The Office (U.S. TV series) Quotes
Michael: Maybe the Michael Scott Paper Company was a huge mistake. I should leave. I should go and start my own paper company. That'll show 'em.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Andy: I know a few things about love. Horrible, terrible, awful, awful things.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Dwight: You think this is some kind of game? No. This is a war. I will not stop, I will not rest. You have no idea what kind of enemy you've created. You have unleashed the wolf!
Michael: Be that as it may, I have your meatball parm sandwich here, and I am going to eat it.
Dwight: And I knew that you would do that. Their meatball parm is their worst sandwich!
Michael: [tasting the sandwich] Ah, bastard!
Michael: Be that as it may, I have your meatball parm sandwich here, and I am going to eat it.
Dwight: And I knew that you would do that. Their meatball parm is their worst sandwich!
Michael: [tasting the sandwich] Ah, bastard!
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Pam: When a child gets behind the wheel of a car and runs into a tree, you don't blame the child; he didn't know any better. You blame the 30-year-old woman who got in the passenger seat and said, "Drive, kid; I trust you."
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: I have no shortage of company names.
David Wallace: Michael...
Michael: That's one of them.
David Wallace: Michael...
Michael: That's one of them.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Creed: So hey, I wanna set you up with my daughter.
Jim: Oh, I'm engaged to Pam.
Creed: I thought you were gay.
Jim: Then why would you want to set me up with your daughter?
Creed: I don't know.
Jim: Oh, I'm engaged to Pam.
Creed: I thought you were gay.
Jim: Then why would you want to set me up with your daughter?
Creed: I don't know.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Dwight: When held over heat, the invisible ink will reveal that everyone should meet at the warehouse immediately. Do not ask me where I got the invisible ink. [pause] Urine. It was urine.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Jim: So this morning, we are having breakfast together...and I just looked up from my cereal and I said, "You know what I wanna do today? I wanna marry you."
Pam: I had just woken up. I didn't look cute. That's how I knew he meant it.
Pam: I had just woken up. I didn't look cute. That's how I knew he meant it.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Dwight: This remedy has been passed down in my family for generations and it always works. My grandfather was told that Diamond Dancer would never race again. They were wrong. He came in ninth in the Apple Creek Derby. And his jerky came in third the following year. A majestic beast. So fast...so tender.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: I lied to Kevin. Holly and I can never be just friends. I wrote down a list of bullet points why Holly and I should be together and I'm going to find the perfect moment today and I'm gonna tell her. [quickly looks at crinkled note and looks back up] Number one: "Holly, you and I are soup snakes." The...and the reason is...because, in terms of the soup we like to eat. That doesn't make any sense. [checks note again] We're soulmates! Holly and I are soulmates.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: I didn't find the perfect moment because I think today is about just having today. And I think we're one of those couples who'll have a long story when people ask how we found each other. I will see her every now and then, and maybe one year she'll be with somebody and the next year I'll be with somebody and it's gonna take a long time... And then it's perfect. I'm in no rush.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Jim: This is "parkour", the internet sensation of 2004. It was in one of the Bond films. It's pretty impressive. The point is to get from point A to point B as creatively as possible, so technically they are doing parkour as long as point A is delusion and point B is the hospital.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Andy: This is not the first time rumors about me being gay have come up. Twice before actually. Just a weird coincidence. A little too weird. Almost makes you wonder if it's not a coincidence at all! Whoa! Which it is, of course. But it makes you wonder.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: How long have you known about the pregnancy? A week? A month? A year?
Jim: Michael, we only told our parents last week.
Michael: Did you pee on a stick?
Jim: I did. It was inconclusive.
Michael: You should've told me.
Pam: You're right. We should have realized that you are an equal part in this.
Jim: Michael, we only told our parents last week.
Michael: Did you pee on a stick?
Jim: I did. It was inconclusive.
Michael: You should've told me.
Pam: You're right. We should have realized that you are an equal part in this.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: I'm going in for a procedure today.
Oscar: Is everything ok?
Michael: Yeah. It's routine. I'm just a little bit scared.
Oscar: I'm sure everything will be fine. What's the procedure if you don't mind my asking?
Michael: It is a colonoscopy.
Oscar: Ok.
Michael: In your experience, what should I be expecting, in terms of sensation. Or, emotions. [pause] Is there anything I can do to make it more pleasurable for me or for Dr. Shandri. My main concern is should I have a safe word?
Oscar: Yeah. [leaves]
Oscar: Is everything ok?
Michael: Yeah. It's routine. I'm just a little bit scared.
Oscar: I'm sure everything will be fine. What's the procedure if you don't mind my asking?
Michael: It is a colonoscopy.
Oscar: Ok.
Michael: In your experience, what should I be expecting, in terms of sensation. Or, emotions. [pause] Is there anything I can do to make it more pleasurable for me or for Dr. Shandri. My main concern is should I have a safe word?
Oscar: Yeah. [leaves]
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
David Wallace: A cheese platter?
Andy: Oui, oui, monsieur. From the Wisconsin region: a nice, firm cheddar. Also from the great state of Wisconsin, an aged parmesan. Here you will find here a cheddar-style spread, which has reacted nicely with the air to form a light rind, which I believe you will find both challenging and delicious. At that point, I would recommend you take a quick trip south of the border to the great state of Illinois where you will find this fine blue cheese dressing. If I may be so bold, it's a lot of fun to let the Goldfish take a little swim in the blue cheese. Bon appétit.
Andy: Oui, oui, monsieur. From the Wisconsin region: a nice, firm cheddar. Also from the great state of Wisconsin, an aged parmesan. Here you will find here a cheddar-style spread, which has reacted nicely with the air to form a light rind, which I believe you will find both challenging and delicious. At that point, I would recommend you take a quick trip south of the border to the great state of Illinois where you will find this fine blue cheese dressing. If I may be so bold, it's a lot of fun to let the Goldfish take a little swim in the blue cheese. Bon appétit.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Oscar: Look, it doesn't take a genius to know that every organization thrives when it has two leaders. Go ahead, name a country that doesn't have two presidents. A boat that sets sail without two captains. Where would Catholicism be without the popes?
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: You know, what eats a large amount of the day are naps. You go to sleep it's light out, you wake up it's dark. That's the whole day. Where did that day go? I have no idea.
Jim: You mean on a weekend.
Michael: ...Yes.
Jim: You mean on a weekend.
Michael: ...Yes.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Dwight: Pam is constantly throwing up because of the pregnancy. If she eats something the fetus doesn't like, she is screwed. It's amazing: a three ounce fetus is calling the shots. It's so bad ass.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Jim: I just wanna say how happy we are, that all of you are here tonight. And I want to especially thank those of you who have traveled from far away to be here with us tonight. Especially the Florida cousins, who obviously can't take a hint. Four years ago, I was just a guy who had a crush on a girl, who had a boyfriend. And I had to do the hardest thing that I've ever had to do, which was just to wait. Don't get me wrong, I flirted with her. Pam, I can now admit in front of friends and family, that I do know how to make a photocopy. Didn't need your help that many times. And, uh, do you remember how long it took you to teach me how to drive stick?
Pam: Like a year!
Jim: I've been driving stick since high school, so... For a really long time that's all I had. Little moments with a girl who saw me as a friend. And a lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl I work with, but I think even then I knew that...I was waiting for my wife.
Pam: Like a year!
Jim: I've been driving stick since high school, so... For a really long time that's all I had. Little moments with a girl who saw me as a friend. And a lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl I work with, but I think even then I knew that...I was waiting for my wife.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Manager: Mr. Malone, your shoes are gone.
Kevin: They were stolen?
Manager: No, destroyed. When the bag was opened by our shoe shine, the smell overcame him. I too smelled them and made the choice that they must be thrown away. Incinerated actually.
Kevin: But that was my only pair of shoes.
Manager: It became a safety issue, sir.
Kevin: They were stolen?
Manager: No, destroyed. When the bag was opened by our shoe shine, the smell overcame him. I too smelled them and made the choice that they must be thrown away. Incinerated actually.
Kevin: But that was my only pair of shoes.
Manager: It became a safety issue, sir.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: They asked for cash but, you know, I give them cash every week. So, how much cash does a person need? I have taken it on myself to do something a little more special. I have painted a portrait of the two of them from memory. And I have another one of them in the nude. But that one is for me.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Jim: I bought those boat tickets the day I saw that YouTube video. I knew we'd need a backup plan. The boat was actually Plan C, the church was Plan B, and Plan A was marrying her a long, long time ago. Pretty much the day I met her.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Oscar: Pam and Jim are on their honeymoon, so there's not the usual balance between sane and others. Toby has mentally checked out since June. It's a very dangerous time. The "coalition for reason" is extremely weak.
Toby: [In interview] Oscar said I checked out? [shrugs] Well...
Toby: [In interview] Oscar said I checked out? [shrugs] Well...
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Dwight: "R" is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it murder and not mukduk.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Jim: Oh, so Dwight gave me this wooden mallard as a gift. I found a recording device in it. Yes. So, I think if I play it just right, I can get Dwight to live out the plot of National Treasure.
Pam: You need to be more upset about this. She's your mother too now. Your mother is sleeping with Michael Scott.
Pam: You need to be more upset about this. She's your mother too now. Your mother is sleeping with Michael Scott.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: I don't need to be friends with Pam. I have plenty of female friends. My mom. Pam's mom. My aunt, although she just blocked me on IM. What's-her-face from Quizno's? I see her four times a week.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Dwight: Jim is my enemy, but it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So Jim is actually my friend. But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy. So actually, Jim is my enemy. But—
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: I'm not usually the butt of the joke. I'm usually the face of the joke. I wish Jim had fallen into that pond and he'd have to put on my suit and it'd be too short and he'd look... Dammit, he'd still look good.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Dwight: Can't a guy just buy some bagels for his friends so they'll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore? Geez. When did everyone get so cynical?
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)