Top Gear Quotes
Jeremy: I've got a spare outboard.
Richard: You are joking.
Jeremy: I have. How much will you give me?
Richard: A million pounds!
Jeremy: A million?
Richard: And a leg, take your pick! Either leg! [Jeremy hands him the tiny 4.5hp motor he was originally recommended] Oh, yes! Now what do I do?
Richard: You are joking.
Jeremy: I have. How much will you give me?
Richard: A million pounds!
Jeremy: A million?
Richard: And a leg, take your pick! Either leg! [Jeremy hands him the tiny 4.5hp motor he was originally recommended] Oh, yes! Now what do I do?
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Hammond, how much?
Richard: For what?
Jeremy: A lift.
Richard: I'll give you a million quid, or this bucket.
Richard: For what?
Jeremy: A lift.
Richard: I'll give you a million quid, or this bucket.
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: Jeremy?
Jeremy: Yes?
Richard: I've come up with a problem.
[realising Richard's bucket has holes in it]
Jeremy: You have... you owe me a million pounds!
Jeremy: Yes?
Richard: I've come up with a problem.
[realising Richard's bucket has holes in it]
Jeremy: You have... you owe me a million pounds!
TV Show: Top Gear
James: [to Richard and Jeremy at the end of the challenge] Chaps...one observation I might have. Sailing: REALLY boring!
TV Show: Top Gear
[after the amphibious car challenge]
Jeremy: It's a fair victory. It's not like I'm a sore loser or anything... it's just that, for going home tonight, James won't be using the Herald [points to the Triumph Herald] because the clutch has gone. Richard won't be using that [points to the "Dampervan"] because it was ruined in the accident. Whereas, because I bought a Hilux [points at Toybota] - and, as we know, from here [indicates the Hilux] - they are indestructible, I shall be driving this home! So, um...
Richard: Yes, alright.
Jeremy: Yes, thank you all very much for watching. It's been a...[Clarkson gets in and tries to start it, but fails, to much ridicule from Hammond and May]
Richard: Oh ha ha ha! You have broken the 'indestructible'... ha ha ha. It's not working.
Jeremy: It's a fair victory. It's not like I'm a sore loser or anything... it's just that, for going home tonight, James won't be using the Herald [points to the Triumph Herald] because the clutch has gone. Richard won't be using that [points to the "Dampervan"] because it was ruined in the accident. Whereas, because I bought a Hilux [points at Toybota] - and, as we know, from here [indicates the Hilux] - they are indestructible, I shall be driving this home! So, um...
Richard: Yes, alright.
Jeremy: Yes, thank you all very much for watching. It's been a...[Clarkson gets in and tries to start it, but fails, to much ridicule from Hammond and May]
Richard: Oh ha ha ha! You have broken the 'indestructible'... ha ha ha. It's not working.
TV Show: Top Gear
James and Richard: No it isn't.
Jeremy: ...And on that bombshell, it's time to end the show. Thanks very much for watching. [Jeremy "facepalms" on the steering wheel out of embarrassment] Goodnight!
Jeremy: ...And on that bombshell, it's time to end the show. Thanks very much for watching. [Jeremy "facepalms" on the steering wheel out of embarrassment] Goodnight!
TV Show: Top Gear
[during the news]
Richard: My daughter is five years old, she loves cleaning the car with me. We share it.
Jeremy: Oh, do you live in a yoghurt commercial?
Richard: My daughter is five years old, she loves cleaning the car with me. We share it.
Jeremy: Oh, do you live in a yoghurt commercial?
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Look, anyone who washes their car has a small mind, or is in an unhappy marriage!
TV Show: Top Gear
[during the news]
James: [Talking about digital displays on the sides of roads] Those displays aren't always true, like the microwave in my mate's kitchen. It says "Enjoy your meal" when you get something out. But I won't if it's my pants...
[The other two start ridiculing him for supposedly having no pants on in his mate's kitchen]
James: [Talking about digital displays on the sides of roads] Those displays aren't always true, like the microwave in my mate's kitchen. It says "Enjoy your meal" when you get something out. But I won't if it's my pants...
[The other two start ridiculing him for supposedly having no pants on in his mate's kitchen]
TV Show: Top Gear
[during the news]
James: The only thing I keep in my car is a little paintbrush for cleaning dust out of the switches.
Richard: You're scaring me, mate...
James: And I always like to have the air vents lined up so they're really completely symmetrical.
Richard: Stop talking now!
James: And if anybody moves them... I get really angry.
Richard to Jeremy: Does genuinely scare me.
James: The only thing I keep in my car is a little paintbrush for cleaning dust out of the switches.
Richard: You're scaring me, mate...
James: And I always like to have the air vents lined up so they're really completely symmetrical.
Richard: Stop talking now!
James: And if anybody moves them... I get really angry.
Richard to Jeremy: Does genuinely scare me.
TV Show: Top Gear
[during the news, while talking about Top Gear Dog's new "doggles"]
James: Those aren't doggles, they're goggles with the G crossed out and replaced with a D.
James: Those aren't doggles, they're goggles with the G crossed out and replaced with a D.
TV Show: Top Gear
[still during the news]
Jeremy: Now, we get loads of...er, letters on this show, very angry ones from people who say we don't do enough, em, affordable cars, you know, family cars. One particularly angry caller last week rang the BBC duty log saying we were a disgrace, well, Mr. Needham, check this out...[a picture of the Vauxhall Corsa appears on the TV screen] That is the new Vauxhall Corsa! [3 seconds later] And, er, moving on now...[audience dissolves into laughter]
Jeremy: Now, we get loads of...er, letters on this show, very angry ones from people who say we don't do enough, em, affordable cars, you know, family cars. One particularly angry caller last week rang the BBC duty log saying we were a disgrace, well, Mr. Needham, check this out...[a picture of the Vauxhall Corsa appears on the TV screen] That is the new Vauxhall Corsa! [3 seconds later] And, er, moving on now...[audience dissolves into laughter]
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the Cool Wall, talking about the Koenigsegg CCX.]
Jeremy: If you go though the Pearly Gates, backwards, in a fireball, that's a cool way to die!
Richard: I love that vision of just blasting through the gates, backwards, in a flaming Swedish supercar! "Yes! I'm here! Where are the women?"
Jeremy: If you go though the Pearly Gates, backwards, in a fireball, that's a cool way to die!
Richard: I love that vision of just blasting through the gates, backwards, in a flaming Swedish supercar! "Yes! I'm here! Where are the women?"
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: (about a Ford Mustang going head-to-head against a Lotus Exige S) "It's got a 4.6 litre 300bhp V8 at the front, rear-wheel drive at the back, and a Stig in the middle."
Jeremy: (about the Exige S, a few seconds later) "And he's lined up alongside a plastic car that was made by some Norfolk turnip farmers, which is being driven by a fat bloke with a dicky hip."
Jeremy: (about the Exige S, a few seconds later) "And he's lined up alongside a plastic car that was made by some Norfolk turnip farmers, which is being driven by a fat bloke with a dicky hip."
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: (the start of the Exige S Power Lap) "Slingshot acceleration, thanks to those semi-slick tires and the fact that this doesn't weigh anything..."
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: I investigate some new in-car dogging technology. Richard races a man dressed as a squirrel. And with a wing and a prayer, the Koenigsegg is back on our track.
Jeremy: Tonight: I investigate some new in-car dogging technology. Richard races a man dressed as a squirrel. And with a wing and a prayer, the Koenigsegg is back on our track.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Stig]
Richard: Some say his ears have a paisley lining, and he's been banned from the Chelsea Flower Show... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
Richard: Some say his ears have a paisley lining, and he's been banned from the Chelsea Flower Show... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
TV Show: Top Gear
[hearing a bang as he drives a Porsche Cayenne Turbo S]
Richard: Ow! Oh, that sounded expensive.
Richard: Ow! Oh, that sounded expensive.
TV Show: Top Gear
[to the guest French fashion designer, who complained about his eating habits]
Jeremy: What's the matter with chips with vinegar on them?
Jeremy: What's the matter with chips with vinegar on them?
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: I'm gonna have to explain all this to my nine-year-old boy. [makes a face] Who's ten, I've just remembered!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [to the Mercedes S-Class onboard computer] Station: Radio 2. [It retunes to Radio 2] And it goes to Radio 2. Or, Station: absolute rubbish. [It retunes to Radio 1] Look! Radio 1! It knows! How brilliant's that?
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the approach the BMW M Division took when developing the Z4M]
Richard: So on this car, they've thrown out the fancy electronic power steering for a more old-fashioned system that they prefer. They've also got rid of those ridiculous run-flat tyres, and they've not messed about with any fancy gearboxes either. They've fitted it with a proper old-fashioned manual.
Richard: [voiceover] That is a set of confident decisions. So naturally, you'd be forgiven for approaching any corner with a similar amount of confidence.
[The Z4M nearly runs off the edge of the track in a corner]
Richard: [countersteering furiously] Whoa! Whoa! Understeer - ! [recovering control] ... Bloody hell! I was not expecting that.
Richard: So on this car, they've thrown out the fancy electronic power steering for a more old-fashioned system that they prefer. They've also got rid of those ridiculous run-flat tyres, and they've not messed about with any fancy gearboxes either. They've fitted it with a proper old-fashioned manual.
Richard: [voiceover] That is a set of confident decisions. So naturally, you'd be forgiven for approaching any corner with a similar amount of confidence.
[The Z4M nearly runs off the edge of the track in a corner]
Richard: [countersteering furiously] Whoa! Whoa! Understeer - ! [recovering control] ... Bloody hell! I was not expecting that.
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: [holding a red Dorset Naga chili pepper] This... is the BMW Z4. [tastes pepper gingerly with the tip of his tongue] GAH!
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: [on the Z4M, still in pain after tasting a red naga chili] It absolutely steals your heart, which is why it's the one I'd drive home. If I could see...
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: [Driving the Porsche Cayenne Turbo S] So, we've devised another Richard Hammond real world test...
[scene continues to car vs skydiver stunt]
[scene continues to car vs skydiver stunt]
TV Show: Top Gear
Jenson Button: I like to enjoy myself as we all do.
Jeremy: [interrupting] So you get a lot of sex.
Jenson: Probably more than you, Jeremy, yes.
Jeremy: [interrupting] So you get a lot of sex.
Jenson: Probably more than you, Jeremy, yes.
TV Show: Top Gear
[regarding photos of the (rather extensive) damage to a Porsche Cayenne and the production vehicle Richard crashed it into]
Richard: Oh, come on now, most of that'll polish out! It was just a slight... shunt.
Jeremy: You set the airbags off in the Porsche, look!
Richard: Actually, that was a bit of a surprise, and a bit of a worthwhile test, because I always thought, you know, an airbag going off would be like resting your head in a big fluffy pillow.
Jeremy: Mmm?
Richard: It's not! It's like being hit in the face with a wrecking ball! You have a crash, "Oh no!" and then boomf!, urgh, it hurts! I didn't like it.
Richard: Oh, come on now, most of that'll polish out! It was just a slight... shunt.
Jeremy: You set the airbags off in the Porsche, look!
Richard: Actually, that was a bit of a surprise, and a bit of a worthwhile test, because I always thought, you know, an airbag going off would be like resting your head in a big fluffy pillow.
Jeremy: Mmm?
Richard: It's not! It's like being hit in the face with a wrecking ball! You have a crash, "Oh no!" and then boomf!, urgh, it hurts! I didn't like it.
TV Show: Top Gear