Top Gear Quotes
[on the McLaren F1]
Jeremy: You know that bit in Dr. Strangelove, when Peter Sellers is astride the nuclear missile? That's what it's like... You don't know where you're going, you're in no real control, you just know the journey's going to end very soon, and very badly!
Jeremy: You know that bit in Dr. Strangelove, when Peter Sellers is astride the nuclear missile? That's what it's like... You don't know where you're going, you're in no real control, you just know the journey's going to end very soon, and very badly!
TV Show: Top Gear
[While testing a Ferrari Enzo borrowed from Pink Floyd drummer Nick Mason.]
Jeremy: Ummagumma!
Jeremy: Ummagumma!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: This is the division bell between the ordinary and the absolutely astonishing.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: That is the delicate sound of thunder" [referring to the noise made by the V12 engine]
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: You set the controls for the heart of the sun, and just like that... you're on the dark side of the Moon.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Now then, we can give this car back to Mr. Mason, because we're done with it. But look at how he's going home.
[Mason steps into a helicopter to the opening strains of Money and flies away]
Jeremy: [As he waves goodbye] Why's he doing that?
[Mason steps into a helicopter to the opening strains of Money and flies away]
Jeremy: [As he waves goodbye] Why's he doing that?
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: These cars, then, are like one of Mr. Blair's speeches, or a pensions commercial, which amounts to the same thing.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Supercars are supposed to run over Arthur Scargill, and then run over him again, for good measure. They're designed to melt ice-caps, kill the poor, poison the water table, destroy the ozone layer, decimate indigenous wildlife, recapture the Falkland Islands, and turn the entire Third World into a huge uninhabitable desert... but only after they've nicked all the oil.
TV Show: Top Gear
James: Bill Bryson. Well, I think that man is a danger, frankly. If there is one thing I can't stand it's beardy, sanctimonious, patronising Americans in tartan trousers coming to England and trying to persuade us to turn into a museum. He wants the East End for the cheeky Cockney chaps pushing wheelbarrows full of eels and he wants northernists to be industrialists with big braces and blokes dying of consumption - Good morning Bill, I've got the consumption, it's tradition alright. I say Bill, if you're watching - OK, now you won't be watching because we're not talking about steam engines or longboats or bear-baiting - but IF you've happened to tune in by mistake: We're not interested in your views of stupid Americans who come over here with their big video cameras saying Gee, I love your history, it's just so old. SOD OFF!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Ooh. Just before we do the news, we've had a letter. Got to share it with you... um... Here- pink note paper- all the i's have got little circles on them- ready? Dear Richard...
Richard: [very calm thus far] Oh, right.
Jeremy: [reading] Yeah, I watch Top Gear, I think you're the best looking guy on the program.
Richard: [frowning] That's hardly an achievement, is it?
Jeremy: You're cool- fair point- [he means that it's hardly an achievement to be the best looking guy, not that Hammond is cool] You're cool, good looking, ace hairstyle, wicked clothes...
Richard: She said that? She sounds all right!
Jeremy: Best wishes... that's ah- that's um, Stuart.
[Audience laughs]
Richard: It's a modern world, that's all right.
Jeremy: But it gets better, because would you like to know Stuart's address?
Richard: Not really, no...
Jeremy: The Folkestone Wing, Her Majesty's Prison, Broadmoor.
Richard: Broadmoor?
Jeremy: He's getting out soon and he wants to know-
Richard: But he could be watching now! Shut up!
Jeremy: [Raising a hand to shush Hammond] No, listen- 'What did you do with all of the shirts from the last series; can I have them?'
Richard: No! No you c- Or wait, yes, I- How long's he gonna be... at that address...? Do we know?
James: Um, it's better than that. Stuart, come on in! [Richard is terrified] No, I'm kidding.
Richard: I don't like that.
Richard: [very calm thus far] Oh, right.
Jeremy: [reading] Yeah, I watch Top Gear, I think you're the best looking guy on the program.
Richard: [frowning] That's hardly an achievement, is it?
Jeremy: You're cool- fair point- [he means that it's hardly an achievement to be the best looking guy, not that Hammond is cool] You're cool, good looking, ace hairstyle, wicked clothes...
Richard: She said that? She sounds all right!
Jeremy: Best wishes... that's ah- that's um, Stuart.
[Audience laughs]
Richard: It's a modern world, that's all right.
Jeremy: But it gets better, because would you like to know Stuart's address?
Richard: Not really, no...
Jeremy: The Folkestone Wing, Her Majesty's Prison, Broadmoor.
Richard: Broadmoor?
Jeremy: He's getting out soon and he wants to know-
Richard: But he could be watching now! Shut up!
Jeremy: [Raising a hand to shush Hammond] No, listen- 'What did you do with all of the shirts from the last series; can I have them?'
Richard: No! No you c- Or wait, yes, I- How long's he gonna be... at that address...? Do we know?
James: Um, it's better than that. Stuart, come on in! [Richard is terrified] No, I'm kidding.
Richard: I don't like that.
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Richard finds the world's maddest car... in Switzerland; an absolutely fabulous Star in our Reasonably-Priced Car; and the new Viper attempts to write its own name... in rubber!
Jeremy: Tonight: Richard finds the world's maddest car... in Switzerland; an absolutely fabulous Star in our Reasonably-Priced Car; and the new Viper attempts to write its own name... in rubber!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: (Reading a safety warning on the Viper) "'This is an open vehicle - drive carefully.' No!"
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Anyone familiar with the old Viper simply wouldn't believe the features that are available on this one, the sequel. I mean, it has a space which can be used for transporting goods. Look at this, it has a roof which can be raised and then lowered depending on prevailing weather conditions. I love this - if you touch this button here, glass rises out of the door. And - I love this - the pedals can be adjusted using electricity. This car is so sophisticated it could write its own name." (He then proceeds to write "Viper" with skidmarks)
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Richard wets himself in a small hatchback; we play conkers with caravans; and a clash of the titans: Aston vs. Ferrari on our track.
Jeremy: Tonight: Richard wets himself in a small hatchback; we play conkers with caravans; and a clash of the titans: Aston vs. Ferrari on our track.
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the news]
James: [talking about average speed cameras] They are forward-facing, though, right?
Jeremy: Yeah, the cameras that take the picture as you're going towards them, yeah.
James: I approve of those.
Jeremy: Why?
James: Because I'm a motorcyclist.
Jeremy: What's that got to do with it?
James: There's no numberplate on the front of a bike.
Jeremy: It's true! It's a fair point. I never thought—why?
James: The thing is, I've been through Northampton on the bike... [gestures as though opening throttle on a motorcycle and holds up two fingers in a V]
Jeremy: Why is there no numberplate?
James: I believe they were actually made illegal in the early 70s.
Richard: 'Cause they used to be upright on the front mudguard.
James: So if you had a crash, it was like somebody just putting a meat cleaver in your head.
Jeremy: Well, that is one advantage of motorcycling, I will concede, but there is a disadvantage, because, I was talking to a surgeon, just last week, and he was telling me, you know these new bikes that have got a very pronounced fuel tank in front of the saddle?
Richard: Yeah, a lot of sports bikes...
Jeremy: Do you know what the most common injury is now, when you've had an accident? Your testes... torn off.
Richard: Oh! Ooh no!
Jeremy: It's a fact! So you can do that [holds up fingers in a V] to a speed camera, but the next thing you know...
James: [talking about average speed cameras] They are forward-facing, though, right?
Jeremy: Yeah, the cameras that take the picture as you're going towards them, yeah.
James: I approve of those.
Jeremy: Why?
James: Because I'm a motorcyclist.
Jeremy: What's that got to do with it?
James: There's no numberplate on the front of a bike.
Jeremy: It's true! It's a fair point. I never thought—why?
James: The thing is, I've been through Northampton on the bike... [gestures as though opening throttle on a motorcycle and holds up two fingers in a V]
Jeremy: Why is there no numberplate?
James: I believe they were actually made illegal in the early 70s.
Richard: 'Cause they used to be upright on the front mudguard.
James: So if you had a crash, it was like somebody just putting a meat cleaver in your head.
Jeremy: Well, that is one advantage of motorcycling, I will concede, but there is a disadvantage, because, I was talking to a surgeon, just last week, and he was telling me, you know these new bikes that have got a very pronounced fuel tank in front of the saddle?
Richard: Yeah, a lot of sports bikes...
Jeremy: Do you know what the most common injury is now, when you've had an accident? Your testes... torn off.
Richard: Oh! Ooh no!
Jeremy: It's a fact! So you can do that [holds up fingers in a V] to a speed camera, but the next thing you know...
TV Show: Top Gear
[Interview with Jimmy Carr]
Jeremy: Then after Cambridge, it was off to work for an oil company.
Jimmy: Yes, Shell.
Jeremy: Middle Management?
Jimmy: Yeah, middle - I was in marketing, for oil.
Jeremy: Okay...
Jimmy: ...which is technically the easiest job on the planet. Do you have a fuel gauge in your car?
Jeremy: Yeah.
Jimmy: Yeah, you know when that goes into the red?
Jeremy: Yeah?
Jimmy: Buy some petrol. Job done.
Jeremy: Then after Cambridge, it was off to work for an oil company.
Jimmy: Yes, Shell.
Jeremy: Middle Management?
Jimmy: Yeah, middle - I was in marketing, for oil.
Jeremy: Okay...
Jimmy: ...which is technically the easiest job on the planet. Do you have a fuel gauge in your car?
Jeremy: Yeah.
Jimmy: Yeah, you know when that goes into the red?
Jeremy: Yeah?
Jimmy: Buy some petrol. Job done.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: They make £800,000 an hour, profit. Shell.
Jimmy: An hour? That's more than I make in a week!
Jimmy: An hour? That's more than I make in a week!
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: James, we are grown men playing conkers with caravans.
James: That's okay. It's better than working at a bank.
James: That's okay. It's better than working at a bank.
TV Show: Top Gear
James: [to a pizzaboy at night in the woods] I suppose you are the headless pizzaboy of the apocalypse, are you?
TV Show: Top Gear
[during the conclusion of the Pagani Zonda Roadster review]
Jeremy: This is bad news, ladies, very bad news. Little Richard has fallen in love with a ton and a bit of kevlar and wires. Look, they've all come down here... [wanders over to a couple of ladies] look, they've all come down here with their bare mid-riffs... and "Richard" and "Hammond" written on their... like that, and it's no good, he's gone!
Richard: I love it, I think this is the big one.
Jeremy: Now, we're going to have to go do the news now before he leaves a deposit on it. Um... oh yeah. So let's do that!
Jeremy: This is bad news, ladies, very bad news. Little Richard has fallen in love with a ton and a bit of kevlar and wires. Look, they've all come down here... [wanders over to a couple of ladies] look, they've all come down here with their bare mid-riffs... and "Richard" and "Hammond" written on their... like that, and it's no good, he's gone!
Richard: I love it, I think this is the big one.
Jeremy: Now, we're going to have to go do the news now before he leaves a deposit on it. Um... oh yeah. So let's do that!
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: [While road-testing a Pagani Zonda Roadster] If you are ten and you are watching this right now, it's exactly as good as you think it is. It is actually that good.
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: [While driving the Pagani Zonda Roadster through a tunnel] There are demons in here! AND I'M DRIVING ONE!
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: [While road-testing a Pagani Zonda Roadster] I would sell my house, buy one of these and live in a tunnel. [...] Welcome to the Dark Side!
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: On tonight's show: James celebrates 50 years of guitar music... in a Mercedes; a Broken Arrow star in our Reasonably-Priced Car; and I tackle the world's most fearsome race track... in a diesel.
Jeremy: On tonight's show: James celebrates 50 years of guitar music... in a Mercedes; a Broken Arrow star in our Reasonably-Priced Car; and I tackle the world's most fearsome race track... in a diesel.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Absolutely everybody here was faster than me. [talking about the Nürburgring]
Sabine Schmitz: Yes, that's true.
Jeremy: Do you think I'm going to be able to get 'round in ten minutes?
Sabine: [laughing] No.
Jeremy: Don't sugar coat it like that, tell me straight.
Sabine: You're not one hundred percent talent-free, but... eighty percent?
Jeremy: Eighty percent talent free... right.
Sabine Schmitz: Yes, that's true.
Jeremy: Do you think I'm going to be able to get 'round in ten minutes?
Sabine: [laughing] No.
Jeremy: Don't sugar coat it like that, tell me straight.
Sabine: You're not one hundred percent talent-free, but... eighty percent?
Jeremy: Eighty percent talent free... right.
TV Show: Top Gear