The Golden Girls Quotes
Bartender: What can I get you, lady?
Katherine: How about a shot of self-confidence?
Bartender: Let me guess. You didn't come in here to drink. You've got a problem and need someone to talk to. Am I right?
Katherine: That's right.
Bartender: Then take a quarter and call a shrink. This ain't Cheers!
Katherine: How about a shot of self-confidence?
Bartender: Let me guess. You didn't come in here to drink. You've got a problem and need someone to talk to. Am I right?
Katherine: That's right.
Bartender: Then take a quarter and call a shrink. This ain't Cheers!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Katherine: [about Dorothy] See, he's got this ex-wife.
Dorothy: You better be careful what you say. I happen to be an ex-wife.
Katherine: Not like his, I'm sure. No one's like her! She's superwoman. She was the perfect wife! Cooked, cleaned, had two kids, got an education, has never looked better, and now she has a career!
Dorothy: That wasn't a marriage. That's a commercial for a mini pad.
Katherine: Her name is Dorothy, and she's coming to our wedding. I mean, they're still friends! Listen to me. I'm so intimidated by a woman I've never even met.
Dorothy: Well, that's understandable. I mean, she sounds pretty terrific. I bet she's gorgeous too.
Katherine: No, the daughter had a nose job and she had her mother's nose. Evidently, it was a honker!
Dorothy: You better be careful what you say. I happen to be an ex-wife.
Katherine: Not like his, I'm sure. No one's like her! She's superwoman. She was the perfect wife! Cooked, cleaned, had two kids, got an education, has never looked better, and now she has a career!
Dorothy: That wasn't a marriage. That's a commercial for a mini pad.
Katherine: Her name is Dorothy, and she's coming to our wedding. I mean, they're still friends! Listen to me. I'm so intimidated by a woman I've never even met.
Dorothy: Well, that's understandable. I mean, she sounds pretty terrific. I bet she's gorgeous too.
Katherine: No, the daughter had a nose job and she had her mother's nose. Evidently, it was a honker!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Jasper: You're idiots. The only humor here is my own. It's your great stupidity. This picture no more echos Monet than any of you echo a beauty queen, and you will waste no more of my time. [turns and leaves]
Rose: Oh yeah?!
Dorothy: Go easy on him Rose.
Rose: Oh yeah?!
Dorothy: Go easy on him Rose.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
[after giving blood to save Jasper's life]
Sophia: Gee, you save a guy's life and all you get is apple juice and a cookie?
Sophia: Gee, you save a guy's life and all you get is apple juice and a cookie?
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Sid: [about the damaged roof] Yeah, I could patch it up for you, but that won't stop more leaks when it rains again.
Rose: What are you trying to say, Sid?
Sid: Really? You couldn't follow that?
Dorothy: She has trouble following Murder, She Wrote.
Rose: What are you trying to say, Sid?
Sid: Really? You couldn't follow that?
Dorothy: She has trouble following Murder, She Wrote.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: [about football] Little bodies don't like it when big bodies fall on them.
Sophia: Which is why Raymond Burr never married!
Sophia: Which is why Raymond Burr never married!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Sophia: [entering the house with the football team] Make way for the victors!
Rose: You won the big game?
Sophia: [sarcastically] No Rose, we lost and we all changed our names to Victor.
Rose: You won the big game?
Sophia: [sarcastically] No Rose, we lost and we all changed our names to Victor.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Sophia: Gin!
Blanche: Sophia, we're playin' Hearts.
Sophia: I know, I felt like drinking some. If I'm gonna get through a boring Saturday night with you two, I'll need a buzz.
Blanche: Sophia, we're playin' Hearts.
Sophia: I know, I felt like drinking some. If I'm gonna get through a boring Saturday night with you two, I'll need a buzz.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: [to Dorothy, Blanche and Sophia] Were you three listening to our conversation?!
Dorothy: Absolutely not. You know we would never eavesdrop.
Sophia: They made me do it. When I turn my hearing-aid up to ten, I can hear a canary break wind in Lauderdale!
Dorothy: Absolutely not. You know we would never eavesdrop.
Sophia: They made me do it. When I turn my hearing-aid up to ten, I can hear a canary break wind in Lauderdale!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: If you ask me, people rely too much on sex in relationships anyway.
Ernest: You're right. I mean, what is sex, after all?
Rose: Two clunky old bodies thrashing around against each other. Like animals.
Ernest: You get all sweaty, and flushed.
Rose: Your hair gets mussed.
Ernest: You lose your breath.
Rose: You lose your earrings.
Ernest: [steadily turned on] Your mouth waters...
Rose: [steadily turned on] Your nose runs...
Ernest: ...your heart races...
Rose: ...your blood races...
Ernest: ...Rose...
Rose: ...say it, Ernie...
Ernest: It's time, Rose.
Rose: [raises hand] Check, please!
Ernest: You're right. I mean, what is sex, after all?
Rose: Two clunky old bodies thrashing around against each other. Like animals.
Ernest: You get all sweaty, and flushed.
Rose: Your hair gets mussed.
Ernest: You lose your breath.
Rose: You lose your earrings.
Ernest: [steadily turned on] Your mouth waters...
Rose: [steadily turned on] Your nose runs...
Ernest: ...your heart races...
Rose: ...your blood races...
Ernest: ...Rose...
Rose: ...say it, Ernie...
Ernest: It's time, Rose.
Rose: [raises hand] Check, please!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Eddie: I know I'm plain to look at, but everything I do seems to drive the opposite sex crazy! I don't do it on purpose, it just happens! The way I look at a woman, the way I make love to a woman, the way I kiss a woman, the way I make love to a woman.
Rose: You said "make love" twice.
Eddie: I know. It's my favorite.
Rose: You said "make love" twice.
Eddie: I know. It's my favorite.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: Honey, there is more to Eddie than meets the eye. But the only thing we have in common is under the sheets.
Rose: What's under the sheets?
Dorothy: His cappuccino maker. SEX, Rose! I am talking SEX! We don't go to dinner, we don't go to the movies, we just go to bed, and it is TERRIFIC.
Rose: Wow, all that and cappuccino too?!
Rose: What's under the sheets?
Dorothy: His cappuccino maker. SEX, Rose! I am talking SEX! We don't go to dinner, we don't go to the movies, we just go to bed, and it is TERRIFIC.
Rose: Wow, all that and cappuccino too?!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: I don't look right in American clothes. I have a more European body.
Rose: Oh, in Europe do they all have big butts too?
Rose: Oh, in Europe do they all have big butts too?
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Eddie: You see, after 25 years of marriage, my wife Roberta sent me a "Dear John" letter.
Rose: That's terrible, married 25 years and she doesn't know your name is Eddie!
Rose: That's terrible, married 25 years and she doesn't know your name is Eddie!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: [on the phone with Steve] I'm almost ready to... What do you mean? I spent all day getting ready! ... Oh, I could just scratch your eyes out! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU DROP DEAD!!! [slams down phone; to girls] Well, I'm off, don't wait up...
Dorothy: Blanche, Steve called and canceled your date, didn't he?
Blanche: [voice quavering] Yes!
Rose: How did you know that, Dorothy?
Dorothy: I'm clairvoyant, Rose.
Rose: You're so lucky. I get into a pool and I sink like a stone.
Dorothy: Blanche, Steve called and canceled your date, didn't he?
Blanche: [voice quavering] Yes!
Rose: How did you know that, Dorothy?
Dorothy: I'm clairvoyant, Rose.
Rose: You're so lucky. I get into a pool and I sink like a stone.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Maitre' D: [to Dorothy, Blanche and Rose, who have entered the dining room at the nudist hotel naked, and are shocked to discover that everyone else in the restaurant is clothed] Excuse me, ladies, we always dress for dinner here. And in your case, we'd appreciate it if you'd do that for all three meals.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: [in a flashback scene, chewing out Rose for booking them into a "clothing optional" resort for their Valentine's weekend getaway] Thanks a lot, Rose. Oh, this is a great Valentine's weekend, stuck in a hotel at a nudist camp for ten hours!
Rose: I'm sorry, Dorothy, it's all my fault. I misunderstood the brochure.
Dorothy: [reading from brochure] "Fun in the buff at a mountain retreat! Hike, swim and play volleyball while the sun beats down on your fanny!" Call David Horowitz; I mean, how can they get away with this misrepresentation!
Rose: I'm sorry, Dorothy, it's all my fault. I misunderstood the brochure.
Dorothy: [reading from brochure] "Fun in the buff at a mountain retreat! Hike, swim and play volleyball while the sun beats down on your fanny!" Call David Horowitz; I mean, how can they get away with this misrepresentation!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
[Dorothy, Rose and Blanche are in line at a pharmacy - flashback scene]
Blanche: In this day in age it might be a good idea to take along some... protection.
Rose: What kind of protection?
Dorothy: Two armed Pinkerton guards. No, Blanche is talking about... [indicates a nearby counter]
Rose: A Nestle's Crunch?
Dorothy: One over.
Rose: An enema bag?
Dorothy: To the right.
Rose: Dentu-Grip?!
Dorothy: CONDOMS, ROSE! CONDOMS, CONDOMS, CONDOMS!
Cashier: Calm down, lady! You just get out of prison?
Blanche: In this day in age it might be a good idea to take along some... protection.
Rose: What kind of protection?
Dorothy: Two armed Pinkerton guards. No, Blanche is talking about... [indicates a nearby counter]
Rose: A Nestle's Crunch?
Dorothy: One over.
Rose: An enema bag?
Dorothy: To the right.
Rose: Dentu-Grip?!
Dorothy: CONDOMS, ROSE! CONDOMS, CONDOMS, CONDOMS!
Cashier: Calm down, lady! You just get out of prison?
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: There's no reason to be embarrassed! Now these are discreet professionals. This is a private matter. Whatever we buy is nobody's business but our own! [picks up a package of condoms off the counter and hands it to the cashier] I'd like a package of these, please.
Dorothy: [grabs another package of condoms and hands it to the cashier] And I'll take these.
Rose: [looks around nervously, then tentatively grabs a random package of condoms off the counter and hands it to the cashier] ...and I'll take these.
Blanche: Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?
Cashier: [speaking into his microphone] JOE, I NEED A PRICE CHECK ON SOME CONDOMS! THESE THREE LADIES HERE WANT A COUPLE OF BOXES OF THE KING GEORGE PROPHYLACTICS.
Joe: THE LAMBSKINS OR THE ULTRA-SENSITIVE?
Cashier: TWO OF THEM HAVE THE LAMBSKINS, AND THE BLONDE HAS THE ULTRA-SENSITIVE...IN BLACK.
Dorothy: [grabs another package of condoms and hands it to the cashier] And I'll take these.
Rose: [looks around nervously, then tentatively grabs a random package of condoms off the counter and hands it to the cashier] ...and I'll take these.
Blanche: Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?
Cashier: [speaking into his microphone] JOE, I NEED A PRICE CHECK ON SOME CONDOMS! THESE THREE LADIES HERE WANT A COUPLE OF BOXES OF THE KING GEORGE PROPHYLACTICS.
Joe: THE LAMBSKINS OR THE ULTRA-SENSITIVE?
Cashier: TWO OF THEM HAVE THE LAMBSKINS, AND THE BLONDE HAS THE ULTRA-SENSITIVE...IN BLACK.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: Ma, we're going away for the weekend, just the two of us. So pack your bags, we are off to a cabin in the Keys!
Sophia: Wait a minute, Dorothy, you pulled this one on me once before. Remember Shady Pines Retirement Village? [to Rose and Blanche] She told me we were going to a resort. We pull up to this place that looks like the Bates Motel, and two goons in white coats drag me inside and for the next year and a half I'm forced to make lanyards against my will.
Dorothy: Ma, you know that's not how it was!
Sophia: You're right, sometimes they forced me to make moccasins. No thanks, not again!
Dorothy: Look Ma, all I want is for us to go away together, just the two of us. Ma, we'll go anywhere you want to go.
Sophia: Great, I wanna go to Disney World.
Dorothy: Then that's where we're going.
Sophia: Oh? All of a sudden you're gonna take me, after I've been asking for years?
Dorothy: That's right!
Sophia: [to Rose and Blanche] Leave your shoe sizes, let me know whether you want your moccasins in brown or black!
Sophia: Wait a minute, Dorothy, you pulled this one on me once before. Remember Shady Pines Retirement Village? [to Rose and Blanche] She told me we were going to a resort. We pull up to this place that looks like the Bates Motel, and two goons in white coats drag me inside and for the next year and a half I'm forced to make lanyards against my will.
Dorothy: Ma, you know that's not how it was!
Sophia: You're right, sometimes they forced me to make moccasins. No thanks, not again!
Dorothy: Look Ma, all I want is for us to go away together, just the two of us. Ma, we'll go anywhere you want to go.
Sophia: Great, I wanna go to Disney World.
Dorothy: Then that's where we're going.
Sophia: Oh? All of a sudden you're gonna take me, after I've been asking for years?
Dorothy: That's right!
Sophia: [to Rose and Blanche] Leave your shoe sizes, let me know whether you want your moccasins in brown or black!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: So that's it, you're willing to give us the Donatello Triplets if we put your new boyfriend in the show.
Blanche: That's blackmail!
Sophia: That's show business.
Blanche: That's blackmail!
Sophia: That's show business.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: [to Rose, on the fantasy that Bob Hope is her father] I don't know whether to cry or commit you!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: You can't sing, you can't dance, you can't tell jokes. I'm sorry, you can't be in the show.
Sophia: You can't be in the show, you can't be in the show, who are you, Ricky Ricardo?
Sophia: You can't be in the show, you can't be in the show, who are you, Ricky Ricardo?
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: Ma, why do you constantly look for ways to amuse yourself at my expense?
Sophia: Because we don't have cable and I can't crochet. This is who I am Dorothy. Learn to live with it, or medicate me!
Sophia: Because we don't have cable and I can't crochet. This is who I am Dorothy. Learn to live with it, or medicate me!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: What you need is faith.
Dorothy: And what you need is a psychiatrist who enjoys a challenge.
Dorothy: And what you need is a psychiatrist who enjoys a challenge.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: I still feel guilty about going through Pepe's things.
Blanche: Me too. Although it was kind of exciting opening his closet and seeing his little boxing trunks hanging there with that provocative nickname on 'em.
Dorothy: Blanche, Everlast is a brand name, not a nickname.
Blanche: Me too. Although it was kind of exciting opening his closet and seeing his little boxing trunks hanging there with that provocative nickname on 'em.
Dorothy: Blanche, Everlast is a brand name, not a nickname.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: Girls, you are my very best friends in the entire world, and I trust and respect you more than any people I know, so I want you to tell me truth - now, honestly, do you think I'm competent at what I do?
Rose: Based on the sounds from your bedroom, I'd bet you're damn near spectacular.
Blanche: I am talking about my job at the museum!!
Dorothy: Of course you're competent Blanche. I mean, they wouldn't have kept you for five years if you weren't.
Blanche: Well then, why do you think my boss is constantly looking over my shoulder?
Dorothy: I would guess, a plunging neckline and a push-up bra.
Rose: Based on the sounds from your bedroom, I'd bet you're damn near spectacular.
Blanche: I am talking about my job at the museum!!
Dorothy: Of course you're competent Blanche. I mean, they wouldn't have kept you for five years if you weren't.
Blanche: Well then, why do you think my boss is constantly looking over my shoulder?
Dorothy: I would guess, a plunging neckline and a push-up bra.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: I never had a mind for money matters. I always used to let Stanley handle all our investments.
Rose: Did Stanley have a head for numbers?
Dorothy: Stanley??? The man used to have to get naked to count to twenty-one.
Rose: Did Stanley have a head for numbers?
Dorothy: Stanley??? The man used to have to get naked to count to twenty-one.
TV Show: The Golden Girls