Top Gear Quotes
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Can an Austin Allegro fly? Can we solve the fuel crisis? And making a better police car: How hard can it be?
Jeremy: Tonight: Can an Austin Allegro fly? Can we solve the fuel crisis? And making a better police car: How hard can it be?
TV Show: Top Gear
James: You're not seriously suggesting that the British Coast Guard drove all the way up to Watford and set fire to our chairs, are you?
Jeremy: No I'm not. I know who did this.
Richard: Who?
Jeremy: Fifth Gear.
[...]
Richard: D'you think they're a bit jealous?
Jeremy: Yeah. So please, really. Tiff, Vicki? Stop burning our things.
Richard: Yes.
Jeremy: Can I just say, the seats we used to have were from a Vauxhall Senator. So if anyone out there is watching and they have a Vauxhall Senator -
Richard: Well, hang on, you're gonna say "if you've got a Vauxhall Senator and you don't need the seats."
Jeremy: That's right. Uh, write to us at "I've got a Vauxhall Senator and I drive everywhere standing up," BBC Television, uh, London, wherever we are.
Jeremy: No I'm not. I know who did this.
Richard: Who?
Jeremy: Fifth Gear.
[...]
Richard: D'you think they're a bit jealous?
Jeremy: Yeah. So please, really. Tiff, Vicki? Stop burning our things.
Richard: Yes.
Jeremy: Can I just say, the seats we used to have were from a Vauxhall Senator. So if anyone out there is watching and they have a Vauxhall Senator -
Richard: Well, hang on, you're gonna say "if you've got a Vauxhall Senator and you don't need the seats."
Jeremy: That's right. Uh, write to us at "I've got a Vauxhall Senator and I drive everywhere standing up," BBC Television, uh, London, wherever we are.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on Top Gear's new seating]
Jeremy: I love the way James has gone into that chair as though he belongs.
James: This is the Bentley Brooklands, It's a uh, it's a two-door um, um, what's the other one called that they make?
Jeremy: [laughing] Continental, Azure, Arnage...
Richard: My, we have been off for a while, haven't we...
Jeremy: I love the way James has gone into that chair as though he belongs.
James: This is the Bentley Brooklands, It's a uh, it's a two-door um, um, what's the other one called that they make?
Jeremy: [laughing] Continental, Azure, Arnage...
Richard: My, we have been off for a while, haven't we...
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the recall of several Bentley models for wheel nuts that could come loose while the car's being driven]
Richard: Bentley say it's not a big deal? [looks mystified, shrugs] It's only one batch of nuts affected; it only affected, I've got it written down here, it only concerns the Arnage R. And the Arnage T. And the Arnage RL. And the Azure. So basically, pretty much all of the cars they make. And it's only those built between February '05... and August last year. That's a year and a half!
Jeremy: No, my favorite is, the government, OK, who actually run this recall, they say here, "If the bolts do become loose, this would in all probability be noticeable to the driver."
Richard: Yes it would.
Jeremy': "... As there would be a considerable mechanical knocking noise."
Richard: What, when a wheel comes off?
Jeremy: And sparks. And [pantomimes being in a rolling car]sky road sky road ditch.
Richard: [pantomimes driving] "Dear, I think there might be something wrong with the car!"
Richard: Bentley say it's not a big deal? [looks mystified, shrugs] It's only one batch of nuts affected; it only affected, I've got it written down here, it only concerns the Arnage R. And the Arnage T. And the Arnage RL. And the Azure. So basically, pretty much all of the cars they make. And it's only those built between February '05... and August last year. That's a year and a half!
Jeremy: No, my favorite is, the government, OK, who actually run this recall, they say here, "If the bolts do become loose, this would in all probability be noticeable to the driver."
Richard: Yes it would.
Jeremy': "... As there would be a considerable mechanical knocking noise."
Richard: What, when a wheel comes off?
Jeremy: And sparks. And [pantomimes being in a rolling car]sky road sky road ditch.
Richard: [pantomimes driving] "Dear, I think there might be something wrong with the car!"
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: ...it is time to do, the Cool Wall!
[the camera reveals the fire-damaged Cool Wall]
Richard: Unfortunately, the Cool Wall was one of the major casualties in our fire, but we will persevere.
Jeremy: Yes we will, and we're going to kick off with this! [pulling a fire-damaged picture from a box]
Richard: Is it a Golf?
Jeremy: No, it looks more an Alfa...
[Jeremy approaches an audience member]
Jeremy: What do you think that is?
Man: It's an Audi.
[Jeremy closely examines the picture]
Jeremy: How empty is your life, that you are able to determine that this is an Audi from that photograph...
[the camera reveals the fire-damaged Cool Wall]
Richard: Unfortunately, the Cool Wall was one of the major casualties in our fire, but we will persevere.
Jeremy: Yes we will, and we're going to kick off with this! [pulling a fire-damaged picture from a box]
Richard: Is it a Golf?
Jeremy: No, it looks more an Alfa...
[Jeremy approaches an audience member]
Jeremy: What do you think that is?
Man: It's an Audi.
[Jeremy closely examines the picture]
Jeremy: How empty is your life, that you are able to determine that this is an Audi from that photograph...
TV Show: Top Gear
[From the unedited news]
James: I've seen you (Jeremy) multi-task whilst driving.
Richard: No, you can't talk about that on telly, mate.
Jeremy: That isn't in the highway code: Wank!
Richard: [Laughs] Does it say anything about wanking in your Lambo?
Jeremy: Sometimes, on long journeys, there's nothing else to do!
James: I've seen you (Jeremy) multi-task whilst driving.
Richard: No, you can't talk about that on telly, mate.
Jeremy: That isn't in the highway code: Wank!
Richard: [Laughs] Does it say anything about wanking in your Lambo?
Jeremy: Sometimes, on long journeys, there's nothing else to do!
TV Show: Top Gear
[From the unedited news]
Richard: Although it gives me an idea, 'cause we've got our track here; why don't we have track days, but instead of getting caught up on how fast you go round and all that, we just let people smoke while they're driving.
Jeremy: Or put their make-up on.
Richard: Or use their mobile phone. All the stuff you want to do.
Jeremy: Or eat a pie.
Richard: Yeah! Round our track.
James: Yeah! Yeah! And speed!
Jeremy: And have a wank. [Whilst making masturbation gestures] I'm going round the Hammerhead now!
Richard: Ahh, none of that's going on the telly!
Richard: Although it gives me an idea, 'cause we've got our track here; why don't we have track days, but instead of getting caught up on how fast you go round and all that, we just let people smoke while they're driving.
Jeremy: Or put their make-up on.
Richard: Or use their mobile phone. All the stuff you want to do.
Jeremy: Or eat a pie.
Richard: Yeah! Round our track.
James: Yeah! Yeah! And speed!
Jeremy: And have a wank. [Whilst making masturbation gestures] I'm going round the Hammerhead now!
Richard: Ahh, none of that's going on the telly!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [haltingly consulting the instruction manual of his Lamborghini Gallardo Superleggera, which is in Italian] Consola centrale con... interatore aperture sportello... rifornimento. [translating] "We are useless Italians and we haven't built this properly."
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: So, the cars. James?
James: NO.
Richard: I love the Porsche. But, the thing is, I still don't understand why it's 15,000 more for the RS Model.
Jeremy: I've got to say the same thing for my Lambo. I don't believe that I wouldn't have as much fun driving in a normal Gallardo.
James: Hang on. So we went on a driving holiday and all the cars were wrong?
Richard: Yes! We're back in business!
Jeremy: Top Gear: Ambitious, but rubbish! (Audience laughing) And more of that next week, see you then. Good night!
James: NO.
Richard: I love the Porsche. But, the thing is, I still don't understand why it's 15,000 more for the RS Model.
Jeremy: I've got to say the same thing for my Lambo. I don't believe that I wouldn't have as much fun driving in a normal Gallardo.
James: Hang on. So we went on a driving holiday and all the cars were wrong?
Richard: Yes! We're back in business!
Jeremy: Top Gear: Ambitious, but rubbish! (Audience laughing) And more of that next week, see you then. Good night!
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: James May faces trial by water. Richard Hammond faces trial by fire. And I drive a Ferrari on the moon!
Jeremy: Tonight: James May faces trial by water. Richard Hammond faces trial by fire. And I drive a Ferrari on the moon!
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Audi R8's handling]
Jeremy: Driving most supercars is like trying to man-handle a cow up a back staircase. But this is like smearing honey into Keira Knightley.
Jeremy: Driving most supercars is like trying to man-handle a cow up a back staircase. But this is like smearing honey into Keira Knightley.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he's banned from the town of Chichester, and that in a recent late-night deal, he bought a slightly dented white Fiat Uno from the Duke of Edinburgh. All we know is, he's called the Stig.
Jeremy: Some say that he's banned from the town of Chichester, and that in a recent late-night deal, he bought a slightly dented white Fiat Uno from the Duke of Edinburgh. All we know is, he's called the Stig.
TV Show: Top Gear
[After James tries to compare an F430 with cheese]
Jeremy: Why are you on this programme!?
Jeremy: Why are you on this programme!?
TV Show: Top Gear
[While trying to take down his mast]
James: What is it actually caught on?
Jeremy and Richard: The security camera.
James: What is it actually caught on?
Jeremy and Richard: The security camera.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Showing the oil drums on the back of his "Nissank"]
Jeremy: These should give me more...ummm.....ummmm.
Crew Member: Stability.
Jeremy: Yes, that.
Jeremy: These should give me more...ummm.....ummmm.
Crew Member: Stability.
Jeremy: Yes, that.
TV Show: Top Gear
[reacting to the English Channel challenge]
Jeremy: I'm 47 years old. I'm gonna be run down by a Korean grain carrier and minced.
Richard: Yeah. But what a day!
Jeremy: I'm 47 years old. I'm gonna be run down by a Korean grain carrier and minced.
Richard: Yeah. But what a day!
TV Show: Top Gear
[Richard drops his Porsche pipe]
Richard: I've spun off in me Porsche, look at that!
Jeremy: Mine won't start properly.
Richard: No, of course it won't. It's a Porsche, persevere.
[Jeremy puts the wrong end of his pipe in his mouth]
Richard: No, what are you doing, man! No! Other way round, you - ah!
Jeremy: It's a 911 Porsche, hot bit goes at the back.
Richard: [To Jeremy] You don't look right with that, but have you noticed [clears throat] over my shoulder? [Indicates May, who looks like he's enjoying a quiet day in the smoking room of a Victorian gentlemen's club.]
[...]
James: [Using his pipe to point at Hammond] I'll tell you something...
Richard: You see? He's pointing!
James: I haven't actually got anything to tell you, but I just wanted to point at you with my pipe, like pipe smokers. [Points with his pipe at Clarkson] And I'll tell you something else.
[Clarkson burns his tongue with his pipe]
Jeremy: Oh God!
[Richard, James and audience laugh]
Jeremy: That's not gone well!
[Due to the lit tobacco on his tongue, it rather sounded like 'Dat's not gonn woll!', causing even more laughter.]
Richard: Jeremy... hold on! Jeremy...
Jeremy: 'Cube we a winit. ["'Scuse me a minute" with burning tobacco in his mouth.]
[Clarkson gets up and goes off-camera to spit out the tobacco, amid audience hilarity, then returns to his seat giggling helplessly.]
Richard: Can I - can I just get quite clear, what you just did as a grown man was light a pipe and put the wrong end of it in your mouth.
[Clarkson is still cracking up and can't answer him.]
Richard: What're you like on Bonfire Night? You bloody idiot.<
Richard: I've spun off in me Porsche, look at that!
Jeremy: Mine won't start properly.
Richard: No, of course it won't. It's a Porsche, persevere.
[Jeremy puts the wrong end of his pipe in his mouth]
Richard: No, what are you doing, man! No! Other way round, you - ah!
Jeremy: It's a 911 Porsche, hot bit goes at the back.
Richard: [To Jeremy] You don't look right with that, but have you noticed [clears throat] over my shoulder? [Indicates May, who looks like he's enjoying a quiet day in the smoking room of a Victorian gentlemen's club.]
[...]
James: [Using his pipe to point at Hammond] I'll tell you something...
Richard: You see? He's pointing!
James: I haven't actually got anything to tell you, but I just wanted to point at you with my pipe, like pipe smokers. [Points with his pipe at Clarkson] And I'll tell you something else.
[Clarkson burns his tongue with his pipe]
Jeremy: Oh God!
[Richard, James and audience laugh]
Jeremy: That's not gone well!
[Due to the lit tobacco on his tongue, it rather sounded like 'Dat's not gonn woll!', causing even more laughter.]
Richard: Jeremy... hold on! Jeremy...
Jeremy: 'Cube we a winit. ["'Scuse me a minute" with burning tobacco in his mouth.]
[Clarkson gets up and goes off-camera to spit out the tobacco, amid audience hilarity, then returns to his seat giggling helplessly.]
Richard: Can I - can I just get quite clear, what you just did as a grown man was light a pipe and put the wrong end of it in your mouth.
[Clarkson is still cracking up and can't answer him.]
Richard: What're you like on Bonfire Night? You bloody idiot.<
TV Show: Top Gear
[After James' Triumph Herald sank for the final time]
Richard: James' Herald was now beyond repair, fortunately, Jeremy was on hand to comfort him.
Jeremy: YOU'VE FAILED!!
[Revs engine and splashes James with water]
James: Thank you.
Richard: James' Herald was now beyond repair, fortunately, Jeremy was on hand to comfort him.
Jeremy: YOU'VE FAILED!!
[Revs engine and splashes James with water]
James: Thank you.
TV Show: Top Gear
[After James had gone into Hammond's cabin to make tea]
Jeremy: [To James] Oi! Prescott! I'll have a bacon sandwich!
Jeremy: [To James] Oi! Prescott! I'll have a bacon sandwich!
TV Show: Top Gear
[After sinking in Hammond's campervan]
James: This is the third time I've been in this bloody sea!
Richard: Technically, it wasn't my fault.
James: This is the third time I've been in this bloody sea!
Richard: Technically, it wasn't my fault.
TV Show: Top Gear
[On their attempt to break Richard Branson's record for crossing the channel in an amphibious car]
Jeremy: Beardy, you're going down!
Jeremy: Beardy, you're going down!
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: [voiceover] Meanwhile, back with Captain Pugwash...
James: Sod it. Right sail. [James' sail swings round and the boom hits him in the head] Oww. Bloody thing.
James: Sod it. Right sail. [James' sail swings round and the boom hits him in the head] Oww. Bloody thing.
TV Show: Top Gear
Coast Guard pilot over radio: Please state your intentions.
Jeremy: Our intentions are to cross the Channel faster than Beardy Branson.
Coast Guard pilot over radio: In that case, I wish you the best of luck.
Jeremy: Our intentions are to cross the Channel faster than Beardy Branson.
Coast Guard pilot over radio: In that case, I wish you the best of luck.
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: James drives a Rolls-Royce. Richard drives a Bugatti Veyron. And I drive something that isn't either of those things.[Shows video of Jeremy driving a Peel P50 round the BBC Office]
Jeremy: Tonight: James drives a Rolls-Royce. Richard drives a Bugatti Veyron. And I drive something that isn't either of those things.[Shows video of Jeremy driving a Peel P50 round the BBC Office]
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: Imagine if you will that you've bought a Bugatti Veyron. It's a big investment! You'd be very excited about the day it was to be arriving. So you'd imagine such a thing would be delivered, you know, on like a golden carriage on a bed of swan's feathers. It's a special moment in your life.
Jeremy: I'd want mine borne aloft by sixteen greased, naked eunuchs. That's what I'd want.
Richard: Whatever, the point is, that's the sort of thing you'd expect. It's a big moment. In Russia they do things a little bit differently. Here is one, being transported... [photo of a Veyron on the back of a grubby, industrial Russian truck] There's your Bugatti. [bad Russian accent] "I've brought your Bugatti, sir, it is here!" What, it's on a flatbed pickup! That's a disappointment in your life.
Jeremy: I'd want mine borne aloft by sixteen greased, naked eunuchs. That's what I'd want.
Richard: Whatever, the point is, that's the sort of thing you'd expect. It's a big moment. In Russia they do things a little bit differently. Here is one, being transported... [photo of a Veyron on the back of a grubby, industrial Russian truck] There's your Bugatti. [bad Russian accent] "I've brought your Bugatti, sir, it is here!" What, it's on a flatbed pickup! That's a disappointment in your life.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he gets terrible eczema on his helmet, and that if he'd been the video ref in the World Cup rugby final, he would've seen that of course it was a try, you blind Australian half-wit! All we know is, he's called the Stig.
Jeremy: Some say that he gets terrible eczema on his helmet, and that if he'd been the video ref in the World Cup rugby final, he would've seen that of course it was a try, you blind Australian half-wit! All we know is, he's called the Stig.
TV Show: Top Gear
[On the Peel P50]
Jeremy: Built on the Isle of Man in the early 60's, the P50 was said to be almost cheaper than walking. It cost 150 pounds and did 100 miles to the gallon. It sounds perfect, then, for the roads of today.
Jeremy: Built on the Isle of Man in the early 60's, the P50 was said to be almost cheaper than walking. It cost 150 pounds and did 100 miles to the gallon. It sounds perfect, then, for the roads of today.
TV Show: Top Gear
[On the Peel P50]
Jeremy[shouting]: What I've got down here by my right leg making noise and generating quite a bit of heat is the 49cc engine from a moped! Top speed rather depends on how big you are, and actually how much you had for breakfast. But realistically, even the skinniest, shortest chap with the whitest of teeth would struggle to get past... 35?
Jeremy[shouting]: What I've got down here by my right leg making noise and generating quite a bit of heat is the 49cc engine from a moped! Top speed rather depends on how big you are, and actually how much you had for breakfast. But realistically, even the skinniest, shortest chap with the whitest of teeth would struggle to get past... 35?
TV Show: Top Gear
[Whilst driving through London in the Peel P50]
Jeremy: There's something I just realised. I have to pay congestion charge in this part of London. But the camera crew in the Lexus 4x4 don't because it's a hybrid. How fair is that?! I mean, it's not like I'm creating any pollution at all! [accelerates, leaving a trail of smoke behind him]
Jeremy: There's something I just realised. I have to pay congestion charge in this part of London. But the camera crew in the Lexus 4x4 don't because it's a hybrid. How fair is that?! I mean, it's not like I'm creating any pollution at all! [accelerates, leaving a trail of smoke behind him]
TV Show: Top Gear