Top Gear Quotes
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: a rock-star gets in a jam; attacking the Nürburgring in a van; and is a car faster than a man?
Jeremy: Tonight: a rock-star gets in a jam; attacking the Nürburgring in a van; and is a car faster than a man?
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he lives in a tree, and that his sweat can be used to clean precious metals... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
Jeremy: Some say that he lives in a tree, and that his sweat can be used to clean precious metals... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the news]
Richard: And the big news this week is Jeremy has been banned from driving for six months. Yes he has! [Audience cheers and applauds] I know! What do we do?
James: I'm really sorry to disappoint you, but I have to point out that it wasn't his local magistrate that banned him, it was his doctor!
Richard: It was and that's why it's taking him so long to get to the stage! [Jeremy slowly approaches the stage] Ooh, you look like you're in pain.
Jeremy: Yes, I am. I have a top speed of one.
Richard: What have you done?
Jeremy: I slipped two discs in my back and they told me not to drive or write. Thank you so much for that! That's kind of what I do!
Richard: And the big news this week is Jeremy has been banned from driving for six months. Yes he has! [Audience cheers and applauds] I know! What do we do?
James: I'm really sorry to disappoint you, but I have to point out that it wasn't his local magistrate that banned him, it was his doctor!
Richard: It was and that's why it's taking him so long to get to the stage! [Jeremy slowly approaches the stage] Ooh, you look like you're in pain.
Jeremy: Yes, I am. I have a top speed of one.
Richard: What have you done?
Jeremy: I slipped two discs in my back and they told me not to drive or write. Thank you so much for that! That's kind of what I do!
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: [on the Ford Transit's 40th anniversary, and ways to celebrate the milestone] [...] however, nothing says 'Happy Birthday!' like rubbing Jeremy's face in it. [scene then leads into Sabine Schmitz's Transit attempt to beat JC's 9m 59s Nürburgring lap in a diesel Jaguar]
TV Show: Top Gear
James: [On voting for the greatest driving song] A vote for Meatloaf's Bat Out of Hell will result in your internet service provider changing your domain name to 'loser'!
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: On tonight's show: I drive the Audi TT Convertible, in Iceland; Richard drives the Nissan 350Z Convertible, in Iceland; And James drives the Chrysler Crossfire Convertible. Guess where?
Jeremy: On tonight's show: I drive the Audi TT Convertible, in Iceland; Richard drives the Nissan 350Z Convertible, in Iceland; And James drives the Chrysler Crossfire Convertible. Guess where?
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that his heart ticks like a watch, and that he's confused by stairs... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
Jeremy: Some say that his heart ticks like a watch, and that he's confused by stairs... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Hello, and welcome to Top Gear. Now we get quite a few complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show, so we're kicking off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [On the Ferrari F430's various drive modes] And then CST, which turns all the driver aids off. Don't know what CST stands for... Commit... Suicide... Training..?
TV Show: Top Gear
James: I bet you any money he's come over to tell me he's stumped by that Chrysler.
Jeremy: James? I'm stumped by that Chrysler.
Jeremy: James? I'm stumped by that Chrysler.
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Thunderberks are go; we attempt a World Record; and the most annoying car I've ever driven turns out to be one of the best.
Jeremy: Tonight: Thunderberks are go; we attempt a World Record; and the most annoying car I've ever driven turns out to be one of the best.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that his voice can only be heard by cats, and that he has two sets of knees... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
Jeremy: Some say that his voice can only be heard by cats, and that he has two sets of knees... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: He's a hugely successful DJ, television presenter, and business man. And he achieved all this despite being born with a terrible affliction... [laughing] Ginger hair.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Jeremy and James are discussing the Vauxhall Astra and Jeremy is lamenting its lack of grip to go with its very powerful engine]
James: It's sort of exciting though, admit it.
Jeremy: It's exciting in the same way as being shot at is exciting.
James: It's sort of exciting though, admit it.
Jeremy: It's exciting in the same way as being shot at is exciting.
TV Show: Top Gear
James: [While driving someone] The interesting thing about the French nation, I think, because they are essentially peasants and Communists, is that they are quite good at the fairly small and fairly simple car.
TV Show: Top Gear
James: [On voting for the greatest driving song] However your home may be at risk if you vote for Meatloaf!
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: James May thinks he's a racing driver; Richard Hammond thinks he's Jesus; and I think I'm going to be killed.
Jeremy: Tonight: James May thinks he's a racing driver; Richard Hammond thinks he's Jesus; and I think I'm going to be killed.
TV Show: Top Gear
James: I'd give... the rest of me year's salary... to see that sink [When Jeremy was on an Argocat amphibious vehicle]
TV Show: Top Gear
[during the outdoor toys test]
Jeremy: You do know why James is feeling more sedated than usual?
Richard: Tired, scared?
Jeremy: He's had an operation.
Richard: Where?
Jeremy: [whispers into Richard's ear] On his arse.
Richard: Ooh! That's... gotta hurt!
Jeremy: That's ...why [laughter]
Richard: With the saddle and everything!
James: [voiceover] It's true.
Jeremy: You do know why James is feeling more sedated than usual?
Richard: Tired, scared?
Jeremy: He's had an operation.
Richard: Where?
Jeremy: [whispers into Richard's ear] On his arse.
Richard: Ooh! That's... gotta hurt!
Jeremy: That's ...why [laughter]
Richard: With the saddle and everything!
James: [voiceover] It's true.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Jeremy has managed to get his quad bike running]
Jeremy: Well done, Mr Mole-Husband, you're off. [The quad suddenly stalls, and Jeremy becomes frustrated] OHHH GO-O-OD! I HATE THIS QUAD!!!
Jeremy: Well done, Mr Mole-Husband, you're off. [The quad suddenly stalls, and Jeremy becomes frustrated] OHHH GO-O-OD! I HATE THIS QUAD!!!
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the high powered quad bike]
Jeremy: This has a top speed - and I know this because I've done it - of one million miles an hour, a million! What really annoys me is that Hammond's gonna go, "Hey, it's really pretty, I can ride standing up and everything!" and I can't. Because I'm too tall and too old and too fat and I hate it!
Richard: It has a 450cc, single cylinder engine that makes a thousand, million horsepower, and it's faster than light!
Jeremy: This has a top speed - and I know this because I've done it - of one million miles an hour, a million! What really annoys me is that Hammond's gonna go, "Hey, it's really pretty, I can ride standing up and everything!" and I can't. Because I'm too tall and too old and too fat and I hate it!
Richard: It has a 450cc, single cylinder engine that makes a thousand, million horsepower, and it's faster than light!
TV Show: Top Gear
[talking about the hovercraft]
Jeremy: Now, listen chaps, I have had the pleasure of driving one of these before and there are one or two things I need to tell you. First of all, okay, if you see an obstacle, like if we're going over there, if you see one of those trees coming towards you—too late, you're gonna hit it.
Richard: Alright, okay.
Jeremy: Well, you're not worried about that?
Richard: Well, if that's what happens….
Jeremy: You'll turn the handlebars, that won't make any difference—straight on, okay? So you think, "Alright, I'll lift off the power, the air will come out of the sack, it'll dig in and you'll be jettisoned at 50 miles an hour into the tree—
Richard: Oh, so you hit the tree with or without the hovercraft.
Jeremy: Yes, that's your choice.
Jeremy: Now, listen chaps, I have had the pleasure of driving one of these before and there are one or two things I need to tell you. First of all, okay, if you see an obstacle, like if we're going over there, if you see one of those trees coming towards you—too late, you're gonna hit it.
Richard: Alright, okay.
Jeremy: Well, you're not worried about that?
Richard: Well, if that's what happens….
Jeremy: You'll turn the handlebars, that won't make any difference—straight on, okay? So you think, "Alright, I'll lift off the power, the air will come out of the sack, it'll dig in and you'll be jettisoned at 50 miles an hour into the tree—
Richard: Oh, so you hit the tree with or without the hovercraft.
Jeremy: Yes, that's your choice.
TV Show: Top Gear
[after falling off a hovercraft]
Jeremy: I've been killed, I've definitely been killed.
Jeremy: I've been killed, I've definitely been killed.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: "Yes, Lucifer has come to our little world of milk and petrol." (Speaking of the BMW 535d allowed to come on TG's track, the first diesel powered car on their track, the "rule breaker")
TV Show: Top Gear
James: [On voting for Bat Out Of Hell as the best driving anthem ever] If you do choose to vote for Bat Out of Hell then we will come round and cut off YOUR electricity!
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: If we were to go to one of those offroad centers-they're springing up all over the place, where you can rent stuff out and do what we did, what would you have? And I'm telling you straight-away, it wouldn't be the racing quads, because you might as well just say, "I'd like to rent some death, please, for the day!"
Jeremy: Yeah, "I want to be dead within the hour!", "Certainly sir, have one of these!"
Jeremy: Yeah, "I want to be dead within the hour!", "Certainly sir, have one of these!"
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [On which buggy was better] Question is, which one? Cause your Drakart…great fun, lots of sideways action-
Richard: Hooligan-style!
Jeremy: -but quite unsophisticated; it was like going sideways in scaffolding.
Richard: Hooligan-style!
Jeremy: -but quite unsophisticated; it was like going sideways in scaffolding.
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: James tries his hand at being Beethoven; Richard wrestles a rampaging bull; and I develop a sudden urge to marry my cousin.
Jeremy: Tonight: James tries his hand at being Beethoven; Richard wrestles a rampaging bull; and I develop a sudden urge to marry my cousin.
TV Show: Top Gear