The Office (U.S. TV series) Quotes
Stanley: I have been trying to get on jury duty every single year since I was 18-years old. To get to sit in an air conditioned room, downtown, judging people while my lunch was paid for? That is the life!
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
[After meeting Angela's boyfriend Robert]
Oscar: Robert seems great. He's very handsome, firm handshake, he's gay, good sense of humor.
Oscar: Robert seems great. He's very handsome, firm handshake, he's gay, good sense of humor.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Dwight: In the end, the greatest snowball isn't a snowball at all: it's fear. Merry Christmas.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
[Michael bumps into David Brent coming out of an elevator]
David: Oh, sorry, mate.
Michael: [in a poor British accent] "Oh, sorry, mate. Excuse me, mate."
David: [laughing] What are you doing?
Michael: English.
David: You're picking on the wrong person, I can tell you that much.
Michael: No, no, I'm not picking on you at all! You're English, correct?
David: Yeah, big time, yeah. Who are you?
Michael: I'm working on an English character. It's called Reginald Pooftah.
David: Oh! David Brent, my liege. How are you?
[they shake hands]
Michael: Michael Scott.
David: Oh, righty-o. I do characters as well. I got a Chinese fella. Not politically correct, but he's called Ho Lee [bleep]. That's what it sounds like.
Michael: I do Ping!
David: "Herro! Herro!"
Michael: "Herro, I'm Ping!"
David: You can't do that these days.
Michael: No, no, no, and people don't understand that it has nothing to do with making fun of a different nationality.
David: No, no, comedy is a place where the mind goes to tickle itself. That's what she said! Hahahahaha!!!
[Michael hugs David]
Michael: That's good! A pleasure to meet you!
David: Where are you working?
Michael: Dunder Mifflin.
David: Any jobs going?
Michael: No, not right now.
David: Just let me know.
Michael: Alright. See you around.
David: OK, man.
Michael: Bye-bye. [David walks off] What a nice guy.
David: Oh, sorry, mate.
Michael: [in a poor British accent] "Oh, sorry, mate. Excuse me, mate."
David: [laughing] What are you doing?
Michael: English.
David: You're picking on the wrong person, I can tell you that much.
Michael: No, no, I'm not picking on you at all! You're English, correct?
David: Yeah, big time, yeah. Who are you?
Michael: I'm working on an English character. It's called Reginald Pooftah.
David: Oh! David Brent, my liege. How are you?
[they shake hands]
Michael: Michael Scott.
David: Oh, righty-o. I do characters as well. I got a Chinese fella. Not politically correct, but he's called Ho Lee [bleep]. That's what it sounds like.
Michael: I do Ping!
David: "Herro! Herro!"
Michael: "Herro, I'm Ping!"
David: You can't do that these days.
Michael: No, no, no, and people don't understand that it has nothing to do with making fun of a different nationality.
David: No, no, comedy is a place where the mind goes to tickle itself. That's what she said! Hahahahaha!!!
[Michael hugs David]
Michael: That's good! A pleasure to meet you!
David: Where are you working?
Michael: Dunder Mifflin.
David: Any jobs going?
Michael: No, not right now.
David: Just let me know.
Michael: Alright. See you around.
David: OK, man.
Michael: Bye-bye. [David walks off] What a nice guy.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Creed: Two eyes, two ears, a chin, a mouth, ten fingers, two nipples. A butt, two kneecaps, a penis. I have just described to you the Loch Ness Monster. And the reward for its capture? All the riches in Scotland. So I have one question: Why are you here?
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Erin: Holly is ruining Michael's life. He thinks she is so special and she's so not. Her personality is like a 3. Her sense of humor is a 2. Her ears are like a 7 and a 4. Add it all up and what do you get? 16. And he treats her like she's a perfect 40. It's nuts.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: Holly and I are like Romeo and Juliet, and the office is like the dragon that kept them apart.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Erin: So tell me about your new girlfriend.
Andy: She's neat. I met her at Darryl's cousin's party. We were the only two white people there.
Erin: Aw, cute.
Andy: She's neat. I met her at Darryl's cousin's party. We were the only two white people there.
Erin: Aw, cute.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: [as Michael Scarn] It's going to take a lot more than a bullet to the brain, lungs, heart, back and balls to kill Michael Scarn!
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Jim: [as Goldenface] Oh, someone's coming alright. The only man who would care: Michael Scarn. See, I'm gonna lure him here, then I kill everybody, then I'm gonna dig up Scarn's dead wife and I'm gonna hump her real good.
[cut to Jim in interview]
Jim: I did not love the dialogue. Or the character. I took the role to impress a receptionist who will remain nameless.
[cut to Jim in interview]
Jim: I did not love the dialogue. Or the character. I took the role to impress a receptionist who will remain nameless.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Jim: Well this isn't my best, but call Froggy 101, say that we're the tour manager for Justin Bieber, and we're giving away free tickets. We give him a number to call for the tickets and it's his own number.
Dwight: Who is Justice Beaver?
Jim: ...He's a crime fighting beaver.
Dwight: Who is Justice Beaver?
Jim: ...He's a crime fighting beaver.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Pam: [seeing Michael pouring gasoline all over the parking lot] Michael! Michael!
Michael: Hi.
Pam: Hi. I was just coming out to see what you were doing and to maybe stop you.
Michael: Oh, you know what, you have a siphon? I think I'm gonna run out of gas.
Pam: Why do you need more gas?
Michael: Well, I'm writing a message.
Pam: Is it a good message or a bad message?
Michael: I'm asking Holly a question in fire.
Pam: Are you proposing?!
Michael: Maybe.
Pam: Wow.
Michael: Hey, you know what? I've got gas all over my hands and my shoes. Would you light it? Would you do the honors please?
Pam: Yeah. Yeah, no problem. [grabs the lighter and runs away]
Michael: Pam.
Pam: Yep?
Michael: Could you light this please?
Pam: Michael, you've had two ideas today. And one of them was great. And the other one was terrible.
Michael: I am not in the mood for riddles, Pam.
Pam: This is terrible.
Michael: Hi.
Pam: Hi. I was just coming out to see what you were doing and to maybe stop you.
Michael: Oh, you know what, you have a siphon? I think I'm gonna run out of gas.
Pam: Why do you need more gas?
Michael: Well, I'm writing a message.
Pam: Is it a good message or a bad message?
Michael: I'm asking Holly a question in fire.
Pam: Are you proposing?!
Michael: Maybe.
Pam: Wow.
Michael: Hey, you know what? I've got gas all over my hands and my shoes. Would you light it? Would you do the honors please?
Pam: Yeah. Yeah, no problem. [grabs the lighter and runs away]
Michael: Pam.
Pam: Yep?
Michael: Could you light this please?
Pam: Michael, you've had two ideas today. And one of them was great. And the other one was terrible.
Michael: I am not in the mood for riddles, Pam.
Pam: This is terrible.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: [imitating Yoda] Holly Flax, marrying me will you be?
Holly: [also imitating] Your wife becoming be will I.
[Michael puts the ring on Holly's finger, and they kiss as everyone else pours in to congratulate them]
Michael: So, guys, guys, guys, guys, we're moving to Colorado.
Kevin: All of us?
Michael: Yep.
Jim: Wait, what?
Michael: Holly has to go back to Colorado. I'm going with her. I'm leaving.
Holly: [also imitating] Your wife becoming be will I.
[Michael puts the ring on Holly's finger, and they kiss as everyone else pours in to congratulate them]
Michael: So, guys, guys, guys, guys, we're moving to Colorado.
Kevin: All of us?
Michael: Yep.
Jim: Wait, what?
Michael: Holly has to go back to Colorado. I'm going with her. I'm leaving.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Deangelo: To beginnings and endings.
Michael: And to middles, the unsung heroes. And to moms.
Deangelo: The moms and the troops.
Michael: Do not tell my fiance I'm drinking on a Wednesday.
Deangelo: I won't. I don't know her.
Michael: I'm moving out to the 'burbs. Actually, I'm moving further than the 'burbs, I'm moving to Colorado.
Deangelo: Colorado! The Sunshine State.
Michael: Yep. Don't mess with Colorado.
Deangelo: Doing some skiing?
Michael: No, no. I don't want to end up like Sunny Bobo.
Deangelo: Well, that's just good sense right there. Everyone I know who skis is dead.
Michael: And to middles, the unsung heroes. And to moms.
Deangelo: The moms and the troops.
Michael: Do not tell my fiance I'm drinking on a Wednesday.
Deangelo: I won't. I don't know her.
Michael: I'm moving out to the 'burbs. Actually, I'm moving further than the 'burbs, I'm moving to Colorado.
Deangelo: Colorado! The Sunshine State.
Michael: Yep. Don't mess with Colorado.
Deangelo: Doing some skiing?
Michael: No, no. I don't want to end up like Sunny Bobo.
Deangelo: Well, that's just good sense right there. Everyone I know who skis is dead.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Deangelo: Michael, the last time I was exposed to a peanut I was itchy for three days, OK? I had to take baths constantly. I missed the O.J. verdict. I had to read about it in the paper like an idiot.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Deangelo: Uhhh, you sir! Are we having fun tonight?
Jim: Having a great time.
Deangelo: Oh good!
Jim: Thanks, yeah.
Deangelo: Where were you on September 11th?
Michael: No! God!
Jim: Having a great time.
Deangelo: Oh good!
Jim: Thanks, yeah.
Deangelo: Where were you on September 11th?
Michael: No! God!
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: Sorry we're late, we were waiting in line at the DMV
Deangelo: Fall asleep right after sex...right guys?
Jim: Nope, go back to the script
Deangelo: Fall asleep right after sex...right guys?
Jim: Nope, go back to the script
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
[The entire office staff sings a surprise song to Michael to the tune of "Seasons of Love" from Rent]
Andy: Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! We actually sat down, and did the math.
All: Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's how many minutes, that you've worked here.
Pam: In costumes!
Jim: And impressions!
Toby: In meetings.
Erin and Kelly: And cups of coffee.
Kevin: For birthdays!
Stanley: More meetings and...
Women: ...E-mail forwards you made us read.
All: Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's like watching Die Hard, eighty thousand times!
Meredith: You hit me with your car!
Ryan: You helped me get off drugs!
Creed: I watch you when you sleep.
Oscar: I forgive you for kissing me!
All: Remember to call. Call. Remember to call. Call. Remember to call. Call.
Erin and Kelly: Call, text or e-mail, or call.
Deangelo: [falsetto] Measure your life in love!
All: Remember to call, remember to call. Remember to call.
Andy: Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! We actually sat down, and did the math.
All: Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's how many minutes, that you've worked here.
Pam: In costumes!
Jim: And impressions!
Toby: In meetings.
Erin and Kelly: And cups of coffee.
Kevin: For birthdays!
Stanley: More meetings and...
Women: ...E-mail forwards you made us read.
All: Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's like watching Die Hard, eighty thousand times!
Meredith: You hit me with your car!
Ryan: You helped me get off drugs!
Creed: I watch you when you sleep.
Oscar: I forgive you for kissing me!
All: Remember to call. Call. Remember to call. Call. Remember to call. Call.
Erin and Kelly: Call, text or e-mail, or call.
Deangelo: [falsetto] Measure your life in love!
All: Remember to call, remember to call. Remember to call.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Dwight: [reading Michael's recommendation letter] "To whom it may concern." Good, real personal. Thanks Michael. "The dictionary defines superlative as: of the highest kind, quality, or order, surpassing all else, or others. Supreme." That's great. If I wanted the dictionary definition, I'd buy a dictionary. "I define it as Dwight Schrute. As a sales executive, as a leader, as a man, and as a friend, he is of the highest kind, quality, and order. Supreme." [holding back tears] Lots more like that, really repetitive. What's this? [pulls out a small card from the envelope and reads it] "Two forty five, behind the building. Paintball." Oooh yeah.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Jim: So I've been meaning to tell you, I wanna take you out for lunch. For your last day.
Michael: Oh...
Jim: What do you think? Tomorrow? Lunch, you and me?
Michael: Okay...
Jim: You're not leaving tomorrow. You're leaving today, right?
Michael: Maybe.
Jim: Wow, so that's it, huh? Just four o'clock and you are gone for good.
Michael: Why am I so sad? Am I doing the wrong thing?
Jim: Absolutely not. It's just that sometimes...goodbyes are a bitch.
Michael: [pulls out a tape recorder and speaks into it] T-shirt idea: "Goodbyes Stink." [puts tape recorder away] Okay, alright. So, James Halpert. [starts to cry] You started with this company as a fine young man...
Jim: You know what I think we should do? I think we should just save the goodbyes for tomorrow. At lunch.
Michael: Oh, okay.
Jim: And then tomorrow, I can tell you...[tears up]...what a great boss you turned out to be. The best boss I ever had.
Michael: Oh...
Jim: What do you think? Tomorrow? Lunch, you and me?
Michael: Okay...
Jim: You're not leaving tomorrow. You're leaving today, right?
Michael: Maybe.
Jim: Wow, so that's it, huh? Just four o'clock and you are gone for good.
Michael: Why am I so sad? Am I doing the wrong thing?
Jim: Absolutely not. It's just that sometimes...goodbyes are a bitch.
Michael: [pulls out a tape recorder and speaks into it] T-shirt idea: "Goodbyes Stink." [puts tape recorder away] Okay, alright. So, James Halpert. [starts to cry] You started with this company as a fine young man...
Jim: You know what I think we should do? I think we should just save the goodbyes for tomorrow. At lunch.
Michael: Oh, okay.
Jim: And then tomorrow, I can tell you...[tears up]...what a great boss you turned out to be. The best boss I ever had.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: [voice-over as he leaves the office in a cab, arrives at the airport, and goes through security] Well, got almost everybody, so...Holly's my family now. She's my family, and the babies that I make with her will be my children. The people that you work with are just, when you get down to it, your very best friends. They say on your deathbed, you never wish you spent more time at the office, but I will. Got to be a lot better than a deathbed. I actually don't understand deathbeds. I mean, who would buy that?[Cut to Michael at last checkpoint putting his shoes back on] Well, I guess this is it. Hey, will you guys let me know if this ever airs? Thank you. All right...oh. [Removes the wireless mic from his jacket] This is gonna feel so good getting this thing off my chest. [Hands device over. No audio] That's what she said. Bye.
[He walks a few steps until Pam, shoes in hand, catches up to him. The dialogue is not heard as they share a couple of hugs and a kiss on the cheek, and he walks down the airport as Pam looks on.]
Pam: No, he wasn't sad. He was full of hope...about Colorado, and he was hoping to get an upgrade as an awards member. And he said he was just real excited to get home and see Holly.
[He walks a few steps until Pam, shoes in hand, catches up to him. The dialogue is not heard as they share a couple of hugs and a kiss on the cheek, and he walks down the airport as Pam looks on.]
Pam: No, he wasn't sad. He was full of hope...about Colorado, and he was hoping to get an upgrade as an awards member. And he said he was just real excited to get home and see Holly.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Andy: Oh, there's an inner circle. Oh yeah.
Jim: There is no inner circle. Deangelo just prefers to delegate a few things to a few guys.
Kevin: Jim only says that because he's in the inner circle. I also say that because I am also in the inner circle. Did you get that, Ma? Your boy, Kevin Malone, is IN the inner circle! Which doesn't exist.
Jim: There is no inner circle. Deangelo just prefers to delegate a few things to a few guys.
Kevin: Jim only says that because he's in the inner circle. I also say that because I am also in the inner circle. Did you get that, Ma? Your boy, Kevin Malone, is IN the inner circle! Which doesn't exist.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Jim: So this is my life. Until I win the lottery. Or Pam finally writes that series of young adult books.
Pam: So one afternoon, while walking home from school, quirky 10th grader Becky Walters finds a wounded Pegasus in the woods. And she becomes...The Horse Flyer.
Pam: So one afternoon, while walking home from school, quirky 10th grader Becky Walters finds a wounded Pegasus in the woods. And she becomes...The Horse Flyer.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Jim: Dwight has been acting manager for three months now. No, a week. Just feels like three months. Let's see, we all have to punch in to a time clock, which is very old, very strong, and has a slot about the size of a finger. We were all given new business cards big enough to set us apart from the competition, which is how I learned that our titles are all now "Junior Employee". Our lunch breaks are staggered to prevent wasting time. Mine's at 10: 30, and I find that the first hour of the day goes by a lot quicker than the second seven hours.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Jo: Dwight! Walk me out. Let's talk soon. And stay on top of these people. You gotta admit it - it's nice to have a little power, eh? How's it feel?
Dwight: Jo, I accidentally fired a gun in the office today.
Jo: What?!
Dwight: I am telling you this because I care too much about this job to be blackmailed into doing it poorly. All I've ever wanted was to be manager here. And if you feel that you cannot promote me over this one accident, I understand. But if you think that extortion is worse...
Jo: Shooting is worse! Are you kidding me? It's not even in the same...you shot a gun? What is wrong with you?
Dwight: It was a Beaumont-Adams, if that helps.
Jo: Beaumont-Adams is a girl's gun. That just makes it plain stupid.
Dwight: I take full responsibility.
Jo: Who else would be responsible?
Dwight: Pam made me put a banana in my holster.
Pam: You shot a gun off.
Dwight: OK, did I make a mistake? Yes. Do I regret the decision that I made? Yes.
Jo: Oh, stop asking yourself easy questions so you can look like a genius.
Dwight: Got it.
Dwight: Jo, I accidentally fired a gun in the office today.
Jo: What?!
Dwight: I am telling you this because I care too much about this job to be blackmailed into doing it poorly. All I've ever wanted was to be manager here. And if you feel that you cannot promote me over this one accident, I understand. But if you think that extortion is worse...
Jo: Shooting is worse! Are you kidding me? It's not even in the same...you shot a gun? What is wrong with you?
Dwight: It was a Beaumont-Adams, if that helps.
Jo: Beaumont-Adams is a girl's gun. That just makes it plain stupid.
Dwight: I take full responsibility.
Jo: Who else would be responsible?
Dwight: Pam made me put a banana in my holster.
Pam: You shot a gun off.
Dwight: OK, did I make a mistake? Yes. Do I regret the decision that I made? Yes.
Jo: Oh, stop asking yourself easy questions so you can look like a genius.
Dwight: Got it.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)