The West Wing Quotes
Laurie: I can’t believe you. What, did you get this out of a book?
Josh: It was my idea.
Laurie: Oh! What are you, the brains of the outfit?
Josh: Yeah, I am. And I got to tell you, I could care less about your indignation right now. A man has left himself open to the kind of attack from which men in my business do not recover. Now if our tactics seem less than civilized it’s because so are our attackers. In any event I don’t feel like standing here taking a civics lesson from a hooker.
Josh: It was my idea.
Laurie: Oh! What are you, the brains of the outfit?
Josh: Yeah, I am. And I got to tell you, I could care less about your indignation right now. A man has left himself open to the kind of attack from which men in my business do not recover. Now if our tactics seem less than civilized it’s because so are our attackers. In any event I don’t feel like standing here taking a civics lesson from a hooker.
TV Show: The West Wing
Leo: [Signing Christmas cards] Who the hell is this guy and why would I care if he has a merry Christmas?
Margaret: Just sign the damn thing.
Margaret: Just sign the damn thing.
TV Show: The West Wing
Josh: Here's one.
Mandy: One what?
Josh: A book which if I was stuck with it on a desert island I still wouldn't read it. "The Adventures of James C. Adams, Mountaineer and Grizzly Bear Hunter of California." I believe I would eat this book before I read it.
Mandy: One what?
Josh: A book which if I was stuck with it on a desert island I still wouldn't read it. "The Adventures of James C. Adams, Mountaineer and Grizzly Bear Hunter of California." I believe I would eat this book before I read it.
TV Show: The West Wing
Josh: An hour with you in a rare book store. Couldn't you just drop me off the top of the Washington Monument instead?
Bartlet: It's Christmas, Josh! No reason we can't do both.
Bartlet: It's Christmas, Josh! No reason we can't do both.
TV Show: The West Wing
Charlie: Mr. President?
Bartlet: I'll take the Indian ambassador in the Oval Office.
Charlie: Yes, sir.
Bartlet: And then if you could just ask the Secret Service to step in and kill me, please.
Charlie: Yes, sir.
Bartlet: I'll take the Indian ambassador in the Oval Office.
Charlie: Yes, sir.
Bartlet: And then if you could just ask the Secret Service to step in and kill me, please.
Charlie: Yes, sir.
TV Show: The West Wing
Mrs. Landingham: How are you, Josh?
Josh: I've been subpoenaed.
Mrs. Landingham: Oh, I'm sorry, dear. Would you like a cookie?
Josh: I've been subpoenaed.
Mrs. Landingham: Oh, I'm sorry, dear. Would you like a cookie?
TV Show: The West Wing
Leo: [on Marbury] You're gonna let him loose in the White House, where there's liquor and women?
Bartlet: We can hide the women. But the man deserves a drink.
Bartlet: We can hide the women. But the man deserves a drink.
TV Show: The West Wing
Bartlet: Thank you for coming. How was your flight?
Marbury: Intoxicating.
Leo: So I see.
Marbury: [to Leo] Allow me to present myself...Lord John Marbury, I was summoned by your President.
Leo: Yes. We've met, 10 or 12 times. I'm Leo McGarry.
Marbury: I thought you were the butler.
Leo: No, I'm the White House Chief of Staff.
Marbury: Nonetheless, would you have something with which to light my cigarette?
Leo: No, I'm afraid we don't allow smoking in this part of the world.
Marbury: Really? In this part we encourage it!
Marbury: Intoxicating.
Leo: So I see.
Marbury: [to Leo] Allow me to present myself...Lord John Marbury, I was summoned by your President.
Leo: Yes. We've met, 10 or 12 times. I'm Leo McGarry.
Marbury: I thought you were the butler.
Leo: No, I'm the White House Chief of Staff.
Marbury: Nonetheless, would you have something with which to light my cigarette?
Leo: No, I'm afraid we don't allow smoking in this part of the world.
Marbury: Really? In this part we encourage it!
TV Show: The West Wing
Bartlet: I was watching a television program before, with a kind of roving moderator who spoke to a seated panel of young women who were having some sort of problem with their boyfriends - apparently, because the boyfriends had all slept with the girlfriends' mothers. And they brought the boyfriends out, and they fought, right there on television. Toby, tell me: these people don't vote, do they?
TV Show: The West Wing
Bartlet: We meant 'stronger' here, right?
Sam: What does it say?
Bartlet: I'm proud to report our country's stranger than it was a year ago?
Sam: That's a typo.
Bartlet: Could go either way.
Sam: What does it say?
Bartlet: I'm proud to report our country's stranger than it was a year ago?
Sam: That's a typo.
Bartlet: Could go either way.
TV Show: The West Wing
Donna: So if the Capitol building blows up, the man my country will be looking to is the Secretary of Agriculture?
Josh: It's my country too.
Donna: Yeah, but you'll be dead.
Josh: Which is why I really don't care that much.
Donna: Josh--
Josh: : [Cutting Donna off] Donna, I really don't anticipate the Capitol building exploding.
Donna: What percentage of things exploding have been anticipated?
Josh: Now you're bringing me down.
Donna: I would think so.
Josh: It's my country too.
Donna: Yeah, but you'll be dead.
Josh: Which is why I really don't care that much.
Donna: Josh--
Josh: : [Cutting Donna off] Donna, I really don't anticipate the Capitol building exploding.
Donna: What percentage of things exploding have been anticipated?
Josh: Now you're bringing me down.
Donna: I would think so.
TV Show: The West Wing
Bartlet: [re: soap opera] I don't understand. Don't any of these characters have jobs?
Charlie: I don't know, Mr. President. I think one of them is a surgeon.
Bartlet: They seem to have a lot of free time in the middle of the day.
Charlie: I don't know, Mr. President. I think one of them is a surgeon.
Bartlet: They seem to have a lot of free time in the middle of the day.
TV Show: The West Wing
Bartlet: What's on your mind?
Toby: The era of big government is over.
Bartlet: You want to cut the line?
Toby: I want to change the sentiment. [pause] We're running away from ourselves and I know we can score points that way, I was a principle architect of that campaign strategy right along with you, Josh. But we're here now, tomorrow night we do an immense thing; we have to say what we feel, that government, no matter what it's failures in the past and in times to come for that matter, government can be a place where people come together and where no one gets left behind. No one...gets left behind. An instrument of good.
Toby: The era of big government is over.
Bartlet: You want to cut the line?
Toby: I want to change the sentiment. [pause] We're running away from ourselves and I know we can score points that way, I was a principle architect of that campaign strategy right along with you, Josh. But we're here now, tomorrow night we do an immense thing; we have to say what we feel, that government, no matter what it's failures in the past and in times to come for that matter, government can be a place where people come together and where no one gets left behind. No one...gets left behind. An instrument of good.
TV Show: The West Wing
Josh: We've got a bit of a sticky wicket.
C.J.: Please don't tell me I'm staying here and working late tonight.
Josh: I need you to read a report.
C.J.: I'm a woman in her prime, Josh, I'm a prime woman.
Josh: There's no doubt about it, but I need you to read this anyway.
C.J.: What is it?
Josh: We want Congress to sign off on funds for a hundred thousand new teachers. They say, fine, but you gotta stipulate that in Sex Ed classes....
C.J.: Abstinence only?
Josh: Yes.
C.J.: I would have no trouble passing such a class.
Josh: We commissioned a report about a year ago on Sex Education in public schools, and, well, this is it.
C.J.: What's it say?
Josh: It's not good.
C.J.: How's it not good?
Josh: It says basically that teaching abstinence only doesn't work—that people are going to be prone to have sex whether they're cautioned against it or not.
C.J.: Well, what are they recommending?
Josh: Something called "abstinence plus".
C.J.: Abstinence plus?
Josh: Yes.
C.J.: What's that mean?
Josh: Well, Sam's renamed it 'everything but'.
C.J.: Everything but?
Josh: Yes.
C.J.: Ah.
Josh: Yes.
C.J.: They want teachers to teach...
Josh: Yes.
C.J.: And so the sticky wicket joke was..?
Josh: A regrettable pun. Should I order you some food?
C.J.: Y'know, I can't remember the last time I got home before midnight.
Josh: By the way, pages 27 to 33? A couple of things every girl should know.
C.J.: Get me a salad.
C.J.: Please don't tell me I'm staying here and working late tonight.
Josh: I need you to read a report.
C.J.: I'm a woman in her prime, Josh, I'm a prime woman.
Josh: There's no doubt about it, but I need you to read this anyway.
C.J.: What is it?
Josh: We want Congress to sign off on funds for a hundred thousand new teachers. They say, fine, but you gotta stipulate that in Sex Ed classes....
C.J.: Abstinence only?
Josh: Yes.
C.J.: I would have no trouble passing such a class.
Josh: We commissioned a report about a year ago on Sex Education in public schools, and, well, this is it.
C.J.: What's it say?
Josh: It's not good.
C.J.: How's it not good?
Josh: It says basically that teaching abstinence only doesn't work—that people are going to be prone to have sex whether they're cautioned against it or not.
C.J.: Well, what are they recommending?
Josh: Something called "abstinence plus".
C.J.: Abstinence plus?
Josh: Yes.
C.J.: What's that mean?
Josh: Well, Sam's renamed it 'everything but'.
C.J.: Everything but?
Josh: Yes.
C.J.: Ah.
Josh: Yes.
C.J.: They want teachers to teach...
Josh: Yes.
C.J.: And so the sticky wicket joke was..?
Josh: A regrettable pun. Should I order you some food?
C.J.: Y'know, I can't remember the last time I got home before midnight.
Josh: By the way, pages 27 to 33? A couple of things every girl should know.
C.J.: Get me a salad.
TV Show: The West Wing
Sam: We never have our chats anymore, Toby.
Toby: What chats?
Sam: Our late night chats.
Toby: Did we ever do that?
Sam: No.
Toby: What chats?
Sam: Our late night chats.
Toby: Did we ever do that?
Sam: No.
TV Show: The West Wing
Bartlet: Is Simon Blye coming in to meet with you today?
Leo: How did you know that?
Bartlet: I broke into your secret schedule compartment and took infrared photos with my compact camera.
Leo: How did you know that?
Bartlet: I broke into your secret schedule compartment and took infrared photos with my compact camera.
TV Show: The West Wing
Toby: We're gonna see to all those things. In the meantime, at a time when the public is rightly concerned about the impact of sex and violence on TV this administration is gonna protect the Muppets, we're gonna protect Wall Street Week, we're gonna protect Live From Lincoln Center and by God, we are going to protect Julia Child.
TV Show: The West Wing
Bartlet: Mrs. Landingham.
Mrs. Landingham: Yes sir?
Bartlet: You're not going to believe this but I think I'd actually like a banana.
Mrs. Landingham: I'm afraid not sir, no.
Bartlet: Why not?
Mrs. Landingham: You were offered one earlier, sir, and you were snippy.
Bartlet: I wasn't snippy!
Mrs. Landingham: I'm afraid you were, Mr. President. [looks toward the oval office] C.J.'s waiting, sir.
Bartlet: Thank you, Mrs. Landingham. [To CJ as he enters the Oval Office] She withholds food from me.
Mrs. Landingham: Yes sir?
Bartlet: You're not going to believe this but I think I'd actually like a banana.
Mrs. Landingham: I'm afraid not sir, no.
Bartlet: Why not?
Mrs. Landingham: You were offered one earlier, sir, and you were snippy.
Bartlet: I wasn't snippy!
Mrs. Landingham: I'm afraid you were, Mr. President. [looks toward the oval office] C.J.'s waiting, sir.
Bartlet: Thank you, Mrs. Landingham. [To CJ as he enters the Oval Office] She withholds food from me.
TV Show: The West Wing
Sam: The U.S. is one of five countries on earth that puts to death people who're under the age of 18 when they committed a crime.
Charlie: Nigeria.
Sam: Pakistan.
Charlie: Saudi Arabia and Iran?
Sam: Yeah. So, that's a list we definitely want to be on.
Charlie: Nigeria.
Sam: Pakistan.
Charlie: Saudi Arabia and Iran?
Sam: Yeah. So, that's a list we definitely want to be on.
TV Show: The West Wing
Josh: I can hold my liquor.
Donna: No, you can't.
Josh: I can drink with the best of 'em, Donna.
Donna: You can't drink with any of 'em, Josh.
Josh: I'm a politician, okay? I can drink.
Donna: You have a very sensitive system.
Josh: I wish you'd stop telling people that. It makes me sound like an idiot.
Donna: You're gonna have two drinks and spend the rest of the weekend sleeping it off.
Donna: No, you can't.
Josh: I can drink with the best of 'em, Donna.
Donna: You can't drink with any of 'em, Josh.
Josh: I'm a politician, okay? I can drink.
Donna: You have a very sensitive system.
Josh: I wish you'd stop telling people that. It makes me sound like an idiot.
Donna: You're gonna have two drinks and spend the rest of the weekend sleeping it off.
TV Show: The West Wing
Toby: The Torah doesn't prohibit capital punishment.
Rabbi Glassman: No.
Toby: It says, 'An eye for an eye'.
Rabbi Glassman: You know what it also says? It says a rebellious child can be brought to the city gates and stoned to death. It says homosexuality is an abomination and punishable by death. It says men can be polygamous and slavery is acceptable. For all I know, that thinking reflected the best wisdom of its time, but it's just plain wrong by any modern standard. Society has a right to protect itself, but it doesn't have a right to be vengeful. It has a right to punish, but it doesn't have a right to kill.
Rabbi Glassman: No.
Toby: It says, 'An eye for an eye'.
Rabbi Glassman: You know what it also says? It says a rebellious child can be brought to the city gates and stoned to death. It says homosexuality is an abomination and punishable by death. It says men can be polygamous and slavery is acceptable. For all I know, that thinking reflected the best wisdom of its time, but it's just plain wrong by any modern standard. Society has a right to protect itself, but it doesn't have a right to be vengeful. It has a right to punish, but it doesn't have a right to kill.
TV Show: The West Wing
Rabbi Glassman: Say what you will about the Catholic Church, but their position on life is unimpeachable: no abortion, no death penalty.
Toby: I spent yesterday...
Rabbi Glassman: You spent yesterday hoping the President wouldn't call the Pope.
Toby: You're damn right I did.
Rabbi Glassman: If he had done it, after doing so, the fear of every non-Catholic who voted for him would be realized.
Toby: Congratulations Rabbi Glassman, you may now join the White House communications staff!
Toby: I spent yesterday...
Rabbi Glassman: You spent yesterday hoping the President wouldn't call the Pope.
Toby: You're damn right I did.
Rabbi Glassman: If he had done it, after doing so, the fear of every non-Catholic who voted for him would be realized.
Toby: Congratulations Rabbi Glassman, you may now join the White House communications staff!
TV Show: The West Wing
Bartlet: I know it's hard to believe, but I prayed for wisdom.
Father Cavanaugh: And none came?
Bartlet: It never has. And I'm a little pissed off about that.
Father Cavanaugh: You know, you remind me of the man that lived by the river. He heard a radio report that the river was going to rush up and flood the town. And that all the residents should evacuate their homes. But the man said, “I’m religious. I pray. God loves me. God will save me.”
The waters rose up. A guy in a row boat came along and he shouted, “Hey, hey you! You in there. The town is flooding. Let me take you to safety.” But the man shouted back, “I’m religious. I pray. God loves me. God will save me.”
A helicopter was hovering overhead. And a guy with a megaphone shouted, “Hey you, you down there. The town is flooding. Let me drop this ladder and I’ll take you to safety.” But the man shouted back that he was religious, that he prayed, that God loved him and that God will take him to safety.
Well... the man drowned. And standing at the gates of St. Peter, he demanded an audience with God. “Lord,” he said, “I’m a religious man, I pray. I thought you loved me. Why did this happen?” God said, “I sent you a radio report, a helicopter, and a guy in a rowboat. What the hell are you doing here?” [pause] He sent you a priest, a rabbi, and a Quaker, Mr. President. Not to mention his son, Jesus Christ. What do you want from him?
Father Cavanaugh: And none came?
Bartlet: It never has. And I'm a little pissed off about that.
Father Cavanaugh: You know, you remind me of the man that lived by the river. He heard a radio report that the river was going to rush up and flood the town. And that all the residents should evacuate their homes. But the man said, “I’m religious. I pray. God loves me. God will save me.”
The waters rose up. A guy in a row boat came along and he shouted, “Hey, hey you! You in there. The town is flooding. Let me take you to safety.” But the man shouted back, “I’m religious. I pray. God loves me. God will save me.”
A helicopter was hovering overhead. And a guy with a megaphone shouted, “Hey you, you down there. The town is flooding. Let me drop this ladder and I’ll take you to safety.” But the man shouted back that he was religious, that he prayed, that God loved him and that God will take him to safety.
Well... the man drowned. And standing at the gates of St. Peter, he demanded an audience with God. “Lord,” he said, “I’m a religious man, I pray. I thought you loved me. Why did this happen?” God said, “I sent you a radio report, a helicopter, and a guy in a rowboat. What the hell are you doing here?” [pause] He sent you a priest, a rabbi, and a Quaker, Mr. President. Not to mention his son, Jesus Christ. What do you want from him?
TV Show: The West Wing
C.J.: [knocks on Josh's door] Josh...
Josh: [looks up] What the hell happened?
C.J.: I had woot canal.
Josh: What happened to your cheeks?
C.J.: I had woot canal!
Josh: Why are you talking like that?
C.J.: I had woot canal!
Josh: Yeah, I heard you the first time, I was just amusing myself.
C.J.: I can suggesht some ovva fings you can do wif yourshelf!
Josh: Are you in pain?
C.J.: I HAD WOOT CANAL!
Josh: You're gonna need to stop saying that, 'cause you just look and sound so ridiculous.
Josh: [looks up] What the hell happened?
C.J.: I had woot canal.
Josh: What happened to your cheeks?
C.J.: I had woot canal!
Josh: Why are you talking like that?
C.J.: I had woot canal!
Josh: Yeah, I heard you the first time, I was just amusing myself.
C.J.: I can suggesht some ovva fings you can do wif yourshelf!
Josh: Are you in pain?
C.J.: I HAD WOOT CANAL!
Josh: You're gonna need to stop saying that, 'cause you just look and sound so ridiculous.
TV Show: The West Wing
Josh: You're going to be reading a bit today about your secret plan to fight inflation.
Bartlet: I have a secret plan to fight inflation?
Josh: No.
Bartlet: Why am I going to be reading that I do?
Josh: It was suggested in the press room that you do.
Bartlet: By who?
Josh: By me.
Bartlet: You told the press I have a secret plan to fight inflation?
Josh: No, I did not. Let me be absolutely clear, I did not do that. Except, yes, I did that.
Bartlet: I have a secret plan to fight inflation?
Josh: No.
Bartlet: Why am I going to be reading that I do?
Josh: It was suggested in the press room that you do.
Bartlet: By who?
Josh: By me.
Bartlet: You told the press I have a secret plan to fight inflation?
Josh: No, I did not. Let me be absolutely clear, I did not do that. Except, yes, I did that.
TV Show: The West Wing
Josh: I denied it for half an hour, they wouldn't take no for an answer!
Bartlet: You were clear?
Josh: I was crystal clear! They said, "Do you think that, if the President has a plan to fight inflation, it's right that he keep it a secret?" I said, of course not!
Bartlet: Are you telling me that not only did you invent a secret plan to fight inflation, but now you don't support it?
Bartlet: You were clear?
Josh: I was crystal clear! They said, "Do you think that, if the President has a plan to fight inflation, it's right that he keep it a secret?" I said, of course not!
Bartlet: Are you telling me that not only did you invent a secret plan to fight inflation, but now you don't support it?
TV Show: The West Wing
[Charlie has just entered the President's bedroom.]
Bartlet: Charlie, do you realize you are committing a federal offense right now?
Charlie: I'll take my chances with the feds, sir.
Bartlet: How do you know the First Lady wasn't going to be naked when you came in here? Come to think of it, where the hell is my wife?
Charlie: Argentina, sir.
Bartlet: Oh yeah.
[Bartlet rises groggily]
Bartlet: Have you slept yet?
Charlie: No, sir.
Bartlet: Good.
[Later, at the Oval Office]
Bartlet: I'm tired, I'm cranky, and my wife is in Argentina. Let's get this over with.
Bartlet: Charlie, do you realize you are committing a federal offense right now?
Charlie: I'll take my chances with the feds, sir.
Bartlet: How do you know the First Lady wasn't going to be naked when you came in here? Come to think of it, where the hell is my wife?
Charlie: Argentina, sir.
Bartlet: Oh yeah.
[Bartlet rises groggily]
Bartlet: Have you slept yet?
Charlie: No, sir.
Bartlet: Good.
[Later, at the Oval Office]
Bartlet: I'm tired, I'm cranky, and my wife is in Argentina. Let's get this over with.
TV Show: The West Wing
Leo: He’s driving from Nova Scotia to Washington?
Sam: Yeah.
Leo: How’s a person do that?
Sam: Oh, my guess is, he’ll take the Trans-Canada Highway to New Brunswick, then maybe catch the 1 and take the scenic route along the coast of Maine. 95 through New Hampshire to the Mass Pike, and then cut over to the Merritt Parkway round Milford.
Toby: Something really kinda freakish about you, you know that?
Sam: Yeah.
Leo: How’s a person do that?
Sam: Oh, my guess is, he’ll take the Trans-Canada Highway to New Brunswick, then maybe catch the 1 and take the scenic route along the coast of Maine. 95 through New Hampshire to the Mass Pike, and then cut over to the Merritt Parkway round Milford.
Toby: Something really kinda freakish about you, you know that?
TV Show: The West Wing
Toby: What, I'm not coming in the car?
Bartlet: No, and you know why? Because you made fun of the guacamole.
Toby: I didn't!
Bartlet: I could tell you were thinking it.
Toby: Fair enough.
Bartlet: No, and you know why? Because you made fun of the guacamole.
Toby: I didn't!
Bartlet: I could tell you were thinking it.
Toby: Fair enough.
TV Show: The West Wing