The Simpsons Quotes
Mr. Burns: [to a group of senior citizens working for him] I'll take you to the biggest duck-filled pond you ever saw.
Grampa: Hot Diggity. That's how they got me to vote for Lyndon LaRouche.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Mr. Burns: [to Homer] Young man, I'm making you my executive vice president.
Smithers: Sir, I believe that position was informally promised to me.
Mr. Burns: Oh, Smithers... I would have said anything to get your stem cells.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Mr. Burns: Mr. Simpson, you're smarter than you look, or sound, or our best testing indicates.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Mr. Burns: Simpson. I've been reviewing your performance record, and it is appalling. It says here that you caused 17 meltdowns.
Bart: I'm not Homer Simpson.
Mr. Burns: I know who Homer Simpson is. Not only that, but you also sold plutonium to the Iraqis... with no mark-up.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Mr. Burns: What are you doing in my corpse hatch?
Chief Wiggum: Mr. Burns, you're under arrest for murder.
Mr. Burns: Uh, did I say corpse hatch? I meant innocence tube.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Mr. Burns: You see me as a God, right, Smithers?
Smithers: Absolutely, sir.
Mr. Burns: You'd kneel before me, wouldn't you?
Smithers: Boy, would I.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Ned Flanders: Ho ho ho, suckin' down the cider, uh? Hey, word to the wise - [shows Homer a card]
Ned Flanders: season pass. It pays for itself after the sixteenth visit. You know, most people don't know the difference between apple cider and apple juice, but I do. Now here's a little trick to help you remember. If it's clear and yella', you've got juice there, fella. If it's tangy and brown, you're in cider town. Now, there's two exceptions and it gets kinda tricky here...
Homer's Brain: You can stay, but I'm leaving. [Homer's brain floats away]
Ned Flanders: ...can be yellow, if they're using late season apples. And, of course, in Canada, the whole thing's flip-flopped. [Homer collapses]
TV Show: The Simpsons
Ned Flanders: Sir... There's no reason Sarah needs to do this scene in the altogether.
Sara Sloane: Sam, he's got a point. Katherine Hepburn never showed her breasts.
Movie Director: There's still time.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Ned Flanders: That is one bitching ride.
Rod Flanders: Daddy said a bad word!
Ned Flanders: Oh, lighten up, Roddy.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Ned Flanders: You know, a man came into the store today and asked for change for a dollar, and I accidentally gave him three quarters. Took me all afternoon just to track him down.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Otto: They call 'em "fingers," but I never see 'em fing. Oh wait, there they go.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Principal Skinner: [an announcement made in front of the entire school] Due to budget cuts we had to sell the plastic skeleton and replace it with this Halloween costume. Also, the class trip to Italy is now "Spaghetti Night" in the school cafeteria, and your $1500 deposit is non refundable. Goodnight!
TV Show: The Simpsons
Principal Skinner: [over intercom] Attention. All honor roll students will be rewarded by a trip to an archaeological dig. Also, all detention students will be punished with a trip to an archaeological dig.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Principal Skinner: Order, order. Do you kids wanna be like the real UN or do you just wanna squabble and waste time?
TV Show: The Simpsons
Rainer Wolfcastle: [to piece of pie] You remember when I said I'll eat you last? I lied.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Smithers: Actually, thanks to our creative bookkeeping and corporate loopholes, we only pay about $3 in taxes a year.
Mr. Burns: $3? We're getting screwed.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Smithers: What's wrong with this country? Can't a man walk down the street without being offered a job?
TV Show: The Simpsons
Lisa: [Lisa is disgusted with Bart's "phony schmaltz" kids' news features]
Lisa: They want cheap sentiment? I'll pump 'em so full of sap they'll be blowing their nose with a pancake.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Lisa: [running past Moe's] It's noon. That's usually when dad gets the brew shakes.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Lisa: Cheer up, Dad. Did you know the Chinese use the same word for 'crisis' as they do for 'opportunity'?
Homer: Yes. Crisitunity.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Lisa: Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB.
Bart: Hey, Homer, what's that B for?
Homer: That's a typo.
TV Show: The Simpsons