Top Gear Quotes
[To Simon Pegg in the Star in a Reasonably Priced Car interview]
Jeremy: Now, can I just move on, 'cause films, you're a bit of a buff I gather.
Simon: I am a bit.
Jeremy: Star Wars, in particular.
Simon: Yeah absolutely.
Jeremy: Did you not once write a three-and-a-half thousand word essay on why you thought C3PO was gay?
[Simon giving his explanations]
Simon: And you could argue that C3PO is a kind of emasculated homosexual. Because he's very camp, but he was safe because he didn't have a willy.
Jeremy: Homosexual men have willies.
Simon: He's sexually non-threatening.
Jeremy: Graham Norton's got a willy.
Simon: How do you know?
[Jeremy is now at a loss of words, at which point the audience laughs]
Jeremy: Now, can I just move on, 'cause films, you're a bit of a buff I gather.
Simon: I am a bit.
Jeremy: Star Wars, in particular.
Simon: Yeah absolutely.
Jeremy: Did you not once write a three-and-a-half thousand word essay on why you thought C3PO was gay?
[Simon giving his explanations]
Simon: And you could argue that C3PO is a kind of emasculated homosexual. Because he's very camp, but he was safe because he didn't have a willy.
Jeremy: Homosexual men have willies.
Simon: He's sexually non-threatening.
Jeremy: Graham Norton's got a willy.
Simon: How do you know?
[Jeremy is now at a loss of words, at which point the audience laughs]
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that if you lick his chest, it tastes exactly the same as piccalilli, and that at this week's Brit awards, he was arrested for goosing Russell Brand... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
Jeremy: Some say that if you lick his chest, it tastes exactly the same as piccalilli, and that at this week's Brit awards, he was arrested for goosing Russell Brand... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Brabus-tuned SL65]
Jeremy: Here we are, if you want it, with proof, that absolute power really does corrupt... absolutely.
Jeremy: Here we are, if you want it, with proof, that absolute power really does corrupt... absolutely.
TV Show: Top Gear
[after the Reliant shuttle crashed and exploded]
James: That's why...
Richard: How are we going to use it again?
James: That's why...
Richard: How are we going to use it again?
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: We try to grow our own petrol; I drive the new Lamborghini, quite badly; And cool-wall muse Kristin Scott Thomas is in our Reasonably-Priced Car!
Jeremy: Tonight: We try to grow our own petrol; I drive the new Lamborghini, quite badly; And cool-wall muse Kristin Scott Thomas is in our Reasonably-Priced Car!
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he sucks the moisture from ducks, and that his crash helmet is modelled on Britney Spears' head... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
Jeremy: Some say that he sucks the moisture from ducks, and that his crash helmet is modelled on Britney Spears' head... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
TV Show: Top Gear
[the trio debate Clarkson's haircut]
James: I had mine cut last week and you said having a hair cut on the studio day was "gay".
Jeremy: I said you should spend more than four pounds on a hair cut James, that's what I actually said.
James: So why didn't you?
James: I had mine cut last week and you said having a hair cut on the studio day was "gay".
Jeremy: I said you should spend more than four pounds on a hair cut James, that's what I actually said.
James: So why didn't you?
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: ...and it has air conditioning, unlike the ones in Lambos of old, isn't like being coughed on. By a mouse. [imitates mouse coughing]
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [chasing May with a pitchfork] May! You're gonna die! I'm gonna feed you into your own machine!
TV Show: Top Gear
[during the second tractor challenge]
Jeremy: Read it and weep! 2 minutes 57!
Richard: Jeremy... the slowest wins.
Jeremy: Rubbish!
Jeremy: Read it and weep! 2 minutes 57!
Richard: Jeremy... the slowest wins.
Jeremy: Rubbish!
TV Show: Top Gear
[on James' small Fiat Panda]
James: He exploited the diminutive size of my Panda to sit there going [motions leg fondling] "ooh I'm terribly sorry".
James: He exploited the diminutive size of my Panda to sit there going [motions leg fondling] "ooh I'm terribly sorry".
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [on Lamborghini Murciélago's options price list after mentioning the 'flappy paddle' gearbox was £6,000] You need a flappy paddle head to spend that
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: We cut some cars in half with saws; Richard smokes a horse; and who's in our Reasonably Priced Car? Oh, it's his assistant!
Jeremy: Tonight: We cut some cars in half with saws; Richard smokes a horse; and who's in our Reasonably Priced Car? Oh, it's his assistant!
TV Show: Top Gear
James: Now, you know that new law about kids under four foot five, they have to use booster seats in the car?
Jeremy: [pointing at Richard] He does.
Richard: Yes, all right. I just knew...
James: All right. People under four foot five have to use a booster seat in the car. Well, in North Yorkshire, the police say they cannot enforce that law, and d'you know why? They do not have the - [breaks up giggling] They do not have the legal - [breaks up giggling again]
Jeremy: I can't wait for this now. The legal... ?
James: Because they do not have - the legal right - to me-measure children!
Richard: Just measure them?
James: So if you see a policeman measuring your children, you think, "Quick, call the - oh."
Richard: So they'll have to do what they usually do, then, and just put up some new sort of camera by the road, to monitor children in cars and make sure they -
Jeremy: No, no, no, you can't video children. You ever been to a school sports day? You have to ask every parent there before you're allowed to take the camera out of the boot.
Richard: Well, go to your own kids' sports day, maybe they'll let you do it.
Jeremy: [pointing at Richard] He does.
Richard: Yes, all right. I just knew...
James: All right. People under four foot five have to use a booster seat in the car. Well, in North Yorkshire, the police say they cannot enforce that law, and d'you know why? They do not have the - [breaks up giggling] They do not have the legal - [breaks up giggling again]
Jeremy: I can't wait for this now. The legal... ?
James: Because they do not have - the legal right - to me-measure children!
Richard: Just measure them?
James: So if you see a policeman measuring your children, you think, "Quick, call the - oh."
Richard: So they'll have to do what they usually do, then, and just put up some new sort of camera by the road, to monitor children in cars and make sure they -
Jeremy: No, no, no, you can't video children. You ever been to a school sports day? You have to ask every parent there before you're allowed to take the camera out of the boot.
Richard: Well, go to your own kids' sports day, maybe they'll let you do it.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the impending sale of Aston Martin]
Jeremy: The leading bid at the moment is from an Egyptian consortium.
James: Carpets'll be nice.
Richard: Really, really elaborate. Really elaborate.
Jeremy: Yeah, and buying one is going to be interesting. You go down to "my brother's Abdel Martin shop".
James: [bad Egyptian accent] "For you, my friend... "
Jeremy: "... I make nice special price."
James: "Special price."
Jeremy: The leading bid at the moment is from an Egyptian consortium.
James: Carpets'll be nice.
Richard: Really, really elaborate. Really elaborate.
Jeremy: Yeah, and buying one is going to be interesting. You go down to "my brother's Abdel Martin shop".
James: [bad Egyptian accent] "For you, my friend... "
Jeremy: "... I make nice special price."
James: "Special price."
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Stig]
Richard: Some say he isn't machine washable, and all his potted plants are called Steve... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
Richard: Some say he isn't machine washable, and all his potted plants are called Steve... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: Oh... my God.
Jeremy: [proudly] It's a giant Panda! Never before bred in captivity.
Richard: [impressed] That is a big Panda.
Jeremy: [proudly] It's a giant Panda! Never before bred in captivity.
Richard: [impressed] That is a big Panda.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the stretched Panda's passenger entry system]
James: It's an ingenious solution to a problem that should never have existed in the first place.
James: It's an ingenious solution to a problem that should never have existed in the first place.
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: What does this do?
James: No, don't pull that - !
Jeremy: [losing control of the Alfaab] Oh my GOD WHAT'S HAPPENED?!
James: Hammond's unlocked the steering!
Richard: Sorry!
James: You're in the wrong end, you idiot!
[...]
James: You pair of utter pillocks. You've ruined my car.
James: No, don't pull that - !
Jeremy: [losing control of the Alfaab] Oh my GOD WHAT'S HAPPENED?!
James: Hammond's unlocked the steering!
Richard: Sorry!
James: You're in the wrong end, you idiot!
[...]
James: You pair of utter pillocks. You've ruined my car.
TV Show: Top Gear
[testing Hammond's stretched MG]
Jeremy: Where is the heater?
Richard: Well, that is a problem, because it - the engine, of course, is at the back, and the pipes, I - it hasn't got one!
Jeremy: You're the stupidest man I've ever met.
[on his stretched Fiat Panda]
Jeremy: I had to lop seven feet out of the middle (to make it road-legal) but it is now quite nippy, 'cause it's only eight feet longer than a bus!
Lemar: (to James May): Remember,earlier,when I was talking about circles? I mean,Harrods,I've seen it twice,I don't need to see it a third time.
Jeremy: Where is the heater?
Richard: Well, that is a problem, because it - the engine, of course, is at the back, and the pipes, I - it hasn't got one!
Jeremy: You're the stupidest man I've ever met.
[on his stretched Fiat Panda]
Jeremy: I had to lop seven feet out of the middle (to make it road-legal) but it is now quite nippy, 'cause it's only eight feet longer than a bus!
Lemar: (to James May): Remember,earlier,when I was talking about circles? I mean,Harrods,I've seen it twice,I don't need to see it a third time.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on getting shot in the genitals with a paintball gun]
James: The rules said hits on the car, not hits on the wedding vegetables.
James: The rules said hits on the car, not hits on the wedding vegetables.
TV Show: Top Gear
James: It's time for a question, Just where is the greatest driving road in the world? Something that has the challenging bends, the fast straights, no traffic, the spectacular views, the lot.
[Jeremy walks up to a world map]
Jeremy: [points to North America] Now it can't be there 'cause they're all doing five, [points to South America] can't be there 'cause they're all on drugs,[points to Africa] that's just full of ox, [points to Antarctica] Al Gore says that's gone so it's not likely to be down there, [points to Australia] that's full of spiders...
Richard: Jeremy!
Jeremy: [points to the Philippines] Signs here are full of gibberish, [points to mainland Asia] they're all communists, [points to the Middle East] can't go there 'cause the Americans will shoot you.
Richard: Nuh! Yes, thank you Jeremy! We obviously discussed this at length and we concluded that the best driving road in the world would probably be somewhere in continental Europe, or more precisely around here, [points to the Alps on a map of Europe] the Alps. Then we decided that the best thing to do would be to go there and see if we could find it.
[Jeremy walks up to a world map]
Jeremy: [points to North America] Now it can't be there 'cause they're all doing five, [points to South America] can't be there 'cause they're all on drugs,[points to Africa] that's just full of ox, [points to Antarctica] Al Gore says that's gone so it's not likely to be down there, [points to Australia] that's full of spiders...
Richard: Jeremy!
Jeremy: [points to the Philippines] Signs here are full of gibberish, [points to mainland Asia] they're all communists, [points to the Middle East] can't go there 'cause the Americans will shoot you.
Richard: Nuh! Yes, thank you Jeremy! We obviously discussed this at length and we concluded that the best driving road in the world would probably be somewhere in continental Europe, or more precisely around here, [points to the Alps on a map of Europe] the Alps. Then we decided that the best thing to do would be to go there and see if we could find it.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Jeremy on the VW Golf GTi W12]
Jeremy: My biggest problem with it is that I can't see the point of saying "I've got a supercar and the great thing is it looks like a Golf." That's like saying "I'm married to a supermodel and the great thing is she looks like a traffic warden."
Jeremy: My biggest problem with it is that I can't see the point of saying "I've got a supercar and the great thing is it looks like a Golf." That's like saying "I'm married to a supermodel and the great thing is she looks like a traffic warden."
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Stig.]
Jeremy: Some say that his scrotum has its own small gravity field, and that because our producer rigged a phone vote, he now has a new name. All we know is, he's called Cuddles.
Jeremy: Some say that his scrotum has its own small gravity field, and that because our producer rigged a phone vote, he now has a new name. All we know is, he's called Cuddles.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the concept Golf GTI W12, during the Stig's lap]
Jeremy: No CD today, because predictably, the CD player doesn't work.
Jeremy: No CD today, because predictably, the CD player doesn't work.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: So! Top Gear top tip: Ah, if you want a slow car that looks like a Golf... get a Golf.
TV Show: Top Gear