The Raccoons Quotes
Bert: Thanks Cyril! We owe you one!
Cyril: (wails) Ten million dollars!
Bert: We don't own him that much!
Cyril: (wails) Ten million dollars!
Bert: We don't own him that much!
TV Show: The Raccoons
Bert: Here you are Bentley, this should keep you going for a while. Hey, I even brought some books I thought you might like.
Bentley: Thanks alot Bert, your a real... (Looks at one of the book covers) COLLEGE MATHAMATICS?!! You taked to my parents dident you? and they told you dident they? And You Promissed!
Bert: I don't know what your talking about Bentley!
Bentley: Sure! They how do you know about the mathamatics? You're just trying to make me feel guilty!
Bert: About what?! Hey...did you fail math or something?
Bentley: As if you didn't know! Breaking into the school system was easy with my computer. so what if I gave myself a better mark? I wanted to be first! so I cheated, big deal! So now you know why I ran away. I'm a...a criminal...and I don't care!
Bentley: Thanks alot Bert, your a real... (Looks at one of the book covers) COLLEGE MATHAMATICS?!! You taked to my parents dident you? and they told you dident they? And You Promissed!
Bert: I don't know what your talking about Bentley!
Bentley: Sure! They how do you know about the mathamatics? You're just trying to make me feel guilty!
Bert: About what?! Hey...did you fail math or something?
Bentley: As if you didn't know! Breaking into the school system was easy with my computer. so what if I gave myself a better mark? I wanted to be first! so I cheated, big deal! So now you know why I ran away. I'm a...a criminal...and I don't care!
TV Show: The Raccoons
Cedric: We could use some help with these dishes, Bentley!
Bentley: Oh lay off! I don't have to do anything I don't want to!
Bert: OK, I've had enough of this! Big tough guy huh?
Cedric: Shhh, He'l hear you!
Bert: Dosent need anybody! Makes a mistake and then can't face up to it! Runs away!
Cedric: Em, Bert, Remember, Understanding...
Bert: THIS HAS GOT TO BE SAID! So you want a life on the road eh Bentley? No home? No Family? No friends? You wanna be a...a fugitive, right?
Bentley: That's right, a fugitive!
Bert: Never knowing if the next person you see is gonna put the finger on you and say, "There! That's the kid who cheated on his math mark!" HUH! Some life! Is that what you want?
Bentley: Maybe...and maybe not...what else is there?
Bert: Well....for starters come and help us with the dishes, we'l figure out the rest later ok?
Bentley: Okay Bert.
Bentley: Oh lay off! I don't have to do anything I don't want to!
Bert: OK, I've had enough of this! Big tough guy huh?
Cedric: Shhh, He'l hear you!
Bert: Dosent need anybody! Makes a mistake and then can't face up to it! Runs away!
Cedric: Em, Bert, Remember, Understanding...
Bert: THIS HAS GOT TO BE SAID! So you want a life on the road eh Bentley? No home? No Family? No friends? You wanna be a...a fugitive, right?
Bentley: That's right, a fugitive!
Bert: Never knowing if the next person you see is gonna put the finger on you and say, "There! That's the kid who cheated on his math mark!" HUH! Some life! Is that what you want?
Bentley: Maybe...and maybe not...what else is there?
Bert: Well....for starters come and help us with the dishes, we'l figure out the rest later ok?
Bentley: Okay Bert.
TV Show: The Raccoons
Cyril: Great! Held prisoner in my own home, by a computer no less! "It'll do everything" you said! "It never makes mistakes" you said!
Pig One: Eh, Heh, Heh...Just a few bugs in the system, Sir.
Cyril: And you bug brains programmed the system! I'll reprogram you when we get out of here!
Pig One: Eh, Heh, Heh...Just a few bugs in the system, Sir.
Cyril: And you bug brains programmed the system! I'll reprogram you when we get out of here!
TV Show: The Raccoons
Bert: (After avoiding the lasers) YOW! Phew, made it...but my sweater will never be the same.
TV Show: The Raccoons
Pig One: What did we ever do before we got this computer?
Pig Three: Huh! Too much!
Pig Three: Huh! Too much!
TV Show: The Raccoons
Cyril: (to Bentley) The point is, the only thing you're running away from is yourself. And that doesn't work, because no matter where you go, there you are. I want to tell you a story about a kid I knew. He ran away once. He thought he could make it on his own without friends. Without parents. Without a home. You know what...
Bentley: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've heard it all before! He ended up poor and homeless, right?
Cyril: Wrong! He's a millionaire. But there were a lot of lost and lonely years before he made it. And nice as money is, it can't buy back those years. Am I getting through?
Bentley: I... I guess so.
Cyril: You might think you're tough and brave running away, but believe me, it takes more courage to face up to your mistakes. Turn back while there's still time. Don't be like the kid in the story Bentley.
Bentley: Was that kid you Mr Sneer?
Bentley: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've heard it all before! He ended up poor and homeless, right?
Cyril: Wrong! He's a millionaire. But there were a lot of lost and lonely years before he made it. And nice as money is, it can't buy back those years. Am I getting through?
Bentley: I... I guess so.
Cyril: You might think you're tough and brave running away, but believe me, it takes more courage to face up to your mistakes. Turn back while there's still time. Don't be like the kid in the story Bentley.
Bentley: Was that kid you Mr Sneer?
TV Show: The Raccoons
Ralph: What do you think of the Standard's new slogan? "The Standard meets the standard"!
Bert: Well, I've heard better.
Ralph: I'll work on it.
Bert: Well, I've heard better.
Ralph: I'll work on it.
TV Show: The Raccoons
Pig One: (About Cyril's bears striking) But sir, the bears provide all the cheap menial labour around the place.
Cyril: No problem. You menials are cheaper. You can pick up the slack.
Pig One: That's what we were afraid of.
Cyril: No problem. You menials are cheaper. You can pick up the slack.
Pig One: That's what we were afraid of.
TV Show: The Raccoons
Melissa: Ralph, you're forgetting that the Standard was nominated for what it is. Not what you'd like it to be.
TV Show: The Raccoons
Melissa: Ralph Raccoon, what has gotten in to you? You can't treat your friends that way just because you want to win a newspaper award!
Ralph: Melissa, I'm a professional. I've been nominated editor of the year, and if I can't depend on my staff to turn the Standard into the best paper ever printed, then...
Melissa: If you keep this up, you won't have any staff!
Ralph: Have you got those photos yet, Melissa or do I have to do that to?
Melissa: They're in the camera, Ralph. I know you want the photos done properly, so you can develop them yourself!
Ralph: Oooh! Melissa, wait! Waah.. oof (Ralph trips on an ink puddle) All right then, I WILL do it myself and it'll be the best issue of the standard ever!
Ralph: Melissa, I'm a professional. I've been nominated editor of the year, and if I can't depend on my staff to turn the Standard into the best paper ever printed, then...
Melissa: If you keep this up, you won't have any staff!
Ralph: Have you got those photos yet, Melissa or do I have to do that to?
Melissa: They're in the camera, Ralph. I know you want the photos done properly, so you can develop them yourself!
Ralph: Oooh! Melissa, wait! Waah.. oof (Ralph trips on an ink puddle) All right then, I WILL do it myself and it'll be the best issue of the standard ever!
TV Show: The Raccoons
Ralph: Oh no! The paper! I must have slept right through!
Bert: Don't worry Ralphie boy, it's all under control. Care for a copy of the early edition?
Ralph: You mean you worked all night after I was such a...
Bert: Pain?
Melissa: Tyrant?
Schaeffer: Ogre?
Ralph: Yeah... I guess I was. I'm sorry gang. I wanted to win so badly I guess I let things get carried away.
Bert: Don't worry Ralphie boy, it's all under control. Care for a copy of the early edition?
Ralph: You mean you worked all night after I was such a...
Bert: Pain?
Melissa: Tyrant?
Schaeffer: Ogre?
Ralph: Yeah... I guess I was. I'm sorry gang. I wanted to win so badly I guess I let things get carried away.
TV Show: The Raccoons
Pig One: But sir, they did drive a hard bargain!
Cyril: And I'll drive you to the sausage factory!
Cyril: And I'll drive you to the sausage factory!
TV Show: The Raccoons
Cyril: My brother? Huh! This guy is about as genuine as a hen's tooth! I know what he's after - my money! I may have a poor memory, but I'd never forget my own brother, and he's not my brother!
TV Show: The Raccoons
Pig One: We've hit paydirt fellas! Simon's old trunk!
Pig Two: Now we'll expose that impostor for what he really is!
Pig Three: Yeah, an impostor! And the Boss will give us that raise!
Pig Two: Now we'll expose that impostor for what he really is!
Pig Three: Yeah, an impostor! And the Boss will give us that raise!
TV Show: The Raccoons
Bert: (disguised as a detective) Well, just the bunch of guys I'm looking for. The name's Warm. Luke Warm.
Pig One: Oh yeah? Well whatever you're selling, we're not buying!
Bert: I'm looking for the dirt on your new house guest. Get the picture?
Pig One: No and we don't have time!
Bert: Look, you stooges better start yappin', 'cos I've got some info that could land you in H2O at 212! Get it?
Pig Three: We don't know what you're talking about. Have you ever considered english as a first language?
Pig One: Oh yeah? Well whatever you're selling, we're not buying!
Bert: I'm looking for the dirt on your new house guest. Get the picture?
Pig One: No and we don't have time!
Bert: Look, you stooges better start yappin', 'cos I've got some info that could land you in H2O at 212! Get it?
Pig Three: We don't know what you're talking about. Have you ever considered english as a first language?
TV Show: The Raccoons
Cyril: I've been expecting this kind of unhanded chicanery! In fact, I've had a little quiz prepared just for the occasion. It should prove exactly who you are not!
Pigs: (in unison) All set sir!
Cyril: Fasten your seatbelt 'Simon', you're in for a bumpy ride! Only my real brother can answer any of these questions! Fire away!
Pig One: Um, um, what size boots did you used to wear?
Simon: Simple. Eight!
Pig Two: Uh, he's right sir!
Cyril: He is? Well that's a stupid question! Anyone could have guessed that right. Ask him another one!
Pig Two: Er, okay... what colour were your old boots?
Pig Three: No peeking!
Simon: Green.
Pig One: Right again sir.
Cyril: What? A lucky guess. Give him a tough one this time.
Pig One: Um, okay, um... did these boots have any buckles?
Cyril: Is that all you're going to ask him? Questions about boots?! Who cares! Didn't you find anything else in that trunk? ANYTHING AT ALL?
Pig One: All we got were his boots.
Cyril: And here's three more! (He proceeds to kick the pigs away)
Pigs: (in unison) All set sir!
Cyril: Fasten your seatbelt 'Simon', you're in for a bumpy ride! Only my real brother can answer any of these questions! Fire away!
Pig One: Um, um, what size boots did you used to wear?
Simon: Simple. Eight!
Pig Two: Uh, he's right sir!
Cyril: He is? Well that's a stupid question! Anyone could have guessed that right. Ask him another one!
Pig Two: Er, okay... what colour were your old boots?
Pig Three: No peeking!
Simon: Green.
Pig One: Right again sir.
Cyril: What? A lucky guess. Give him a tough one this time.
Pig One: Um, okay, um... did these boots have any buckles?
Cyril: Is that all you're going to ask him? Questions about boots?! Who cares! Didn't you find anything else in that trunk? ANYTHING AT ALL?
Pig One: All we got were his boots.
Cyril: And here's three more! (He proceeds to kick the pigs away)
TV Show: The Raccoons
'Cyril: (in his vault) How can this be happening? I worked hard for all of this. It's mine! And in just a few hours I'll be giving it away like glasses in a gas station!
TV Show: The Raccoons
Cyril: Cedric, I know I haven't been paying much attention to you lately.
Cedric: That's alright Pop. I know how much you hate to pay for anything!
Cedric: That's alright Pop. I know how much you hate to pay for anything!
TV Show: The Raccoons
Bert: (about Sid Leech, who was exposed after posing as Simon Sneer) An old childhood friend of Simon's! In fact, he and Simon went to school together!
Ralph: Oh, high school?
Bert: Elementary, my dear Ralph. Elementary! (laughs)
Ralph: Oh, high school?
Bert: Elementary, my dear Ralph. Elementary! (laughs)
TV Show: The Raccoons
Dirk Dassie: We're going to surpise you with voices from your past. You must identify these voices. Listen to their stories about your life, and answer their questions. You ready Cyril?
Cyril: I'm ready alright! Ready to leave! This is the dumbest idea for a gameshow I've ever heard of!
Dirk Dassie: And each correct answer earns you $10,000!
Cyril: Hah! (He rushes back) What are you waiting for?
Cyril: I'm ready alright! Ready to leave! This is the dumbest idea for a gameshow I've ever heard of!
Dirk Dassie: And each correct answer earns you $10,000!
Cyril: Hah! (He rushes back) What are you waiting for?
TV Show: The Raccoons
Pig One: And now our question for you boss is...
Pig Two: When are we going to get a raise?
Cyril: Never!
Dirk Dassie: From all available reports, you're absolubtely right Cyril!
Pig Two: When are we going to get a raise?
Cyril: Never!
Dirk Dassie: From all available reports, you're absolubtely right Cyril!
TV Show: The Raccoons
Taxman: Mr Sneer, it's my great pleasure to present you this official communication from the tax department.
Cyril: No! No, I don't want it! I don't deserve it!
Taxman: You don't want it?
Cyril: Of course I don't want it! Can you think of anyone that would want it?
Taxman: Certainly I can! Might I suggest the Evergreen Orphans' fund?
Cyril: Fine, give it to them. (pauses) The Evergreen Orphans' fund?
Dirk Dassie: You saw it here ladies and gentlemen, Cyril Sneer is turning over his $50,000 tax refund to the Evergreen Orphans' fund!
Cyril: (Turns white) Did you say... refund? (keels over)
Cyril: No! No, I don't want it! I don't deserve it!
Taxman: You don't want it?
Cyril: Of course I don't want it! Can you think of anyone that would want it?
Taxman: Certainly I can! Might I suggest the Evergreen Orphans' fund?
Cyril: Fine, give it to them. (pauses) The Evergreen Orphans' fund?
Dirk Dassie: You saw it here ladies and gentlemen, Cyril Sneer is turning over his $50,000 tax refund to the Evergreen Orphans' fund!
Cyril: (Turns white) Did you say... refund? (keels over)
TV Show: The Raccoons
Bert: Your pop has really changed Cedric! I can remember when this sort of thing would have driven him nuts!
Cyril: (Off camera) It was just a game. That's all. Just a game. AAARGH!
Cyril: (Off camera) It was just a game. That's all. Just a game. AAARGH!
TV Show: The Raccoons
Pig Two: It's a benefit show!
Woodchuck Berry: Yeah? Well, I've never turned down a benefit.
Pig One: Great! Follow us!
Woodchuck Berry: Er, who's the benefit for?
Pig Two: Us!
Woodchuck Berry: Yeah? Well, I've never turned down a benefit.
Pig One: Great! Follow us!
Woodchuck Berry: Er, who's the benefit for?
Pig Two: Us!
TV Show: The Raccoons
Pig Two: ER! Us, yes. U-S. Unemployed stone farmers! Us!
Woodchuck Berry: Unemployed stone farmers? That's a good one on me.
Woodchuck Berry: Unemployed stone farmers? That's a good one on me.
TV Show: The Raccoons
Pig Two: But we were going to surprise you boss!
Cyril: Surprise me? Then do something right! That'd surprise me.
Cyril: Surprise me? Then do something right! That'd surprise me.
TV Show: The Raccoons
Woodchuck Berry: By the way Cyril, how come you just happened to have a sax in your trunk?
Cyril: Oh that? Oh, it's my spare! Always keep a spare in the trunk!
Cyril: Oh that? Oh, it's my spare! Always keep a spare in the trunk!
TV Show: The Raccoons