Top Gear Quotes
[During the news]
Jeremy: [On the Porsche Cayman] Porsche, the laziest design studio in the world!
Jeremy: [On the smart fire car] You know that, erm, World's Wildest Police Chase thing that's on Channel 5 late at night (exaggerated American accent) "There's police chases from around the world!" And it's always a big V8 chasing a Corvette in Australia and America, then they go (American accent again) "We got a chase from the United Kingdom of England Land." And it's, "Oh no it's gonna be so embarrassing!" Sure enough it's a Vauxhall Astra with a big DIESEL sign over it. (Yorkshire policeman accent) "Ohh we're chasing this err BMX bike up the err A34." Oh this is going round the world, they're gonna laugh at us!
Jeremy: [On the Porsche Cayman] Porsche, the laziest design studio in the world!
Jeremy: [On the smart fire car] You know that, erm, World's Wildest Police Chase thing that's on Channel 5 late at night (exaggerated American accent) "There's police chases from around the world!" And it's always a big V8 chasing a Corvette in Australia and America, then they go (American accent again) "We got a chase from the United Kingdom of England Land." And it's, "Oh no it's gonna be so embarrassing!" Sure enough it's a Vauxhall Astra with a big DIESEL sign over it. (Yorkshire policeman accent) "Ohh we're chasing this err BMX bike up the err A34." Oh this is going round the world, they're gonna laugh at us!
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: I test the Cadillac CTS-V; Hammond tests the new BMW 3-Series; and we get three old ladies to test some small cars, because we couldn't be bothered.
Jeremy: Tonight: I test the Cadillac CTS-V; Hammond tests the new BMW 3-Series; and we get three old ladies to test some small cars, because we couldn't be bothered.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say he is illegal in 17 U.S. states, and he blinks this way [motioning his fingers in a horizontal fashion]... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
Jeremy: Some say he is illegal in 17 U.S. states, and he blinks this way [motioning his fingers in a horizontal fashion]... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
TV Show: Top Gear
[after getting a call that his Ford GT has been stolen - while he's actually in it]
Jeremy: If you shut this car down, I'm going to come down there and eat your heart!
Jeremy: If you shut this car down, I'm going to come down there and eat your heart!
TV Show: Top Gear
[to Ford, via the camera, after his new Ford GT had broken down]
Jeremy: If you don't mend it, I'm going to bone your dog!
[he then clarifies this as removing all of the dog's bones]
Jeremy: If you don't mend it, I'm going to bone your dog!
[he then clarifies this as removing all of the dog's bones]
TV Show: Top Gear
James: For sale: BMW 528. 19K, VGC, TNT, FSH, PAS, AAC, OBC, ICE, ABS, EBD, PDC, DTC, DSC. £15000, ONO [May playing with acronyms in his car advertisement]
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: But unfortunately, its driver had become bored with waiting. [Clarkson walks up to the Audi S4 with the Stig asleep at the wheel and knocks on the windscreen] Stiggy! Wakey wakey! Listen. We're gonna do a race. Okay? You're going to drive the Audi, and see if you can get past the Cadillac. Okay?
[the Stig stares back through his helmet]
Jeremy: [looking back at the camera] You think that's gone in?
[the Stig stares back through his helmet]
Jeremy: [looking back at the camera] You think that's gone in?
TV Show: Top Gear
[Jeremy has been looking in some boxes of Hammond's mum. He has now found something, and is practically wetting himself with laughter. He stumbles over to James whilst still laughing]
Jeremy: James, look what I just found in Hammond's box. [shows James]
James: [grimacing] Ooh...
Jeremy: They're his publicity pictures! [to camera] Look at that! [flips picture]
James: [mocking]Late-night love...
Jeremy: [mocking, in "smooth" voiceover style] Late-night love on 96.3 Cleveland FM, with Richard Hammond. [flipping through pictures] But look...
James: This is one of thirty radio stations and... [Jeremy finds the picture he's looking for]Oh![tries unsuccessfully to stifle laughter] Hang on!
[both crack up]
Jeremy: I can see why he gets the jobs hosting Crufts. [to camera] Ready, steady... [flips picture to reveal a younger Richard with wavy, shoulder-length hair, resembling a classical musketeer... James manages to splutter "Dogtanian!" before he and Jeremy completely dissolve into laughter.]
Jeremy: James, look what I just found in Hammond's box. [shows James]
James: [grimacing] Ooh...
Jeremy: They're his publicity pictures! [to camera] Look at that! [flips picture]
James: [mocking]Late-night love...
Jeremy: [mocking, in "smooth" voiceover style] Late-night love on 96.3 Cleveland FM, with Richard Hammond. [flipping through pictures] But look...
James: This is one of thirty radio stations and... [Jeremy finds the picture he's looking for]Oh![tries unsuccessfully to stifle laughter] Hang on!
[both crack up]
Jeremy: I can see why he gets the jobs hosting Crufts. [to camera] Ready, steady... [flips picture to reveal a younger Richard with wavy, shoulder-length hair, resembling a classical musketeer... James manages to splutter "Dogtanian!" before he and Jeremy completely dissolve into laughter.]
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: [in the episode where their mums test three hatchbacks] Now we're just using boxes of old junk [lifts a box] cleared out of the mothers' lofts. You know, the kind of... the old tat that no one could possibly want, or... be prepared to read [holding up two of Jeremy's books and one of his solo videotapes]
TV Show: Top Gear
[James's mother has just lapped the short circuit of their test track more than four seconds faster than Richard's mother]
Richard: You know how there's this global speculation about the identity of The Stig?
Richard: You know how there's this global speculation about the identity of The Stig?
TV Show: Top Gear
James: [Talking about the Peugeot 1007 electric doors] I think they were right about the Peugeot, because if we'd tested this we'd have spent all day with that button going "bzzzzt" and saying "Hey, this is like Star Trek!".
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: A Formula One world champion is the Star In Our Reasonably Priced Car; the Jaguar E-Type and the Aston Martin DB5; and the British Army shoots me in the face.
Jeremy: Tonight: A Formula One world champion is the Star In Our Reasonably Priced Car; the Jaguar E-Type and the Aston Martin DB5; and the British Army shoots me in the face.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that his breath smells of magnesium, and that he's scared of bells... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
Jeremy: Some say that his breath smells of magnesium, and that he's scared of bells... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
TV Show: Top Gear
[driving the new Mercedes Benz SLK while being shot by the Irish Guard snipers]
Jeremy: I'VE JUST SOILED MYSELF!!!!!
Jeremy: I'VE JUST SOILED MYSELF!!!!!
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Question Time comes to our Reasonably-Priced Car; Aston's DB9 racer comes to our track; and an offshore powerboat against a Mercedes SLR.
Jeremy: Tonight: Question Time comes to our Reasonably-Priced Car; Aston's DB9 racer comes to our track; and an offshore powerboat against a Mercedes SLR.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say he naturally faces magnetic north, and that all of his legs are hydraulic... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
Jeremy: Some say he naturally faces magnetic north, and that all of his legs are hydraulic... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
TV Show: Top Gear
[after spending a day with Richard on a Ferry]
James: I really enjoyed our day out together, Richard. It's not very often I get to take someone out for a nice dinner. [camera switches to Richard, who is now looking somewhat concerned]
James: I really enjoyed our day out together, Richard. It's not very often I get to take someone out for a nice dinner. [camera switches to Richard, who is now looking somewhat concerned]
TV Show: Top Gear
[On whether Jeremy will get sleep on the Oslo race]
James: Well I would, and you would, but I don't think Jeremy will because he'll become obsessed by [impersonates Clarkson] power and winning!
James: Well I would, and you would, but I don't think Jeremy will because he'll become obsessed by [impersonates Clarkson] power and winning!
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the CDs he was given for the race to Oslo]
Jeremy: [laughing] 101 classic speeches from... Mrs. Thatcher! [impersonating Thatcher] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, this lady's not for turning.
Jeremy: [laughing] 101 classic speeches from... Mrs. Thatcher! [impersonating Thatcher] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, this lady's not for turning.
TV Show: Top Gear
[in a Eurotunnel train during the race to Oslo]
Jeremy: I wonder what the fastest anyone has ever been... in a Eurotunnel train...? How tempting is it to... [depressing accelerator momentarily] No, no, no no. No, grow up!
Jeremy: I wonder what the fastest anyone has ever been... in a Eurotunnel train...? How tempting is it to... [depressing accelerator momentarily] No, no, no no. No, grow up!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [after having the Eurotunnel train safety instructions start in French] Oh, we gotta have it in French! [pause] Start the train!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [On the Alfa Romeo Brera] You can have a diesel, if you're the sort of person who thinks the Mona Lisa should have a moustache.
TV Show: Top Gear
James: [On voting for the greatest driving song] Research has shown, that voting for Meatloaf means you are 50% more likely to have no mates.
Jeremy: That is true, actually.
Jeremy: That is true, actually.
TV Show: Top Gear