The West Wing Quotes
Sam: You're going back to Smith College, the cradle of feminism, to argue in opposition of the Equal Rights Amendment?
Ainsley: And get some decent pizza, yeah.
Sam: They're gonna hate you.
Ainsley: I'm a straight Republican from North Carolina. You don't think they hated me the first time around?
Ainsley: And get some decent pizza, yeah.
Sam: They're gonna hate you.
Ainsley: I'm a straight Republican from North Carolina. You don't think they hated me the first time around?
TV Show: The West Wing
Sam: I flat-out guarantee you that if men were biologically responsible for procreation, there'd be paid family leave in every Fortune 500.
Ainsley: Sam, if men were biologically responsible for procreation, they'd fall down and die at the first sonogram.
Ainsley: Sam, if men were biologically responsible for procreation, they'd fall down and die at the first sonogram.
TV Show: The West Wing
Sam: So guys, when I was downstairs I made a decision: I'm going to register with the Republican Party. And I'll tell you why, if you're curious. It's because they're a freedom-loving people.
Ainsley: We also like beef.
Sam: You know, you insist that government is depraved for not legislating against what we can see on the newsstands, or what we can see in an art exhibit, or what we can burn in protest, or which sex we're allowed to have sex with, or a woman's right to choose. But don't you dare try to regulate this deadly weapon I have concealed on me, for that would encroach against my freedom.
Ainsley: Yeah, and Democrats believe in free speech as long as it isn't prayer while you're standing in school. You believe in the Freedom of Information Act, except if you want to find out if your 14-year-old daughter has had an abortion.
Sam: We believe in the ERA.
Ainsley: Well, go get them.
Sam: How can you have an objection...
Ainsley: Because it's humiliating! A new amendment we vote on declaring that I'm equal under the law to a man? I am mortified to discover there's reason to believe I wasn't before. I am a citizen of this country. I am not a special subset in need of your protection. I do not have to have my rights handed down to me by a bunch of old, white men. The same Article 14 that protects you, protects me and I went to law school just to make sure. And with that, I'm going back down to the mess, because I thought I may have seen there a peach.
Sam: [to Ed and Larry]: I would have countered that, but I already moved on to other things in my head.
Ainsley: We also like beef.
Sam: You know, you insist that government is depraved for not legislating against what we can see on the newsstands, or what we can see in an art exhibit, or what we can burn in protest, or which sex we're allowed to have sex with, or a woman's right to choose. But don't you dare try to regulate this deadly weapon I have concealed on me, for that would encroach against my freedom.
Ainsley: Yeah, and Democrats believe in free speech as long as it isn't prayer while you're standing in school. You believe in the Freedom of Information Act, except if you want to find out if your 14-year-old daughter has had an abortion.
Sam: We believe in the ERA.
Ainsley: Well, go get them.
Sam: How can you have an objection...
Ainsley: Because it's humiliating! A new amendment we vote on declaring that I'm equal under the law to a man? I am mortified to discover there's reason to believe I wasn't before. I am a citizen of this country. I am not a special subset in need of your protection. I do not have to have my rights handed down to me by a bunch of old, white men. The same Article 14 that protects you, protects me and I went to law school just to make sure. And with that, I'm going back down to the mess, because I thought I may have seen there a peach.
Sam: [to Ed and Larry]: I would have countered that, but I already moved on to other things in my head.
TV Show: The West Wing
Will: I need to see my bed, I'm thinking of carrying a picture of it in my wallet.
TV Show: The West Wing
Bartlet: Toby's concerned that the peaceful solution I brokered in Kashmir last year was the result of a drug-induced haze.
Leo: I was there with him. So was Fitz. So was Cashman, Hutchinson, Berryhill...
Toby: Well, that's fantastic.
Leo: Toby.
Toby: None of you were elected!
Bartlet: I was elected, they were appointed. The Vice President was elected. He has the constitutional authority to assume my--
Toby: Not last May. He didn't last May when you were under general anesthesia.
Bartlet: That's because I never signed the letter, but I don't think I got shot because I got MS.
Toby: No, I don't think you did either, sir. I meant that during a night of extreme chaos and fear when we didn't yet know if we'd been the victims of domestic or foreign terrorism, or even an act of war there was uncertainty as to who was giving the national security orders and it was because you never signed the letter. So I'm led to wonder, given your condition and it’s lack of predictability why there isn’t simply a signed letter sitting in a file someplace. And the answer, of course, is that [chuckles] if there was a-a signed letter sitting in a file someplace, somebody would ask why. The Commander in Chief had just been attacked, he was under a general anesthetic, a fugitive was at large, the manhunt included every federal state and local law enforcement agency. The Virginia, Maryland, New Jersey, Pennsylvania and Delaware National Guard units were federalized. The KH-10s showed Republican Guard movement in southern Iraq. And 12 hours earlier an F-117 was shot down in the no-fly, and the Vice President's authority was murky at best. The National Security Advisor and the Secretary of State didn't know who they were taking their orders from. I wasn't in the Situation Room that night, but I'll bet all the money in my pockets against all the money in your pock
Leo: I was there with him. So was Fitz. So was Cashman, Hutchinson, Berryhill...
Toby: Well, that's fantastic.
Leo: Toby.
Toby: None of you were elected!
Bartlet: I was elected, they were appointed. The Vice President was elected. He has the constitutional authority to assume my--
Toby: Not last May. He didn't last May when you were under general anesthesia.
Bartlet: That's because I never signed the letter, but I don't think I got shot because I got MS.
Toby: No, I don't think you did either, sir. I meant that during a night of extreme chaos and fear when we didn't yet know if we'd been the victims of domestic or foreign terrorism, or even an act of war there was uncertainty as to who was giving the national security orders and it was because you never signed the letter. So I'm led to wonder, given your condition and it’s lack of predictability why there isn’t simply a signed letter sitting in a file someplace. And the answer, of course, is that [chuckles] if there was a-a signed letter sitting in a file someplace, somebody would ask why. The Commander in Chief had just been attacked, he was under a general anesthetic, a fugitive was at large, the manhunt included every federal state and local law enforcement agency. The Virginia, Maryland, New Jersey, Pennsylvania and Delaware National Guard units were federalized. The KH-10s showed Republican Guard movement in southern Iraq. And 12 hours earlier an F-117 was shot down in the no-fly, and the Vice President's authority was murky at best. The National Security Advisor and the Secretary of State didn't know who they were taking their orders from. I wasn't in the Situation Room that night, but I'll bet all the money in my pockets against all the money in your pock
TV Show: The West Wing
Josh: Hey, Ado Annie, I sent you flowers. I think what you're trying to say is, "Why thank you, Josh, they're beautiful, how very thoughful of you."
Donna: Really? 'Cause I think what I was trying to say was "Shove it."
Donna: Really? 'Cause I think what I was trying to say was "Shove it."
TV Show: The West Wing
Bartlet: [on Babish] He looks down his nose at me 'cause I'm not a lawyer.
Leo: Yes.
Bartlet: I didn't go to law school. I got a PhD in economics instead.
Leo: Your parents were very proud.
Bartlet: Yeah, and all that happened was I won a Nobel Prize and got elected President so I guess that decision didn't really pay off.
Leo: Yeah.
Bartlet: Should I run back and get my Nobel Prize?
Leo: I think he knows you've got one.
Leo: Yes.
Bartlet: I didn't go to law school. I got a PhD in economics instead.
Leo: Your parents were very proud.
Bartlet: Yeah, and all that happened was I won a Nobel Prize and got elected President so I guess that decision didn't really pay off.
Leo: Yeah.
Bartlet: Should I run back and get my Nobel Prize?
Leo: I think he knows you've got one.
TV Show: The West Wing
Josh: The number of people whose permission I need before I can do whatever the hell I want... Let me tell you something - there's really a lot to be said for fascism.
TV Show: The West Wing
Sam: I'm less visually observant than others but I make up for it.
Emily: How?
Sam: With cunning and guile.
Emily: How?
Sam: With cunning and guile.
TV Show: The West Wing
Josh: You got a phone call while you were in there.
Donna: From who?
Josh: Europe, in 1939.
Donna: Yeah?
Josh: Yeah, I jotted it down. Apparently, they're at war, but we'd taken a firm stand as an isolationist nation and refused to get involved. Our resources are ours, and their problems are on the other side of the world, though, they do have problems. Sounds to me from what they said on the phone that France, Austria, and England are getting absolutely pounded by the Germans and with no end in sight. They say that by 1941 they're gonna desperately need our help if they have any chance of survival, but I think they're just being hysterical. This son of a customs agent with the Charlie Chaplin mustache ain't going anywhere, but there's no telling that to Franklin Roosevelt, who's trying to convince his country to get involved. That's why he came up with this.
Donna: An eighth-grade social studies textbook?
Josh: Turn to the page I flagged.
Donna: The Lend-Lease Act.
Josh: Yeah. Simply put, a loan of arms to Russia and Britain with the understanding that they pay us back when the war was over. And he said this - he said, "If your neighbor's house is on fire, you don't haggle over the price of your garden hose." ... There are too many things in the world we can't do. Mexico's on fire. Why help them? Because we can.
Donna: From who?
Josh: Europe, in 1939.
Donna: Yeah?
Josh: Yeah, I jotted it down. Apparently, they're at war, but we'd taken a firm stand as an isolationist nation and refused to get involved. Our resources are ours, and their problems are on the other side of the world, though, they do have problems. Sounds to me from what they said on the phone that France, Austria, and England are getting absolutely pounded by the Germans and with no end in sight. They say that by 1941 they're gonna desperately need our help if they have any chance of survival, but I think they're just being hysterical. This son of a customs agent with the Charlie Chaplin mustache ain't going anywhere, but there's no telling that to Franklin Roosevelt, who's trying to convince his country to get involved. That's why he came up with this.
Donna: An eighth-grade social studies textbook?
Josh: Turn to the page I flagged.
Donna: The Lend-Lease Act.
Josh: Yeah. Simply put, a loan of arms to Russia and Britain with the understanding that they pay us back when the war was over. And he said this - he said, "If your neighbor's house is on fire, you don't haggle over the price of your garden hose." ... There are too many things in the world we can't do. Mexico's on fire. Why help them? Because we can.
TV Show: The West Wing
C.J.: There is no group of people this large in the world that can keep a secret. I find it comforting. It's how I know for sure that the government isn't covering up aliens in New Mexico.
TV Show: The West Wing
C.J.: You guys are like Butch and Sundance peering over the edge of a cliff to the boulder-filled rapids 300 feet below, thinking you better not jump 'cause there's a chance you might drown. The President has this disease and has been lying about it, and you guys are worried that the polling might make us look bad? It's the fall that's gonna kill ya.
TV Show: The West Wing
Josh: I told her we were commissioning a poll to explore attitudes towards subsurface agricultural products.
Leo: Subsurface agricultural - What the hell?
Josh: Underground. We think Americans are eating more beets.
Leo: Subsurface agricultural - What the hell?
Josh: Underground. We think Americans are eating more beets.
TV Show: The West Wing
Donna: A thing the size of a garbage truck is gonna be in a two-thousand-mile-an-hour free fall and no one knows where it's gonna hit!
Charlie: I'm rooting for Zurich.
Donna: Charlie?
Charlie: I've had it up to here with the Swiss.
Charlie: I'm rooting for Zurich.
Donna: Charlie?
Charlie: I've had it up to here with the Swiss.
TV Show: The West Wing
Bartlet: My wife and I are fighting battles on several fronts, including with each other.
TV Show: The West Wing
Josh: Are you saying that people who start smoking and get addicted to nicotine are too stupid to live?
Senator Rossitter: No, I'm saying they're too stupid to be protected by the courts.
Senator Rossitter: No, I'm saying they're too stupid to be protected by the courts.
TV Show: The West Wing
Mrs. Landingham: Good evening, Mr. President.
Bartlet: Bob Crutchet?
Mrs. Landingham: Oh, sir. Surely you have better things to do than annoy me.
Bartlet: Never.
Bartlet: Bob Crutchet?
Mrs. Landingham: Oh, sir. Surely you have better things to do than annoy me.
Bartlet: Never.
TV Show: The West Wing
Mrs. Landingham: You know I could beat you up anytime I want, sir.
Bartlet: Secret Service would have you down like a calf at a rodeo.
Bartlet: Secret Service would have you down like a calf at a rodeo.
TV Show: The West Wing
Mrs. Landingham: [on her new car] When you get inside, there's this...
Bartlet: Smell?
Mrs. Landingham: How did you know?
Bartlet: It's the smell of freedom... and the chemicals they treat your dashboard with.
Bartlet: Smell?
Mrs. Landingham: How did you know?
Bartlet: It's the smell of freedom... and the chemicals they treat your dashboard with.
TV Show: The West Wing
Leo: We're not going to stop, soften, detour, postpone, circumvent, obfuscate or trade a single one of our goals to allow for whatever extracurricular nonsense is coming our way in the next days, weeks and months.
Toby: When did we decide this?
Leo: Just now.
Toby: When did we decide this?
Leo: Just now.
TV Show: The West Wing
[Flashback]
Young Bartlet: Why do you talk to me like this?
Mrs Landingham: You've never had a big sister and you need one. Look at you. You're a Boy King. You're a foot smarter than the smartest kid in the class. You're blessed with inspiration. You must know this by now. You must have sensed it. Look, if you think we're wrong... if you think Mr. Hopkins should honestly get paid more than Mrs. Chadwick, then I respect that. But if you think we're right and you won't speak up because you can't be bothered, then God, Jed, I don't even want to know you.
Young Bartlet: Why do you talk to me like this?
Mrs Landingham: You've never had a big sister and you need one. Look at you. You're a Boy King. You're a foot smarter than the smartest kid in the class. You're blessed with inspiration. You must know this by now. You must have sensed it. Look, if you think we're wrong... if you think Mr. Hopkins should honestly get paid more than Mrs. Chadwick, then I respect that. But if you think we're right and you won't speak up because you can't be bothered, then God, Jed, I don't even want to know you.
TV Show: The West Wing
Bartlet: [standing in the National Cathedral, walking towards the altar and talking to God about Mrs. Landingham] You're a son-of-a-bitch, You know that? She bought her first new car and You hit her with a drunk driver. What, was that supposed to be funny? "You can't conceive, nor can I, the appalling strangeness of the mercy of God," says Graham Greene. I don't know whose ass he was kissing there 'cause I think You're just vindictive. What was Josh Lyman? A warning shot? That was my son. What did I ever do to Yours except praise His glory and praise His name? There's a tropical storm that's gaining speed and power. They say we haven't had a storm this bad since You took out that tender ship of mine in the north Atlantic last year, 68 crew. Do You know what a tender ship does? Fixes the other ships. Doesn't even carry guns, just goes around, fixes the other ships and delivers the mail, that's all it can do. Gratias Tibi ago, domine (I give thanks to You, O Lord). Yes, I lied. It was a sin. I've committed many sins. Have I displeased You, You feckless thug? Three point eight million new jobs, that wasn't good? Bailed out Mexico, increased foreign trade, 30 million new acres of land for conservation, put Mendoza on the bench, we're not fighting a war, I've raised three children... that's not enough to buy me out of the doghouse? Haec credam a deo pio? A deo iusto? A deo scito? Cruciatus in crucem! Tuus in terra servus nuntius fui officium perfeci. Cruciatus in crucem. Eas in crucem! (Am I to believe those were the acts of a loving God? A just God? A wise God? To hell with Your punishments! I was Your servant on Earth - I spread Your word and did Your work. To hell with your punishments! To hell with You!) [walks away from the altar, lights a cigarette, takes one puff, throws it to the ground, puts it out with his foot and proceeds to leave] You get Hoynes!
TV Show: The West Wing
C.J.: We'll call them Answer A and Answer B.
Josh: Yeah.
C.J. Mr. President does this mean you won't be seeking a second term? Answer A is 'You bet. I will absolutely be seeking a second term. I'm looking forward to the campaign. There is great work that is yet to be done.'
Josh: Yes.
C.J.: Answer B...
Josh: 'Are you out of your mind? I can't possibly win re-election. I lied about a degenerative illness. I'm the target of a Grand Jury investigation and Congress is about to take me out to lunch. I'd sooner have my family take their clothes off and dance the Tarantella on the Truman Balcony than go through a campaign with this around my neck.' [pause] You think that's too on the nose?
C.J.: I do.
Josh: Yeah.
C.J. Mr. President does this mean you won't be seeking a second term? Answer A is 'You bet. I will absolutely be seeking a second term. I'm looking forward to the campaign. There is great work that is yet to be done.'
Josh: Yes.
C.J.: Answer B...
Josh: 'Are you out of your mind? I can't possibly win re-election. I lied about a degenerative illness. I'm the target of a Grand Jury investigation and Congress is about to take me out to lunch. I'd sooner have my family take their clothes off and dance the Tarantella on the Truman Balcony than go through a campaign with this around my neck.' [pause] You think that's too on the nose?
C.J.: I do.
TV Show: The West Wing
[Bartlet stands alone in the Oval Office, in the middle of a raging storm. The back door suddenly flies open]
Bartlet: God damn it...Mrs. Landingham!
[Mrs. Landingham suddenly walks through the main door of the Oval Office]
Mrs. Landingham: I really wish you wouldn't shout, Mr. President.
[Bartlet stares at her for a few seconds]
Bartlet: The door keeps blowing open.
Mrs. Landingham: You could have used the intercom to call me, you know.
Bartlet: I know, but I didn't want to-
Mrs. Landingham: You didn't want to, or you didn't know how?
Bartlet: It's not that I don't know how. It's just that I haven't learned yet.
[Pause. Mrs. Landingham smiles at him]
Bartlett: I have MS, and I didn't tell anybody.
Mrs. Landingham: Yeah. So, you're having a little bit of a day.
Bartlett: You're going to make jokes?
Mrs. Landingham: God doesn't make cars crash and you know it. Stop using me as an excuse.
Bartlett: The Party's not going to want me to run.
Mrs. Landingham: The Party'll come back. You'll get them back.
Bartlett: I've got a secret for you, Mrs. Landingham, I've never been the most popular man in the Democratic Party.
Mrs. Landingham: I've got a secret for you, Mr. President. Your father was a prick who could never get over the fact that he wasn't as smart as his brothers. Are you in a tough spot? Yes. Do I feel sorry for you? I do not. Because there are people way worse off than you.
Bartlett: Give me numbers.
Mrs. Landingham: I don't know numbers. You give them to me.
Bartlett: How about a child born this minute has one in five chances of being born into poverty?
Mrs. Landingham: How many Americans don't have health insurance?
Bartl
Bartlet: God damn it...Mrs. Landingham!
[Mrs. Landingham suddenly walks through the main door of the Oval Office]
Mrs. Landingham: I really wish you wouldn't shout, Mr. President.
[Bartlet stares at her for a few seconds]
Bartlet: The door keeps blowing open.
Mrs. Landingham: You could have used the intercom to call me, you know.
Bartlet: I know, but I didn't want to-
Mrs. Landingham: You didn't want to, or you didn't know how?
Bartlet: It's not that I don't know how. It's just that I haven't learned yet.
[Pause. Mrs. Landingham smiles at him]
Bartlett: I have MS, and I didn't tell anybody.
Mrs. Landingham: Yeah. So, you're having a little bit of a day.
Bartlett: You're going to make jokes?
Mrs. Landingham: God doesn't make cars crash and you know it. Stop using me as an excuse.
Bartlett: The Party's not going to want me to run.
Mrs. Landingham: The Party'll come back. You'll get them back.
Bartlett: I've got a secret for you, Mrs. Landingham, I've never been the most popular man in the Democratic Party.
Mrs. Landingham: I've got a secret for you, Mr. President. Your father was a prick who could never get over the fact that he wasn't as smart as his brothers. Are you in a tough spot? Yes. Do I feel sorry for you? I do not. Because there are people way worse off than you.
Bartlett: Give me numbers.
Mrs. Landingham: I don't know numbers. You give them to me.
Bartlett: How about a child born this minute has one in five chances of being born into poverty?
Mrs. Landingham: How many Americans don't have health insurance?
Bartl
TV Show: The West Wing
Sandy: Mr. President, can you tell us right now if you'll be seeking a second term?
Bartlet: I'm sorry, Sandy, there was a bit of noise there, could you repeat the question?
Sandy: Can you tell us right now if you'll be seeking a second term?
[Bartlet slides his hands off the podium, puts them in his pockets, looks away and smiles]
Leo: Watch this...
Bartlet: I'm sorry, Sandy, there was a bit of noise there, could you repeat the question?
Sandy: Can you tell us right now if you'll be seeking a second term?
[Bartlet slides his hands off the podium, puts them in his pockets, looks away and smiles]
Leo: Watch this...
TV Show: The West Wing
Josh: What's Islamic extremism? It's strict adherence to a particular interpretation of 7th century Islamic law as practiced by the prophet Mohammed, and when I say "strict adherence," I'm not kidding around. Men are forced to pray, wear their beards a certain length. Among my favorites is there's only one acceptable cheer at a soccer match: 'Allah-uh-Akbar.' "God is great." If your guys are getting creamed, then you're on your own. Things are a lot less comic for women, who aren't allowed to attend school or have jobs. They're not allowed to be unaccompanied, and oftentimes get publicly stoned to death for crimes like not wearing a veil. I don't have to tell you they don't need to shout at a soccer match because they're never going to go to one. So what bothers them about us? Well, the variety of cheers alone coming from the cheap seats at Giants stadium when they're playing the Cowboys is enough for a jihad, to say nothing of street corners lined church next to synagogue, next to mosque, newspapers that can print anything they want, women who can do anything they want including taking a rocket ship to outer space, vote, and play soccer. This is a plural society. That means we accept more than one idea. It offends them... You want to get these people? I mean, you really want to reach in and kill them where they live? Keep accepting more than one idea. It makes them absolutely crazy.
TV Show: The West Wing
Toby: When you think of Afghanistan, think of Poland. When you think of the Taliban, think of the Nazis. When you think of the citizens of Afghanistan, think of the Jews in concentration camps. A friend of my dad's was at one of the camps. He used to come over to the house, and he and my dad used to shoot some pinochle. He said he once saw a guy at the camp kneeling and praying. He said, "What are you doing?" The guy said he was thanking God. And my dad's friend said, "What could you possibly be thanking God for?" He said, "I'm thanking God for not making me like them." Bad people can't be recognized on sight. There's no point in trying.
TV Show: The West Wing
Sam: Nobody got hurt at the Boston Tea Party. The only people that got hurt were some fancy boys who didn't have anything to wash down their crumpets with. We jumped out from behind bushes, while the British came down the road in their bright red jackets, but never has a war been so courteously declared. It was on parchment with calligraphy and "Your highness, we beseech you on this day in Philadelphia to bite me, if you please."
TV Show: The West Wing
Bartlet: A martyr would rather suffer death at the hands of an oppressor than renounce his beliefs. Killing yourself and innocent people to make a point is sick, twisted, brutal, dumb-ass murder. And let me leave you with this thought before I go searching for the apples that were rightfully mine: we don't need martyrs right now. We need heroes. A hero would die for his country but he'd much rather live for it.
TV Show: The West Wing