The Golden Girls Quotes
Blanche: Oh, Dorothy, high school reunions can be so much fun. I will never forget mine! I was the most successful person there.
Dorothy: Blanche, didn't you go to school with that brilliant doctor who won the Nobel Prize?
Blanche: Oh, yes, but she let her looks go to hell.
Dorothy: Blanche, didn't you go to school with that brilliant doctor who won the Nobel Prize?
Blanche: Oh, yes, but she let her looks go to hell.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: Oh, a girl never had a better friend than Trudy McMahon.
Sophia: [laughs]
Dorothy: What, Ma?
Sophia: Oh, nothing, my underwear just hiked up on me. Right while you were lying.
Dorothy: Why do you say I'm lying?
Sophia: A girl never had a better friend than Trudy McMahon? Somebody here doesn't remember Prom Night 1946!
Rose: Why, what happened?
Sophia: I don't know, I'm that somebody.
Sophia: [laughs]
Dorothy: What, Ma?
Sophia: Oh, nothing, my underwear just hiked up on me. Right while you were lying.
Dorothy: Why do you say I'm lying?
Sophia: A girl never had a better friend than Trudy McMahon? Somebody here doesn't remember Prom Night 1946!
Rose: Why, what happened?
Sophia: I don't know, I'm that somebody.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: I am so excited! I can't believe I'm going to see Trudy again after all these years!
Rose: Oh, I'm excited for you too, Dorothy. That's why I want everything perfect. I'm making Scandinavia's oldest and most traditional appetizer treat: cheese and crackers.
Blanche: Cheese and crackers, Rose? Not eggs gefluffen? Ham and gunterhoggins? Pigs in a svengebluten?
Rose: No, but you sure know how to make a girl's mouth water!
Rose: Oh, I'm excited for you too, Dorothy. That's why I want everything perfect. I'm making Scandinavia's oldest and most traditional appetizer treat: cheese and crackers.
Blanche: Cheese and crackers, Rose? Not eggs gefluffen? Ham and gunterhoggins? Pigs in a svengebluten?
Rose: No, but you sure know how to make a girl's mouth water!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: (begins to tell a story about "acceptance" to console Dorothy) I remember I was a blossomin' belle who had just won the Little Miss Magnolia pageant...
Dorothy: Blanche, before you start, realize I am very vulnerable now, and in no mood to hear a story about you and some yahoo-cracker with four first names pawing at each other under a magnolia tree.
Blanche: Well, pardon me, Dorothy, but we can't all come from places as socially acceptable as Brooklyn.
Dorothy: I'm sorry, Blanche, I'm sorry, go on with the story. Just try to shy away from words like "tarnation" and "catfish."
Blanche: Fine. Anyway, I was about eight years old when I first met Cathy Lee on the playground. We became fast friends. Just as thick as Louisiana blackstrap molasses on a stack of johnnycakes as high as an elephant's knee---
Dorothy: On a riverboat floating down the Mississippi delta... FINISH THE DAMN STORY, BLANCHE!
Blanche: Anyway, it was at a Southern seafood fry that I proudly dragged Cathy Lee over to meet my folks. Well, my mama took one look at Cathy Lee and forbade me ever to see her again!
Rose: Why?
Blanche: Because her mother was not in the Daughters of the Confederacy. Oh, how my heart went out to little Cathy Lee, standin' there while our servants snickered at her servants. But Mama insisted I break off the friendship, or I wouldn't get brand new ridin' boots for Christmas! So I did.
Dorothy: Blanche, why is this a story about acceptance?
Blanche: Oh - because years later, to get back at me, Cathy Lee slept with my daddy! That was something I had to accept. Mama accepted it too - along with a brand new Cadillac Eldorado for her birthday. You know, my family had a few dollars, and I loved them dearly, but when you get right down to it, basically they were trash.
Dorothy: Blanche, before you start, realize I am very vulnerable now, and in no mood to hear a story about you and some yahoo-cracker with four first names pawing at each other under a magnolia tree.
Blanche: Well, pardon me, Dorothy, but we can't all come from places as socially acceptable as Brooklyn.
Dorothy: I'm sorry, Blanche, I'm sorry, go on with the story. Just try to shy away from words like "tarnation" and "catfish."
Blanche: Fine. Anyway, I was about eight years old when I first met Cathy Lee on the playground. We became fast friends. Just as thick as Louisiana blackstrap molasses on a stack of johnnycakes as high as an elephant's knee---
Dorothy: On a riverboat floating down the Mississippi delta... FINISH THE DAMN STORY, BLANCHE!
Blanche: Anyway, it was at a Southern seafood fry that I proudly dragged Cathy Lee over to meet my folks. Well, my mama took one look at Cathy Lee and forbade me ever to see her again!
Rose: Why?
Blanche: Because her mother was not in the Daughters of the Confederacy. Oh, how my heart went out to little Cathy Lee, standin' there while our servants snickered at her servants. But Mama insisted I break off the friendship, or I wouldn't get brand new ridin' boots for Christmas! So I did.
Dorothy: Blanche, why is this a story about acceptance?
Blanche: Oh - because years later, to get back at me, Cathy Lee slept with my daddy! That was something I had to accept. Mama accepted it too - along with a brand new Cadillac Eldorado for her birthday. You know, my family had a few dollars, and I loved them dearly, but when you get right down to it, basically they were trash.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Sophia: [bursting into Dorothy's room] Picture it! Sicily, 1852!
Dorothy: Ma, I am in no mood; and besides, you weren't alive in 1852.
Sophia: What, we can't learn from history? It was mid-century, and a disillusioned Italy looked to the House of Savoy for leadership. Giuseppe Garibaldi, our courageous leader - and not a bad dresser - thought, "Let's regain some national pride and jump into this Crimean War thing." Of course, there was a big kickoff party at Giuseppe's beach house, and everyone came. Coincidentally, this was also the night his wife, Rosa, hit her sexual peak.
Dorothy: Ma, I am in here because of GUILT! This isn't a story about guilt.
Sophia: This is a story about being a bad hostess! While Rosa had Giuseppe in the bedroom with his saber around his ankles, two hundred hungry guests were strip-searching mice for a piece of cheese!
Dorothy: Ma, so what's your point? That Rosa and I throw bad parties?
Sophia: That's my minor point. My major point is, that like Rosa, you're screwing around in the bedroom while there are important things to do outside!
Dorothy: Ma, I am in no mood; and besides, you weren't alive in 1852.
Sophia: What, we can't learn from history? It was mid-century, and a disillusioned Italy looked to the House of Savoy for leadership. Giuseppe Garibaldi, our courageous leader - and not a bad dresser - thought, "Let's regain some national pride and jump into this Crimean War thing." Of course, there was a big kickoff party at Giuseppe's beach house, and everyone came. Coincidentally, this was also the night his wife, Rosa, hit her sexual peak.
Dorothy: Ma, I am in here because of GUILT! This isn't a story about guilt.
Sophia: This is a story about being a bad hostess! While Rosa had Giuseppe in the bedroom with his saber around his ankles, two hundred hungry guests were strip-searching mice for a piece of cheese!
Dorothy: Ma, so what's your point? That Rosa and I throw bad parties?
Sophia: That's my minor point. My major point is, that like Rosa, you're screwing around in the bedroom while there are important things to do outside!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: I don't want a TV crew comin' in here, messin' up my kitchen, settin' up all that video equipment!
Rose: Well, how about shooting it in your bedroom, Blanche? The equipment's already set up there!
Rose: Well, how about shooting it in your bedroom, Blanche? The equipment's already set up there!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: [to Enrique, the consumers reporter, on why she should get the production assistant job.] I am the battered consumer. I drive a Gremlin, for god's sake!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Sophia: I got the director to change his mind.
Blanche: [excitedly] Oh, then he's comin' back here to shoot the commercial?
Sophia: No, he doesn't wanna get anywhere near Rose. He's gonna shoot it at his studio.
Blanche: But if he shoots it at his studio, then I get screwed and have nothin' to show for it!
Sophia: Welcome to show business.
Blanche: [excitedly] Oh, then he's comin' back here to shoot the commercial?
Sophia: No, he doesn't wanna get anywhere near Rose. He's gonna shoot it at his studio.
Blanche: But if he shoots it at his studio, then I get screwed and have nothin' to show for it!
Sophia: Welcome to show business.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: [making malted milkshakes for herself, Blanche and Rose] Didn't I tell you I used to work in a malt shop when I was in high school?
Blanche: Soda jerk?
Rose: No thanks, I'll have a malted.
Blanche: Soda jerk?
Rose: No thanks, I'll have a malted.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: [rolls the dice, moves her game piece and picks a card from the center of the gameboard] How odd, I can either buy the library or the phonebooth in the center of town. I'll buy the library.
Rose: If I were you, I'd buy the phonebooth.
Dorothy: Why?
Rose: People use the phonebooth.
Rose: If I were you, I'd buy the phonebooth.
Dorothy: Why?
Rose: People use the phonebooth.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: That's because you're hooked on these Rose. But honey, there's a place for people with this kind of problem.
Sophia: Please, what is she gonna do in the NBA?
Sophia: Please, what is she gonna do in the NBA?
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: [when Rose says she'd be too embarrassed at a rehabilitation center] Was Betty Ford embarrassed? Was Liza Minnelli embarrassed?
Sophia: She should've been. Did you see Arthur 2? [makes a face]
Sophia: She should've been. Did you see Arthur 2? [makes a face]
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Sophia: Sorry Dorothy. There are two things a Sicilian won't do: Lie about pizza, and file a tax return.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: Well, Rose, I might not have any idea what it's like to feel the kind of dependency you do, but, there was a time in my life when I tried quittin' somethin'.
Dorothy: Blanche, you don't mean...
Blanche: Sex, Dorothy. I tried quittin' sex.
Dorothy: Obviously you fell off the wagon.
Sophia: And onto a naval base!
Dorothy: Blanche, you don't mean...
Blanche: Sex, Dorothy. I tried quittin' sex.
Dorothy: Obviously you fell off the wagon.
Sophia: And onto a naval base!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: [on why her attempt to give up sex failed] Barely a month had gone by before I started feeling those awful stirrings and urges. I was like a spring bloomin' peach bud just ripened to dewy fruition, waitin' to be plucked by the first handsome man to come my way!
Dorothy: You were looking for some nookie.
Blanche: Exactly.
Dorothy: You were looking for some nookie.
Blanche: Exactly.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: Before my mama sent me off to beauty camp, I was a pencil-thin, flat-chested, four-eyed nerd!
Sophia: I don't believe it. You, pencil-thin?
Sophia: I don't believe it. You, pencil-thin?
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: [about her sister Holly] We haven't gotten along since we were kids.
Blanche: Why is she coming here then?
Rose: Well, she's here on business. She's a world renown flautist.
Dorothy: Oh, she plays the flute?
Rose: No, Dorothy, she plays the flaut. It's a Scandinavian instrument that looks like a tuba except it's got hair on the bottom. Of course she plays the flute!
Blanche: Why is she coming here then?
Rose: Well, she's here on business. She's a world renown flautist.
Dorothy: Oh, she plays the flute?
Rose: No, Dorothy, she plays the flaut. It's a Scandinavian instrument that looks like a tuba except it's got hair on the bottom. Of course she plays the flute!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: [on Dreyfuss, the dog] Why is there a big hairy beast in my house?
Sophia: My guess is because he bought you dinner.
Sophia: My guess is because he bought you dinner.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Sophia: [meeting Holly] Who's this?
Rose: Well, this is...
Holly: Oh wait, Rose, let me. She's feisty, zesty, and full of Old World charm, Sophia!
Sophia: She's mopey, dopey, and full of crap, Rose's sister. Don't mess with me, kid, I have the home court advantage!
Rose: Well, this is...
Holly: Oh wait, Rose, let me. She's feisty, zesty, and full of Old World charm, Sophia!
Sophia: She's mopey, dopey, and full of crap, Rose's sister. Don't mess with me, kid, I have the home court advantage!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Sophia: Dreyfuss is gone.
Blanche: He ran away?
Sophia: No, we had a falling out and agreed to a trial separation. Of course he ran away!
Blanche: But when?
Sophia: I'm not sure. I have it pinpointed sometime between 10: 15 today and late last Thursday.
Blanche: You have no recollection of Dreyfuss since last Thursday?
Sophia: I have no recollection period since last Thursday! Anything could have happened in three days. I just hope I'm not carrying Steve Garvey's baby.
Blanche: He ran away?
Sophia: No, we had a falling out and agreed to a trial separation. Of course he ran away!
Blanche: But when?
Sophia: I'm not sure. I have it pinpointed sometime between 10: 15 today and late last Thursday.
Blanche: You have no recollection of Dreyfuss since last Thursday?
Sophia: I have no recollection period since last Thursday! Anything could have happened in three days. I just hope I'm not carrying Steve Garvey's baby.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: [Blanche has just come back from her appointment with the plastic surgeon who will perform her breast augmentation] Hi, Blanche. How was your appointment with Dr. Rosenzweig?
Blanche: Well, I was so nervous that I just rushed right in there and pulled off my top, and said, "Well, what do you think?"
Rose: What did he say?
Blanche: Well, he said, "I think you're probably looking for Dr. Rosenzweig. But if you ever want a discount on life insurance, call me."
Blanche: Well, I was so nervous that I just rushed right in there and pulled off my top, and said, "Well, what do you think?"
Rose: What did he say?
Blanche: Well, he said, "I think you're probably looking for Dr. Rosenzweig. But if you ever want a discount on life insurance, call me."
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: Dorothy, have you ever heard of something called "dirty dancing"?
Dorothy: Well of course Blanche. They did it in that movie.
Rose: What movie?
Dorothy: Lawrence of Arabia, Rose.
Blanche: This flier that came in the mail says they're gonna start a dirty dancin' course down at Lawson's Dance Studio. What do you say, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Oh no, I can't see myself swinging my hips and wildly gyrating my pelvis, I'm not interested.
Sophia: And the world takes a collective sigh of relief. [Dorothy glares at her]
Dorothy: Well of course Blanche. They did it in that movie.
Rose: What movie?
Dorothy: Lawrence of Arabia, Rose.
Blanche: This flier that came in the mail says they're gonna start a dirty dancin' course down at Lawson's Dance Studio. What do you say, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Oh no, I can't see myself swinging my hips and wildly gyrating my pelvis, I'm not interested.
Sophia: And the world takes a collective sigh of relief. [Dorothy glares at her]
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Sophia: [seeing Blanche hold Rose in a dirty dancing pose] What they do is their business, but if I ever see your hand on Rose's behind, it'll kill me!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: Listen, tell me I can't do better than this in my sleep. [Opens a book and begins to read] "He grabbed her. She could feel his fingers pressing into her moist flesh. Her heart was pounding, her loins on fire. As he spun her around, her dress ripping open..." Do you know how many times I have experienced that?
Rose: [puzzled] Your loins have been on fire?
Blanche: Yes! [Reading again] "...she melted into..."
Rose: Where exactly are your loins?
Blanche: Rose, it doesn't matter, just listen. "...she melted into his arms, faint now with the animal musk of him..."
Rose: I didn't know people had loins! I've heard of loin of pork...
Sophia: [indicating Blanche] In her case, the same thing.
Rose: [puzzled] Your loins have been on fire?
Blanche: Yes! [Reading again] "...she melted into..."
Rose: Where exactly are your loins?
Blanche: Rose, it doesn't matter, just listen. "...she melted into his arms, faint now with the animal musk of him..."
Rose: I didn't know people had loins! I've heard of loin of pork...
Sophia: [indicating Blanche] In her case, the same thing.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: [Comparing Dorothy's situation to the book she plans to write] Just like my heroine, sicker and sicker. Though, of course, my heroine doesn't look like you. This is a romantic novel, not science fiction! [She walks out of the kitchen laughing]
Dorothy: Remind me, when I feel better, to kick the crap out of her.
Dorothy: Remind me, when I feel better, to kick the crap out of her.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Doctor: [On Dorothy's illness] It could be functional.
Sophia: Functional?
Doctor: Mental.
Sophia: Mental?!! Well, let me tell you something, Mr. 100% Tip-Top Mental. My daughter may be no spring chicken, and her jaw might crack when she chews! And she may have noticeable trouble digesting raw vegetables! But one thing she is not, is mental!
Dorothy: Thanks, Ma.
Sophia: Functional?
Doctor: Mental.
Sophia: Mental?!! Well, let me tell you something, Mr. 100% Tip-Top Mental. My daughter may be no spring chicken, and her jaw might crack when she chews! And she may have noticeable trouble digesting raw vegetables! But one thing she is not, is mental!
Dorothy: Thanks, Ma.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Sophia: Ribs, great... why don't you just kick the dentures out of my mouth?!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: What a waste, Rose Nylund in New York!
Rose: [to Dorothy] It's going to be a great trip, you wait and see. You're going to be cured, and I'm going to get to see the Big Potato!
[Blanche gives Dorothy a "See?" look]
Dorothy: I said she was comforting, I didn't say she was smart.
Rose: [to Dorothy] It's going to be a great trip, you wait and see. You're going to be cured, and I'm going to get to see the Big Potato!
[Blanche gives Dorothy a "See?" look]
Dorothy: I said she was comforting, I didn't say she was smart.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: Oh, girls, I have Writer's Block! It is the worst feeling in the world!
Sophia: Try ten days without a bowel movement sometime.
Blanche: You just sit there, hour after hour after hour!
Sophia: Tell me about it.
Sophia: Try ten days without a bowel movement sometime.
Blanche: You just sit there, hour after hour after hour!
Sophia: Tell me about it.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: You know, there are all sorts of things that people get that they can't diagnose, and then they disappear as mysteriously as they came. Gustav Lundqvist got sick from something mysterious, and he nearly died - well, he did die, in fact. Then at the cemetery, Beatrice Lundqvist, his wife, kept screaming, "He's alive! He's alive! I can hear it from the grave!" Well, everyone thought it was the hallucinations of a grieving widow, so they sedated her. But when she woke up from her sedation, she told them that he had said from the grave, "We never paid our '78 through '86 income taxes!" And his partner said, "Only Gustav would know that! He must be alive!" So, they all raced to the cemetery, and the entire town started digging like crazy, kneeling by the grave, using their hands even, dirt flying and Beatrice screaming. And when they opened that coffin, there he was... dead as a doornail.
Blanche: What is the point of that ridiculous story, Rose?!
Rose: The point is, Gustav didn't die from his mysterious disease at all! He lived and recovered. The trouble is, he recovered while he was buried, so by the time they got to him, he'd died of suffocation.
Blanche: I just don't believe these stories you tell, Rose!
Rose: Another tragic aspect was, the IRS was waiting at the cemetery to arrest Gustav's partner, Bergstrom. So, Bergstrom killed himself right then and there, by grabbing the gun from Sheriff Tokqvist and shooting himself. What they did then was, since the grave was still open, and everyone was right there, and Gustav and Bergstrom had been partners, so they put Bergstrom in with Gustav and had a double burial. Unfortunately, later they found out that Bergstrom wanted to be cremated.
Blanche: Oh... shut up, Rose!!!
Blanche: What is the point of that ridiculous story, Rose?!
Rose: The point is, Gustav didn't die from his mysterious disease at all! He lived and recovered. The trouble is, he recovered while he was buried, so by the time they got to him, he'd died of suffocation.
Blanche: I just don't believe these stories you tell, Rose!
Rose: Another tragic aspect was, the IRS was waiting at the cemetery to arrest Gustav's partner, Bergstrom. So, Bergstrom killed himself right then and there, by grabbing the gun from Sheriff Tokqvist and shooting himself. What they did then was, since the grave was still open, and everyone was right there, and Gustav and Bergstrom had been partners, so they put Bergstrom in with Gustav and had a double burial. Unfortunately, later they found out that Bergstrom wanted to be cremated.
Blanche: Oh... shut up, Rose!!!
TV Show: The Golden Girls