Top Gear Quotes
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: [voiceover] Tonight: we drive a Formula One car... indoors; Hannibal Lector is in our Reasonably-Priced Car; and we go on a caravan holiday!
Jeremy: [voiceover] Tonight: we drive a Formula One car... indoors; Hannibal Lector is in our Reasonably-Priced Car; and we go on a caravan holiday!
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say he invented Branston Pickle, and that if you insult his mother, he will head-butt you in the chest... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
Jeremy: Some say he invented Branston Pickle, and that if you insult his mother, he will head-butt you in the chest... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [On the Mazda 6 MPS] And you don't have to worry about all the oomph making the chassis go 'blblblbl' and fall to pieces because it's got four wheel drive.
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the news, James suggests the Daihatsu Copen]
Richard: You would look such a spanner in that!
James: No I wouldn't!
Richard: Yes you would, because you'd be sticking up above up with your big floppy hair like a spaniel. Never, ever, ever, ever buy a car which you are taller than, when you’re sitting in it, than it is long. You'll look like Noddy with bad hair!
Richard: You would look such a spanner in that!
James: No I wouldn't!
Richard: Yes you would, because you'd be sticking up above up with your big floppy hair like a spaniel. Never, ever, ever, ever buy a car which you are taller than, when you’re sitting in it, than it is long. You'll look like Noddy with bad hair!
TV Show: Top Gear
James: Now, look at this, there's a study out here, it says people with those speed camera detectors are 600% less likely to get a speeding ticket than the rest of us. In other news, it's been revealed that people with metal detectors are 600% less likely to step on land mines.
TV Show: Top Gear
James: [On driving a bus] Yeah, it's easier [than sitting here] actually. 'Cause you're not being filmed. So you can have a joint. No! Sorry.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Chaps.
James: Yes?
Jeremy: There's a list of essential accessories.
James: Ok, let's see if we've got them.
Jeremy: Step?
Richard: No.
Jeremy: Water container?
Richard: No.
Jeremy: Mains hook up lead?
Richard: No.
Jeremy: Leisure battery?
Richard: No.
Jeremy: Gas cylinders?
Richard: No.
Jeremy: Towing mirrors?
All: YES!
Jeremy: We could be gypsies.
James: Yes?
Jeremy: There's a list of essential accessories.
James: Ok, let's see if we've got them.
Jeremy: Step?
Richard: No.
Jeremy: Water container?
Richard: No.
Jeremy: Mains hook up lead?
Richard: No.
Jeremy: Leisure battery?
Richard: No.
Jeremy: Gas cylinders?
Richard: No.
Jeremy: Towing mirrors?
All: YES!
Jeremy: We could be gypsies.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: James, the car is weaving about.
Richard: It's not—this is not natural.
James: Really alarming!
Richard: [voiceover] So, we consulted the caravan handbook.
Jeremy: [quoting the handbook] "When a swaying caravan starts to dictate the direction of travel, you have a snake."
Richard: No, you have a crash!
Jeremy: Exactly! [quoting] "Try to keep it in the straight ahead position, and allow the outfit to slow down gradually." [commenting] And that's not true! You put your foot down, don't you?
Richard: Power out of it. Always!
James: Yeah!
Jeremy: Power out!
Richard: Yes, if in doubt, give it more power.
Jeremy: [holding up the handbook] This is wrong!
Richard: It's not—this is not natural.
James: Really alarming!
Richard: [voiceover] So, we consulted the caravan handbook.
Jeremy: [quoting the handbook] "When a swaying caravan starts to dictate the direction of travel, you have a snake."
Richard: No, you have a crash!
Jeremy: Exactly! [quoting] "Try to keep it in the straight ahead position, and allow the outfit to slow down gradually." [commenting] And that's not true! You put your foot down, don't you?
Richard: Power out of it. Always!
James: Yeah!
Jeremy: Power out!
Richard: Yes, if in doubt, give it more power.
Jeremy: [holding up the handbook] This is wrong!
TV Show: Top Gear
James: This car feels really odd.
Jeremy: James, it—what's a Kia C—
Richard: Thingy.
Jeremy: Soprano, Sudoku... It's not a good car.
Jeremy: James, it—what's a Kia C—
Richard: Thingy.
Jeremy: Soprano, Sudoku... It's not a good car.
TV Show: Top Gear
James: Do you know what's behind us?
Jeremy: What?
James: Horse box.
Richard: What, we're holding up a horse box?
Jeremy: Ah, now that's payback. I like that. I'll write him a message. [He picks up the keypad for an LED messageboard bought at the service station] Serves... You... ["Serves you right!" appears on the screen at the back of the caravan]
Jeremy: What?
James: Horse box.
Richard: What, we're holding up a horse box?
Jeremy: Ah, now that's payback. I like that. I'll write him a message. [He picks up the keypad for an LED messageboard bought at the service station] Serves... You... ["Serves you right!" appears on the screen at the back of the caravan]
TV Show: Top Gear
[riding in the tow car on a single-carriageway country road]
Richard: Oh, I've just seen the queue [behind them] as we came off the roundabout! I can't live with the shame!
Richard: Oh, I've just seen the queue [behind them] as we came off the roundabout! I can't live with the shame!
TV Show: Top Gear
[police sirens are heard]
Jeremy: Police are here! Runaway!
Richard: Run! Hide in a bush!
Jeremy: Police are here! Runaway!
Richard: Run! Hide in a bush!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: So far we'd learnt that if there are any joys to caravanning they certainly weren't to be had on the journey. All we'd done on the way to Dorset is crash into things, bicker, get cautioned by the police, cause a lot of jams, have a puncture, clear up some dog sick, have a noisy disgusting picnic at the side of the road and get stuck.
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: Oh no, Jeremy it's worse... over there. That's not a sign you ever want to read on your holiday. [points to a sign that reads: "Toilet Chemical Disposal Only"]
TV Show: Top Gear
[After Richard is "abducted" by an elderly fan in a neighbouring caravan]
James: What's Hammond doing with the dog?
Jeremy: The dog went in with him.
James: Really?
Jeremy: Him and the dog and the biggish woman are in a caravan.
James: What's Hammond doing with the dog?
Jeremy: The dog went in with him.
James: Really?
Jeremy: Him and the dog and the biggish woman are in a caravan.
TV Show: Top Gear
James: It is amazing upholstery, I went in there and I immediately wanted a curry.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [peeking in the caravan after they park up] Ohh... [seeing shattered dishes on the floor] Oh no.
Richard: Ooh!
James: Oh, dear.
Richard: [laughing] Oh, my word. Wha...
[the caravan tips back as they all enter]
All: Woah!
Jeremy: Oh my God!
James: You've got to put the legs down first.
Richard: We're not brilliant at this are we?
Richard: Ooh!
James: Oh, dear.
Richard: [laughing] Oh, my word. Wha...
[the caravan tips back as they all enter]
All: Woah!
Jeremy: Oh my God!
James: You've got to put the legs down first.
Richard: We're not brilliant at this are we?
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: Ow!
Jeremy: Was that your finger?
Richard: [singsong voice] There's gonna be swearing!
Jeremy: Was that your finger?
Richard: [singsong voice] There's gonna be swearing!
TV Show: Top Gear
[examining the tiny berth Jeremy has to sleep in]
James: That's not a bed, is it?
Richard: [laughing] There is no way you are gonna make it through the night!
Jeremy: I have worked my fingers to the bone for this!
James: What a reward!
Richard: You can't sleep on that, Jeremy. It's gonna go, and then you'll break your back in the middle of the night... and that'll wake everybody!
Jeremy: You two are sleeping in a double bed! I'm gonna ring "The Daily Mail" immediately!
James: That's not a bed, is it?
Richard: [laughing] There is no way you are gonna make it through the night!
Jeremy: I have worked my fingers to the bone for this!
James: What a reward!
Richard: You can't sleep on that, Jeremy. It's gonna go, and then you'll break your back in the middle of the night... and that'll wake everybody!
Jeremy: You two are sleeping in a double bed! I'm gonna ring "The Daily Mail" immediately!
TV Show: Top Gear
[Richard is exploring the caravan after they are finally parked up]
Richard: What the heck! [voiceover] And then I discovered Jeremy's secret weapon. Literally.
Jeremy: Ah, yes. I brought that. [Hammond reveals what Jeremy had packed, and hands it to Jeremy] Yeah, well, you might— I thought—
Richard: That's an AK-47.
Jeremy: I know. I thought I might need it.
Richard: Why?
Jeremy: A weekend in a box with James May and I thought, what am I gonna need?
Richard: You're not a practical man, are you?
Richard: What the heck! [voiceover] And then I discovered Jeremy's secret weapon. Literally.
Jeremy: Ah, yes. I brought that. [Hammond reveals what Jeremy had packed, and hands it to Jeremy] Yeah, well, you might— I thought—
Richard: That's an AK-47.
Jeremy: I know. I thought I might need it.
Richard: Why?
Jeremy: A weekend in a box with James May and I thought, what am I gonna need?
Richard: You're not a practical man, are you?
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Can I just say guys, I've got a king sized bed at home.
Richard: I like it.
James: I like it. It's nice... it's homey.
Richard: No, I'm alright with caravanning!
[A train is heard in the distance]
Jeremy: Oh good, a train!
Richard: Nice, that's nice.
Jeremy: Listen. How often is that gonna happen all night?
James: It's alright. It's romantic.
Richard: Don't say things like that! I'm on the same bed as you!
Richard: I like it.
James: I like it. It's nice... it's homey.
Richard: No, I'm alright with caravanning!
[A train is heard in the distance]
Jeremy: Oh good, a train!
Richard: Nice, that's nice.
Jeremy: Listen. How often is that gonna happen all night?
James: It's alright. It's romantic.
Richard: Don't say things like that! I'm on the same bed as you!
TV Show: Top Gear
James: I'm gonna go off and I'm gonna find one of those ruddy-faced farmers and his organic, rosy-cheeked wife, and get some free-range eggs and... grass-fed bacon, and all that local produce.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: How do I "Release The Excrements"?
Richard: Ohhhh... you're so on your own with that job!
Richard: Ohhhh... you're so on your own with that job!
TV Show: Top Gear
[on taking a caravan holiday]
Jeremy: Why do 17% of British people want to do this? [mocking] "I know: for our holiday, let's empty our turds out ourselves."
Jeremy: Why do 17% of British people want to do this? [mocking] "I know: for our holiday, let's empty our turds out ourselves."
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [complaining about the camp site] You aren't allowed to have a fire, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to play music, you have to be in bed by eleven, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you can't have anything. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!
TV Show: Top Gear