The Whitest Kids U'Know Quotes
Angry Mormon Father: [constantly shouting] Timothy! Come here!
Timothy the Mormon Manchild: Yes, father.
Petrified Mormon Mother: Timothy, your father and I...
Angry Mormon Father: SHOOSH! Timothy, your mother and I are going to the opera tonight! Now, I know that before today you have been left in the charge of a BABYSITTER!
Timothy the Mormon Manchild: [nods] Yes.
Angry Mormon Father: However, today is your thirteenth birthday!
Timothy the Mormon Manchild: It is? What day is it? Let me write it down.
Angry Mormon Father: Timmy, SHOOSH! Now, since you are 13 years old, your mother and I... [he puts his arm on her shoulder; she yelps]
Angry Mormon Father: Your mother and I have decided to leave you alone tonight! I have left the number of the *theater* on the *refrigerator*, I have informed our neighbor, Mr. *Gludge*, that you will be left unattended! Should *any* emergencies arise, you are to go *directly* to him! We will return at 11: 30! I expect you in BED, ASLEEP. TEETH. CLEANED. HOMEWORK. DONE!
Petrified Mormon Mother: [murmurs incoherently]
Angry Mormon Father: SHOOSH! Now, Timothy, since you are 13 years old, I shall now touch you for the first time physically, in the form of a handshake. [they touch hands]
Timothy the Mormon Manchild: Wow, my father's hand! It feels just like I thought it would!
Angry Mormon Father: Happy birthday, son.
Timothy the Mormon Manchild: Thank you, sir!
Timothy the Mormon Manchild: Yes, father.
Petrified Mormon Mother: Timothy, your father and I...
Angry Mormon Father: SHOOSH! Timothy, your mother and I are going to the opera tonight! Now, I know that before today you have been left in the charge of a BABYSITTER!
Timothy the Mormon Manchild: [nods] Yes.
Angry Mormon Father: However, today is your thirteenth birthday!
Timothy the Mormon Manchild: It is? What day is it? Let me write it down.
Angry Mormon Father: Timmy, SHOOSH! Now, since you are 13 years old, your mother and I... [he puts his arm on her shoulder; she yelps]
Angry Mormon Father: Your mother and I have decided to leave you alone tonight! I have left the number of the *theater* on the *refrigerator*, I have informed our neighbor, Mr. *Gludge*, that you will be left unattended! Should *any* emergencies arise, you are to go *directly* to him! We will return at 11: 30! I expect you in BED, ASLEEP. TEETH. CLEANED. HOMEWORK. DONE!
Petrified Mormon Mother: [murmurs incoherently]
Angry Mormon Father: SHOOSH! Now, Timothy, since you are 13 years old, I shall now touch you for the first time physically, in the form of a handshake. [they touch hands]
Timothy the Mormon Manchild: Wow, my father's hand! It feels just like I thought it would!
Angry Mormon Father: Happy birthday, son.
Timothy the Mormon Manchild: Thank you, sir!
Movie: The Whitest Kids U'Know
Captain: Firing squad; each of you has been handed a rifle. In only one of these rifles is there an actual bullet. This is so that no one will know who actually fires the shot, and no one will have to bear the weight of guilt on their conscience. Understood?
Squad Member 2, Squad Member 1: Aye.
Captain: Alright. Now on my mark, you will aim at the criminal, and fire.
Prisoner: IF YOU DARE!
Captain: Shut up! Alright. Ready? Aim! Fire! [three shots are sounded, but none hit the prisoner]
Captain: Okay, nobody hit him. You have to aim, alright? Whoever has the bullet didn't hit him. Don't assume you don't have the bullet, you still have to aim.
Squad Member 2, Squad Member 1: I did! I was aiming! [ect]
Captain: Well, aim better. Robertson? Paying attention?
Squad Member 2: Hey, why'd you single me out?
Captain: No reason.
Squad Member 2: I have the bullet, don't I?
Captain: I didn't say that...
Squad Member 2: Well, I'm glad I didn't aim, I can't bear that guilt!
Captain: Oh! ...gimme the guns back. I'm shuffling the guns, that way we don't know who has what gun, it's all gonna be shuffled, alright? Here's your guns.
Squad Member 1: [points at Squad Member 1's gun] It's that one. I watched.
Captain: ...gimmie the guns back. Alright, don't watch this time! I'm shuffling where no one can see me.
Prisoner: You men, free me and tie him to the post! And I shall make thee kings!
Captain: Shut up! Alright, here's your guns. Now - [Squad Member 1 looks in
Squad Member 2, Squad Member 1: Aye.
Captain: Alright. Now on my mark, you will aim at the criminal, and fire.
Prisoner: IF YOU DARE!
Captain: Shut up! Alright. Ready? Aim! Fire! [three shots are sounded, but none hit the prisoner]
Captain: Okay, nobody hit him. You have to aim, alright? Whoever has the bullet didn't hit him. Don't assume you don't have the bullet, you still have to aim.
Squad Member 2, Squad Member 1: I did! I was aiming! [ect]
Captain: Well, aim better. Robertson? Paying attention?
Squad Member 2: Hey, why'd you single me out?
Captain: No reason.
Squad Member 2: I have the bullet, don't I?
Captain: I didn't say that...
Squad Member 2: Well, I'm glad I didn't aim, I can't bear that guilt!
Captain: Oh! ...gimme the guns back. I'm shuffling the guns, that way we don't know who has what gun, it's all gonna be shuffled, alright? Here's your guns.
Squad Member 1: [points at Squad Member 1's gun] It's that one. I watched.
Captain: ...gimmie the guns back. Alright, don't watch this time! I'm shuffling where no one can see me.
Prisoner: You men, free me and tie him to the post! And I shall make thee kings!
Captain: Shut up! Alright, here's your guns. Now - [Squad Member 1 looks in
Movie: The Whitest Kids U'Know