Titus Quotes
Titus: In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake, and a party. In my family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment, and destruction of private property.
TV Show: Titus
Titus: Dad has found a new way to screw with me. He told me he was "proud" of me.
Erin: Well it's about time he said that. You're great at what you do!
Dave: He got to her!
Titus: Dave, she likes me.
Dave: [slyly] Oh, right.
Erin: Well it's about time he said that. You're great at what you do!
Dave: He got to her!
Titus: Dave, she likes me.
Dave: [slyly] Oh, right.
TV Show: Titus
[After Ken's arrest for DWI, which occurred while he was driving his newly-customized pickup truck.]
Ken: You built me a cop magnet! I might as well be a black guy driving a large powdered doughnut!
Ken: You built me a cop magnet! I might as well be a black guy driving a large powdered doughnut!
TV Show: Titus
Erin: Christopher, do you think we're doing the right thing? This place is like a prison.
Titus: Well, Mom is like a criminal.
Titus: Well, Mom is like a criminal.
TV Show: Titus
[The hospital doctors want to begin Juanita's hearing without Ken.]
Juanita: He's probably stuck in traffic.
Titus: [accusingly] Or in a mason jar.
Dave: Or something you put jam in!
[Titus stares at Dave.]
Titus: Like a mason jar.
Juanita: He's probably stuck in traffic.
Titus: [accusingly] Or in a mason jar.
Dave: Or something you put jam in!
[Titus stares at Dave.]
Titus: Like a mason jar.
TV Show: Titus
[at the hospital, after the Tituses and Fitzpatricks got into a Thanksgiving family fued]
Titus: Oh, Kathy, I'm so glad you're here. That's how much pain I'm in.
Titus: Oh, Kathy, I'm so glad you're here. That's how much pain I'm in.
TV Show: Titus
[Titus has shrieked after having his shoulder re-located]
Dave: Titus, this place is freaking me out. Did you just hear that little girl scream?
Titus: [scoffing] Yeah, what's her deal?
Dave: Titus, this place is freaking me out. Did you just hear that little girl scream?
Titus: [scoffing] Yeah, what's her deal?
TV Show: Titus
Dave: Here's what you do. You give her a fish with a note attached that says "Life stinks without you." You stuff it with chick stuff like little soaps. But erotically-shaped little soaps. Otherwise she might think it's a let's-be-friends fish.
TV Show: Titus
[Tommy has misinterpreted Titus' instructions about running into an ex-girlfriend.]
Tommy: You said make it look like an accident!
Titus: [incredulous] Not a car accident! Who are you? Dave?
Dave: Yeah, dumbass.
Tommy: You said make it look like an accident!
Titus: [incredulous] Not a car accident! Who are you? Dave?
Dave: Yeah, dumbass.
TV Show: Titus
Ken: Choose. Who do you want in your life, her or me?
Titus: I don't have to choose between you. I'm not 5... 7, 12, or 16 any more.
Titus: I don't have to choose between you. I'm not 5... 7, 12, or 16 any more.
TV Show: Titus
[Juanita's fiancee Bill is analyzing the Titus family]
Ken: He sounds like some dime store shrink!
Bill: Stanford, actually.
Ken: He sounds like some dime store shrink!
Bill: Stanford, actually.
TV Show: Titus
Titus: Normal people see a bridge spanning a 1500 foot gorge and think, "What a beautiful architectural achievement." Screwed-up people see the same bridge and think, "Oh, I gotta jump off of that!" With a parachute. I'm not an idiot.
TV Show: Titus
Titus: Okay, what's the record?
Dave: (through his headgear) Fifteen stairs!
Titus: What?
Dave: Fifteen stairs!
Titus: All right, fifteen stairs! Go! (Dave pushes the cart) Woo-hoo!
Dave: Yeah! (loud crash, Titus groans) Oh my God, Titus! Your head is touching your butt!
Titus: I can hear the ocean.
Dave: (through his headgear) Fifteen stairs!
Titus: What?
Dave: Fifteen stairs!
Titus: All right, fifteen stairs! Go! (Dave pushes the cart) Woo-hoo!
Dave: Yeah! (loud crash, Titus groans) Oh my God, Titus! Your head is touching your butt!
Titus: I can hear the ocean.
TV Show: Titus
Erin: Christopher, you know how some girls have dreams about being beauty queens, or astronauts, or doctors?
Titus: No.
Erin: My dream was always to be the only girl in my family... to never get arrested.
Titus: No.
Erin: My dream was always to be the only girl in my family... to never get arrested.
TV Show: Titus
[Titus is showing Kathy the video of Ken's drunk driving arrest.]
Titus: Has anyone ever seen a cop that pissed off?
[Dave proudly raises his hand.]
Titus: Besides Dave?
Titus: Has anyone ever seen a cop that pissed off?
[Dave proudly raises his hand.]
Titus: Besides Dave?
TV Show: Titus
[Titus has lost his business and kicked Erin out.]
Ken All of this crap is going to work out. You've just got to quit being a wussy!
Ken All of this crap is going to work out. You've just got to quit being a wussy!
TV Show: Titus
Titus: I do a lot of crazy things when I'm drunk.
Erin: I'm in a sack.
TitusAnd when I'm sober!
Erin: I'm in a sack.
TitusAnd when I'm sober!
TV Show: Titus
[Titus has put Erin in a sack]
Tommy: I'm letting her out.
Titus: Go ahead.
Tommy: OWWW!
Titus: She might bite you.
Tommy: I'm letting her out.
Titus: Go ahead.
Tommy: OWWW!
Titus: She might bite you.
TV Show: Titus
[Spotting a hitchhiker]
Titus: It's 1 am in the morning[sic] in the desert. She's either a werewolf or an alien.
Ken: Maybe she came to our planet to see if there's life in my pants!
Titus: It's 1 am in the morning[sic] in the desert. She's either a werewolf or an alien.
Ken: Maybe she came to our planet to see if there's life in my pants!
TV Show: Titus
[Having been tricked by Erin into spending time together, Titus and Ken plot on how to pay her back.]
Titus: What's the worst thing you can do to a pretty woman?
Ken: Throw hot acid in her face.
[Titus spit-takes his coffee.]
Titus: Dad, more practical joke, less lifetime deformity.
Ken: I was talking hypothetically! I love Erin!
Titus: What's the worst thing you can do to a pretty woman?
Ken: Throw hot acid in her face.
[Titus spit-takes his coffee.]
Titus: Dad, more practical joke, less lifetime deformity.
Ken: I was talking hypothetically! I love Erin!
TV Show: Titus
Ken Titus: Hey! Don't you ever call me again and tell me that you love me and you forgive me!
Christopher: Hi, Dad.
Ken Titus: I would rather a highway patrol officer show up on my doorstep with your head in a bag!
Christopher: Hi, Dad.
Ken Titus: I would rather a highway patrol officer show up on my doorstep with your head in a bag!
TV Show: Titus
Jerry October: Welcome to Life Forward, where people discover what holds them back in life.
Ken Titus: All these people have kids?
Ken Titus: All these people have kids?
TV Show: Titus
Jerry October: Dave, why don't you tell us what you really want?
Dave: (sobbing) But I told you! I want to be bitten by a radioactive spider and get super powers!
Dave: (sobbing) But I told you! I want to be bitten by a radioactive spider and get super powers!
TV Show: Titus
[Titus learns that Erin has been working as a waitress in a strip club.]
Titus: Why didn't you drag her out of there?
Ken: You don't drag a woman out of a strip club! You put a twenty in your zipper and you back out, slowly.
Titus: Why didn't you drag her out of there?
Ken: You don't drag a woman out of a strip club! You put a twenty in your zipper and you back out, slowly.
TV Show: Titus
Titus: Dad, you know she can't work in a place like that. You should have done something.
Ken: All right, how much?
Titus: Something. Anything. Just get her the hell out of there.
Ken: Numbnuts, how much money do you want to keep her from working there?
Titus: "Numbuts"?
Ken: Erin is not going to work at that bar! I don't want to have to check every waitress' face before I pinch her behind. [opens his checkbook] Three grand?
Titus: What?
Ken: Five grand.
Titus: You know, you're amazing? My business is going under, you won't lend me money. I start drinking again, you don't lend me money. But my girlfriend makes you uncomfortable about staring at the nipples of disturbed ex-cheerleaders, and all of sudden you're willing to fork over five grand? Well, you know something, dad? I'll take it!
Ken: All right, how much?
Titus: Something. Anything. Just get her the hell out of there.
Ken: Numbnuts, how much money do you want to keep her from working there?
Titus: "Numbuts"?
Ken: Erin is not going to work at that bar! I don't want to have to check every waitress' face before I pinch her behind. [opens his checkbook] Three grand?
Titus: What?
Ken: Five grand.
Titus: You know, you're amazing? My business is going under, you won't lend me money. I start drinking again, you don't lend me money. But my girlfriend makes you uncomfortable about staring at the nipples of disturbed ex-cheerleaders, and all of sudden you're willing to fork over five grand? Well, you know something, dad? I'll take it!
TV Show: Titus
Tommy: It's Amy! Well, well, someone's turning into a woman!
Amy: Yeah. And I'm looking at her.
Amy: Yeah. And I'm looking at her.
TV Show: Titus