Top Gear Quotes
[Starting off the car vs. plane race]
James: Now normally when we have these races Jeremy goes in a car and says "POWEEEEEEER" a lot, and Richard and I will go on a ferry, or a train, or an airliner, or whatever. But this time it's slightly different because I've been learning to fly.
Jeremy: So you see, the scene was set, okay? It would be Captain Captain Slow and his Hammond hand luggage in a private plane versus me in a car.
James: Now normally when we have these races Jeremy goes in a car and says "POWEEEEEEER" a lot, and Richard and I will go on a ferry, or a train, or an airliner, or whatever. But this time it's slightly different because I've been learning to fly.
Jeremy: So you see, the scene was set, okay? It would be Captain Captain Slow and his Hammond hand luggage in a private plane versus me in a car.
TV Show: Top Gear
[in May's Cessna 182.]
Richard: We've got no bloody forks!
James: Stop whinging about the ruddy in-flight food, man! And don't jig about because we're climbing... We're struggling in a minute...
Richard: I am not jigging! How rubbish is this thing if I can't even lift a chocolate bar to my face without it crashing into a mountain?
Richard: We've got no bloody forks!
James: Stop whinging about the ruddy in-flight food, man! And don't jig about because we're climbing... We're struggling in a minute...
Richard: I am not jigging! How rubbish is this thing if I can't even lift a chocolate bar to my face without it crashing into a mountain?
TV Show: Top Gear
[on May's Cessna 182.]
Jeremy: What's it called?
Richard: [to Jeremy on the phone] Cessna 182; I think "182" refers to the number of quid it cost, I suspect.
Jeremy: What's it called?
Richard: [to Jeremy on the phone] Cessna 182; I think "182" refers to the number of quid it cost, I suspect.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Captain Slow is up there in his washing machine. I will not be beaten by a washing machine.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: That isn't so much a throttle that my right foot's on, it's a hyperspace button. World's going backwards!
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the phone with an insurance company]
Jeremy: Hello, are you the people who can "quote me happy" ?
Jeremy: Hello, are you the people who can "quote me happy" ?
TV Show: Top Gear
[after the above attempt failed]
Jeremy: I've spent half an hour talking to a man, telling him where you were born, how many children you've got, where you live, what your postcode is, and then he says "Is a Bugatti a Rover?". Well, they've quoted me miserable there.
Jeremy: I've spent half an hour talking to a man, telling him where you were born, how many children you've got, where you live, what your postcode is, and then he says "Is a Bugatti a Rover?". Well, they've quoted me miserable there.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Veyron]
Jeremy: Even though there are these huge cooling ducts here and the engine has no cover at all, that thing has ten radiators. Three to cool the engine itself, three for the intercoolers, one to do the axle oil, one to do the engine oil and one to cool the hydraulic fluid used to raise that rear spoiler. It's got more radiators than my house!
Jeremy: Even though there are these huge cooling ducts here and the engine has no cover at all, that thing has ten radiators. Three to cool the engine itself, three for the intercoolers, one to do the axle oil, one to do the engine oil and one to cool the hydraulic fluid used to raise that rear spoiler. It's got more radiators than my house!
TV Show: Top Gear
James: YOU UNBEARABLE MAN, I CAN'T STAND IT!!! [after arriving at the destination for the Veyron vs. Plane race to find Jeremy had already arrived about a minute earlier]
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Can a Mazda go faster than a dog? Can a frog go faster than a Peugeot? And can I go faster than... myself?
Jeremy: Tonight: Can a Mazda go faster than a dog? Can a frog go faster than a Peugeot? And can I go faster than... myself?
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that his heart is in upside down, and that his teeth glow in the dark... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
Jeremy: Some say that his heart is in upside down, and that his teeth glow in the dark... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: A dog oversteers, which is more fun...
Jeremy: ...than an understeering hyena.
Richard: So, you want a Mazda MX-5 because it's rear wheel drive.
Jeremy: ...than an understeering hyena.
Richard: So, you want a Mazda MX-5 because it's rear wheel drive.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: OK, now it's time to do the ugliest car of the year and the nominations are: the Ssangyong Kyron...
Richard: Uugghh...
Jeremy: ...the Ssangyong Rodius...
[shouts of disgust from the audience]
Jeremy: ...and look at this one, the Ssangyong Musso!
[more shouts from the audience]
Jeremy: That thing really is a Moose, isn't it? So which one has won it? It's the BMW 3 Series!
[On "best noise of the year"]
James: That is the sound your spine would make if you could actually hear it tingle.
Richard: Uugghh...
Jeremy: ...the Ssangyong Rodius...
[shouts of disgust from the audience]
Jeremy: ...and look at this one, the Ssangyong Musso!
[more shouts from the audience]
Jeremy: That thing really is a Moose, isn't it? So which one has won it? It's the BMW 3 Series!
[On "best noise of the year"]
James: That is the sound your spine would make if you could actually hear it tingle.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: "If it's not a democracy, it's a dictatorship. And I'm dictating that the Aston Martin V8 Vantage is the winner!" (the 2005 TG Awards)
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: The next award is for the Gas Guzzler of the year. And the nominations are: The Range Rover sport, which achieved eight miles to the gallon. The Bugatti Veyron, which achieved four miles to the gallon. And Hemel Hempstead. That actually used up 60 million gallons of fuel, didn't move an inch!
TV Show: Top Gear
[while playing Gran Turismo 4]
Jeremy: I am going to pick a track, we'll go for a real one... Laguna Seca and now we have to pick a car. TVR Tuscan, nope too much of a handful. Aston Martin DB9. That's not a racing car, that's just pornography.
Jeremy: I am going to pick a track, we'll go for a real one... Laguna Seca and now we have to pick a car. TVR Tuscan, nope too much of a handful. Aston Martin DB9. That's not a racing car, that's just pornography.
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: I drive the scariest car in the world. James drives the least scary car in the world. And we all drive a car with a monkey on the roof.
Jeremy: Tonight: I drive the scariest car in the world. James drives the least scary car in the world. And we all drive a car with a monkey on the roof.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that his ears aren't exactly where you'd expect them to be, and that once, preposterously, he had an affair with John Prescott... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
Jeremy: Some say that his ears aren't exactly where you'd expect them to be, and that once, preposterously, he had an affair with John Prescott... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Talking about their new dog, Top Gear Dog (TGD), being a Labradoodle (Labrador-Poodle cross)]
Jeremy: Yeah, that makes her a hybrid. We were going to call her "Prius", but that would have been cruel... and she would have eaten a lot more than we were expecting.
Jeremy: Yeah, that makes her a hybrid. We were going to call her "Prius", but that would have been cruel... and she would have eaten a lot more than we were expecting.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [Discussing the bright pink convertible Nissan Micra] It just looks like a scrotum!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [About his Ford GT] The thing is, I think I'm right in saying that I have never completed a single journey, anywhere there and back, in it ever. Which must make it the most unreliable car... ever made. In fact, if you've got a more unreliable one, write to us at "Actually, I've Got a Peugeot" BBC Top Gear, London W12...
TV Show: Top Gear
[Discussing 20p organic crisps]
Jeremy: You see the thing is this, if you buy those crisps, the 20p goes to the Mexican sewage industry but if you buy petrol, the money goes to the government who spend it letting out foreign prisoners so they can stab people.
[Laughter, Hammond with his head in his hands, large applause]
Jeremy: You see the thing is this, if you buy those crisps, the 20p goes to the Mexican sewage industry but if you buy petrol, the money goes to the government who spend it letting out foreign prisoners so they can stab people.
[Laughter, Hammond with his head in his hands, large applause]
TV Show: Top Gear
[on quitting his smoking habit]
Jeremy: In recent weeks, a craving for nicotine has made me angry with everything, even trees.
[cuts to him criticizing a tree in the woods]
Jeremy: It's just completely the wrong colour. [seeing a twig on the ground] Look, a twig, why, why's it there? [picks up the twig] Look at it! [prepares to throw the twig but it snaps under pressure]
Jeremy: In recent weeks, a craving for nicotine has made me angry with everything, even trees.
[cuts to him criticizing a tree in the woods]
Jeremy: It's just completely the wrong colour. [seeing a twig on the ground] Look, a twig, why, why's it there? [picks up the twig] Look at it! [prepares to throw the twig but it snaps under pressure]
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [Commenting on the Koenigsegg CCX] I think Koenigsegg is Swedish for: "Oh no, my head has just exploded!"
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?
TV Show: Top Gear
[About the Koenigsegg CCX]
Jeremy: Oh. And I'll give you a little tip: If you tune this engine to run on environmentally-friendly biofuel, you'll be getting nine hundred brake horsepower. [laughs] Should I get Bill Oddie one of these?
Jeremy: Oh. And I'll give you a little tip: If you tune this engine to run on environmentally-friendly biofuel, you'll be getting nine hundred brake horsepower. [laughs] Should I get Bill Oddie one of these?
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases. [Drives past a sign welcoming him to "Piddington"] That says it all, really. "I drive a people carrier... I'm a bit of a Piddington"
TV Show: Top Gear
[heading to Woburn Abbey Safari Park in the convertible Renault Espace]
Richard: [to James] Well, let's put it this way: if you were to be locked inside a phone box for half an hour with: a) a monkey, or b) a lion, there you go! What would you go for?
James: The lion.
Richard and Jeremy: What?
James: No, because monkeys, in confined spaces, those Barbary monkeys, they panic and they get really, incredibly violent.
Jeremy: I love the way that James thinks that monkeys are, in some way, the greatest peril that we're facing... in the next hour of our lives.
Richard: [to James] Well, let's put it this way: if you were to be locked inside a phone box for half an hour with: a) a monkey, or b) a lion, there you go! What would you go for?
James: The lion.
Richard and Jeremy: What?
James: No, because monkeys, in confined spaces, those Barbary monkeys, they panic and they get really, incredibly violent.
Jeremy: I love the way that James thinks that monkeys are, in some way, the greatest peril that we're facing... in the next hour of our lives.
TV Show: Top Gear
[At the safari park in their convertible people carrier, watching two lions mate]
Richard: [Voiceover] Fortunately, the lions had other things on their minds.
Jeremy: Oh, look what's going on.
James: Oh no, he's...
Richard: Oh, that's... lion porn!
Jeremy: What are you doing, man?
Richard: What if he tries to do that to us?
Richard: [Voiceover] Fortunately, the lions had other things on their minds.
Jeremy: Oh, look what's going on.
James: Oh no, he's...
Richard: Oh, that's... lion porn!
Jeremy: What are you doing, man?
Richard: What if he tries to do that to us?
TV Show: Top Gear