The West Wing Quotes
Sam: [holding up an envelope] What's this?
Ginger: I don't know. It's marked "personal."
Sam: You don't know who sent it?
Ginger: There's no return address.
Sam: Think it's porn?
Ginger: I don't know.
Sam: 'Cause I'm pretty tired, but if it's porn—I mean really good porn—by the way if my innocent joking's making you uncomfortable in any way—
Ginger: No, I'm hoping it's porn.
Ginger: I don't know. It's marked "personal."
Sam: You don't know who sent it?
Ginger: There's no return address.
Sam: Think it's porn?
Ginger: I don't know.
Sam: 'Cause I'm pretty tired, but if it's porn—I mean really good porn—by the way if my innocent joking's making you uncomfortable in any way—
Ginger: No, I'm hoping it's porn.
TV Show: The West Wing
Bruno: This isn't bad, Sam. Let me show you bad. [they walk out to where all the TVs are running the ad]
Sam: Oh, God.
Bruno: It's on free media. Everywhere. All day, all night, for free. You got played, Sam. And you forgot that all warfare is based on deception.
Sam: Oh, God.
Bruno: It's on free media. Everywhere. All day, all night, for free. You got played, Sam. And you forgot that all warfare is based on deception.
TV Show: The West Wing
C.J.: There's no way you're letting me walk out the door, so what is it we're doing?
Simon: I'm sorry?
C.J.: What's your plan for me?
Simon: I don't have a plan.
C.J.: Are you gonna let me drive myself home?
Simon: No. [holding up something] I've got your spark plug. Is that what you meant?
C.J.: You've got my spark plug?
Simon: And your battery. Fuel pump, starter relay, timing belt, the ignition fuse. And well also the engine, I guess.
C.J.: Did you leave me anything?
Simon: Wiper fluid. You can clean your windshield. No, actually, you need the battery.
Simon: I'm sorry?
C.J.: What's your plan for me?
Simon: I don't have a plan.
C.J.: Are you gonna let me drive myself home?
Simon: No. [holding up something] I've got your spark plug. Is that what you meant?
C.J.: You've got my spark plug?
Simon: And your battery. Fuel pump, starter relay, timing belt, the ignition fuse. And well also the engine, I guess.
C.J.: Did you leave me anything?
Simon: Wiper fluid. You can clean your windshield. No, actually, you need the battery.
TV Show: The West Wing
C.J.: Anything else, Agent Sunshine?
Simon: It's Special Agent Sunshine, but that couldn't matter less.
Simon: It's Special Agent Sunshine, but that couldn't matter less.
TV Show: The West Wing
Bartlet: I'm not going to the bunker. There are going to be people who aren't going to the bunker, and when I get out I'm not going to be able to tell them what to do anymore and I like doing that. Let's get Abbey to New Hampshire but I'm not going to the bunker. And if you say I have to, I'm walking across the alley with the Chief Justice and I'm handing John Hoynes my resignation. And as soon as he's sworn in I'm telling him to appoint me his Vice President because I'm not going to the bunker. If the agents come, the agents come, but tell Ron he'd better bring more than a couple of guys.
TV Show: The West Wing
Leo: I know it was a screw-up, but I loved how he stormed into it, full throttle, like there's now a Sam Seaborn sized hole in the wall.
TV Show: The West Wing
Leo: We spent millions of dollars developing a pen for the astronauts that would work in zero gravity. Know what the Russians did?
Toby: Used a pencil?
Leo: They used a pencil.
Toby: Used a pencil?
Leo: They used a pencil.
TV Show: The West Wing
Bartlet: [about replacing Mrs. Landingham] So it's been a year. Why don't you organize the search, you know for a new Executive Secretary.
Charlie: Yes, sir. Absolutely.
Bartlet: I may not like the first couple of candidates. It may take a while.
Charlie: No, I don't imagine you're going to hire somebody sir, but this is a step in the right direction.
Charlie: Yes, sir. Absolutely.
Bartlet: I may not like the first couple of candidates. It may take a while.
Charlie: No, I don't imagine you're going to hire somebody sir, but this is a step in the right direction.
TV Show: The West Wing
Donna: Eliminating the term 'north' from North Dakota is an important state issue and the President feels it should be resolved on a state level. While the President is sympathetic towards the cause and understands the large economics ramifications of this name change, he feels the issue is not yet ripe for national attention. The President wishes you well on your endeavors and thanks you for your support.
Man: Uh, Miss Moss? Are you aware that studies clearly show the word 'north' leaves the impression that this state is cold, snowy and flat, significantly depressing tourism and business startup.
Donna: With due respect, sir, your average temperature is 7 degrees. Your average snowfall: 42 inches, and a name change isn't going to take care of that.
Woman: We enjoy roughly the same climate as South Dakota. We took in 73.7 million in tourism revenue last year. They took in 1.2 billion. They have the word 'south'.
Donna: Also Mount Rushmore.
Man: Uh, Miss Moss? Are you aware that studies clearly show the word 'north' leaves the impression that this state is cold, snowy and flat, significantly depressing tourism and business startup.
Donna: With due respect, sir, your average temperature is 7 degrees. Your average snowfall: 42 inches, and a name change isn't going to take care of that.
Woman: We enjoy roughly the same climate as South Dakota. We took in 73.7 million in tourism revenue last year. They took in 1.2 billion. They have the word 'south'.
Donna: Also Mount Rushmore.
TV Show: The West Wing
Fitzwallace: I don't know who the world's leading expert on warfare is but any list of the top has got to include me and I can't tell when it's peacetime and wartime anymore.
Leo: Look, international law has always recognized certain protected persons who you couldn't attack. It's been this way since the Romans.
Fitzwallace: In peacetime...
Leo: I don't like where this conversation's going...
Fitzwallace: We killed Yamamoto. We shot down his plane.
Leo: We declared war... I'm going to get back to the office.
Fitzwallace: We measure the success of a mission by two things: was it successful and how few civilians did we hurt. They measure success by how many. Pregnant women are delivering bombs! You're talking to me about international laws? The laws of nature don't even apply here! I've been a soldier for thirty-eight years, and I've found an enemy I can kill. He can't cancel Shareef's trip, Leo. You've got to tell him, he can't cancel it.
Leo: Look, international law has always recognized certain protected persons who you couldn't attack. It's been this way since the Romans.
Fitzwallace: In peacetime...
Leo: I don't like where this conversation's going...
Fitzwallace: We killed Yamamoto. We shot down his plane.
Leo: We declared war... I'm going to get back to the office.
Fitzwallace: We measure the success of a mission by two things: was it successful and how few civilians did we hurt. They measure success by how many. Pregnant women are delivering bombs! You're talking to me about international laws? The laws of nature don't even apply here! I've been a soldier for thirty-eight years, and I've found an enemy I can kill. He can't cancel Shareef's trip, Leo. You've got to tell him, he can't cancel it.
TV Show: The West Wing
Bartlet: [to Gov. Ritchie] In the future, if you're wondering, "Crime. Boy, I don't know" is when I decided to kick your ass.
TV Show: The West Wing
Sam: [when Ritchie is late] If ninety percent of success is showing up, we're just happy there's someone standing up for the other ten.
TV Show: The West Wing
Sam: He [Gov. Ritchie] said that this was how ordinary Americans got their entertainment.
Toby: I've been to 441 baseball games at Yankee Stadium. There's not one person there who's ordinary.
Sam: I know.
Toby: You making fun of the Yankees?
Sam: Uh...no...
Toby: Now?
Toby: I've been to 441 baseball games at Yankee Stadium. There's not one person there who's ordinary.
Sam: I know.
Toby: You making fun of the Yankees?
Sam: Uh...no...
Toby: Now?
TV Show: The West Wing
Margaret: Speaking of health and fitness...
Leo: Oh, merciful God!
Margaret: What did you have...
Leo: I had half a grapefruit!
Margaret: Really?
Leo: You think I'm lying?
Margaret: No.
Leo: Okay.
Margaret: Yes.
Leo: Oh, merciful God!
Margaret: What did you have...
Leo: I had half a grapefruit!
Margaret: Really?
Leo: You think I'm lying?
Margaret: No.
Leo: Okay.
Margaret: Yes.
TV Show: The West Wing
Sam: [on his answering machine] Hi, it's Sam. I'm going to sleep now for a little bit, but if you really need me just yell really loud and I'll probably wake up.
Josh: SAM!!!
Josh: SAM!!!
TV Show: The West Wing
Sam: Do we have some sort of condensed... Reader's Digest index... of, well... all human knowledge?
Ginger: We usually just use Margaret.
Ginger: We usually just use Margaret.
TV Show: The West Wing
C.J.: We've got a new addition to our running list of things Robert Ritchie's not. Speaking this morning at the Philadelphia Financial Council, the Governor said, "I'm no scientist but I know a thing or two about physics." So for the week you can add scientist to doctor, mind reader, and Chinese.
TV Show: The West Wing
Toby: Toby Ziegler. I work at the White House.
Girl 1: Wow. Humongous whoop.
Josh: Come on! He's Communications Director. It's a decent sized whoop.
Girl 2: How many unborn babies did you guys kill today?
Josh: Whoa, hey. Danger, Will Robinson.
Girl 1: Wow. Humongous whoop.
Josh: Come on! He's Communications Director. It's a decent sized whoop.
Girl 2: How many unborn babies did you guys kill today?
Josh: Whoa, hey. Danger, Will Robinson.
TV Show: The West Wing
Bartlet: ...restoring abundance amid an economic shortfall, securing peace in a time of global conflict, sustaining hope in this winter of anxiety and fear. More than any time in recent history, America's destiny is not of our own choosing. We did not seek nor did we provoke an assault on our freedom and our way of life. We did not expect nor did we invite a confrontation with evil. Yet the true measure of a people's strength is how they rise to master that moment when it does arrive. Forty-four people were killed a couple of hours ago at Kennison State University. Three swimmers from the men's team were killed and two others are in critical condition, when, after having heard the explosion from their practice facility, they ran into the fire to help get people out. Ran into the fire. The streets of heaven are too crowded with angels tonight. They're our students and our teachers and our parents and our friends. The streets of heaven are too crowded with angels, but every time we think we have measured our capacity to meet a challenge, we look up and we're reminded that that capacity may well be limitless. This is a time for American heroes. We will do what is hard. We will achieve what is great. This is a time for American heroes and we reach for the stars. God bless their memory, God bless you and God bless the United States of America. Thank you.
TV Show: The West Wing
Sam: [on being a Big Brother] I could narrate what I was doing for him. "Right now, I'm reading background intelligence on Central America as it relates - believe it or not - to textile imports." Intelligence... 007! See, and right away I've got him going with 007.
CJ: I'm sitting here listening; already, I've turned to a life of crime.
CJ: I'm sitting here listening; already, I've turned to a life of crime.
TV Show: The West Wing
Josh: You have an inadvertent habit of putting down my Judaism by implying that you have a sharper anti-Semitism meter than I do.
Toby: You know, the ancient Hebrews had a word for Jews from Westport: they pronounced it "Presbyterian."
Josh: And by saying things like that.
Toby: I'm just saying, I'm from Brighton Beach.
Josh: Well, Mohammed al Mohammed el Mohammed bin Bizir doesn't make the distinction when he suits up in the morning.
Toby: Well, as long as you have a good grasp of the complexity of that situation.
Donna: What the hell are the two of you talking about?
Toby: I assure you neither one of us knows.
Toby: You know, the ancient Hebrews had a word for Jews from Westport: they pronounced it "Presbyterian."
Josh: And by saying things like that.
Toby: I'm just saying, I'm from Brighton Beach.
Josh: Well, Mohammed al Mohammed el Mohammed bin Bizir doesn't make the distinction when he suits up in the morning.
Toby: Well, as long as you have a good grasp of the complexity of that situation.
Donna: What the hell are the two of you talking about?
Toby: I assure you neither one of us knows.
TV Show: The West Wing
McNally: Leo. Yeoman Fitzwallace.
Fitzwallace: Dr. McNally.
McNally: Let's attack.
Fitzwallace: Who?
McNally: Qumar. Let's recommend to the President that we attack.
Leo: Why?
McNally: 'Cause I've had it.
Fitzwallace: I don't think the UN is going to let us do it for that reason.
McNally: That's 'cause you're a sissy. You want peace in the Middle East? Give me a pair of third generation ICBM's and a compass. You get B-2 Spirit stealth bombers over Qumar right now as if the Qumari Air Defense Sytem requires stealth capability. Just fly in at night, and while you're at it, could you order the USS Louisiana to fire off a D-5 Trident just to see if it works? What's the worst that could happen?
Fitzwallace: [to Leo, bewildered] Is she talking to me?
McNally: Yes!
Fitzwallace: Well, 98% of all living organisms within a seven mile radius would die instantly in a torrent of fire.
McNally: Admiral Sissymary... We're running out of options on the menu.
Fitzwallace: Dr. McNally.
McNally: Let's attack.
Fitzwallace: Who?
McNally: Qumar. Let's recommend to the President that we attack.
Leo: Why?
McNally: 'Cause I've had it.
Fitzwallace: I don't think the UN is going to let us do it for that reason.
McNally: That's 'cause you're a sissy. You want peace in the Middle East? Give me a pair of third generation ICBM's and a compass. You get B-2 Spirit stealth bombers over Qumar right now as if the Qumari Air Defense Sytem requires stealth capability. Just fly in at night, and while you're at it, could you order the USS Louisiana to fire off a D-5 Trident just to see if it works? What's the worst that could happen?
Fitzwallace: [to Leo, bewildered] Is she talking to me?
McNally: Yes!
Fitzwallace: Well, 98% of all living organisms within a seven mile radius would die instantly in a torrent of fire.
McNally: Admiral Sissymary... We're running out of options on the menu.
TV Show: The West Wing
Toby: We don’t know what the next president is going to face. If we choose someone with vision, someone with guts, someone with gravitas, who is connected to other peoples lives and cares about making them better. If we choose someone who inspires us then we will be able to face what comes our way and achieve things we can’t imagine yet.
TV Show: The West Wing
Bartlet: Listen, I know we're here for a serious purpose, for a sober purpose, but I wanted to say I've never been a part of a street gang before, and that's basically what we are -- a pretty well-financed one -- but anyway, I wanted to say it feels good, and I think when we're done with this meeting, I think we should go out and get girls, and I don't know, maybe knock over a fruit stand or something.
TV Show: The West Wing
Debbie: At my last job, the background check wasn't nearly as extensive...
Sam: You have a button on your phone, a crash button.
Debbie: Hmm?
Sam: You have a crash button which will bring the Secret Service in instantly and turn your office into a live microphone which will be broadcast all over the building. It's the button you push if someone's trying to take the Oval Office. This isn't your last job.
Sam: You have a button on your phone, a crash button.
Debbie: Hmm?
Sam: You have a crash button which will bring the Secret Service in instantly and turn your office into a live microphone which will be broadcast all over the building. It's the button you push if someone's trying to take the Oval Office. This isn't your last job.
TV Show: The West Wing
Charlie: CJ.
CJ: Yeah?
Charlie: Don't go on TV with Taylor Reid again unless you're going to tell him what an idiotic, shallow, uninformed, and lying punk he is.
CJ: I think he knows that.
CJ: Yeah?
Charlie: Don't go on TV with Taylor Reid again unless you're going to tell him what an idiotic, shallow, uninformed, and lying punk he is.
CJ: I think he knows that.
TV Show: The West Wing
CJ: You begin every day juggling a very precise schedule which completely, completely falls apart by mid-morning.
TV Show: The West Wing
Bartlet: ...'Joy cometh in the morning,' scripture tells us. I hope so. I don't know if life would be worth living if it didn't. And I don't yet know who set off the bomb at Kennison State. I don't know if it's one person or ten, and I don't know what they want. All I know for sure, all I know for certain, is that they weren't born wanting to do this. There's evil in the world, there'll always be, and we can't do anything about that. But there's violence in our schools, too much mayhem in our culture, and we can do something about that. There's not enough character, discipline, and depth in our classrooms; there aren't enough teachers in our classrooms. There isn't nearly enough, not nearly enough, not nearly enough money in our classrooms, and we can do something about that. We're not doing nearly enough, not nearly enough to teach our children well, and we can do better, and we must do better, and we will do better, and we will start this moment today! They weren't born wanting to do this.
TV Show: The West Wing
Jordan: All I meant by 'cloak and dagger' is that I'm not cut out for the security meetings and the secret this and the back channel ambassadors. It's like you're in the Mafia.
Leo: Well, it may be like I'm in the Mafia, but I'm not. I work for the good guys.
Jordan: It was one sentence. The problem was that you were never at the other end of the phone.
Leo: That's an entirely different kettle of beans and we can have that discussion, but history has shown if you just wait and tell it to a divorce lawyer you can have half of my stuff.
Jordan: I don't want your stuff.
Leo: You don't know; some of it's good stuff.
Leo: Well, it may be like I'm in the Mafia, but I'm not. I work for the good guys.
Jordan: It was one sentence. The problem was that you were never at the other end of the phone.
Leo: That's an entirely different kettle of beans and we can have that discussion, but history has shown if you just wait and tell it to a divorce lawyer you can have half of my stuff.
Jordan: I don't want your stuff.
Leo: You don't know; some of it's good stuff.
TV Show: The West Wing
Donna: We're here!
Josh: You know, everybody's really over that now.
CJ: Admiral Scott! Your expedition's returned!
Toby: Are they over it?
Josh: Yeah.
Bruno: Barnum, Bailey, and their sister Sue!
Josh: They're almost over it.
Josh: You know, everybody's really over that now.
CJ: Admiral Scott! Your expedition's returned!
Toby: Are they over it?
Josh: Yeah.
Bruno: Barnum, Bailey, and their sister Sue!
Josh: They're almost over it.
TV Show: The West Wing