The Office Quotes
David Brent: I don't live by "The Rules" you know, and if there's one person who has influenced me in that way of thinking, someone who is a maverick, someone who does 'that' to the system then it's Ian Botham.
TV Show: The Office
David Brent: I don't look upon this like it's the end, I look upon it like it's moving on you know. It's almost like my work here's done. I can't imagine Jesus going 'Oh, I've told a few people in Bethlehem I'm the son of God, can I just stay here with Mum and Dad now?' No. You gotta move on. You gotta spread the word. You gotta go to Nazareth, please. And that's, very much like... me. My world does not end within these four walls, Slough's a big place. And when I've finished with Slough, there's Reading, Aldershot, Bracknell, you know I've got to-Didcott, Yately. You know. My-Winersh, Taplow. Because I am my own boss, I can-Burfield. I can wake up one morning and go 'Ooh, I don't feel like working today, can I just stay in bed?' 'Ooh, don't know, better ask the boss.' 'David can I stay in bed all day?' 'Yes you can David.' Both me, that's not me in bed with another bloke called David.
TV Show: The Office
David Brent: I gave a speech only this morning to my staff assuring them that there would not be cutbacks at this branch and there certainly wouldn't be redundancies, so...
Jennifer Taylor-Clark: Well, why on Earth would you do that?
David Brent: Why? Oh, don't know. A little word I think's important in management called morale.
Jennifer Taylor-Clark: Well, surely it's going to be worse for morale in the long run when there ARE redundancies and you've told people that there won't be. [pause]
David Brent: They won't remember.
TV Show: The Office
David Brent: Is this why you're around all the time? Keeping tabs on me? I don't need a babysitter, you know, so...
Neil Godwin: Well, with respect David, I think you do.
TV Show: The Office
David Brent: Let's agree to disagree.
Neil Godwin: No. Let's agree that you agree with me.
TV Show: The Office
David Brent: People see me, and they see the suit, and they go: "you're not fooling anyone", they know I'm rock and roll through and through. But you know that old thing, live fast, die young? Not my way. Live fast, sure, live too bloody fast sometimes, but die young? Die old. That's the way- not orthodox, I don't live by "the rules" you know. And if there's one other person who's influenced me in that way I think, someone who is a maverick, someone who does that to the system, then, it's Ian Botham. Because Beefy will happily say "that's what I think of your selection policy, yes I've hit the odd copper, yes I've enjoyed the old dooby, but will you piss off and leave me alone, I'm walking to John O'Groats for some spastics."
TV Show: The Office
David Brent: Some people are intimidated when talking to large numbers of people in an entertaining way. Not me.
TV Show: The Office
David Brent: The reason I put "If it's in you, I'll find it" is, if I waste good time and money looking for it, and see it's definitely not in you, I don't wanna be sued 'cos you haven't got it, so, you know, not gonna get me on that.
TV Show: The Office
David Brent: There are limits to my comedy. There are things that I'll never laugh at. The handicapped. Because there's nothing funny about them. Or any deformity. It's like when you see someone look at a little handicapped and go 'ooh, look at him, he's not able-bodied. I am, I'm prejudiced.' Yeah, well, at least the little handicapped fella is able-minded. Unless he's not, it's difficult to tell with the wheelchair ones.
TV Show: The Office
David Brent: They're malleable, and you know that's what I like really, you know. I don't like people who come here: 'Ooh, we did it this way, we did it that way'. I just wanna go do it this way. If you like. If you don't... Team playing-I call it team individuality, it's a new, it's like a management style. Again guilty, unorthodox, sue me.
TV Show: The Office
David Brent: Trust, encouragement, reward, loyalty... satisfaction. That's what I'm... you know. Trust people and they'll be true to you. Treat them greatly, and they will show themselves to be great.
TV Show: The Office
David Brent: Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous! No - purely social. I know someone who is an alchoholic and it is no laughing matter - particularly for his wife. And she's got alopecia. So... not a happy homelife.
TV Show: The Office
David Brent: When people say to me: would you rather be thought of as a funny man or a great boss? My answer's always the same, to me, they're not mutually exclusive.
TV Show: The Office
David Brent: You just have to accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.
TV Show: The Office
Chris Finch: So I get there, she's aged 19, Ferrari chassis, fantastic set of shelves and legs up to her arse. Muchos tequilas later I'm in a cab with her.
TV Show: The Office
[during a "Diversity Day" exercise; Angela is wearing a sign on her forehead that says "Jamaican."]
Kevin: Hey.
Angela: Hey.
Kevin: You wanna go to the beach?
Angela: Sure.
Kevin: You wanna get high?
Angela: No.
Kevin: I think you do, mon.
Kevin: Hey.
Angela: Hey.
Kevin: You wanna go to the beach?
Angela: Sure.
Kevin: You wanna get high?
Angela: No.
Kevin: I think you do, mon.
TV Show: The Office
[Jim and Pam were joking around about when they would get engaged]
Jim Halpert: [talking head] I am not kidding. [pulls out an engagement ring]
Jim Halpert: Bought it a week after we started dating.
Jim Halpert: [talking head] I am not kidding. [pulls out an engagement ring]
Jim Halpert: Bought it a week after we started dating.
TV Show: The Office
[Jim exits his car and runs to meet Pam under the overhang]
Pam Beesley: Hey! This is not halfway! I did the math, I had to drive way longer than you. Montclair would have been closer, so you have to buy lunch. [Jim drops to one knee]
Pam Beesley: What are you doing?
Jim Halpert: [holding out a jewelry box] I just... I can't wait.
Pam Beesley: Oh, my God.
Jim Halpert: Pam, will you marry me?
Pam Beesley: [laughing incredulously] Oh, my God!
Jim Halpert: ...So?
Pam Beesley: [nods happily] Yes!
Pam Beesley: Hey! This is not halfway! I did the math, I had to drive way longer than you. Montclair would have been closer, so you have to buy lunch. [Jim drops to one knee]
Pam Beesley: What are you doing?
Jim Halpert: [holding out a jewelry box] I just... I can't wait.
Pam Beesley: Oh, my God.
Jim Halpert: Pam, will you marry me?
Pam Beesley: [laughing incredulously] Oh, my God!
Jim Halpert: ...So?
Pam Beesley: [nods happily] Yes!
TV Show: The Office
[Jim set a fence of pencils up between Dwight and his desk]
Dwight Schrute: Your pencils are creating a health hazard. I could fall and pierce an organ.
Dwight Schrute: Your pencils are creating a health hazard. I could fall and pierce an organ.
TV Show: The Office
[Michael attempts to assemble a basketball team and Oscar, of Mexican descent, approaches]
Oscar: I can play, if you need any help.
Michael Scott: I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we ever decide to box.
Oscar: I can play, if you need any help.
Michael Scott: I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we ever decide to box.
TV Show: The Office
Jan Levinson-Gould: [on phone] Dwight, listen to me very carefully: you are not a manager of anything. Understand?
Dwight Schrute: That's not entirely true, because he put me in charge of picking a healthcare plan.
Jan Levinson-Gould: Really? Okay, when Michael gets back, you tell him to call me immediately.
Dwight Schrute: Call you immediately, good. Hey listen, since I have you on the phone, um, can I fire Jim?
Jan Levinson-Gould: No.
TV Show: The Office
Jan Levinson-Gould: Some times a manager - like yourself - has to deliver the bad news to the employees. I do it all the time.
Michael Scott: Oh yeah, when have you ever done that?
Jan Levinson-Gould: I'm doing it right now, to you.
TV Show: The Office
Creed: I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the 60's, I made love to many, many women. Often outdoors... in the mud and the rain. And it's possible a man slipped in. There would be no way of knowing.
TV Show: The Office
Michael Scott: [choosing team names for the company's beach day] Dwight, name your team.
Dwight Schrute: We will be called GRYFFINDOR!
Jim Halpert: Really? Not Slytherin?
Dwight Schrute: Slytherin are the bad guys, Jim.
Jim Halpert: I know. Okay, we will be Voldemort.
Dwight Schrute: He-who-must-not-be-named? I wouldn't do that.
Jim Halpert: [with his team, while Dwight screams no] Voldemort. Voldemort. Voldemort. Voldemort. Voldemort.
Michael Scott: Stanley, your team name?
Stanley: I don't care what you name my team.
Michael Scott: Then I will name your team the red team.
Stanley: No, the blue team.
TV Show: The Office
Michael Scott: [holds up his injured foot, which is wrapped in plastic] What does this look like to you?
Stanley: Mailboxes, Etc.
TV Show: The Office
Michael Scott: [just arrived at party, uninvited, and notices I.T. guy, who wears a turban] Aw, come on! That guy? [pauses, looks at camera]
Michael Scott: He is a good guy, not a terrorist.
TV Show: The Office
Michael Scott: [trying to motivate an employee for the basketball game] You'll be like the dwarf that follows the wizard to the end of the earth in... uh... Lord of the Rings!
Dwight Schrute: Gimli.
Michael Scott: ...NERD. THAT's why you're not on the team.
TV Show: The Office
Michael Scott: A lot of the people here don't get trophies very often, like Meridith or Kevin. I mean who's gonna give Kevin an award, Dunkin' Donuts?
TV Show: The Office