rose: What do you mean?
Sophia: According to Sicilian custom, I can't get married unless I have you-know-who's blessing.
Rose: Whose?
Sophia: Dick Clark! Dorothy, you idiot!
Rose: Dorothy, your mother's talking to you.
Sophia: Dorothy, I spoke to your Aunt Regina in Sicily this morning to tell her about the wedding, she told me I'm in for some very bad luck unless I get the blessing of my eldest daughter or my child with the most facial hair. Either way, all arrows point to you.
Dorothy: Ma, you know how I feel. I cannot give you my blessing.
Sophia: Dorothy, I love you, but if you ruin my happiness, I will put a Sicilian curse on you that will be like hell on earth!
Dorothy: Ma, you can't put a Sicilian curse on your eldest daughter if the mother is marrying a man under five-foot-seven! You're not the only one with Aunt Regina's phone number.
Sophia: Damn MCI.
Blanche: It's absolutely gorgeous.
Rose: But don't you have to be a virgin to wear a white wedding dress?
Sophia: Please! The last time I was a virgin, the Louisiana Purchase was still in escrow. It doesn't matter anyway, no one's gonna see this dress.
Rose: What do you mean?
Sophia: According to Sicilian custom, I can't get married unless I have you-know-who's blessing.
Rose: Whose?
Sophia: Dick Clark! Dorothy, you idiot!
Rose: Dorothy, your mother's talking to you.
Sophia: Dorothy, I spoke to your Aunt Regina in Sicily this morning to tell her about the wedding, she told me I'm in for some very bad luck unless I get the blessing of my eldest daughter or my child with the most facial hair. Either way, all arrows point to you.
Dorothy: Ma, you know how I feel. I cannot give you my blessing.
Sophia: Dorothy, I love you, but if you ruin my happiness, I will put a Sicilian curse on you that will be like hell on earth!
Dorothy: Ma, you can't put a Sicilian curse on your eldest daughter if the mother is marrying a man under five-foot-seven! You're not the only one with Aunt Regina's phone number.
Sophia: Damn MCI.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: Blanche, I would be honored if you would be the first member of the Hunka-Hunka-Burnin'-Love fan club.
Blanche: I graciously accept, and promise to do a good job as president!
Rose: Why should you be president?
Blanche: Well, because I saw Elvis in Harem Scarem over 50 times.
Rose: Well, so did I!
Blanche: I have every album he ever recorded.
Rose: So have I, and every single!
Blanche: I slept with him in a Motel 6 outside Chattanooga.
Rose: [leaves kitchen, chagrined] Congratulations, Madam President!
Dorothy: Blanche, why did you say that? You didn't really sleep with Elvis Presley.
Blanche: Dorothy, back where I come from, there were a lot of hillbilly boys with mutton-chop sideburns named Elvis. The light was bad in the bayou, it could've happened!
Dorothy: Blanche, you never slept with Elvis Presley.
Blanche: All right, all right! But I did once make love to an unattractive boy named Ernest and in the middle of it, I cried out Elvis's name. Technically I think that counts.
Blanche: I graciously accept, and promise to do a good job as president!
Rose: Why should you be president?
Blanche: Well, because I saw Elvis in Harem Scarem over 50 times.
Rose: Well, so did I!
Blanche: I have every album he ever recorded.
Rose: So have I, and every single!
Blanche: I slept with him in a Motel 6 outside Chattanooga.
Rose: [leaves kitchen, chagrined] Congratulations, Madam President!
Dorothy: Blanche, why did you say that? You didn't really sleep with Elvis Presley.
Blanche: Dorothy, back where I come from, there were a lot of hillbilly boys with mutton-chop sideburns named Elvis. The light was bad in the bayou, it could've happened!
Dorothy: Blanche, you never slept with Elvis Presley.
Blanche: All right, all right! But I did once make love to an unattractive boy named Ernest and in the middle of it, I cried out Elvis's name. Technically I think that counts.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: Now listen Dorothy, you can quit smoking. Do it the same way I did it: just taper off - smoke only after sex!
Sophia: Good idea. One pack'll last her a lifetime!
Sophia: Good idea. One pack'll last her a lifetime!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: But before we adjourn, our secretary has a real special surprise: a genuine Elvis artifact!
Rose: It's a partially eaten pork chop. He had beautiful teeth, didn't he? [passes around pork chop in glass collector's case]
Dorothy: [holding pork chop in case] This has to be a fake. I mean, Elvis would have never left this much meat on a pork chop. [laughs hysterically]
Blanche: [unamused, steals pork chop] Dorothy, you're out of the club. Meeting is adjourned. Thank you, ladies. See you next week. [other members depart] Well, I hope you're not too upset over this, Dorothy.
Dorothy: I've just been thrown out of an unauthorized Elvis fan club. I'll try to pick up the pieces and go on with my life. I mean, there must be a support group for people like me.
Rose: We're sorry, Dorothy, but the bylaws clearly state that any derogatory remarks about the King are grounds for immediate expulsion.
Blanche: Maybe you ought to join an organization that is a little less fanatical in its devotion, honey.
Dorothy: Oh, like what, Blanche, the PLO?
Rose: It's a partially eaten pork chop. He had beautiful teeth, didn't he? [passes around pork chop in glass collector's case]
Dorothy: [holding pork chop in case] This has to be a fake. I mean, Elvis would have never left this much meat on a pork chop. [laughs hysterically]
Blanche: [unamused, steals pork chop] Dorothy, you're out of the club. Meeting is adjourned. Thank you, ladies. See you next week. [other members depart] Well, I hope you're not too upset over this, Dorothy.
Dorothy: I've just been thrown out of an unauthorized Elvis fan club. I'll try to pick up the pieces and go on with my life. I mean, there must be a support group for people like me.
Rose: We're sorry, Dorothy, but the bylaws clearly state that any derogatory remarks about the King are grounds for immediate expulsion.
Blanche: Maybe you ought to join an organization that is a little less fanatical in its devotion, honey.
Dorothy: Oh, like what, Blanche, the PLO?
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Max: You're little Dorothy Petrillo!
Dorothy: That's right.
Max: You haven't changed a bit! Same gorgeous smile, pretty eyes, beautiful figure, long golden blonde hair...
Dorothy: You have cataracts, don't you Mr. Weinstock?
Max: [putting on his glasses] Since 1967.
Dorothy: That's right.
Max: You haven't changed a bit! Same gorgeous smile, pretty eyes, beautiful figure, long golden blonde hair...
Dorothy: You have cataracts, don't you Mr. Weinstock?
Max: [putting on his glasses] Since 1967.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: [seeing the Elvis impersonators] Uh oh. Either I mixed the Elvis list with the wedding list or everyone in Max's family appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: Oh Dorothy, you're just cranky because you haven't had a cigarette in a while.
Dorothy: Maybe a little, but I'll tell you the truth - I really think I'm over the worst part of it.
Rose: That's great, I'm really proud of you. You think you'd miss that feeling you get with that first puff, that feeling of relaxation when you hold it in and then sheer exhilaration when you exhale smoke...
[Dorothy takes a deep breath, holds it in and then exhales slowly as though she were taking a puff of a cigarette.]
Dorothy: No, not really, I've, I've found other ways to ease my tensions. Honey, would you hand me that large saucepan over there?
Rose: [grabs saucepan] Sure.
Dorothy: No, the one behind it, the really big one.
[Rose hands Dorothy the large saucepan. Dorothy takes the saucepan, puts it over Rose's head, and begins to beat on it repeatedly with her wooden spoon.]
Dorothy: Maybe a little, but I'll tell you the truth - I really think I'm over the worst part of it.
Rose: That's great, I'm really proud of you. You think you'd miss that feeling you get with that first puff, that feeling of relaxation when you hold it in and then sheer exhilaration when you exhale smoke...
[Dorothy takes a deep breath, holds it in and then exhales slowly as though she were taking a puff of a cigarette.]
Dorothy: No, not really, I've, I've found other ways to ease my tensions. Honey, would you hand me that large saucepan over there?
Rose: [grabs saucepan] Sure.
Dorothy: No, the one behind it, the really big one.
[Rose hands Dorothy the large saucepan. Dorothy takes the saucepan, puts it over Rose's head, and begins to beat on it repeatedly with her wooden spoon.]
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: You know, you really have to give Max and Sophia credit. This business was their dream, and they're going after it. I just wish I'd done that with my dream.
Dorothy: Fine. Honey, would you check on the pizzas? One may be ready.
Blanche: Well, why don't you want to hear about my dream?
Dorothy: Because it is always the same thing with you, Blanche - sex, sex, sex! I am tired of hearing it!
Rose: Maybe that's because you're not getting any, Dorothy.
Dorothy: You want the pot again, Rose?
Dorothy: Fine. Honey, would you check on the pizzas? One may be ready.
Blanche: Well, why don't you want to hear about my dream?
Dorothy: Because it is always the same thing with you, Blanche - sex, sex, sex! I am tired of hearing it!
Rose: Maybe that's because you're not getting any, Dorothy.
Dorothy: You want the pot again, Rose?
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: [trying to convince the bodyguard at the thrift shop to hand over the aviator jacket with the winning lottery ticket inside] Look, if you don't mind, I would like to see this Michael.
Bodyguard: You and the rest of Miami! Sorry, the entire engagement is SOLD OUT! Michael! [tosses jacket over the heads of the other bodyguards and into the clutches of a person wearing a black sequined glove; the bodyguards leave]
Blanche: OH! Do you know who that is?!
Sophia: Sure! It's the guy from the Pepsi commercials!
Rose: Pepsi commercial? ... Michael? ... Oh my God, that's Michael J. Fox!!!
Bodyguard: You and the rest of Miami! Sorry, the entire engagement is SOLD OUT! Michael! [tosses jacket over the heads of the other bodyguards and into the clutches of a person wearing a black sequined glove; the bodyguards leave]
Blanche: OH! Do you know who that is?!
Sophia: Sure! It's the guy from the Pepsi commercials!
Rose: Pepsi commercial? ... Michael? ... Oh my God, that's Michael J. Fox!!!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: [after the girls lose the auction for the aviator jacket] I guess now I'll never get to fly on the Concord!
Blanche: And I'll never get to buy that emerald pendant to dangle between my perky bosoms.
Sophia: And I'll never get to buy perky bosoms.
Blanche: And I'll never get to buy that emerald pendant to dangle between my perky bosoms.
Sophia: And I'll never get to buy perky bosoms.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: Tell her, Clayton.
Clayton: I will, Rose.
Blanche: Tell me what?
Clayton: Well, I ran into Rose in the park and...
Blanche: And?
Clayton: And we had a long talk and....
Blanche: And?
Clayton: And....we slept together tonight.
Clayton: I will, Rose.
Blanche: Tell me what?
Clayton: Well, I ran into Rose in the park and...
Blanche: And?
Clayton: And we had a long talk and....
Blanche: And?
Clayton: And....we slept together tonight.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: Rose, honey, there's something I have to say to you. It's just two little words but, they are the hardest two little words in all the whole world for me to say.
Rose: "Not tonight"?
Rose: "Not tonight"?
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Clayton: I shouldn't have got you mixed up in all this. It's just so hard to tell Blanche the truth.
Rose: Clayton, you're selling your sister short. Now at times Blanche can be very understanding and compassionate, and forgiving.
Blanche: Get away from my baby brother you cradle snatchin', empty headed, two-faced dummy!
Rose: And then at other times she can be a real bitch.
Rose: Clayton, you're selling your sister short. Now at times Blanche can be very understanding and compassionate, and forgiving.
Blanche: Get away from my baby brother you cradle snatchin', empty headed, two-faced dummy!
Rose: And then at other times she can be a real bitch.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: Who's that at the door?
Rose: It's me, Blanche.
Blanche: The other side!
Rose: It's me, Blanche.
Blanche: The other side!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Stan: I really have to run now. I'm fixing a terrific late-night supper for Katherine.
Dorothy: Oh, really? In thirty-eight years of marriage, you never once cooked a terrific meal for us.
Stan: Neither did you.
Dorothy: Oh, really? In thirty-eight years of marriage, you never once cooked a terrific meal for us.
Stan: Neither did you.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: Any word on Sophia?
Dorothy: None. Oh, I hate waiting.
Blanche: I hate hospitals.
Rose: I hate when the people put each other down on Love Connection.
Dorothy: None. Oh, I hate waiting.
Blanche: I hate hospitals.
Rose: I hate when the people put each other down on Love Connection.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: Stan came by and stayed with me. Brought me food, held me. Showed me that special part of himself.
Rose: Right there in the waiting room?
Dorothy[looking disgusted] Not that part, Rose!
Rose: Right there in the waiting room?
Dorothy[looking disgusted] Not that part, Rose!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: Blanche, we can't let Dorothy ruin Stan and Katherine's wedding. I mean, it's selfish, it's adolescent and it'd put a real cramp in their honeymoon.
[Dorothy enters the room]
Blanche: Rose!
Rose: [continuing] For somebody who's supposed to be so smart, Dorothy's acting like a real goober!
[Dorothy notices, but remains silent as she walks towards Rose]
Blanche: Rose...
Rose: And don't think I won't be able to say that right to her face. 'Course, I'd have to stand on a chair!
[Dorothy puts a chair behind Rose as she laughs hesitantly]
Rose: It's her, isn't it?
[Dorothy enters the room]
Blanche: Rose!
Rose: [continuing] For somebody who's supposed to be so smart, Dorothy's acting like a real goober!
[Dorothy notices, but remains silent as she walks towards Rose]
Blanche: Rose...
Rose: And don't think I won't be able to say that right to her face. 'Course, I'd have to stand on a chair!
[Dorothy puts a chair behind Rose as she laughs hesitantly]
Rose: It's her, isn't it?
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Stan: Will you girls excuse me, my girdle is killing me.
Rose: He's wearing a girdle?
Dorothy: And padded shoulder.
Blanche: And knowing him, a sock in his crotch.
Rose: He's wearing a girdle?
Dorothy: And padded shoulder.
Blanche: And knowing him, a sock in his crotch.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: Bartender, give me another.
Bartender: Come on, lady. You don't need another.
Dorothy: Why not?
Bartender: You've had three already!
Dorothy: I said give me another!
Bartender: Fine. It's your life. Just don't blame me if you get sick. [places a basket of popcorn on the table]
Bartender: Come on, lady. You don't need another.
Dorothy: Why not?
Bartender: You've had three already!
Dorothy: I said give me another!
Bartender: Fine. It's your life. Just don't blame me if you get sick. [places a basket of popcorn on the table]
TV Show: The Golden Girls