The Venture Bros. Quotes
Hank: Well, sure. H.E.L.P.eR. looks like a dried-out turd on a bad stretch of road.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Hank: What's your problem with our dad anyway?!
The Monarch: (awkwardly) Well, I- he- he's my nemesis. My archenemy.
Dean: I don't think pop thinks you're his archenemy.
The Monarch: Come on, I'm sure the walls of the Venture Compound are practically caked with the lingering curses of the Monarch's name.
Dean: Uhh, no. I've never even heard him mention you.
Hank: Yeah, I always thought Baron Ünderbheit was dad's arch-enemy.
The Monarch: (astounded) Ünderbheit!?! Why, that dime-store Doctor Doom isn't fit to -- just you wait til your father calls me back!!
The Monarch: (awkwardly) Well, I- he- he's my nemesis. My archenemy.
Dean: I don't think pop thinks you're his archenemy.
The Monarch: Come on, I'm sure the walls of the Venture Compound are practically caked with the lingering curses of the Monarch's name.
Dean: Uhh, no. I've never even heard him mention you.
Hank: Yeah, I always thought Baron Ünderbheit was dad's arch-enemy.
The Monarch: (astounded) Ünderbheit!?! Why, that dime-store Doctor Doom isn't fit to -- just you wait til your father calls me back!!
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Brock: You get the boys. I'll take care of these guys.
Dr. Venture: Are you sure? There's an awful lot of them.
Brock: (left eye twitching) They hit me with a truck.
Dr. Venture: Are you sure? There's an awful lot of them.
Brock: (left eye twitching) They hit me with a truck.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
[after his henchmen have kidnapped the Venture boys and brought them back to the lair]
The Monarch: But see, that's what I'm talking about! Now Venture'll send Samson after the rest of us, and he'll go totally sickhouse on our asses. I LIKE my ass, gentlemen.
The Monarch: But see, that's what I'm talking about! Now Venture'll send Samson after the rest of us, and he'll go totally sickhouse on our asses. I LIKE my ass, gentlemen.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Dr. Venture: [After waking up in a tub of ice with a note explaining that his kidneys are gone] "One..." [Checks his other side] "Two... This is bad."
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
The Monarch: All right which one of you sold The Monarch out? OK, OK I'm gonna turn around and close my eyes, and I want the guilty party to step forward. No judgments you won't be punished I just want to know who did it, OK.
[Cough]
The Monarch: Traitor! Dirty bastard traitor! I knew it was you, number ...
Dr. Girlfriend: 37.
The Monarch: Number 37! Strike him from the roster, Dr. Girlfriend.
[Cough]
The Monarch: Traitor! Dirty bastard traitor! I knew it was you, number ...
Dr. Girlfriend: 37.
The Monarch: Number 37! Strike him from the roster, Dr. Girlfriend.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Hank and Dean: He started it!
Dr. Venture: No, I started it years ago in a moment of passion! And I'll end it the same way right here in front of Brock, H.E.L.P.eR., and God!
Dr. Venture: No, I started it years ago in a moment of passion! And I'll end it the same way right here in front of Brock, H.E.L.P.eR., and God!
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
(Brock is piloting the Ventures' phallic ship into Gargantua-1's docking bay)
Lt. Baldavitch: Let's take this slow. It's my first time.
Brock: I'll be gentle. Now where do you want this hot rocket?
Lt. Baldavitch: Wow! That's a big one. Now, ease it in... good, just like that.
Dr. Venture: Uugh, ay-yi... uugh, Brock, can we speed this up? I really need to go number one, I'm serious.
Lt. Baldavitch: That's it! Keep going. Slow... slow... YES! That's it!
Brock: That's a tight fit.
Lt. Baldavitch: (sighs) It's like they were made for each other.
Dr. Venture: (annoyed) Yes, because they were, because they were both made by the same guy. Now can we finish this up please?
Brock: I'm almost there, brace yourself because it's gonna be... (trails off)
Dr. Venture: Oh, come on!
Lt. Baldavitch: Let's take this slow. It's my first time.
Brock: I'll be gentle. Now where do you want this hot rocket?
Lt. Baldavitch: Wow! That's a big one. Now, ease it in... good, just like that.
Dr. Venture: Uugh, ay-yi... uugh, Brock, can we speed this up? I really need to go number one, I'm serious.
Lt. Baldavitch: That's it! Keep going. Slow... slow... YES! That's it!
Brock: That's a tight fit.
Lt. Baldavitch: (sighs) It's like they were made for each other.
Dr. Venture: (annoyed) Yes, because they were, because they were both made by the same guy. Now can we finish this up please?
Brock: I'm almost there, brace yourself because it's gonna be... (trails off)
Dr. Venture: Oh, come on!
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Dr. Venture: Oh sweet mercy, tell me these suits have a collection pouch.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Dean: It's on!
Hank: It's off!
Dean: It's on!
Hank: It's off!
Dean: It's on!
Hank: It's off!
Dean: It's on!
Hank: Off!
Dean: It's on!
Hank: It's off!
Dean: It's on!
Hank: Off!
Dean: It's on!
Dr. Venture: That's called 'blinking', boys...
Hank: "Now it's just regular on."
Hank: It's off!
Dean: It's on!
Hank: It's off!
Dean: It's on!
Hank: It's off!
Dean: It's on!
Hank: Off!
Dean: It's on!
Hank: It's off!
Dean: It's on!
Hank: Off!
Dean: It's on!
Dr. Venture: That's called 'blinking', boys...
Hank: "Now it's just regular on."
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
(after being rescued from being in space without a spacesuit)
Brock: Gonna...go...lay down...for a...second...
Brock: Gonna...go...lay down...for a...second...
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Brock: Oh yeah, the pain. It's not so bad. I hacked up some blood a couple of minutes ago and there was this pink chunk about the size of, uh... one of those little kiwifruit, but I don't feel anything missing, so I'm not too worried.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Col. Manstrong: So.. h-how was he?
Lt. Baldavich: How was who?
Col. Manstrong: Oh, come on! I shook his hand, it's all fat and stubby! He must have like a huge mushroom down there! So...does he have a Smurf living in it or what?
Lt. Baldavich: What's got into you?
Col. Manstrong: Got into me?! I know what got into you, and that's what got into me!
Lt. Baldavitch: You don't deserve to be jealous! I gave you every chance in the world!
Col. Manstrong: I'm not jealous! I'm pissed! You said you were going to wait til-!
Lt. Baldavitch: No! You said we were going to wait! I-I don't have to take this! (stomps away, shoving Col. Manstrong aside)
Col. Manstrong: That's because you already took it! In the...lap! From...not me!
Lt. Baldavich: How was who?
Col. Manstrong: Oh, come on! I shook his hand, it's all fat and stubby! He must have like a huge mushroom down there! So...does he have a Smurf living in it or what?
Lt. Baldavich: What's got into you?
Col. Manstrong: Got into me?! I know what got into you, and that's what got into me!
Lt. Baldavitch: You don't deserve to be jealous! I gave you every chance in the world!
Col. Manstrong: I'm not jealous! I'm pissed! You said you were going to wait til-!
Lt. Baldavitch: No! You said we were going to wait! I-I don't have to take this! (stomps away, shoving Col. Manstrong aside)
Col. Manstrong: That's because you already took it! In the...lap! From...not me!
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Lt. Baldavich: I don't have to take this!
Col. Manstrong: That's because you already took it ... in the lap. From ... not me!
Col. Manstrong: That's because you already took it ... in the lap. From ... not me!
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Brock: Bionic, huh? Let's see how bionic. (he kicks Summers in the testicles)
Steve Summers: (in agony) Ooof... right in my Cape Canaverals!
Steve Summers: (in agony) Ooof... right in my Cape Canaverals!
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Brock: Wait a minute - I know you too. You're Steve Summers, astronaut.
Steve Summers: Former astronaut.
Brock: I thought you died.
Summers: That's what everyone was meant to think, though I was barely alive after my test ship broke up, but the army saved me. They spent six million dollars to give me all new bionic parts. Made me stronger, better, faster than I was. Then you know what they did? They put me to work! They expected me to pay it all back! Do you have any idea how long six million bucks takes to pay off on a government salary!?
Steve Summers: Former astronaut.
Brock: I thought you died.
Summers: That's what everyone was meant to think, though I was barely alive after my test ship broke up, but the army saved me. They spent six million dollars to give me all new bionic parts. Made me stronger, better, faster than I was. Then you know what they did? They put me to work! They expected me to pay it all back! Do you have any idea how long six million bucks takes to pay off on a government salary!?
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Brock: You could've told me Sasquatch was a dude...
Steve Summers: Eh? What, you couldn't tell?
Brock: Not until I had to.. (shudder) ...shave him.
Summers: What are you, shy? Sasquatch doesn't have anything you haven't seen before.
Brock: (angrily) Sasquatch IS something I haven't seen before!
Steve Summers: Eh? What, you couldn't tell?
Brock: Not until I had to.. (shudder) ...shave him.
Summers: What are you, shy? Sasquatch doesn't have anything you haven't seen before.
Brock: (angrily) Sasquatch IS something I haven't seen before!
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
#24: When they closed the plant, there weren't a lot of jobs for me. All I got's a GED. It was either this or the army.
Ünderbheit henchman: In Ünderland, all citizens are required to serve in his lordship's infantry from the ages of 12 to 37. At 38, we are executed.
Random Monarch henchman: When I met the Monarch, I was hooked on crack cocaine. I get in all kinds of trouble. Monarch turned my life around. How 'bout you, why'd you join up?
#21: You guys kidnapped me when I was 15.
Ünderbheit henchman: In Ünderland, all citizens are required to serve in his lordship's infantry from the ages of 12 to 37. At 38, we are executed.
Random Monarch henchman: When I met the Monarch, I was hooked on crack cocaine. I get in all kinds of trouble. Monarch turned my life around. How 'bout you, why'd you join up?
#21: You guys kidnapped me when I was 15.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Hank: But Pop, you're bleeding!
Dr. Venture: Uh? Oh, this. Uh, no, it's fairly common for some men to lactate involuntarily in situations of extreme stress.
Hank: (pointing to Dean's wet pajama bottoms) Dean's lactating too!
Dr. Venture: Uh? Oh, this. Uh, no, it's fairly common for some men to lactate involuntarily in situations of extreme stress.
Hank: (pointing to Dean's wet pajama bottoms) Dean's lactating too!
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Dr. Venture: Right now, G.U.A.R.D.O. doesn't know you or me from a squad of Snake People hopped up on PCP.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Hank: Yeah, but did you get the first aid kit?
Dr. Venture: I don't need first aid, Hank, I need you to stop choking me and hitting me with fire extinguishers.
Dr. Venture: I don't need first aid, Hank, I need you to stop choking me and hitting me with fire extinguishers.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
The Monarch: (tastes a cup of soda and spits) What is this, diet? Why did you get diet?
Dr. Girlfriend: I didn't.
The Monarch: Taste this, then! (shoves the cup into Girlfriend's face)
Dr. Girlfriend: Okay, I might have grabbed the wrong bottle at the supermarket.
The Monarch: How do you do that!? How can you not tell the difference?! God, it's like having my Dad do the shopping!
Dr. Girlfriend: I didn't.
The Monarch: Taste this, then! (shoves the cup into Girlfriend's face)
Dr. Girlfriend: Okay, I might have grabbed the wrong bottle at the supermarket.
The Monarch: How do you do that!? How can you not tell the difference?! God, it's like having my Dad do the shopping!
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
The Monarch: Venture and I have been engaged in a deadly game of cat and also-cat for years!
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Dr. Venture: What the hell are you smiling about?
Hank: (dreamily) Brock said I'm the man of the house while he's gone.
Dr. Venture: (annoyed) Oh, so you think you're a big man now, huh?
Hank: (uneasily) Uh, no... sir?
(Doctor Venture puts up his dukes and steps menacingly close to Hank)
Dr. Venture: Think you can take your old dad, huh? I knew this day would come! Go ahead, big man, take your best shot!
Hank: What... what do you mean, pop?
Dean: No! Stop it, you two! This family's tearing itself apart! (begins to cry)
Dr. Venture: You proud of yourself, big man? Look what you're doing to your poor brother.
Hank: (dreamily) Brock said I'm the man of the house while he's gone.
Dr. Venture: (annoyed) Oh, so you think you're a big man now, huh?
Hank: (uneasily) Uh, no... sir?
(Doctor Venture puts up his dukes and steps menacingly close to Hank)
Dr. Venture: Think you can take your old dad, huh? I knew this day would come! Go ahead, big man, take your best shot!
Hank: What... what do you mean, pop?
Dean: No! Stop it, you two! This family's tearing itself apart! (begins to cry)
Dr. Venture: You proud of yourself, big man? Look what you're doing to your poor brother.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Soldier 1: Who was that?
Soldier 2: Brock fucking Samson!
Soldier 1: No way! Dibs on his cigarette butt!
Soldier 2: Brock fucking Samson!
Soldier 1: No way! Dibs on his cigarette butt!
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Hank: Dude, look! Elephants!
Dean: That's... (rummages through box of wildlife cards) "Loxodonta africana." You can tell which ones are the males because they're the only ones with tusks.
Hank: I got no problem tellin' which one's the male, bro. Check out the fifth leg on that beast!
Dean: It's called a "trunk."
Hank: It's called "you're a spaz", and that ain't what I'm talkin' about.
Dean: That's... (rummages through box of wildlife cards) "Loxodonta africana." You can tell which ones are the males because they're the only ones with tusks.
Hank: I got no problem tellin' which one's the male, bro. Check out the fifth leg on that beast!
Dean: It's called a "trunk."
Hank: It's called "you're a spaz", and that ain't what I'm talkin' about.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.