The Office (U.S. TV series) Quotes
Jim: My roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm making Dwight up. [sighs] He is very real.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Phyllis: Everyone, this is my boyfriend Bob.
Kevin: Kevin Malone.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Stanley: Stanley Hudson.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan: Ryan Howard.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
[pause]
Ryan: What line of work you in, Bob?
Kevin: Kevin Malone.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Stanley: Stanley Hudson.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan: Ryan Howard.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
[pause]
Ryan: What line of work you in, Bob?
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: You know what Brenda, could we have a moment alone?
Brenda: Jan said if you asked me that I was supposed to say no.
Brenda: Jan said if you asked me that I was supposed to say no.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Jim: You know what? I would save the receptionist. Just wanted to clear that up.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon—sue me—and since I don't have a butler, I have to do it myself. So most nights before I go to bed I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious. It's good for me. It's the perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped onto the grill and it clamped down on my foot. That's it. I don't see what's so hard to believe about that.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: [calling from the conference room] Pam, come in here please.
Pam: Tell me before I come there.
Michael: [Apprehensively] I want you rub butter on my foot.
Pam: No.
Michael: Please? I have Country Crock.
Pam: Tell me before I come there.
Michael: [Apprehensively] I want you rub butter on my foot.
Pam: No.
Michael: Please? I have Country Crock.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Ryan: If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds, and nobody would ever know that I'd ever been here. And I'd forget, too.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Pam: What did you guys talk about?
Jim: Oh, just you know—politics, literature... [holds up Hooter's T-shirt]
Pam: I hate you.
Jim: Oh, just you know—politics, literature... [holds up Hooter's T-shirt]
Pam: I hate you.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: I swore to myself that if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh when they saw me coming and would applaud as I walked away.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: Last week I would've given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would've reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them, but now, no. I don't have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask so they can hear me say, "Uhh... no, I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney."
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Dwight: It's a terrible idea.
Jim: What is?
Dwight: Them in there all together. They stay in there too long, they're gonna get on the same cycle. Wreak havoc on our plumbing.
Jim: What is?
Dwight: Them in there all together. They stay in there too long, they're gonna get on the same cycle. Wreak havoc on our plumbing.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
[Dwight and company are descending into the warehouse for a "men's day"]
Dwight: Remember on Lost when they met "the Others"?
Dwight: Remember on Lost when they met "the Others"?
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Dwight: Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. Snare it. Then to keep it happy, you have to tame it. Feed it, care for it. Lovingly. The way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Jan: Nervous? No, I'm not nervous. Well, I mean, I guess I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a little nervous. Um, the new CFO is judging me on this too. And, well, it is Michael. So... yeah, I’m very nervous.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Dwight: [giving a speech at a paper selling conference]BLOOD ALONE MOVES THE WHEELS OF HISTORY!
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Dwight: When I was in the 6th grade, I was a finalist in our school spelling bee. It was me against Raj Patel. And I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word "failure".
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: Yes. It is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and... I have a great one. "lilkidlover". That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: This is Creed, and he is in charge of... something... right?
Creed: That is correct.
Creed: That is correct.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Dwight: [After he didn't tip the sub man] Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Toby: Didn't you lose a lot of money on that other investment, the one from that e-mail?
Michael: You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed King of Nigeria e-mails you directly asking for help, you help. His father ran the freaking country, okay?
Michael: You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed King of Nigeria e-mails you directly asking for help, you help. His father ran the freaking country, okay?
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Angela: Do you want to give Michael your urine?
Dwight: [deeply sincere] I want him to have all the urine he needs.
Dwight: [deeply sincere] I want him to have all the urine he needs.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Jim: Last week, Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. And as it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is scarier than most people using drugs.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Dwight: Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffle bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Jim : Dwight tried to kiss me.
Michael : What?
Jim : And I didn't tell anyone, 'cause I'm not really sure how I feel about it.
Dwight : That is not true. Redact it. Redact it!
Jim : Well, I'm not actually making a formal complaint. I just really think we should talk about it.
Michael : What?
Jim : And I didn't tell anyone, 'cause I'm not really sure how I feel about it.
Dwight : That is not true. Redact it. Redact it!
Jim : Well, I'm not actually making a formal complaint. I just really think we should talk about it.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Darryl: I taught Mike some, uh, some phrases to help with his interracial conversation. You know, stuff like, "fleece it out," "going mach 5," "dinkin' flicka." You know, things us Negroes say.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Jim: Oh, I think you mean the Aid to Afghanistan.
Michael: No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael: What?
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael: That's a dog.
Pam: No, that's afghan.
Michael: That's a shawl.
Dwight: Wait, canine AIDS?
Michael: No, humans with AIDS.
Creed: Who has AIDS?
Jim: Guys, the Afghanistananis.
Jim: Oh, I think you mean the Aid to Afghanistan.
Michael: No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael: What?
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael: That's a dog.
Pam: No, that's afghan.
Michael: That's a shawl.
Dwight: Wait, canine AIDS?
Michael: No, humans with AIDS.
Creed: Who has AIDS?
Jim: Guys, the Afghanistananis.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
[In reference to Michael's plan to invite the boy scout troop that the proceeds will be donated to]
Toby: Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children since it's, uh, you know, there's gambling and alcohol. And it's in our dangerous warehouse. And it's a school night. And, you know, Hooters is catering, you know. Is that...is that enough? Should I keep going?
Michael: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not that way. I hate...so much...about the things that you choose to be.
Toby: Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children since it's, uh, you know, there's gambling and alcohol. And it's in our dangerous warehouse. And it's a school night. And, you know, Hooters is catering, you know. Is that...is that enough? Should I keep going?
Michael: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not that way. I hate...so much...about the things that you choose to be.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Jim: I was just, um... I'm in love with you.
Pam: What?
Jim: I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear, but I needed you to hear it. Probably not good timing, I know that, I just—
Pam: What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?
Jim: I just needed you to know. Once.
Pam: Well, I, um—I can't...
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: You have no idea—
Jim: Don't do that.
Pam: —what your friendship means to me.
Jim: Come on. I don't want to do that. I want to be more than that.
Pam: What?
Jim: I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear, but I needed you to hear it. Probably not good timing, I know that, I just—
Pam: What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?
Jim: I just needed you to know. Once.
Pam: Well, I, um—I can't...
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: You have no idea—
Jim: Don't do that.
Pam: —what your friendship means to me.
Jim: Come on. I don't want to do that. I want to be more than that.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Ryan: Yeah, I'm not a temp anymore. I got Jim's old job. Which means at my ten year high school reunion, it will not say "Ryan Howard is a temp". It will say "Ryan Howard is a junior sales associate at a midrange paper supply firm". [pause] That'll show 'em.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)