Titus Quotes
Titus: Dave, thank God you're not dead!
Dave: Well, no thanks to you. I was supposed to kill myself an hour ago.
Titus: I just got your suicide note. Maybe next time you shouldn't mail it!
Dave: Well, no thanks to you. I was supposed to kill myself an hour ago.
Titus: I just got your suicide note. Maybe next time you shouldn't mail it!
TV Show: Titus
[After throwing Titus through a window]
Sgt. Gordon: Maybe you should join the Air Force now that you know how to fly.
Sgt. Gordon: Maybe you should join the Air Force now that you know how to fly.
TV Show: Titus
Michael: This will be my third strike.
Erin: He'll go to prison for the rest of his life!
Titus: Get to the bad part!
Erin: He'll go to prison for the rest of his life!
Titus: Get to the bad part!
TV Show: Titus
Cop: We found this guy outside, hiding in a bush.
Dave: Please tell they didn't find my secret stash of weed!
Titus: Dave!
Dave: I mean, my secret stash of... pot.
Dave: Please tell they didn't find my secret stash of weed!
Titus: Dave!
Dave: I mean, my secret stash of... pot.
TV Show: Titus
Ken: Your driver is launching cock-eyed. You might want to have a talk with him instead of looking at the headlines for typos.
Jay Leno: That was very funny. Are you a Nielsen box?
Ken: No.
Jay Leno: Then shut up, then!
Jay Leno: That was very funny. Are you a Nielsen box?
Ken: No.
Jay Leno: Then shut up, then!
TV Show: Titus
Christopher: People on TV suck. If you ever meet somebody from TV, I want you to punch them right in the face. It'll probably get you on TV.
TV Show: Titus
Erin: You taught [Christopher] how to swim by chucking him in a lake. You taught him not to stick his finger in a light socket by letting him stick is finger in a light socket! You let a car fall on him; I still don't know what that taught him.
Ken Titus: Cars are heavy.
Erin: Everybody knows that!
Ken Titus: So does he, thanks to me!
Ken Titus: Cars are heavy.
Erin: Everybody knows that!
Ken Titus: So does he, thanks to me!
TV Show: Titus
Titus: Where's my tux?
Tommy: Somebody's bringing it.
Titus: "Somebody" who?
Tommy: Nobody. Dave.
Titus: No!
Tommy: Somebody's bringing it.
Titus: "Somebody" who?
Tommy: Nobody. Dave.
Titus: No!
TV Show: Titus
Bill: Where is all of this anger coming from?
Titus: Well, some of it's from my childhood. But a little of it is from you punching my mom in the face!
Titus: Well, some of it's from my childhood. But a little of it is from you punching my mom in the face!
TV Show: Titus
Ken: What's your hurry? Your fifteen kids will still be waiting for you when you get home.
Castro: [sarcastically] Si, señor. But first I have to go feed the donkey, put on a big sombrero and fall asleep underneath a tree. [back to normal] You racist Irish drunk. [Castro and his team walk off.]
Ken: Now that's my kind of Mexican!
Castro: [sarcastically] Si, señor. But first I have to go feed the donkey, put on a big sombrero and fall asleep underneath a tree. [back to normal] You racist Irish drunk. [Castro and his team walk off.]
Ken: Now that's my kind of Mexican!
TV Show: Titus
[Tommy has used the words "daquilicious" and "skosh" in conversation.]
Tommy: Oh, my God. "Daquilicious." "Skosh." I'm a homo!
Titus: *spit-take*
Tommy: Oh, my God. "Daquilicious." "Skosh." I'm a homo!
Titus: *spit-take*
TV Show: Titus
Ken: Fruits have the same rights as normal people. It's not like they're from Vietnam.
TV Show: Titus
Titus: I wish everybody had a mom like mine.
Prosecutor: A mother who kills people?
Titus: Person. She killed one person. You make it sound like a hobby!
Prosecutor: A mother who kills people?
Titus: Person. She killed one person. You make it sound like a hobby!
TV Show: Titus
Tommy: Do you remember me, Mrs. Titus?
Grandma Titus: Of course, Tommy. Have you found a nice young man to settle down with?
Tommy: I'm not gay.
Grandma Titus: Oh. Then you're not the Tommy I knew.
Grandma Titus: Of course, Tommy. Have you found a nice young man to settle down with?
Tommy: I'm not gay.
Grandma Titus: Oh. Then you're not the Tommy I knew.
TV Show: Titus
Grandma Titus: George Washington crossed the Delaware River to get to the whores!
Dave: Delaware is famous for its whores.
Dave: Delaware is famous for its whores.
TV Show: Titus
[Titus is facing off against Shannon's husband Stefan.]
Titus: Dad, what are we, German-Irish?
Ken: White. That's all that matters.
Erin: [offended] Papa Titus!
Ken: In society's eyes, I'm saying!
Titus: Dad, what are we, German-Irish?
Ken: White. That's all that matters.
Erin: [offended] Papa Titus!
Ken: In society's eyes, I'm saying!
TV Show: Titus
[Hanging from a tree, Titus falls and gets caught in another tree.]
Dave: That's justice, Titus! Tree justice. The mighty oak strikes back!
[Titus looks around at his surroundings.]
Titus: It's a spruce!
Dave: That's justice, Titus! Tree justice. The mighty oak strikes back!
[Titus looks around at his surroundings.]
Titus: It's a spruce!
TV Show: Titus
Titus: You said I was the worst possible result of an orgasm!
Ken: You took that as an insult?
Ken: You took that as an insult?
TV Show: Titus
[after Nicky's water breaks; two neighbors who can help don't get along]
Christopher: Is everybody here missing a chromosome?
Nicky: Hey, I live here. And anybody with a forehead that big shouldn't be making chromosome jokes.
[Titus frowns and feels his forehead]
Christopher: Is everybody here missing a chromosome?
Nicky: Hey, I live here. And anybody with a forehead that big shouldn't be making chromosome jokes.
[Titus frowns and feels his forehead]
TV Show: Titus
Ken Titus: Come on, let's go! I'm out of booze and sober is nipping at my heels!
Nicky: Oh, boo hoo! I've got a watermelon nipping at my crotch!
Ken Titus: Now I'm hungry. [to diner owners] Can I get a fruit plate?
Nicky: Oh, boo hoo! I've got a watermelon nipping at my crotch!
Ken Titus: Now I'm hungry. [to diner owners] Can I get a fruit plate?
TV Show: Titus
Erin: You want him to have your kind of fun. You need to go have his kind of fun.
Titus: [confused] You want me to rip myself a new one?
Titus: [confused] You want me to rip myself a new one?
TV Show: Titus
[Tommy's gay father, Perry, shows up.]
Ken: Shouldn't you be out there dancing with the construction worker, the cop, and the Indian?
Ken: Shouldn't you be out there dancing with the construction worker, the cop, and the Indian?
TV Show: Titus
Titus: Do you know what my first thought was when I heard my mother killed herself?
Titus/Ken: Did she take anyone else out with her?
Titus/Ken: Did she take anyone else out with her?
TV Show: Titus
Stewardess: Sir, were you smoking in the bathroom?
Ken: [through a cloud of smoke] Define... "in the bathroom."
Ken: [through a cloud of smoke] Define... "in the bathroom."
TV Show: Titus
[The FBI believes that the Titus family to be a terrorist group.]
Erin: We can't plan a hijacking! Listen, we can't even plan a wedding.
[straight cut to Titus]
Titus: Oh, we planned the wedding. We didn't plan on my mom killing her husband at the wedding. That was Mom's idea. She didn't know what to get us.
Erin: We can't plan a hijacking! Listen, we can't even plan a wedding.
[straight cut to Titus]
Titus: Oh, we planned the wedding. We didn't plan on my mom killing her husband at the wedding. That was Mom's idea. She didn't know what to get us.
TV Show: Titus
Titus: If you asked them to kill Gerald Ford, only two of them would do it.
[cut to Dave]
Dave: So, he wants Ford dead...
[cut to Dave]
Dave: So, he wants Ford dead...
TV Show: Titus
[A boy at school has been harassing Erin's niece Amy.]
Titus: I hate bullies!
Tommy: You're about to beat up a kid with a bat!
Titus: What's your point?
Titus: I hate bullies!
Tommy: You're about to beat up a kid with a bat!
Titus: What's your point?
TV Show: Titus