Top Gear Quotes
[at a car dealer in Miami]
Jeremy: It's $2900 this. It's a big ask to get him down to a thousand. I might offer him a burger...
[the obese car dealer arrives to show the vehicle]
Jeremy: Very popular with murderers, these cars.
Obese Car Dealer: Yeah.
Jeremy: It's $2900 this. It's a big ask to get him down to a thousand. I might offer him a burger...
[the obese car dealer arrives to show the vehicle]
Jeremy: Very popular with murderers, these cars.
Obese Car Dealer: Yeah.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [To the car dealer] How much murdering goes on here?
Car Dealer: A lot. If you go one mile away from here- if you go to any street-
Jeremy: I'll be murdered.
Car Dealer: Yeah. Everybody up here, they got guns. Including me. Wanna see? [Pulls out a gun]
Jeremy: He's not joking!
Car Dealer: It's real- here- [takes out the magazine, hands the gun to Jeremy]
Jeremy: [takes the gun] Now, you see, I wasn't ready for that.
Car Dealer: Welcome to United States.
[cut to Jeremy walking out of a door, carrying a rifle]
Jeremy: [to camera] This is his other gun. [To the dealer] That's not a shotgun Robert, that's a rifle.
Car Dealer (Robert, I guess.): Yeah, that's a rifle. The Shotgun is... somewhere else. I don't know.
Jeremy: You need this if you're going to be a car salesman?
Robert: The guy right here, If you go two blocks down here, he got shot 5 times.
Jeremy: Why, by someone buying a car?
Robert: He killed the guy.
Jeremy: HE killed the guy?
Robert: He killed the guy.
Jeremy: So why have you got telescopic sights on here?
Robert: Because if they go far away you just shoot them. You saw the movie, John Wayne? The guy is runnning all the way, like 500 feet, and phyw! You shoot him right there.
[cut to Richard answering his phone]
Jeremy: Hammond.
Richard: Yes, Jeremy, How're you doing?
Jeremy: Just been told by my new best friend- Robert, the Persian- if you go beyond 79th street you will definitely be murdered.
Richard: [looks panicked] What?
Jeremy: Good bye. [hangs up]
[cut to Jeremy]Jeremy: Hammond is wearing cowboy boots. T
Car Dealer: A lot. If you go one mile away from here- if you go to any street-
Jeremy: I'll be murdered.
Car Dealer: Yeah. Everybody up here, they got guns. Including me. Wanna see? [Pulls out a gun]
Jeremy: He's not joking!
Car Dealer: It's real- here- [takes out the magazine, hands the gun to Jeremy]
Jeremy: [takes the gun] Now, you see, I wasn't ready for that.
Car Dealer: Welcome to United States.
[cut to Jeremy walking out of a door, carrying a rifle]
Jeremy: [to camera] This is his other gun. [To the dealer] That's not a shotgun Robert, that's a rifle.
Car Dealer (Robert, I guess.): Yeah, that's a rifle. The Shotgun is... somewhere else. I don't know.
Jeremy: You need this if you're going to be a car salesman?
Robert: The guy right here, If you go two blocks down here, he got shot 5 times.
Jeremy: Why, by someone buying a car?
Robert: He killed the guy.
Jeremy: HE killed the guy?
Robert: He killed the guy.
Jeremy: So why have you got telescopic sights on here?
Robert: Because if they go far away you just shoot them. You saw the movie, John Wayne? The guy is runnning all the way, like 500 feet, and phyw! You shoot him right there.
[cut to Richard answering his phone]
Jeremy: Hammond.
Richard: Yes, Jeremy, How're you doing?
Jeremy: Just been told by my new best friend- Robert, the Persian- if you go beyond 79th street you will definitely be murdered.
Richard: [looks panicked] What?
Jeremy: Good bye. [hangs up]
[cut to Jeremy]Jeremy: Hammond is wearing cowboy boots. T
TV Show: Top Gear
[regarding James being late]
Jeremy: He will have walked into a dealership - [imitating James' voice] "Hello!" - and they'll have shot him!
[Richard laughs]
Jeremy: He will have walked into a dealership - [imitating James' voice] "Hello!" - and they'll have shot him!
[Richard laughs]
TV Show: Top Gear
[regarding James' Cadillac]
James: It isn't fast, b—
Richard: You don't say, it's not fast! Is it not mate? I took one look and thought, "ooo, it looks like a Lotus Exige!"
James: It isn't fast, b—
Richard: You don't say, it's not fast! Is it not mate? I took one look and thought, "ooo, it looks like a Lotus Exige!"
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [Over the CB radios] Brokeback, Brokeback. This is Murderer.
Richard: This is Brokeback to Murderer and the Captain.
Jeremy: [Shot of Jeremy, looking confused as the sound that spews out of the CB radio is entirely indecipherable] I wonder why these CB radios never caught on...
James: Breaker breaker One-Nine Contact Eyeball Ten Ten 'till we do it again Captain Slow.
Richard: He's there! [Points out the window to James' car] He's there and I can't understand him!
Richard: This is Brokeback to Murderer and the Captain.
Jeremy: [Shot of Jeremy, looking confused as the sound that spews out of the CB radio is entirely indecipherable] I wonder why these CB radios never caught on...
James: Breaker breaker One-Nine Contact Eyeball Ten Ten 'till we do it again Captain Slow.
Richard: He's there! [Points out the window to James' car] He's there and I can't understand him!
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: [imitating a lorry driver in Florida] It's raining, I'm going north and I'm looking for a whore!
TV Show: Top Gear
[James May explaining the artwork on his car]: To understand what Jeremy has done to the car, you must understand that this is deep Republican territory. That woman is the Arch-Democrat. She's the Anti-Christ.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Jeremy and the others are passing into Alabama and notice bullet-holes in the sign]
Jeremy: They shot their own sign. What are they gonna do to us?
Jeremy: They shot their own sign. What are they gonna do to us?
TV Show: Top Gear
[escaping the redneck gas station]
Jeremy: I've just remembered, I've actually got loads of petrol. [drives off]
Jeremy: I've just remembered, I've actually got loads of petrol. [drives off]
TV Show: Top Gear
[As the trio decides to flee the gas station]
James: Hammond?
Richard: What?
James: Jump leads!
Richard: You're joking...
James: Hammond?
Richard: What?
James: Jump leads!
Richard: You're joking...
TV Show: Top Gear
[after wiping of the "offending" artwork]
Jeremy (narrating): With the artwork gone, we hit the road...hard.
Jeremy: I'm doing something I'd never thought I would do. I am running for the border.
James: God in heaven, that was actually frightening.
Richard: They could've killed us!
Jeremy: They really do have an irony deficiency here. I can honestly believe that in certain parts of America now, people have started to mate with vegetables.
Jeremy (narrating): With the artwork gone, we hit the road...hard.
Jeremy: I'm doing something I'd never thought I would do. I am running for the border.
James: God in heaven, that was actually frightening.
Richard: They could've killed us!
Jeremy: They really do have an irony deficiency here. I can honestly believe that in certain parts of America now, people have started to mate with vegetables.
TV Show: Top Gear
[discussing their challenge to eat road-kill]
Richard: 'Well that's okay. [to Jeremy] You can prepare it, wash it and such, I can cook it and James can dress for dinner!
Richard: 'Well that's okay. [to Jeremy] You can prepare it, wash it and such, I can cook it and James can dress for dinner!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [while carrying a tortoise off the road] Urgh! Don't do that, tortoise! [Drops tortoise]
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: How can you get... there's no wild tortoises here.
Richard: Well, they gotta be somewhere.
Jeremy: It's escaped from some 8-year-old girl's bedroom.
Richard: How can a tortoise escape? [pretends to chase a tortoise in slow motion] Come back! Come back!
[Jeremy laughs]
Richard: Well, they gotta be somewhere.
Jeremy: It's escaped from some 8-year-old girl's bedroom.
Richard: How can a tortoise escape? [pretends to chase a tortoise in slow motion] Come back! Come back!
[Jeremy laughs]
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: I'm thinking how long I've been out in the sun, putting that tent up. Because what I'm seeing—and you'll love this—is a cow on the roof of your Camaro.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Jeremy has just pulled up with a cow on his roof]
Jeremy: What we've got to do now is...
Richard: ...peel it.
[Jeremy laughs]
Jeremy: What we've got to do now is...
Richard: ...peel it.
[Jeremy laughs]
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: If you're thinking of coming to America, this is what it's like: you've got your Comfort Inn; you got your Best Western; you got your Red Lobster where you eat. Everybody's very fat, everybody's very stupid and everybody's very rude. It's not the holiday programme—it's the truth.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the devastation in New Orleans]
Jeremy: How can the rest of America sleep at night knowing that this is here?
Jeremy: How can the rest of America sleep at night knowing that this is here?
TV Show: Top Gear
[Closing remarks]
Jeremy: So, this week we have two Top Gear Top Tips for you. Firstly, yes, you can buy instead of rent, and secondly, don't go to America!
Jeremy: So, this week we have two Top Gear Top Tips for you. Firstly, yes, you can buy instead of rent, and secondly, don't go to America!
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: One small stumble for man as we build a space shuttle; I drive a nuclear bomb disguised as a Mercedes; and Simon Pegg makes a hot fuzz in our Reasonably-Priced Car.
Simon: [timidly] Help!
Jeremy: Tonight: One small stumble for man as we build a space shuttle; I drive a nuclear bomb disguised as a Mercedes; and Simon Pegg makes a hot fuzz in our Reasonably-Priced Car.
Simon: [timidly] Help!
TV Show: Top Gear
[Talking about Porsches vs Ferrarris]
Jeremy: ... It's like David Attenborough. I respect David Attenborough, I mean just, infinite respect, in the same way I respect that car. But I have no passion for him; I don't want to make love to him.
Richard: Yeah but... [audience laughing] But I have respect and passion for the 911.
Jeremy: There you are, you just admitted on television that you wanna make love to David Attenborough.
Jeremy: ... It's like David Attenborough. I respect David Attenborough, I mean just, infinite respect, in the same way I respect that car. But I have no passion for him; I don't want to make love to him.
Richard: Yeah but... [audience laughing] But I have respect and passion for the 911.
Jeremy: There you are, you just admitted on television that you wanna make love to David Attenborough.
TV Show: Top Gear
[News about Porsche 911, continued from the earlier discussion...]
Richard: It's possibly the ultimate 911.
Jeremy: In the same way that Ebola is the ultimate tropical disease, [Pointing to the 911 roll cage] what's all that scaffolding in the back?
Richard: Well, it's a roll cage.
Jeremy: No, I'm sorry. If I see scaffolding around a building, I'll go Oh look, they haven't finished that yet. I'm sorry, I'm gonna say that's not finished.
Richard: It's possibly the ultimate 911.
Jeremy: In the same way that Ebola is the ultimate tropical disease, [Pointing to the 911 roll cage] what's all that scaffolding in the back?
Richard: Well, it's a roll cage.
Jeremy: No, I'm sorry. If I see scaffolding around a building, I'll go Oh look, they haven't finished that yet. I'm sorry, I'm gonna say that's not finished.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Still on the Porsche 911, after Hammond explained the intricacies of using it in daily life]
James: So in the real world my 1.2 litre Fiat Panda is faster to the shops.
Richard: No mate, it's just not.
James: Because I've got to put the seatbelt on once. You have got to do it six times.
Richard: OK, I've got to do that and wait whilst you put your seatbelts on and then go through all your preflight checks, and make sure all the airvents are all in the same direction. [audience laughing]
James: So in the real world my 1.2 litre Fiat Panda is faster to the shops.
Richard: No mate, it's just not.
James: Because I've got to put the seatbelt on once. You have got to do it six times.
Richard: OK, I've got to do that and wait whilst you put your seatbelts on and then go through all your preflight checks, and make sure all the airvents are all in the same direction. [audience laughing]
TV Show: Top Gear
[About the BBC requiring all its employees to take a safe driving course]
Jeremy: [Reading from a paper] The BBC is committed to reducing the risks from this activity (driving). They are making it sound like masturbation.
James: Stop driving or you'll go blind.
Jeremy: Exactly!
Jeremy: [Reading from a paper] The BBC is committed to reducing the risks from this activity (driving). They are making it sound like masturbation.
James: Stop driving or you'll go blind.
Jeremy: Exactly!
TV Show: Top Gear
[Reading some of the questions from the safe driving course]
Jeremy: "You have a blowout on the motorway..." - one for you here, Hammond! (referring to 9.1 where Hammond crashed)
Jeremy: "You have a blowout on the motorway..." - one for you here, Hammond! (referring to 9.1 where Hammond crashed)
TV Show: Top Gear
[Reading the third (or maybe last) question from the safe driving course]
Jeremy: What's the primary hazard facing drivers when driving at night? Anybody want to hazard a guess at that? No hang on, this is [straining to hear an answer from the audience] go on, what? Dark. Anything else?
Guy in the audience: Germans!
[Audience laughs]
Jeremy: Germans.
Richard: These are all valid, valid points.
Jeremy: None of these things are on my list, anybody else got any thoughts?
Another guy in the audience: Peasants!
Jeremy & Richard (laughing): Peasants.
Jeremy: No. It's, um, glare from other vehicles' headlamps. Cyclists in dark clothing; it's their own fault for not working hard enough, not having a car.
Jeremy: What's the primary hazard facing drivers when driving at night? Anybody want to hazard a guess at that? No hang on, this is [straining to hear an answer from the audience] go on, what? Dark. Anything else?
Guy in the audience: Germans!
[Audience laughs]
Jeremy: Germans.
Richard: These are all valid, valid points.
Jeremy: None of these things are on my list, anybody else got any thoughts?
Another guy in the audience: Peasants!
Jeremy & Richard (laughing): Peasants.
Jeremy: No. It's, um, glare from other vehicles' headlamps. Cyclists in dark clothing; it's their own fault for not working hard enough, not having a car.
TV Show: Top Gear