The Golden Girls Quotes
Blanche: Who is he?
Rose: His name is Al.
Blanche: No, I mean what does he do?
Rose: He imports diamonds.
Blanche: Oh, damn, I hope he's not dead!
Rose: His name is Al.
Blanche: No, I mean what does he do?
Rose: He imports diamonds.
Blanche: Oh, damn, I hope he's not dead!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: [Nervously] Uh, Ma, this is Dr. Johnathan Newman.
Sophia: Hello. I hope that this doesn't sound rude... [Blanche and Dorothy are holding each other, looking like they are waiting for a disaster.] ...but I just came from a long trip, and I'm very tired. If you'll excuse me.
Dr. Newman: Of course. Lovely to have met you.
Sophia: Likewise. [Begins to walk away] Dorothy, can I see you for a minute? [Dorothy walks over. Sophia speaks in a hushed voice.] That man over there, is he a midget?
Dorothy: Yes
Sophia: Thank God, I thought I was having another stroke!
Sophia: Hello. I hope that this doesn't sound rude... [Blanche and Dorothy are holding each other, looking like they are waiting for a disaster.] ...but I just came from a long trip, and I'm very tired. If you'll excuse me.
Dr. Newman: Of course. Lovely to have met you.
Sophia: Likewise. [Begins to walk away] Dorothy, can I see you for a minute? [Dorothy walks over. Sophia speaks in a hushed voice.] That man over there, is he a midget?
Dorothy: Yes
Sophia: Thank God, I thought I was having another stroke!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
[Rose and Sophia are playing Trivial Pursuit]
Rose: Who was known as the world's fastest human being?
Sophia: Dominic Tanzi.
Rose: It says Jesse Owens here.
Sophia: Trust me, it was Dominic Tanzi. He got four women pregnant in one night. Two in New York, two in New Jersey.
Rose: Who was known as the world's fastest human being?
Sophia: Dominic Tanzi.
Rose: It says Jesse Owens here.
Sophia: Trust me, it was Dominic Tanzi. He got four women pregnant in one night. Two in New York, two in New Jersey.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: I am going out with a new man tonight and he is not Italian.
Blanche: Oh, who is he, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Oh, his name is Glenn O'Brien.
Rose: Where'd you meet him?
Sophia: His name is O'Brien. Two to one she met him at a gin mill.
Blanche: Oh, who is he, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Oh, his name is Glenn O'Brien.
Rose: Where'd you meet him?
Sophia: His name is O'Brien. Two to one she met him at a gin mill.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: Hi, Ma.
Sophia: So you've started up with your married man again.
Dorothy: How did you know?
Sophia: I'm The Amazing Kreskin! I was listening outside the door.
Dorothy: Oh Ma.
Sophia: Oh, I can't put my ear to the door but you can put your....
Dorothy: Ma!
Sophia: So you've started up with your married man again.
Dorothy: How did you know?
Sophia: I'm The Amazing Kreskin! I was listening outside the door.
Dorothy: Oh Ma.
Sophia: Oh, I can't put my ear to the door but you can put your....
Dorothy: Ma!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: [talking to Dorothy after Dorothy returns from a date with Glenn] Oh, so you spent the evening at dinner!
Dorothy: No, we spent dinner at dinner. We spent the evening at a motel.
Rose: A motel?!! Dorothy! A cheap, tawdry, bare-bulbed den of iniquity?!
Dorothy: We didn't drive to Sodom and Gomorrah, Rose.
Dorothy: No, we spent dinner at dinner. We spent the evening at a motel.
Rose: A motel?!! Dorothy! A cheap, tawdry, bare-bulbed den of iniquity?!
Dorothy: We didn't drive to Sodom and Gomorrah, Rose.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: My great-granddaddy always said, there are two things you never sell to a friend - a car and a slave - because if either one of 'em quits workin' you'll never hear the end of it. Of course, they hanged my great-granddaddy. He said a lot of things he shouldn't have.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: [on the car she was planning to sell Rose] It's the noisiest thing to come out of Detroit since Martha & The Vandellas.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: I can't tell her her husband died in my bed.
Sophia: Tell her you went to turn on the sprinklers, and you found him on the lawn.
Rose: That's not bad...
Dorothy: Oh, Rose.
Rose: Well, I've never had to do this before! Tell a wife that her husband's been cheating on her with me! That's the hardest thing ever to have to tell anybody.
Blanche: Oh, no, it's not! How about having to tell a pregnant woman that her husband's been cheating on her...with her own sister...and you're the sister...and you're pregnant too. By her husband.
Dorothy: You...didn't!
Blanche: Not me! Last night on Dallas! Or Dynasty or Falcon's Landing, or one of those, they're all the same.
Rose: Oh! I thought you were the one-
Blanche: Oh please! I could never do a thing like that. And if you ever saw my brother-in-law, you'd know why!
Sophia: Tell her you went to turn on the sprinklers, and you found him on the lawn.
Rose: That's not bad...
Dorothy: Oh, Rose.
Rose: Well, I've never had to do this before! Tell a wife that her husband's been cheating on her with me! That's the hardest thing ever to have to tell anybody.
Blanche: Oh, no, it's not! How about having to tell a pregnant woman that her husband's been cheating on her...with her own sister...and you're the sister...and you're pregnant too. By her husband.
Dorothy: You...didn't!
Blanche: Not me! Last night on Dallas! Or Dynasty or Falcon's Landing, or one of those, they're all the same.
Rose: Oh! I thought you were the one-
Blanche: Oh please! I could never do a thing like that. And if you ever saw my brother-in-law, you'd know why!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Sophia: Fine, let a dead guy lie there. It's gonna be 98 degrees today. It won't be pretty.
Dorothy: Oh, I'm sure he's not dead. Rose, go look.
Rose: Come on Dorothy, he's sleeping. I don't want to wake him.
Sophia: You could light firecrackers in his nostrils, you won't wake him.
Dorothy: Oh, I'm sure he's not dead. Rose, go look.
Rose: Come on Dorothy, he's sleeping. I don't want to wake him.
Sophia: You could light firecrackers in his nostrils, you won't wake him.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: [recalling the night her husband died] The night George died, the telephone rang and a highway patrolman said, "Pardon me, ma'am, do you have a yellow convertible and a husband named George?" I said, "Yes, of course, good grief, what's happened?" and he said, "Hold on, ma'am." Put me on hold with that music while you wait. I sat there at two in the morning listenin' to Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass. And then, after an eternity, he comes back on the line eatin' chips. And he says, "Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm the only one here, my phone's been ringin' off the hook." And I said, "Officer, what about my husband?" And then he said - crunchin' his chips - "Oh, he's dead. Wrong way driver hit him head-on. Totally dead, ma'am (crunch crunch)."
Dorothy: Oh, no!
Blanche: Puts me on hold and then eats Doritos while he tells me my life is over! [about telling Mrs. Beatty about Al's death] Oh, Rose has to tell her. Rose won't eat chips.
Rose: I never eat chips, I don't like 'em. They fall in my bra.
Dorothy: Oh, no!
Blanche: Puts me on hold and then eats Doritos while he tells me my life is over! [about telling Mrs. Beatty about Al's death] Oh, Rose has to tell her. Rose won't eat chips.
Rose: I never eat chips, I don't like 'em. They fall in my bra.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: You caught me one night sneaking out of the kitchen naked with an oreo in my mouth. We have no secrets.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: Wills make people do crazy things.
Dorothy: Like what Blanche?
Blanche: Do you know what they just uncovered in the Duncan Osgood murder case? That the day before she was murdered, Tippi Paxton Osgood had changed her will, making Duncan the sole heir to the Paxton Napkin fortune! [Dorothy stares at her] That man is guilty!
Dorothy: Oh come on, that's circumstantial evidence, I mean, it's not enough to convict him.
Blanche: Well actually, the more damning evidence was the snapshot of Duncan dressed in scuba gear dragging Tippi's body down the stairs, wrapped in a carpet. [Dorothy stares at her again]
Dorothy: Maybe it was from their wedding album.
Dorothy: Like what Blanche?
Blanche: Do you know what they just uncovered in the Duncan Osgood murder case? That the day before she was murdered, Tippi Paxton Osgood had changed her will, making Duncan the sole heir to the Paxton Napkin fortune! [Dorothy stares at her] That man is guilty!
Dorothy: Oh come on, that's circumstantial evidence, I mean, it's not enough to convict him.
Blanche: Well actually, the more damning evidence was the snapshot of Duncan dressed in scuba gear dragging Tippi's body down the stairs, wrapped in a carpet. [Dorothy stares at her again]
Dorothy: Maybe it was from their wedding album.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: My whole life is an open book.
Sophia: Your whole life is an open blouse!
Sophia: Your whole life is an open blouse!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: My granddaughter wants to be an astronaut.
Charley: Not really, grandma. I just want to meet boys who want to be astronauts.
Blanche: Me too!
Charley: Not really, grandma. I just want to meet boys who want to be astronauts.
Blanche: Me too!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: Let me get a look at you, girl! Terrific little figure, gorgeous hair, perfect skin! Just like looking in the mirror.
Sophia: Get some Windex!
Sophia: Get some Windex!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: [telling a story that is supposed to relate to Blanche's problem with Lucy, about a time she snuck into a nearby city to meet a boy she liked at a gin mill] I marched right up to the door, and I ran right into Reverend McKenzie, coming out of the bar on the arm of Millie Beasley, wife of Emmett Beasley, our town's most decorated war hero. Emmett received three Purple Hearts - all for head wounds. He ran the feed store in our town. Of course, if the truth be known, Millie was the one who had to make change for the customers.
Dorothy: Rose, are you telling a story or performing Our Town?
Rose: Oh, sorry. Anyway, Reverend McKenzie made a deal with me. He said if I didn't tell on him, he wouldn't tell on me. So I went home.
Blanche: Well, did he keep your secret?
Rose: Till the day he died - which was two days later. Emmett found Millie and the reverend skinny-dipping in the church's fountain, and shot the both of them. A week later, we became Lutherans.
Blanche: Rose, that isn't a teenage rebellion story. That is a changing religion story. That is a big "WHO CARES?" story. THAT IS A "WHY THE HELL TELL IT IN THE FIRST PLACE" STORY!!!
Dorothy: Rose, are you telling a story or performing Our Town?
Rose: Oh, sorry. Anyway, Reverend McKenzie made a deal with me. He said if I didn't tell on him, he wouldn't tell on me. So I went home.
Blanche: Well, did he keep your secret?
Rose: Till the day he died - which was two days later. Emmett found Millie and the reverend skinny-dipping in the church's fountain, and shot the both of them. A week later, we became Lutherans.
Blanche: Rose, that isn't a teenage rebellion story. That is a changing religion story. That is a big "WHO CARES?" story. THAT IS A "WHY THE HELL TELL IT IN THE FIRST PLACE" STORY!!!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Ed: Rose, you're just incredible on Miami Vice trivia! I've never met anyone so smart!
Dorothy: Ed, for a policeman, you've led a very sheltered life.
Dorothy: Ed, for a policeman, you've led a very sheltered life.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
[Dorothy sneaks up on the mouse in the kitchen, carrying a broom]
Dorothy: Gotcha! You're trapped like a rat. Okay, so you're a mouse. Either way, you're out of here. [The mouse looks up at her] Oh, listen, you had your chance to- to leave and you didn't take it, and now I have to kill you. I mean, I'm probably doing you a favor. I mean, what kind of life are you having? What, you hang around sewers, you eat garbage. That's not living, honey. Believe me, you'll be better off once I put you out of your misery. [she goes to hit the mouse with the broom but stops] I have never killed another living thing in my entire life. All right, a bug, yes. I have killed bugs. But they don't count. [The mouse looks at her again] I don't know why, they just don't! I don't believe this. I'm talking to a mouse. The scary part is, I think you're listening.
Dorothy: Gotcha! You're trapped like a rat. Okay, so you're a mouse. Either way, you're out of here. [The mouse looks up at her] Oh, listen, you had your chance to- to leave and you didn't take it, and now I have to kill you. I mean, I'm probably doing you a favor. I mean, what kind of life are you having? What, you hang around sewers, you eat garbage. That's not living, honey. Believe me, you'll be better off once I put you out of your misery. [she goes to hit the mouse with the broom but stops] I have never killed another living thing in my entire life. All right, a bug, yes. I have killed bugs. But they don't count. [The mouse looks at her again] I don't know why, they just don't! I don't believe this. I'm talking to a mouse. The scary part is, I think you're listening.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Lucy: I hope I wasn’t too much trouble.
Rose: Don't be silly.
Dorothy: We enjoyed having you.
Sophia: So did half of Miami.
Rose: Don't be silly.
Dorothy: We enjoyed having you.
Sophia: So did half of Miami.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: It wasn't a rat! It was a cute little mouse.
Dorothy: Rose, it doesn't wear white gloves and work at Disneyland! We're talking about a rodent!
Dorothy: Rose, it doesn't wear white gloves and work at Disneyland! We're talking about a rodent!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: Good night Ed. We are going to go home now and I want you to know that we'll all sleep a lot better knowing you're [Dorothy pauses] off duty tonight.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: Sophia, do you think it's wrong for a girl to sleep with a man she's only known a few hours?
Sophia: It's a sin.
Rose: See! Sophia agrees with me.
Sophia: All I said was it's a sin. Personally I'd go back to eating fish on Fridays if His Holiness gave that one the green light.
Sophia: It's a sin.
Rose: See! Sophia agrees with me.
Sophia: All I said was it's a sin. Personally I'd go back to eating fish on Fridays if His Holiness gave that one the green light.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: [on why she was afraid to talk in class as a child] I had a slight speech impediment. I mean, it's different for kids these days, you know, they have Barbara Walters to look up to. But in those days, it really stood out, you know? Oh, I don't know, it must have taken three months before I could muster up the courage, you know, to talk to Mrs. Lenhoff, but it turned out to be the smartest thing I could have done, because not only did she help me, you know, with the speech problem, she was the one who inspired me to go into the teaching profession.
Blanche: You know what, I think tomorrow after class, I will talk to Professor Cooper.
Dorothy: Good girl!
Rose: Whatever happened to your teacher, Mrs. Lenhoff?
Dorothy: Oh gosh, the last I heard, she retired from teaching and opened a bed and breakfast someplace in Whode Island. [pauses] ... Rhode Island.
Blanche: You know what, I think tomorrow after class, I will talk to Professor Cooper.
Dorothy: Good girl!
Rose: Whatever happened to your teacher, Mrs. Lenhoff?
Dorothy: Oh gosh, the last I heard, she retired from teaching and opened a bed and breakfast someplace in Whode Island. [pauses] ... Rhode Island.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
[Dorothy has snuck home from the hospital because she is afraid to have surgery on her foot]
Rose: Blanche, call the police! I just saw a big, ugly man with a limp walk past my bedroom window. He was wearing Dorothy's coat! [she sees Dorothy sitting on the bed] But then again it was dark and I tend to overdramatize.
Rose: Blanche, call the police! I just saw a big, ugly man with a limp walk past my bedroom window. He was wearing Dorothy's coat! [she sees Dorothy sitting on the bed] But then again it was dark and I tend to overdramatize.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Blanche: Rose, what I didn't tell you was... when I was five, Mamma enrolled me in a tap-dancing class. For six months we practiced. One hour a day, two days a week. And I was good. I was cute, and I was good. Real good. Then finally, it came time for the night of the recital. And there were thirteen little girls up there with our little Shirley Temple curls, and our little starched white pinafores, and our little Mary Jane shoes. Then they opened the curtain and the music started and twelve little girls started to dance. And one little girl wet her pants. That girl in the puddle was me. [laughs] I have never told that to another living soul, Rose. You see, I thought I had overcome my fear, honey, but I just haven't and performing is a nightmare for me.
Rose: [sternly] Hey, we've all got our sad stories. Look, Blanche, we've practiced for six weeks, we've paid for our costumes, we told everybody we'd be there, now you're not going to wimp out on me. You're going to go to that recital. And if you end up in a puddle tonight, well, you'd just better break in to Singin' in the Rain!
Rose: [sternly] Hey, we've all got our sad stories. Look, Blanche, we've practiced for six weeks, we've paid for our costumes, we told everybody we'd be there, now you're not going to wimp out on me. You're going to go to that recital. And if you end up in a puddle tonight, well, you'd just better break in to Singin' in the Rain!
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Bonnie: A few years ago, I had a mastectomy. And well, now I'm back for another.
Dorothy: And you're not scared?
Bonnie: I'm petrified. Nobody's that brave, except on TV and in the movies. I remember crying when they first told me, and I don't think I stopped until they wheeled me into surgery. Then afterward, I cried because I thought the pain would never go away. But it did. And it will again. You get through it. You move on. It could have been a lot worse, I could have missed these past three years....(after she goes quiet) Dorothy? Are you all right? How do you feel?
Dorothy: Like a fool. Like a damn fool.
Dorothy: And you're not scared?
Bonnie: I'm petrified. Nobody's that brave, except on TV and in the movies. I remember crying when they first told me, and I don't think I stopped until they wheeled me into surgery. Then afterward, I cried because I thought the pain would never go away. But it did. And it will again. You get through it. You move on. It could have been a lot worse, I could have missed these past three years....(after she goes quiet) Dorothy? Are you all right? How do you feel?
Dorothy: Like a fool. Like a damn fool.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Dorothy: (watching her roommate stretch) Why are you doing those exercises?
Bonnie: No reason. I just like to stay healthy.
Dorothy: I hate to break it to you, Bonnie, but you're in a hospital. The exercises aren't working.
Bonnie: No reason. I just like to stay healthy.
Dorothy: I hate to break it to you, Bonnie, but you're in a hospital. The exercises aren't working.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
Rose: Dorothy, if the Egyptians built the pyramids, now we can move this toilet.
Dorothy: Fine, get me 20,000 Hebrews and I'll have it out of here in no time.
Dorothy: Fine, get me 20,000 Hebrews and I'll have it out of here in no time.
TV Show: The Golden Girls
[Rose woke Dorothy with her banging in the bathroom.]
Dorothy: Honey, do you know what's behind that wall that you're banging on?
Rose: A lateral fusion pipe.
Dorothy: And do you know what's on the other side of that lateral fusion pipe?
Rose: No...
Dorothy: MY HEAD!!!
Rose: I'm sorry. It's just that I was so excited - I think I might have stumbled on something that could change the future of plumbing as we know it!
Dorothy: Great, Rose. Call the Ty-D-Bol Man. He'll jump in his boat and spread the news.
Dorothy: Honey, do you know what's behind that wall that you're banging on?
Rose: A lateral fusion pipe.
Dorothy: And do you know what's on the other side of that lateral fusion pipe?
Rose: No...
Dorothy: MY HEAD!!!
Rose: I'm sorry. It's just that I was so excited - I think I might have stumbled on something that could change the future of plumbing as we know it!
Dorothy: Great, Rose. Call the Ty-D-Bol Man. He'll jump in his boat and spread the news.
TV Show: The Golden Girls