The Muppet Show Quotes
Fozzie: [Phone rings] I got it! [Answers]
Fozzie: Muppet Show backstage. [an explosion with bright light comes through the phone's mike]
Kermit: [a little shaken] Uh Fozzie, who was it this time?
Fozzie: The Atomic Energy Commission.
Fozzie: Muppet Show backstage. [an explosion with bright light comes through the phone's mike]
Kermit: [a little shaken] Uh Fozzie, who was it this time?
Fozzie: The Atomic Energy Commission.
TV Show: The Muppet Show
Kermit: Fozzie, what are you doing with this typewriter on my table?
Fozzie: Kermit, I am writing the script for this week's show!
Kermit: What makes you think the show needs a script?
Fozzie: Oh, come on Kermit! Every show has a script! Yeah, that way you leave nothing to chance! [Rowlf and Lew Zealand enter, about to go on stage for the Musical Moment]
Fozzie: Hey guys! Guys! This is the Musical Moment for this week.
Rowlf: [reading] Curtains open. Rowlf and Lew Zealand do something funny. Curtains close. [Rowlf and Lew Zealand exit for the stage]
Fozzie: [calling after them] Go get 'em!
Kermit: You leave nothing to chance, huh?
Fozzie: Trust me.
Fozzie: Kermit, I am writing the script for this week's show!
Kermit: What makes you think the show needs a script?
Fozzie: Oh, come on Kermit! Every show has a script! Yeah, that way you leave nothing to chance! [Rowlf and Lew Zealand enter, about to go on stage for the Musical Moment]
Fozzie: Hey guys! Guys! This is the Musical Moment for this week.
Rowlf: [reading] Curtains open. Rowlf and Lew Zealand do something funny. Curtains close. [Rowlf and Lew Zealand exit for the stage]
Fozzie: [calling after them] Go get 'em!
Kermit: You leave nothing to chance, huh?
Fozzie: Trust me.
TV Show: The Muppet Show
Kermit the Frog: Welcome. And what a show we have for you tonight. How would you like to see 4000 woodpeckers performing an aerial ballet, while 87 gorillas and 2 dozen elephants do "The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy"? Well forget it, because instead we've got Joel Grey as a guest star, which in a way is like having all the excitement of everything I mentioned without having to clean up afterwards. But right now let's get things rolling on The Muppet Show where we have "Comedy Tonight".
TV Show: The Muppet Show
Paul Williams: You know, when they asked me to do the show, I was delighted. I mean, this is a great show to do. I have a very special reason to be excited. You see, except for me, the entire cast is Muppets. Muppets are little, tiny things. For the first time in my life, no-one will make jokes about how short I am. For the first time in my life, I am the tallest person on the show. [large Muppets surround him]
Paul Williams: For the first time in my life, I will cry in front of thirty million people.
Paul Williams: For the first time in my life, I will cry in front of thirty million people.
TV Show: The Muppet Show
Rowlf: You And I And George went strolling down the park one day/And then you held my hand as if to say I Love You/Then we passed a brook and George fell in and drowned himself/And floated out to sea leaving you alone with me.
TV Show: The Muppet Show
Statler: This show brought a tear to my eye...
Waldorf: Really?
Statler: Yeah, I'm sitting on a tack.
Waldorf: Really?
Statler: Yeah, I'm sitting on a tack.
TV Show: The Muppet Show
Gonzo: Well, she's nothing like you at all. She is beautiful, and she's got this cute little nose... [sniffs] and she's intelligent... [sniffs] and talented...
TV Show: The Muppet Show
Waldorf: That's one of the reasons I always thought the Muppets are weird. They think explosions are funny. Explosions aren't funny.
[Statler's cigar explodes.]
Waldorf: ...although, some of them are really quite droll.
[Statler's cigar explodes.]
Waldorf: ...although, some of them are really quite droll.
TV Show: The Muppet Show
Kermit: [after Juliet called him "the Robert Redford of frogs] You're gonna be coming back on this show a LOT!
TV Show: The Muppet Show
Waldorf: Yeah, whadya think?
Statler: Beats sitting home watching television.
?: Mahna Mahna!
Statler: Beats sitting home watching television.
?: Mahna Mahna!
TV Show: The Muppet Show
Bert: Ernie... did I make a complete fool of myself?
Ernie: [patting Bert's shoulder] Absolutely, Bert.
Ernie: [patting Bert's shoulder] Absolutely, Bert.
TV Show: The Muppet Show
Statler: Hm. Do you think this show is educational?
Waldorf: Yes. It'll drive people to read books.
Waldorf: Yes. It'll drive people to read books.
TV Show: The Muppet Show
Fozzie: Bug off? What kind of joke was that?
Kermit: That was no joke, Fozzie.
Fozzie: That was my wife!
Kermit: That was no joke, Fozzie.
Fozzie: That was my wife!
TV Show: The Muppet Show
Robot Kermit: Hey, listen, how about you, and me getting together, and making some steam heat. Huh, snuggle bunny?
Miss Piggy: Snuggle bunnny? Why, uh...
Robot Kermit: Yeah. Look, let me take you away from all this. Ah, a marriage made in heaven! A frog and a pig. And we can have bouncing baby figs!
Miss Piggy: Snuggle bunnny? Why, uh...
Robot Kermit: Yeah. Look, let me take you away from all this. Ah, a marriage made in heaven! A frog and a pig. And we can have bouncing baby figs!
TV Show: The Muppet Show
Statler: Well, did you like the show?
Waldorf: No I didn't. No I didn't. No I didn't.
Waldorf: No I didn't. No I didn't. No I didn't.
TV Show: The Muppet Show
Dancer: I hear you come from a broken home.
Animal: Yeah, I broke it myself!
Animal: Yeah, I broke it myself!
TV Show: The Muppet Show
Kermit: Your salary is 20 a week.
Scooter: Could you make it 25?
Kermit: Are you kidding? I can't afford it!
Scooter: Gee, my uncle will be really disappointed.
Kermit: How about 30?
Scooter: Could you make it 25?
Kermit: Are you kidding? I can't afford it!
Scooter: Gee, my uncle will be really disappointed.
Kermit: How about 30?
TV Show: The Muppet Show
Waldorf: Pay up, they made it through another one.
Statler: Double or nothing on next week's show?
Waldorf: You're on.
Statler: Double or nothing on next week's show?
Waldorf: You're on.
TV Show: The Muppet Show
Kermit: Can we get back to the subject at hand... Florence?
Florence: Well, there's no question in my mind!
Kermit: [after a pause] As to what?
Florence: Nothing! There's no question in my mind! Ha ha! No answers either.
Florence: Well, there's no question in my mind!
Kermit: [after a pause] As to what?
Florence: Nothing! There's no question in my mind! Ha ha! No answers either.
TV Show: The Muppet Show
Janice: That man is annnoying me.
Zoot: He isn't even looking at you.
Janice: That's what's annoying me.
Zoot: He isn't even looking at you.
Janice: That's what's annoying me.
TV Show: The Muppet Show
Gonzo: Hey, Kermit, are you busy?
Kermit: Yes, Gonzo, but I can give you my ear for a minute.
Gonzo: What would I do with your ear?
Kermit: [exasperated] Van Gogh impressons.
Kermit: Yes, Gonzo, but I can give you my ear for a minute.
Gonzo: What would I do with your ear?
Kermit: [exasperated] Van Gogh impressons.
TV Show: The Muppet Show
Dr Bob: This is D for Doc B for Bob saying turn off the Joy Juice [laughs then puts gas mask to his left ear] Hmm? [speaks into it] Ten-Roger, Ok where were we? Pulse?
Nurse Piggy: [checks pulse] (gasps) No pulse Dr Bob
Dr Bob: Hmmm, Heartbeat?
Nurse Janice: [checks heartbeat] No heartbeat Dr Bob
Dr Bob: No pulse, no heartbeat, no use. He's gone!
Nurse Janice: And Dr Bob your record was so good, you saved nine out of ten
Dr Bob: My record is still good, this week he was ten
Announcer: And so Dr Bob's record is still good, it is top on the medical fame, with a bullet, tune in next when we will hear nurse Piggy say...
Nurse Piggy: I hope nobody hears about this Dr Bob
Dr Bob: At least he wont say anything, hahaha!
Nurse Piggy: I get it! haha! I get it! (laughs with him)
Nurse Piggy: [checks pulse] (gasps) No pulse Dr Bob
Dr Bob: Hmmm, Heartbeat?
Nurse Janice: [checks heartbeat] No heartbeat Dr Bob
Dr Bob: No pulse, no heartbeat, no use. He's gone!
Nurse Janice: And Dr Bob your record was so good, you saved nine out of ten
Dr Bob: My record is still good, this week he was ten
Announcer: And so Dr Bob's record is still good, it is top on the medical fame, with a bullet, tune in next when we will hear nurse Piggy say...
Nurse Piggy: I hope nobody hears about this Dr Bob
Dr Bob: At least he wont say anything, hahaha!
Nurse Piggy: I get it! haha! I get it! (laughs with him)
TV Show: The Muppet Show
Harvey Korman[as Maurice the Magnificent]: Speak. Speak you demon, SPEAK!
Thog: [gulps] I hardly know where to begin.
Thog: [gulps] I hardly know where to begin.
TV Show: The Muppet Show
Kermit: Well, Piggy, sometimes, the truth hurts.
Miss Piggy: Hurt? I'll show you hurt, Kermie!
Miss Piggy: Hurt? I'll show you hurt, Kermie!
TV Show: The Muppet Show
Kermit: Okay, okay, good bit, good bit, good ending, and sorry about the head.
TV Show: The Muppet Show
Fozzie: My cousin is so dumb, he thinks eggs benedict is a Mafia gangster!
Kermit: I've seen cheeseburgers funnier than that!
Kermit: I've seen cheeseburgers funnier than that!
TV Show: The Muppet Show
Fozzie: Would you lend me a fiver till pay day? I gotta pay my writer, the legendary 'Gags' Beasley.
Kermit: The legendary 'Gags' comes pretty cheap, doesn't he?
Fozzie: Well, we worked out a great deal.
Kermit: You pay him by the line?
Fozzie: No, I pay him by the laugh.
Kermit: Oh, then he owes you money.
Kermit: The legendary 'Gags' comes pretty cheap, doesn't he?
Fozzie: Well, we worked out a great deal.
Kermit: You pay him by the line?
Fozzie: No, I pay him by the laugh.
Kermit: Oh, then he owes you money.
TV Show: The Muppet Show
Miss Piggy: Kermit, dear, did you know that every time we have a beautiful girl on this show, you forget about me?
Kermit: Yeah, well, we could have a seal act on this show, Piggy, and I might forget about you.
Kermit: Yeah, well, we could have a seal act on this show, Piggy, and I might forget about you.
TV Show: The Muppet Show