The Thick of It Quotes
Malcolm: [Listening to the radio] Fuck me! This is like a clown running across a minefield!
TV Show: The Thick of It
Malcolm: [Over phone to Glenn] Are you producing porn for the visually impaired? Because what I'm hearing on my radio is Nicola Murray being roundly fucked.
TV Show: The Thick of It
Malcolm: That's the sort of thing the press will throw at you. I mean you step out of line they'll be all over you like a pigeon on a chip, you know? Is that your chair?
Nicola: Oh God yes, it's cool isn't it. It's got lumbar support.
Malcolm: Bin it. People don't like their politicians to be comfortable. They don't like you having expenses. They don't like you being paid. They'd rather you lived in a fucking cave.
Nicola: Ok, fine. So what should I be sitting on? Should I just get an upturned KFC bucket?
Malcolm: A fucking normal chair, right. Not a fucking massive vibrating throne.
Nicola: Oh God yes, it's cool isn't it. It's got lumbar support.
Malcolm: Bin it. People don't like their politicians to be comfortable. They don't like you having expenses. They don't like you being paid. They'd rather you lived in a fucking cave.
Nicola: Ok, fine. So what should I be sitting on? Should I just get an upturned KFC bucket?
Malcolm: A fucking normal chair, right. Not a fucking massive vibrating throne.
TV Show: The Thick of It
Malcolm Tucker: We send everyone up there to support Liam Bentley. Including the PM.
Aide: You want to send Tom up there?
Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, fuck it, he'll be alright. So long as he doesn't do the smile.
Aide: You want to send Tom up there?
Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, fuck it, he'll be alright. So long as he doesn't do the smile.
TV Show: The Thick of It
Nicola Murray: I don't really have a choice, do I?
Malcolm Tucker: Of course you have a choice. You can choose how you say yes. Do it with a voice, have fun with it.
Nicola Murray: [Pause] Yes. [Beat] In my own voice.
Malcolm Tucker: Of course you have a choice. You can choose how you say yes. Do it with a voice, have fun with it.
Nicola Murray: [Pause] Yes. [Beat] In my own voice.
TV Show: The Thick of It
Malcolm: You hit the phones, right. I'll be with you in two shakes of a crying baby.
TV Show: The Thick of It
Malcolm: Look, don't worry. The PM is not going to sack you after a week. Sacked after twelve months, looks like you've fucked up. Sacked after a week, looks like he's fucked up.
Nicola: I'm not doing terribly, am I?
[beat]
Malcolm: [Looking out window] I love the way they've sandblasted everything around here. It's so clean!
Nicola: I'm not doing terribly, am I?
[beat]
Malcolm: [Looking out window] I love the way they've sandblasted everything around here. It's so clean!
TV Show: The Thick of It
Malcolm: [To his driver] Pull in here. See if you can take out that cyclist on the way, I think he's Shadow Cabinet.
TV Show: The Thick of It
Robyn: Do you know, Malcolm, the best way to clear a paper jam?
Malcolm: I don't know... kill a kid an hour until it sorts itself out?
Malcolm: I don't know... kill a kid an hour until it sorts itself out?
TV Show: The Thick of It
Ollie: [To Glenn] You can't overwrite minutes! Well, you specifically can't because you don't know how to unlock the pdf file.
TV Show: The Thick of It
Malcolm: FUCK'S SAKE! JESUS CHRIST! Well, now we've got another fuckin' adjective to add to fuckin' 'smug' and 'glum', haven't we? 'FUCKIN' RETARDED!' Do you think it would not just be germane to check who you're talking to? IT'S A FUCKIN' NEWSPAPER OFFICE! IT'S NOT A FUCKIN' SANATORIUM FOR THE FUCKIN' DEAF! ARE YOU SO DENSE?! AM I GONNA HAVE TO RUN AROUND SLAPPING BADGES ON PEOPLE WITH A BIG TICK ON SOME AND A BIG CROSS ON OTHERS SO YOU KNOW WHEN TO SHUT YOUR GOB AND WHEN TO OPEN IT?! JESUS CHRIST, THAT'D PROBABLY CONFUSE YOU AS WELL, WOULDN'T IT? THAT'D BE TOO CONFUSING, YOU'D SEE THE CROSS AND GO 'OH, FUCK, X MARKS THE SPOT! I'D BETTER TELL THIS LITTLE PERSON ABOUT THE PRIME MINISTER'S CATASTROPHIC ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!' Oh, but not to worry, not to worry. You've sent fuckin' Ollie over there to deal with it. FUCKIN' OLLIE! HE'S A FUCKIN', HE'S A FUCKIN, KNITTED SCARF, THAT TWAT! HE'S A FUCKIN' BALACLAVA!
TV Show: The Thick of It
Nicola Murray: You said yourself that if the PM sacks me after a week, it looks like he's fucked up.
Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, but that was when your biggest problem was a shit pun in a newspaper and a face like Dot Cotton licking piss off a nettle.
Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, but that was when your biggest problem was a shit pun in a newspaper and a face like Dot Cotton licking piss off a nettle.
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John Duggan: How was your holiday?
Nicola Murray MP: Well, we wanted to go to Florida but Malcolm "suggested" that we go to Suffolk. So the kids were miserable, the weather was miserable and Malcolm phoned to shout at me for looking miserable.
Nicola Murray MP: Well, we wanted to go to Florida but Malcolm "suggested" that we go to Suffolk. So the kids were miserable, the weather was miserable and Malcolm phoned to shout at me for looking miserable.
TV Show: The Thick of It
John Duggan: Well, that's not strictly true.
Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, well Strictly Come Dancing isn't strictly dancing, is it? There's also a bit at the beginning when an old man dribbles.
Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, well Strictly Come Dancing isn't strictly dancing, is it? There's also a bit at the beginning when an old man dribbles.
TV Show: The Thick of It
Malcolm: Listen mate I'm really, I'm really sorry right. I'm really sorry about what happened in the heat of the fuckin moment, yeah. I'm under a lot of pressure right now, I'm trying to plug a lot of leaks. I had my finger in the dyke but the dyke's very squirty.
Ollie: Is it Fat Pat. I've heard that she's...
Ollie: Is it Fat Pat. I've heard that she's...
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Peter Mannion: [Regarding their visit to DoSAC] It's a straightforward series of meetings with the senior civil servants; "Where's the stop-cock?" "Where can I get a decent cup of coffee?" "Here's our Legislative agenda for the next three years."
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Malcolm Tucker: [To DoSAC, regarding the Opposition] You tell them nothing except where the toilets are, but you lie about that.
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Ollie: You having trouble with the Fourth Sector ring around?
Glen: No, not really. I ring people up, say "Do you think this is shite?" They say yes, I agree. Job done.
Glen: No, not really. I ring people up, say "Do you think this is shite?" They say yes, I agree. Job done.
TV Show: The Thick of It
Peter Mannion: [Discussing Malcolm] His bark's worse than his bite. [Sees Malcolm approaching] And speaking of rabies injections...
Malcolm Tucker: I didn't know you were still alive. How's the 80's tribute band? Still doing the Robert Palmer lookalike?
Peter Mannion: Malcolm. You're looking well... for someone twice your age. Any news on the aneurism?
Malcolm Tucker: I didn't know you were still alive. How's the 80's tribute band? Still doing the Robert Palmer lookalike?
Peter Mannion: Malcolm. You're looking well... for someone twice your age. Any news on the aneurism?
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Peter Mannion: [Answers his mobile phone] Ah, Stewart. What flavour of nut-brown piss are you going to pour in my ear?
Stewart: How's the info-pump firing?
Peter Mannion: You mean Terri Coverley? She's useless, she knows nothing. You two would get on.
Stewart: How's the info-pump firing?
Peter Mannion: You mean Terri Coverley? She's useless, she knows nothing. You two would get on.
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Glen Cullen: Malcolm knows Mannion was here. Text reads "I know about your fucking meeting with that aging flamenco guitarist. You are NOT to go home. There has been an escalation." He wants you at Downing street "ASAFP."
Nicola Murray: The F standing for?
Glen: 'Feasibly' I should imagine.
Nicola Murray: The F standing for?
Glen: 'Feasibly' I should imagine.
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Nicola Murray: You haven't got any whiskey, have you?
Malcolm Tucker: Sure. It's been there a while, it's still got Anthony Eden's lipstick on the bottle.
Malcolm Tucker: Sure. It's been there a while, it's still got Anthony Eden's lipstick on the bottle.
TV Show: The Thick of It
Nicola Murray: So it's Mannion. What we do? Do we go after him with... y'know, one of those things you say... like a big bum dildo of vengeance.
Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, Indiana Murray and the bum dildo of vengeance. I like it.
Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, Indiana Murray and the bum dildo of vengeance. I like it.
TV Show: The Thick of It
[Malcolm opens a box. It contains a cake decorated with the words "Happy Birthday C*nt"]
Malcolm: This could be from anyone. [Opens the accompanying card] It's from the Prime Minister. This is Tom's idea of a joke, and he wonders why we don't let him out in public.
Malcolm: This could be from anyone. [Opens the accompanying card] It's from the Prime Minister. This is Tom's idea of a joke, and he wonders why we don't let him out in public.
TV Show: The Thick of It
[Terri is ogling Peter Mannion]
Peter Mannion: The stupid one keeps staring at me.
Phil: That's because she's a mentalist and she loves you. If you ever crash your car in the mountains, she'll be the one waiting to pull you out! Have you seen Misery?
Peter: I'm at the fucking BBC aren't I?
Peter Mannion: The stupid one keeps staring at me.
Phil: That's because she's a mentalist and she loves you. If you ever crash your car in the mountains, she'll be the one waiting to pull you out! Have you seen Misery?
Peter: I'm at the fucking BBC aren't I?
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Ollie: How are things at the department of education education education?
Ben Swain: They're going up the fuck-pump, Ollie, mostly because You are the Robin Hood of politics.
Ollie: Well, Robin Hood was a hero...
Ben Swain: No he wasn't! He was a bloody terrorist!
Ben Swain: They're going up the fuck-pump, Ollie, mostly because You are the Robin Hood of politics.
Ollie: Well, Robin Hood was a hero...
Ben Swain: No he wasn't! He was a bloody terrorist!
TV Show: The Thick of It
Malcolm Tucker: This is a Lock-Down!
Nicola Murray MP: Oh come on, we're not in a prison drama are we?
Malcolm: We are in a prison drama. This is like The Shawshank Redemption, only with more tunneling through shit and no fucking redemption.
Nicola Murray MP: Oh come on, we're not in a prison drama are we?
Malcolm: We are in a prison drama. This is like The Shawshank Redemption, only with more tunneling through shit and no fucking redemption.
TV Show: The Thick of It
Nicola Murray: Why are you doing this?
Ben Swain: Because I'm bored, it's funny and I hate you. There you are, the holy trinity of 'why'.
Ben Swain: Because I'm bored, it's funny and I hate you. There you are, the holy trinity of 'why'.
TV Show: The Thick of It