Top Gear Quotes
[on driving the home-made convertible through the monkey enclosure]
Jeremy: ARGGGGGH! [Sneaks to the front to avoid the monkeys roaming above him on the roof]
James: Hey you got to stay there after you mocked me!
Jeremy: ARGGGGGH! [Sneaks to the front to avoid the monkeys roaming above him on the roof]
James: Hey you got to stay there after you mocked me!
TV Show: Top Gear
[Whilst in the carwash in the Espace convertible]
Jeremy: I'm dry still.
[a moment later]
Jeremy: I'M WET NOW!!
Jeremy: I'm dry still.
[a moment later]
Jeremy: I'M WET NOW!!
TV Show: Top Gear
[The three take their convertible people carrier through a car wash]
Jeremy: Uh... it's on fire.
Richard: What?! It can't be on fire! [He looks] It's on fire.
Jeremy: It's on fire. Just run. Just run.
[The three run off... and after the film]
Jeremy: The thing is, we managed to set fire to something that's basically made of water!
Richard: How did you do that? Did you see the owner of the car wash afterwards?
Jeremy: He was...
Richard: Cross. Very cross.
James: He was especially cross when I rang him up and asked if we could have our three pounds fifty back.
Jeremy: Uh... it's on fire.
Richard: What?! It can't be on fire! [He looks] It's on fire.
Jeremy: It's on fire. Just run. Just run.
[The three run off... and after the film]
Jeremy: The thing is, we managed to set fire to something that's basically made of water!
Richard: How did you do that? Did you see the owner of the car wash afterwards?
Jeremy: He was...
Richard: Cross. Very cross.
James: He was especially cross when I rang him up and asked if we could have our three pounds fifty back.
TV Show: Top Gear
James: [about the Honda Civic's poor sound insulation] I mean, I like an engine note as much as the next person, but I'd like it to be a fizzy V6 hand-crafted in Italy. This... [revving the engine] that's a rather dreary 4-pot from rainy Swindon.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: You need to be able to drive the car over a sleeping policeman... That wouldn't drive over Richard Hammond's girlfriend.
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: I'm ruining the tranquillity of the Yorkshire Dales. Richard ruins Iceland. And we all ruin a local radio show.
Jeremy: Tonight: I'm ruining the tranquillity of the Yorkshire Dales. Richard ruins Iceland. And we all ruin a local radio show.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say he has a digital face, and that if he felt like it, he could fire Alan Sugar... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
Jeremy: Some say he has a digital face, and that if he felt like it, he could fire Alan Sugar... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
TV Show: Top Gear
[in the news sction]
James: Look at this. [...] It is called the "quickstart". You stick it in your cigarette lighter when you are driving in France and when you turn the car on in the morning its little electronic voice reminds you to drive on the right.
Richard: That might be useful if you are a bit thick
James: [...] Actually, it is a complete waste of £ 9,99. When you get up in the morning all your luggage has been stolen from the boot and your car is a burned out shell you know you are in France anyway.
James: Look at this. [...] It is called the "quickstart". You stick it in your cigarette lighter when you are driving in France and when you turn the car on in the morning its little electronic voice reminds you to drive on the right.
Richard: That might be useful if you are a bit thick
James: [...] Actually, it is a complete waste of £ 9,99. When you get up in the morning all your luggage has been stolen from the boot and your car is a burned out shell you know you are in France anyway.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the way to hosting the radio programme, Jeremy and James had taken to bad-mouthing Richard's Cadillac BLS]
Richard: Just stop talking now.
[a brief silence...]
James: I don't like the clock.
Richard: Save it!
Richard: Just stop talking now.
[a brief silence...]
James: I don't like the clock.
Richard: Save it!
TV Show: Top Gear
[during the news]
James: To test for speed, they'd have to give the driver a Hoover.
Richard: Eh?
James: You know when you're at a big party, at the end of it everybody's asleep, the bloke who's on speed is always hoovering.
Jeremy: The rock and roll years, with James May!
James: To test for speed, they'd have to give the driver a Hoover.
Richard: Eh?
James: You know when you're at a big party, at the end of it everybody's asleep, the bloke who's on speed is always hoovering.
Jeremy: The rock and roll years, with James May!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [Before the Stig's Liana lap] This week we've been literally inundated with a letter...
TV Show: Top Gear
James: Now, look at this. A bloke stole a Mercedes McLaren SLR, which is one of the fastest cars in the world. We have to agree it's on the top of our board, but it was fitted with one of those tracker devices. They caught him after 40 minutes, d'you know how far he'd gone in that time?
[Jeremy and Richard shrug shoulders]
James: 12 miles!
[Laughter]
Richard: What was he doing?
Jeremy: That's the least ambitious thief in the world.
James: That's an average speed of 18 miles per hour.
Richard: Why did he nick it?
James: I dunno, but I'd like to appeal to him, if he's been let out by the home secretary, which he almost certainly has been...[Laughter and applause] ...if you'd like to steal a motor vehicle and travel around the place at 18 miles per hour, could you nick my Honda 90?
[Jeremy and Richard shrug shoulders]
James: 12 miles!
[Laughter]
Richard: What was he doing?
Jeremy: That's the least ambitious thief in the world.
James: That's an average speed of 18 miles per hour.
Richard: Why did he nick it?
James: I dunno, but I'd like to appeal to him, if he's been let out by the home secretary, which he almost certainly has been...[Laughter and applause] ...if you'd like to steal a motor vehicle and travel around the place at 18 miles per hour, could you nick my Honda 90?
TV Show: Top Gear
[during the news, on the new Quickstart product]
James: When you get up in the morning, all your luggage has been stolen from the boot and your car's just a burnt out shell, you'll know you're in France anyway.
James: When you get up in the morning, all your luggage has been stolen from the boot and your car's just a burnt out shell, you'll know you're in France anyway.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the new Jaguar XK, and why its front lifts above 130 mph]
Jeremy: Golf. In the boot, golfists want enough room to put their bats...
Jeremy: Golf. In the boot, golfists want enough room to put their bats...
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [About a BMW 650 convertible] This doesn't have an engine. What it has instead is a nuclear bomb under the bonnet.
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: I get a hot head..."Ow! Ow! I'm on fire..."; Richard gets another Top Gear dog "Help!"; And James has some trouble with wind.
Jeremy: Tonight: I get a hot head..."Ow! Ow! I'm on fire..."; Richard gets another Top Gear dog "Help!"; And James has some trouble with wind.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that his genitals are on upside down, and that if he could be bothered, he could crack the Da Vinci Code in 43 seconds... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
Jeremy: Some say that his genitals are on upside down, and that if he could be bothered, he could crack the Da Vinci Code in 43 seconds... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Trying to discover what sort of car Richard has bought during the Amphibious Car Challenge]
Jeremy: Hamster! How it's going?
Richard: Very well, thank you, very well indeed!
Jeremy: What are you doing? What've you got?
Richard: Err, it's, it's pretty... I don't wanna tell you, really, but it's pretty... sleek, um, as a road-going vehicle; as a boat I think it's gonna be a winner.
Jeremy: I bet it's a Lotus Esprit, isn't it?
Richard: Well, it's a monocoque [screws up face]. Um, so it, it has sort of sporting... pretensions.
Jeremy: And what're you going in terms of propulsion?
Richard: Uh, well, now, the, the, the, the... lot of power. I'm gonna... I'm gonna fully utilise the onboard power.
Jeremy: [voiceover] Hammond was keeping his cards close to his chest.
James: Hello?
Jeremy: May.
James: Clarkson.
Jeremy: Have you heard from Hamster?
James: Well, yeah, I did, but I can't get much out of him. He's now saying his car is rear-engined, but not a 911. I think he's bought an Hillman Imp and he's making a submarine.
Jeremy: Hamster! How it's going?
Richard: Very well, thank you, very well indeed!
Jeremy: What are you doing? What've you got?
Richard: Err, it's, it's pretty... I don't wanna tell you, really, but it's pretty... sleek, um, as a road-going vehicle; as a boat I think it's gonna be a winner.
Jeremy: I bet it's a Lotus Esprit, isn't it?
Richard: Well, it's a monocoque [screws up face]. Um, so it, it has sort of sporting... pretensions.
Jeremy: And what're you going in terms of propulsion?
Richard: Uh, well, now, the, the, the, the... lot of power. I'm gonna... I'm gonna fully utilise the onboard power.
Jeremy: [voiceover] Hammond was keeping his cards close to his chest.
James: Hello?
Jeremy: May.
James: Clarkson.
Jeremy: Have you heard from Hamster?
James: Well, yeah, I did, but I can't get much out of him. He's now saying his car is rear-engined, but not a 911. I think he's bought an Hillman Imp and he's making a submarine.
TV Show: Top Gear
[practicing his negligble sailing skills in a small boat]
James: There's a boat there called the "Hey Presto"! Hang on, there's a boat right here called "Puffin" - Hello Puffin! [crashes heavily into "Puffin"]
James: There's a boat there called the "Hey Presto"! Hang on, there's a boat right here called "Puffin" - Hello Puffin! [crashes heavily into "Puffin"]
TV Show: Top Gear
[after being drenched in the motor wash from Jeremy's borrowed powerboat]
James: You utter pirate!
James: You utter pirate!
TV Show: Top Gear
[Jeremy has just shown Richard the buoyancy aids he has added to his Toybota.'
Jeremy: So you think...that left to its own devices...a Volkswagen campervan...will float?
Richard: Well it's like...it's like a narrow boat in shape. A narrow boat is just a big box isn't it?
Jeremy: [Extending his hand to Richard] Goodbye.
Jeremy: So you think...that left to its own devices...a Volkswagen campervan...will float?
Richard: Well it's like...it's like a narrow boat in shape. A narrow boat is just a big box isn't it?
Jeremy: [Extending his hand to Richard] Goodbye.
TV Show: Top Gear
James: [Struggling onto the Motorway in his Triumph Herald] And we're into top gear... 35mph..!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [voiceover] ...and so in the spirit of Top Gear comradeship... we left James behind.
TV Show: Top Gear