Top Gear Quotes
Jeremy: She spent twelve thousand pounds on a caravan so she can go to a field and defecate in a bucket! I'm sorry, but when we come to power, caravanning is going to be banned, and that's it.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Jeremy is reading a Thai cookery book, planning lunch]
Jeremy: James, you know that shop you went to this morning? Did it have any raw prawns?
James: No.
Jeremy: Coconut milk?
James: No.
Jeremy: Green curry paste?
James: No.
Jeremy: Coriander leaves? Snake beans?
James: It had some potatoes.
Jeremy: Oh, well I'd do chips then.
[he then causes a pan fire which then burns down their, and the adjoining, caravan]
Jeremy: Oh God. Uh, Richard!
Richard: What?
Jeremy: Richard, have you got a fire extinguisher?
Richard: No. Why?
Jeremy: [outside] How do you put a pan fire out?
James: Tea towel in water.
Jeremy: [inside, the cabinets are shown burning] Richard, are there any water?
Richard: No, I used it all on my hair.
Jeremy: Guys, it is no longer a pan fire, it's a van fire.
Jeremy: James, you know that shop you went to this morning? Did it have any raw prawns?
James: No.
Jeremy: Coconut milk?
James: No.
Jeremy: Green curry paste?
James: No.
Jeremy: Coriander leaves? Snake beans?
James: It had some potatoes.
Jeremy: Oh, well I'd do chips then.
[he then causes a pan fire which then burns down their, and the adjoining, caravan]
Jeremy: Oh God. Uh, Richard!
Richard: What?
Jeremy: Richard, have you got a fire extinguisher?
Richard: No. Why?
Jeremy: [outside] How do you put a pan fire out?
James: Tea towel in water.
Jeremy: [inside, the cabinets are shown burning] Richard, are there any water?
Richard: No, I used it all on my hair.
Jeremy: Guys, it is no longer a pan fire, it's a van fire.
TV Show: Top Gear
[towing away the torched wreck of their caravan]
Jeremy: All things considered, how do you think the holiday went?
Richard: ...I think "well."
Jeremy: All things considered, how do you think the holiday went?
Richard: ...I think "well."
TV Show: Top Gear
[in the studio, talking about their caravan holiday]
Jeremy: Okay, you two gave it your best shot. You tried to like it. Did you?
Richard: No, absolutely not.
James: I would like it, I think, if I were on my own.
Richard: Do you seriously think you're gonna be welcomed in ANY campsite after that?
Jeremy: Okay, you two gave it your best shot. You tried to like it. Did you?
Richard: No, absolutely not.
James: I would like it, I think, if I were on my own.
Richard: Do you seriously think you're gonna be welcomed in ANY campsite after that?
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight: Is a Peugeot faster than two men? Has Lamborghini gone mad again? And can we build a whole car in 8 hours?
Jeremy: Tonight: Is a Peugeot faster than two men? Has Lamborghini gone mad again? And can we build a whole car in 8 hours?
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the news]
Richard: But if you think about this, the Chinese, they say they're gonna be investing ten million pounds in Longbridge, yeah? Well... that's a lot of money, if you're gonna spend it on sweets. But I've done some research on this, seriously, Mercedes spend ten million pounds on research alone... every single day! So where's that gonna go?
Jeremy: Well, exactly, no - and they end up with cars that you might want to buy. Now, I can't think of anyone I've ever met who thinks, "Yes, my life would be complete if I could buy an eleven-year-old sports car that's made in China and then nailed together by a bunch of blokes in Birmingham."
James: What you're forgetting is the, is the great affection that is felt all over the world for the traditional Blitish sports car.
Richard: But if you think about this, the Chinese, they say they're gonna be investing ten million pounds in Longbridge, yeah? Well... that's a lot of money, if you're gonna spend it on sweets. But I've done some research on this, seriously, Mercedes spend ten million pounds on research alone... every single day! So where's that gonna go?
Jeremy: Well, exactly, no - and they end up with cars that you might want to buy. Now, I can't think of anyone I've ever met who thinks, "Yes, my life would be complete if I could buy an eleven-year-old sports car that's made in China and then nailed together by a bunch of blokes in Birmingham."
James: What you're forgetting is the, is the great affection that is felt all over the world for the traditional Blitish sports car.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Hey, now, talking of getting in touch, we have a number of people after last week's show got in touch to complain.
Richard: They did.
Jeremy: We had... well, I said something about a Muslim, OK? Two complaints. Remember Jesus came last week and, I talked to Him? Three complaints. We were slightly rude about caravans...
Richard: Yeah, we sort of set one on fire a bit.
Jeremy: A hundred and fifty complaints. : [Crowd laughs]
Richard: Seriously.
Jeremy: A hundred and fifty and lots of people are now demanding an apology.
Richard: They are. So erm, we really are sorry. And we promise, that we will, all three of us, never ever go caravanning again.
Jeremy: No! No, no, no! I'm sorry we didn't burn more caravans!
Richard: You're right, so am I! Yeah. That's true.
Richard: They did.
Jeremy: We had... well, I said something about a Muslim, OK? Two complaints. Remember Jesus came last week and, I talked to Him? Three complaints. We were slightly rude about caravans...
Richard: Yeah, we sort of set one on fire a bit.
Jeremy: A hundred and fifty complaints. : [Crowd laughs]
Richard: Seriously.
Jeremy: A hundred and fifty and lots of people are now demanding an apology.
Richard: They are. So erm, we really are sorry. And we promise, that we will, all three of us, never ever go caravanning again.
Jeremy: No! No, no, no! I'm sorry we didn't burn more caravans!
Richard: You're right, so am I! Yeah. That's true.
TV Show: Top Gear
[About the Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder Convertible]
Jeremy: There are faults. The steering wheel for instance, is covered in a bath mat. And if you push the seat all the way back, as I have to, it squeaks, against the firewall. Can you hear that? Does that the whole time you're driving along. And, you can never find the seat belt. I DON'T CARE!!!
Jeremy: You can try to drive it quietly if you want to, but it's impossible, because if you accidentally stray over 3500 rpm you just get this sort of... bark, of that. [Stepping on the gas] You hear that? Quiet... Bark! AAARRR!
Jeremy: There are faults. The steering wheel for instance, is covered in a bath mat. And if you push the seat all the way back, as I have to, it squeaks, against the firewall. Can you hear that? Does that the whole time you're driving along. And, you can never find the seat belt. I DON'T CARE!!!
Jeremy: You can try to drive it quietly if you want to, but it's impossible, because if you accidentally stray over 3500 rpm you just get this sort of... bark, of that. [Stepping on the gas] You hear that? Quiet... Bark! AAARRR!
TV Show: Top Gear
[On the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that on really warm days, he sheds his skin like a snake, and that for some reason, he's allergic to the Dutch... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
Jeremy: Some say that on really warm days, he sheds his skin like a snake, and that for some reason, he's allergic to the Dutch... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
TV Show: Top Gear
James: Yes, it's the Mercedes B-class! Keen students of the alphabet will probably have worked out already that this is one up from the A-class.
TV Show: Top Gear
[In the Caterham race]
James: Don't hit it with a hammer!
Jeremy: Why?
James: ...because that's the tool of a pikey!
James: Don't hit it with a hammer!
Jeremy: Why?
James: ...because that's the tool of a pikey!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: The Stig was now on the M40 and had the hammer down. I, too, had put my hammer down, and picked up a spanner! And something was bound to go wrong.
TV Show: Top Gear
James: Meanwhile, down in Oxford, the Stig was revealing something new about himself... he has a bladder!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: The nipple is off, the tube is in the hole... I will be needing some pump.
TV Show: Top Gear
[realizing he installed the driver's seat backwards in the Caterham Challenge]
Jeremy: How did I do that?
Jeremy: How did I do that?
TV Show: Top Gear
[on building the Caterham]
Jeremy: [monotone] Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Boring. Boring. [Hammond attempts to eat the manual.] Dull. Tedious. Annoying. Back-ache. Arm-ache. [Hammond continues trying to destroy the manual] Cramp. Miserable. Hate. James. May.
Jeremy: [monotone] Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Boring. Boring. [Hammond attempts to eat the manual.] Dull. Tedious. Annoying. Back-ache. Arm-ache. [Hammond continues trying to destroy the manual] Cramp. Miserable. Hate. James. May.
TV Show: Top Gear
James: You should feel it go stiff now.
Jeremy: Pump, man! Pump! Braking happening?
Richard: Oh, yeah, that's much better. That's hard.
Jeremy: Pump, man! Pump! Braking happening?
Richard: Oh, yeah, that's much better. That's hard.
TV Show: Top Gear
James: How hard can it be to build a kit car?
Richard: Well, as it turns out: very! Because all you did all the way was shout at Jeremy.
Jeremy: And all I wanted to do was stick a screwdriver in the side of his head!
Richard: Well, as it turns out: very! Because all you did all the way was shout at Jeremy.
Jeremy: And all I wanted to do was stick a screwdriver in the side of his head!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: After we'd finished, the people at Caterham put a plaque on our car, can you see that? [We see a plaque reading "Built by Top Gear"] Which has rendered this car absolutely worthless.
TV Show: Top Gear
[While racing the Peugeot 207 against the parkour boys]
James: I'm not going to be beaten by some pre-pubescent teenagers in camouflaged trousers.
James: I'm not going to be beaten by some pre-pubescent teenagers in camouflaged trousers.
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Noble's difficult third album comes to our track; the art of being a white van man; and the Suzuki Liana is back with some bloke called Jenson Button!
Jeremy: Tonight: Noble's difficult third album comes to our track; the art of being a white van man; and the Suzuki Liana is back with some bloke called Jenson Button!
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: And, then, inside, it's the usual blend of dead animal and rainforest, but with a twist!
TV Show: Top Gear
[Richard and James are talking about the Rolls-Royce 101EX's ceiling, which has lots of little lights on that look like stars]
Jeremy: [from across the studio] That is DISGUSTING!
Richard: Oh, dear! I fear Jeremy may be heading this way with an opinion!
Jeremy: [from across the studio] That is DISGUSTING!
Richard: Oh, dear! I fear Jeremy may be heading this way with an opinion!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: This, if they ever put it into production, and if it has all this stuff on it, will have to be called the Rolls-Royce Vulgarsonic.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [To Richard] I've just had a really good idea! Why don't you shut up? And why don't you tell the all the ladies and gentlemen, with your Tippex teeth, about the car that you've been driving that I haven't.
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: Now, the previous Noble, the M12, was a real "wham, bam, thank you ma'am" punch in the back.
TV Show: Top Gear