The Kids in the Hall Quotes
Filipino kid: You are American?
Tourist: No, I'm a Canadian. It's like an American, but without the gun.
Tourist: No, I'm a Canadian. It's like an American, but without the gun.
TV Show: The Kids in the Hall
Fran: Gordon, what are you doing up, hon? It's after two o'clock in the morning.
Gordon: It's that salty bloody ham!
Fran: The ham we had at dinner?
Gordon: Yes! Was there another ham?
Fran: You didn't like it...
Gordon: No, I didn't like the ham, dear. It was a little bit salty, thanks.
Fran: Well, you certainly wolfed enough of it down.
Gordon: I didn't wolf it down. A man works all day, he expects a normal ham meal, not Goddamn bastard brine!
Fran: I don't know what could have gone wrong...
Gordon: Well, SOMETHING did!
Fran: I didn't do anything different... I went down to Deatrix and picked myself up a choice six pound Virginia ham.
Gordon: Did you drop it in SALT on the way home, perhaps?
Gordon: It's that salty bloody ham!
Fran: The ham we had at dinner?
Gordon: Yes! Was there another ham?
Fran: You didn't like it...
Gordon: No, I didn't like the ham, dear. It was a little bit salty, thanks.
Fran: Well, you certainly wolfed enough of it down.
Gordon: I didn't wolf it down. A man works all day, he expects a normal ham meal, not Goddamn bastard brine!
Fran: I don't know what could have gone wrong...
Gordon: Well, SOMETHING did!
Fran: I didn't do anything different... I went down to Deatrix and picked myself up a choice six pound Virginia ham.
Gordon: Did you drop it in SALT on the way home, perhaps?
TV Show: The Kids in the Hall
Man #1: So it was a good movie. It wasn't a great movie, but how often do you see a great movie?
Man #2: Oh, I saw a great movie last night. Yeah, it was on the late show. It was... um... uh... uh... oh, what was it called? It's a classic. It's... um... uh... oh, I hate this! I hate it when this happens!
Man #1: Well, what was it about?
Man #2: Uh, it's about this newspaper tycoon and he's dead and everybody's telling stories about him and...
Man #1: It's Citizen Kane.
Man #2: No, that's not it. No, no, no, no. But it's something like that. It's uh... it's um...
Man #1: Okay, who was in it?
Man #2: Orson Welles is in it. And it's called...
Man #1: Then this is Citizen Kane. It's Citizen Kane.
Man #2: No, that isn't it. That's isn't it, but you're not far from it. It's uh...
Man #1: Well, who else was in it?
Man #2: Uh... I don't know.
Man #1: Was Joseph Cotten in it?
Man #2: What else has he been in?
Man #1: The Third Man, The Magnificent Ambersons...
Man #2: Oh, The Magnificent Ambersons! Yes! Yes, yes, he was in it! Yes! Oh, that's one of my favorite Orson Welles movies!
Man #1: Well, this is definitely Citizen Kane, then. You're talking about Citizen Kane.
Man #2: No... no, no. But it's... it's something like that.
Man #2: Oh, I saw a great movie last night. Yeah, it was on the late show. It was... um... uh... uh... oh, what was it called? It's a classic. It's... um... uh... oh, I hate this! I hate it when this happens!
Man #1: Well, what was it about?
Man #2: Uh, it's about this newspaper tycoon and he's dead and everybody's telling stories about him and...
Man #1: It's Citizen Kane.
Man #2: No, that's not it. No, no, no, no. But it's something like that. It's uh... it's um...
Man #1: Okay, who was in it?
Man #2: Orson Welles is in it. And it's called...
Man #1: Then this is Citizen Kane. It's Citizen Kane.
Man #2: No, that isn't it. That's isn't it, but you're not far from it. It's uh...
Man #1: Well, who else was in it?
Man #2: Uh... I don't know.
Man #1: Was Joseph Cotten in it?
Man #2: What else has he been in?
Man #1: The Third Man, The Magnificent Ambersons...
Man #2: Oh, The Magnificent Ambersons! Yes! Yes, yes, he was in it! Yes! Oh, that's one of my favorite Orson Welles movies!
Man #1: Well, this is definitely Citizen Kane, then. You're talking about Citizen Kane.
Man #2: No... no, no. But it's... it's something like that.
TV Show: The Kids in the Hall
McGillicuty: Say Mr. Greene, I hear you manage a baseball team.
Greene: No. I'm a vaudevillian.
McGillicuty: No, I think you manage a baseball team.
Greene: Yes of course, yes I do manage a baseball team.
McGillicuty: I understand some of the players have rather strange nicknames, rather silly pet names the players have nowadays.
Greene: Yes, it's true. In fact, I have the team roster with me right here. For instance, Hu is on first base, Watt is on second, and Iduno is on third base.
McGillicuty: Who's on first base?
Greene: Yes.
McGillicuty: Who?
Greene: Yes, who is the man on first base.
McGillicuty: Why are you asking me; I'm asking you. What's the name of the guy on first base?
Greene: No no, Watt is on - oh, I see what your problem is. Look, you're confused by their names, because they all sound like questions.
McGillicuty: I dunno. [whispers]
McGillicuty: Third base.
Greene: Well, I'll explain it to you. See, on first base is Hu, Samuel Hu, and you're probably not familiar with that name because his grandfather was Chinese. And on second base is Hector Watt, W-A-T-T Watt, and that's not so unusual because James Watt invented the steam engine. And on third base is Phil Iduno, I-D-U-N-O, and if you do say that fast, it does sound like the phrase Gee, I dunno, but it's actually Iduno, Phil Iduno.
McGillicuty: That's it. You're hopeless, you're pathetic, you're the worst straight man I ever worked with. I quit. I should have never saved you from those seals.
Greene
Greene: No. I'm a vaudevillian.
McGillicuty: No, I think you manage a baseball team.
Greene: Yes of course, yes I do manage a baseball team.
McGillicuty: I understand some of the players have rather strange nicknames, rather silly pet names the players have nowadays.
Greene: Yes, it's true. In fact, I have the team roster with me right here. For instance, Hu is on first base, Watt is on second, and Iduno is on third base.
McGillicuty: Who's on first base?
Greene: Yes.
McGillicuty: Who?
Greene: Yes, who is the man on first base.
McGillicuty: Why are you asking me; I'm asking you. What's the name of the guy on first base?
Greene: No no, Watt is on - oh, I see what your problem is. Look, you're confused by their names, because they all sound like questions.
McGillicuty: I dunno. [whispers]
McGillicuty: Third base.
Greene: Well, I'll explain it to you. See, on first base is Hu, Samuel Hu, and you're probably not familiar with that name because his grandfather was Chinese. And on second base is Hector Watt, W-A-T-T Watt, and that's not so unusual because James Watt invented the steam engine. And on third base is Phil Iduno, I-D-U-N-O, and if you do say that fast, it does sound like the phrase Gee, I dunno, but it's actually Iduno, Phil Iduno.
McGillicuty: That's it. You're hopeless, you're pathetic, you're the worst straight man I ever worked with. I quit. I should have never saved you from those seals.
Greene
TV Show: The Kids in the Hall
Rick Metheral: I believe the aliens are here to collect decorative spoons. My own store has been visited three times by three separate groups of aliens, and each time, although they initially expressed a lot of interest in the beer mug shaped like a tit, their only purchase was the Stevenville commemorative spoon. In fact, the last group complained, quite tellingly, I think. They said, Why don't you have a spoon that just says 'Earth?' It would save time.
TV Show: The Kids in the Hall
Bruce McCullough: I'm sorry I caused all that throat cancer and all that bowel cancer. I was just on a roll.
Dave Foley: And?
Bruce McCullough: And I won't do it again.
Dave Foley: And?
Bruce McCullough: And I won't do it again.
TV Show: The Kids in the Hall