Top Gear Quotes
[testing Jeremy's redecorated Mercedes, with its concrete floor]
Richard: Sixty miles an hour!
James: [tripping stopwatch] Thirty-five point four seconds!
Richard: Sixty miles an hour!
James: [tripping stopwatch] Thirty-five point four seconds!
TV Show: Top Gear
[Richard's seat has fallen over while negotiating the Hammerhead]
James: Regain control of the cottage!
James: Regain control of the cottage!
TV Show: Top Gear
[at the end of the "cottage" lap]
Richard: D'you know what? This is rubbish.
James: Terrible.
Richard: D'you know what? This is rubbish.
James: Terrible.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Jeremy disputes this finding]
Jeremy: This is the safest car ever made.
Richard: I've got a scar!
James: I've got bruised ribs and a very badly barked shin.
[...]
Jeremy: The brilliance of this car is that you're never really going fast enough to properly hurt yourself.
Richard: You're never really going fast enough to get where you're going in it!
James: Sixty miles an hour, what was it? Thirty-five seconds.
Jeremy: How safe's that?!
Richard: Have you ever - have you ever been in a dining room doing sixty miles an hour?
James: Do you want me to show you what it's like to be smacked on the head with a wingback chair?
[...]
Jeremy: Look, the problem is taste, OK? If you [Richard] made a car to look like the inside of your house, it would have a horse in it. And you [James], your house is just full of pictures of the Queen!
Jeremy: This is the safest car ever made.
Richard: I've got a scar!
James: I've got bruised ribs and a very badly barked shin.
[...]
Jeremy: The brilliance of this car is that you're never really going fast enough to properly hurt yourself.
Richard: You're never really going fast enough to get where you're going in it!
James: Sixty miles an hour, what was it? Thirty-five seconds.
Jeremy: How safe's that?!
Richard: Have you ever - have you ever been in a dining room doing sixty miles an hour?
James: Do you want me to show you what it's like to be smacked on the head with a wingback chair?
[...]
Jeremy: Look, the problem is taste, OK? If you [Richard] made a car to look like the inside of your house, it would have a horse in it. And you [James], your house is just full of pictures of the Queen!
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the re-engineered Koeniggsegg CCX, with altered suspension and an added rear spoiler, and keeping in with the modified S-Class theme]
Jeremy: We're no longer just reviewing cars on Top Gear - we're designing them!
Jeremy: We're no longer just reviewing cars on Top Gear - we're designing them!
TV Show: Top Gear
[Discussing the cottage design of the Mercedes S Class to the French designer]
Jeremy: We'll try it my way... and then we'll finish it. [walks away quickly]
Jeremy: We'll try it my way... and then we'll finish it. [walks away quickly]
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: The new Citroën C6: hovercraft or horse manure? Jackie Stewart teaches Captain Slow how to drive. And don't bother watching the World Cup, because we've sorted it already.
Jeremy: Tonight: The new Citroën C6: hovercraft or horse manure? Jackie Stewart teaches Captain Slow how to drive. And don't bother watching the World Cup, because we've sorted it already.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that the outline of his left nipple is exactly the same shape as the Nürburgring, and that if you give him a really important job to do, he'll skive off and play croquet... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
Jeremy: Some say that the outline of his left nipple is exactly the same shape as the Nürburgring, and that if you give him a really important job to do, he'll skive off and play croquet... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
TV Show: Top Gear
James: OK, here we are with the sitting down news, which comes from Subaru who are arranging a series of track days for £250. You can go the Prodrive test track and thrash around in an Impreza or one of those bigger one whose name is - um -
Jeremy and Richard: Legacy.
James: Legacy, that's the one! Um, there's only a few conditions: you have to be eighteen years or over, you have to have had a full driving license for over a year... ooh, and you have to be between 5 foot 2 and 6 foot 7, so that's you two out. Excellent. [Laughter]
Jeremy: That's "heightist" frankly.
Richard: Yeah, that's "heightist."
James: I can't think of a better recommendation actually.
Jeremy: What?
Richard: Us not being able to do it?
James: Exactly, I'll be going, I'll see you there.
Jeremy and Richard: Legacy.
James: Legacy, that's the one! Um, there's only a few conditions: you have to be eighteen years or over, you have to have had a full driving license for over a year... ooh, and you have to be between 5 foot 2 and 6 foot 7, so that's you two out. Excellent. [Laughter]
Jeremy: That's "heightist" frankly.
Richard: Yeah, that's "heightist."
James: I can't think of a better recommendation actually.
Jeremy: What?
Richard: Us not being able to do it?
James: Exactly, I'll be going, I'll see you there.
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: And after Jeremy's frankly useless efforts were put on the television, a Scottish lady called Jackie Stewart wrote to us saying that she could get any one of us, to any race track in the country, in any car, get us to set our best time, and then she could get us to knock twenty seconds off that time.
Jeremy: He. It's a he. Jackie Stewart's a he.
Richard: Right-o.
Jeremy: Anyway, we decided to accept his challenge and we sent him the most difficult pupil of them all... him. [Jeremy points to James May]
Jeremy: He. It's a he. Jackie Stewart's a he.
Richard: Right-o.
Jeremy: Anyway, we decided to accept his challenge and we sent him the most difficult pupil of them all... him. [Jeremy points to James May]
TV Show: Top Gear
[while driving with Jackie Stewart]
James: This is probably what will happen to me in hell: A TVR, a racetrack and a pedantic Scotsman.
James: This is probably what will happen to me in hell: A TVR, a racetrack and a pedantic Scotsman.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the TVR Tuscan 2 Convertible]
James: In the old days of TVR you would have thought "that's a ticket to a festival of plastic death", but actually I thought it was good. I thought it handled really well.
James: In the old days of TVR you would have thought "that's a ticket to a festival of plastic death", but actually I thought it was good. I thought it handled really well.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: When our guest tonight first came here he was so spectacular, we named a corner in his honour. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome, SIR MICHAEL FOLLOW-THROUGH!
TV Show: Top Gear
[to Michael Gambon]
Jeremy: Last time you were here, in the Liana: 1.55. You did it, in the Lacetti, in one minute... [Jeremy starts writing the time down but stops, holding the pen up] Due to the unique way the BBC is funded, the pen doesn't work!
Jeremy: Last time you were here, in the Liana: 1.55. You did it, in the Lacetti, in one minute... [Jeremy starts writing the time down but stops, holding the pen up] Due to the unique way the BBC is funded, the pen doesn't work!
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Prodrive P2]
Jeremy: You also get a funny little noise from the waste gate when you take your foot off the accelerator... [he lifts off, and we hear the noise] It sounds like squirrels are being pushed into the engine. That's what this is, it's a squirrel mincer!
Jeremy: You also get a funny little noise from the waste gate when you take your foot off the accelerator... [he lifts off, and we hear the noise] It sounds like squirrels are being pushed into the engine. That's what this is, it's a squirrel mincer!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Richard really did have a size problem, and his van was pretty small as well.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [upon seeing the size of the van James had bought] James, are you filming with us today or are you moving house?
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: [voiceover] James was having problems with his illegal immigrant. So, he decided to employ him.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [upon being unable to break into Richard's Suzuki Super Carry] Why don't you just pick the van up and put it in your pocket?
TV Show: Top Gear
[Hammond has just flipped his Suzuki Super Carry.]
Jeremy: So, um, I guess he could be dead!
James: Well, there's a police car at the scene of the accident, so...
Jeremy: Well, if he is dead, and you fancy a job on Top Gear, why not write to us at "I'm better than Richard Hammond was...
Richard: I may have... have overcooked that a bit.
Jeremy: ...BBC, Wood Lane, London W12 7TS!"
Jeremy: So, um, I guess he could be dead!
James: Well, there's a police car at the scene of the accident, so...
Jeremy: Well, if he is dead, and you fancy a job on Top Gear, why not write to us at "I'm better than Richard Hammond was...
Richard: I may have... have overcooked that a bit.
Jeremy: ...BBC, Wood Lane, London W12 7TS!"
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the 2006 Monaco GP]
Jeremy: That's the trouble with Formula 1! Everyone's obsessed about sporting behaviour! You see at the Nürburgring, up there at qualifying, the... what's his name, the other Renault driver, Fisichella... Fisichella charging down the pit lane to go and plant one on Villeneuve. And they go "Oooh that's not very sporting!" IT IS! He's a young Mediterranean racing driver and he wants to plant a big [punching noise and action] on a stupid, short-sighted, baggy-trousered Canadian. And he should've got points for it! He should've got extra points for that.
Richard: Are you saying drivers should just get, like, random points?
Jeremy: Yes!
Richard: And who's going to give them these points?
Jeremy: Me!
[...]
Jeremy: I've got another idea! You know people in Sheffield nightclubs that are always egging their mates to have a fight?
Richard: Well, yes, I do.
Jeremy: Every one of the pit garages should have one of those. [Geordie accent] "'Ey, you seen that Alonso? 'E were lookin' at your pit board."
Richard: What, starting fights?
Jeremy: [Still in Geordie accent] "'E's spilt your practice lap, what you gonna do? You can't do nothin'."
[...]
Jeremy: Listen, Bernie, if you're watching, you've got my number. Gimme a call and some leaves, I'm your man.
Jeremy: That's the trouble with Formula 1! Everyone's obsessed about sporting behaviour! You see at the Nürburgring, up there at qualifying, the... what's his name, the other Renault driver, Fisichella... Fisichella charging down the pit lane to go and plant one on Villeneuve. And they go "Oooh that's not very sporting!" IT IS! He's a young Mediterranean racing driver and he wants to plant a big [punching noise and action] on a stupid, short-sighted, baggy-trousered Canadian. And he should've got points for it! He should've got extra points for that.
Richard: Are you saying drivers should just get, like, random points?
Jeremy: Yes!
Richard: And who's going to give them these points?
Jeremy: Me!
[...]
Jeremy: I've got another idea! You know people in Sheffield nightclubs that are always egging their mates to have a fight?
Richard: Well, yes, I do.
Jeremy: Every one of the pit garages should have one of those. [Geordie accent] "'Ey, you seen that Alonso? 'E were lookin' at your pit board."
Richard: What, starting fights?
Jeremy: [Still in Geordie accent] "'E's spilt your practice lap, what you gonna do? You can't do nothin'."
[...]
Jeremy: Listen, Bernie, if you're watching, you've got my number. Gimme a call and some leaves, I'm your man.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Prodrive P2, after being made car-sick by its incredible cornering grip]
Jeremy: It can blow your mind... but also empty your stomach.
Jeremy: It can blow your mind... but also empty your stomach.
TV Show: Top Gear
[during the news, talking about the Audi RS4 convertible]
Jeremy: Listen, but Uma Thurman's got big hands, you're not going to say "get out of my house," are you?
James: Yes.
Richard: Because she's got big hands?
James: I don't like girls with big hands.
Jeremy: Why don't you like girls with big hands?
James: Well it just looks wrong, doesn't it? You get a woman with big hands that goes, "Hi James, I'm Uma!'" [exaggerates big hand movements]
Jeremy: Listen, but Uma Thurman's got big hands, you're not going to say "get out of my house," are you?
James: Yes.
Richard: Because she's got big hands?
James: I don't like girls with big hands.
Jeremy: Why don't you like girls with big hands?
James: Well it just looks wrong, doesn't it? You get a woman with big hands that goes, "Hi James, I'm Uma!'" [exaggerates big hand movements]
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [voiceover, on the Citroën CX] Trying to drive this car through a town was like trying to wire a plug while wearing boxing gloves. It was always going to end in tears.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [on the Citroën C6] But I want it to feel completely different to any other car. I want to start it by licking a little panel here on the steering wheel. I want the gear lever to be made of rhubarb and to stick out of the sun visor. I want to feel like I'm in a Salvador Dalí painting and it's all melting. [...] Is this an indicator? Yes it is. It shouldn't be! That should be the boot release. The indicator should be, I don't know, [opens center console] in here somewhere. It's all wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong. [voiceover] As a car, it's conventional too. It's front-wheel-drive rather than side-wheel-drive, and prices start at 29 and a half thousand pounds, rather than 29 and a half thousand zarps.
TV Show: Top Gear