The Office Quotes
Michael Scott: You'll notice, I didn't have anybody being Arab. I thought that would be too explosive, uh, no pun intended. But I just thought, "too soon" for Arabs, maybe next year. You know, the ball's in their court.
TV Show: The Office
Edward R. Meow: [Michael and the employees kids are watching the young Michael on an old puppet show] So, tell me, what do you wanna be when you grow up?
Young Michael Scott: I wanna be married and have 100 kids so I can have 100 friends, and no one can say no to being my friend.
Edward R. Meow: [Long pause] Uh... oh, ok. Well, nice talking with you, Michael. Back to you, Miss Trudy!
Melissa Hudson: [after Michael turns off the clip] Did you get married?
Michael Scott: Uh, no...
Abby: Why not?
Michael Scott: Uh, it just never happened.
Sasha: So, do you have any kids?
Michael Scott: Uh, nope.
Jake Palmer: Do you have a girlfriend?
Michael Scott: I do ok.
Melissa Hudson: Was Chet Montgomery cool back then?
Jake Palmer: Even I have a girlfriend.
Michael Scott: Ok. Alright, ok.
Sasha: So you didn't get to be who you wanted to be.
Michael Scott: [pause] I guess not...
TV Show: The Office
Pam Beesley: [about the office awards the Dundees] You know what they say about a car wreck, where it's so awful you can't look away? The Dundees are like a car wreck that you want to look away from but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.
TV Show: The Office
Pam Beesley: [trying to make Dwight think that it's Friday] Hey, did you watch The Apprentice last night?
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I can't believe who they kicked out!
Pam Beesley: Oh, I know!
Dwight Schrute: Damn it! I missed it! I was out drinking with my Laser Tage Team, I can't believe I did that! I never go out on Thursday nights. [looks down shaking his head]
Jim Halpert: [raises hands in the air whispering] Yes!
TV Show: The Office
Pam Beesley: I don't think it would be the worst thing if they let me go. Because then I might... [pauses]
Pam Beesley: Its just, I don't think it's many girls' dream to be a receptionist.
TV Show: The Office
Pam Beesley: I suggested we flip a coin, but Angela said she doesn't like to gamble. Of course by saying that, she was gambling that I wouldn't smack her.
TV Show: The Office
Pam Beesley: I'm just saying Roy is very competitive and he wants to take the waverunners to the lake this Saturday, so...
Jim Halpert: Well I'm going to the outlet mall on Saturday, so if you wanna save big on brand names, and Roy has to work, which he will, because I'm also competitive, you should feel free to come along.
Pam Beesley: Um, I think I'm gonna be up at the lake.
Jim Halpert: I think I'll see you at the mall... yeah.
TV Show: The Office
Pam Beesley: Jim cannot speak until he buys me a coke. Those are the rules of Jinx, and they are unflinchingly rigid.
TV Show: The Office
Pam Beesley: The thing about Jim is... when he's excited about something- like the Office Olympics- he gets really into it and he does a really great job. But the problem with Jim is that he works here so... that hardly ever happens.
TV Show: The Office
Pam Beesley: There's nothing new.
Michael Scott: That's not what you said earlier.
Pam Beesley: Oh, do you want me to repeat the messages that I gave you before?
TV Show: The Office
Toby: I need to talk to you in your office, it'll just take two seconds.
Michael Scott: Literally two seconds?
TV Show: The Office
Phyllis: [at the Christmas party] Hi, guys. Does everyone know my boyfriend, Bob Vance?
Kevin: [introducing himself to Bob] Kevin Malone.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance. Vance Refrigeration.
Stanley: Stanley Hudson.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance. Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan Howard: Ryan Howard.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance. Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan Howard: [Kevin, Stanley, and Ryan all smile to themselves] What line of work are you in, Bob?
TV Show: The Office
Phyllis: [the employees are listing what books they would like to read on a desert island] The DaVinci Code.
Angela: The DaVinci Code. I would bring The DaVinci Code. So I could burn The DaVinci Code.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah right, that would keep you warm for like 7 seconds.
TV Show: The Office
Dwight Schrute: [Diversity Day exercise; Dwight has a card on his head that says "Asian"] ... lots of cultures eat rice, that doesn't help me.
TV Show: The Office
Dwight Schrute: [running into work after discovering it really was a Friday] I'm here! It's okay!
TV Show: The Office
Dwight Schrute: [thinking he's steering the "Booze Cruise" boat] I was the youngest pilot in Pan Am history. When I was four, the pilot let me ride in the cockpit and fly the plane with him. And I was four, and I was great and I would have landed it, but my dad wanted us to go back to our seats.
TV Show: The Office
Dwight Schrute: [to the tune of "We Didn't Start The Fire"] Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television, North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe, Ryan started the fire!
TV Show: The Office
Dwight Schrute: Dammit, he put my stapler in jello again! [Points to Michael]
Dwight Schrute: You can be a witness to this.
Jim Halpert: [eating jello] How do you know it was me?
TV Show: The Office
Dwight Schrute: Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on.
TV Show: The Office
Dwight Schrute: I come from a long line of fighters, my maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran. He killed twenty men and then spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp... My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life... different kind of fight.
TV Show: The Office
Dwight Schrute: I have been Michael's number two guy for about five years, and we make a great team. We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart and I'm like Mozart's friend. No, I'm like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you're gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
TV Show: The Office
Dwight Schrute: I.D. badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?
TV Show: The Office
Dwight Schrute: In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, "Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me and I'm dead." Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion, you're dead.
TV Show: The Office
Dwight Schrute: Number one: Inverted Penis.
Meredith: Could you mean vagina? Cause if you do, I want that covered.
Dwight Schrute: I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy.
Meredith: A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.
TV Show: The Office
Dwight Schrute: Okay, first, let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?
Michael Scott: Uh, none: you're picking a healthcare plan.
TV Show: The Office
Dwight Schrute: Please knock, this is an office.
Jim Halpert: It [pointing to sign]
Jim Halpert: says "work space".
Dwight Schrute: Same thing.
Jim Halpert: If it's the same thing, then why'd you write "work space"?
TV Show: The Office
Dwight Schrute: So you got the fax. So why didn't you add it to the resume? What do you mean? Of course martial arts training is relevant. Oh excuse me, I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ. Uh, yeah, I get a little frustrated when I'm dealing with incompetence. Well, you know what? You can go to hell and I will see you there. Burning. Fine. Oh, wait, so you'll let me know when you've made a decision?
TV Show: The Office
Dwight Schrute: Someone forged medical information, and that's a felony.
Jim Halpert: OK, Whoa, all right 'cause that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?
Dwight Schrute: [reading from a sheet] Uh, Leprosy, Flesh Eating Bacteria, Hot Dog Fingers, Government Created Killer Nano Robot Infection.
TV Show: The Office
Dwight Schrute: Studies show that more information is passed through watercooler gossip than through official memos, which puts me at a disadvantage because [picks up water bottle]
Dwight Schrute: I bring my own water to work.
TV Show: The Office