The Office Quotes
Dwight Schrute: The purse girl hits everything on my checklist: creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts. Not for me... for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.
TV Show: The Office
Dwight Schrute: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam Beesley: Why would you wanna raise your cholesterol?
Dwight Schrute: So I can lower it.
TV Show: The Office
Dwight Schrute: When I was in the 6th grade I was a finalist in our school spelling bee. It was me against Raj Patel. I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word "failure".
TV Show: The Office
Dwight Schrute: Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. You have to snare it. And then you have to tame it. Keep it happy. Care for it. Feed it. Lovingly, the way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.
TV Show: The Office
Dwight Schrute: Would I ever leave this company? Look, I'm all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I'm being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most.
TV Show: The Office
Dwight Schrute: Yes, I have acted before. I was in a production of Oklahoma in the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutey, the mailman. They had too many kids so they made up roles like that... I was good.
TV Show: The Office
Dwight Schrute: Yes, I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years... which I'm looking forward to. It's an Amish technique; it's like slapping someone with silence.
Dwight Schrute: I was shunned from the age of 4 until my 6th birthday, for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.
TV Show: The Office
Jim Halpert: [imitating Dwight] Bears eat beets. Bears... Beets... Battlestar Galactica.
TV Show: The Office
Jim Halpert: [Michael's hands are tied to the rail of the Booze Cruise ship] What happened to you?
Michael Scott: Captain Jack has a problem with authority.
Jim Halpert: Oh, right, 'cause you announced that his ship was sinking
Michael Scott: He just totally lost it. If you ask me he caused the panic.
Jim Halpert: What a night...
Michael Scott: Yeah, well. Good for you, your friend got engaged.
Jim Halpert: She was already engaged.
Michael Scott: Roy said the first one didn't count.
Jim Halpert: That's... great. To tell you the truth, I used to have a big thing for pam. So...
Michael Scott: Really. You're kidding me. You and Pam? Wow. I would have never put you two together... did you really... you really hid it well. God. I usually have a radar for stuff like that. [sighs]
Michael Scott: You know I made out with Jan.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. I know.
Michael Scott: Yeah. Yeah. Well, Pam is cute.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. She's really funny, and... she's warm, and she's just... anyway.
Michael Scott: Well, if you like her so much, don't give up.
Jim Halpert: She's engaged.
Michael Scott: Pift. BFD. Engaged aint married.
Jim Halpert: Huh.
Michael Scott: [Uncharacteristically serious] Never, ever, ever give up.
TV Show: The Office
Jim Halpert: Because right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher, this would be my career. And if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.
TV Show: The Office
Jim Halpert: Dwight thinks it's Friday so that's what I'm going to be doing this afternoon.
TV Show: The Office
Jim Halpert: God, this is so sad, this is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head.
TV Show: The Office
Jim Halpert: Hey, uh, can I talk to you about something?
Pam Beesley: About when you want to give me more of your money?
Jim Halpert: No, I...
Pam Beesley: Did you want to do that now? We can go inside. I'm feeling kind of good tonight.
Jim Halpert: I was just... I am in love with you.
Pam Beesley: [No longer smiling] What?
Jim Halpert: I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear, but I needed you to hear it. Probably not good timing. I know that, I just...
Pam Beesley: [Stunned] What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?
Jim Halpert: I just needed you to know. Once.
Pam Beesley: Well, I... I can't...
Jim Halpert: Yeah...
Pam Beesley: You have no idea...
Jim Halpert: Don't do that...
Pam Beesley: ...what your friendship means to me.
Jim Halpert: C'mon. I don't want to do that. I want to be more than that.
Pam Beesley: I can't. [a small tear runs down Jim's face]
Pam Beesley: I'm really sorry... if you misinterpreted things. It's probably my fault.
Jim Halpert: [Trying to recover] Not your fault. I'm sorry I misinterpreted our friendship.
TV Show: The Office
Jim Halpert: Just have Dwight punch you.
Michael Scott: Oh, yeah! [scoffs]
Michael Scott: Well, that would be kinda worthless because I know a ton of 14-year-old girls who can kick his ass.
Jim Halpert: You know a ton of 14-year-old girls?
Dwight Schrute: What belt are they?
TV Show: The Office
Jim Halpert: Last night on "Trading Spouses," there's... did you see it?
Pam Beesley: No, I have a life.
Jim Halpert: Interesting, what's that like?
Pam Beesley: You should try it some time.
Jim Halpert: Wow. But then who would watch my TV?
TV Show: The Office
Jim Halpert: Michael stands in front of the boat and says he's king of the world within the first hour, or I give you my next paycheck.
TV Show: The Office
Jim Halpert: My roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm making Dwight up. [takes a deep breath, shakes head]
Jim Halpert: He is very real. [sighs]
TV Show: The Office
Jim Halpert: Sometimes I send Dwight faxes from himself in the future.
Dwight Schrute: [reading fax] Dear Dwight, At 8: 00 someone will poison the coffee. Do not drink the coffee! More instructions will follow. Cordially, Future Dwight
Dwight Schrute: [sees Stanley about to drink the coffee and sprints across the office, knocking the cup out of Stanley's hand]
Dwight Schrute: NO! [after knocking the cup to the floor]
Dwight Schrute: You'll thank me later.
TV Show: The Office
Jim Halpert: The Albany branch is working right through lunch, to prevent downsizing. But, Michael, he decided to extend our lunch by an hour, so that we could all go down to the dojo and watch him fight Dwight.
TV Show: The Office
Jim Halpert: Wow, what a terrible day to not be able to talk. Dwight was literally carrying around his own urine, and dressed like one of the Village People. Why does he do the things that he does for Michael? I just don't get it. [We see a clip of Jim talking to Pam after he had stayed quiet for her the entire day in a game of Jinx]
Jim Halpert: What is he getting out of that relationship?
TV Show: The Office
Jim Halpert: Yeah, on the booze cruise I... told Michael about some feelings I used to have for Pam. I... had just broken up with Katy, and... had a couple of drinks, and I confided in the world's worst confidant.
TV Show: The Office
Ryan Howard: [sees Todd's License plate is WLHUNG] You a big William Hung fan?
Todd Packer: Why does everyone ask me that? Who the hell is that?
TV Show: The Office
Ryan Howard: If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds and nobody would ever know I had ever been here. And I'd forget too.
TV Show: The Office
Oscar: Both my parents were born in Mexico, and they moved to the United States a year before I was born, so I grew up in the United States... my parents were Mexican.
Michael Scott: Wow, that is a great story. That's the American dream right there, right? Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides 'Mexican' that you prefer? Something less offensive?
TV Show: The Office
Stanley: Collard.
Michael Scott: What?
Stanley: They're called "collard" greens.
Michael Scott: No, no. That's offensive. They're not called "collard" people.
TV Show: The Office
Kevin: I got myself for Secret Santa. I was supposed to tell somebody, but I didn't. [smiles]
TV Show: The Office
Kevin: I want the footbath.
Kevin: That's the thing I bought myself. I'm really psyched to use it. Maybe I should've taken the iPod. Oh, shoot!
TV Show: The Office
Ryan's Voicemail: Seven new messages. First new message:
Michael Scott: Hi, Ryan. This is Saddam Hussein.
Ryan's Voicemail: Next message:
Michael Scott: Hey, Ryan, this is your girlfriend and I'm mad.
TV Show: The Office