Top Gear Quotes
James: I have to say I'm very disappointed in it, because when I joined Top Gear I thought, "Here we go. French film festival, Kristin... " No. I've been invited to the opening of a car park. And it says, "Yes please, I would like to come to the opening of the car park. I will be arriving, A, by car; B, on foot."
TV Show: Top Gear
[demonstrating the sense of equanimity to be found in the Jaguar XJR]
Jeremy: This is Radio 1. Now normally that's like having a rusty screwdriver shoved into the side of your head. But I dunno, today I think it's fine. I mean, listen to this chap, he wants to bitch-slap his ho. And why not? Good luck to you, fella.
Jeremy: This is Radio 1. Now normally that's like having a rusty screwdriver shoved into the side of your head. But I dunno, today I think it's fine. I mean, listen to this chap, he wants to bitch-slap his ho. And why not? Good luck to you, fella.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Let's try Radio 4.
Melvyn Bragg: [on the radio] Society has not always valued originality.
Jeremy: Ooh, it's Melvyn Bragg's philosophy show.
Melvyn: To what extent is originality about perception, rather than conception? And is originality a concept without meaning today?
Jeremy: I'm not quite with you there, Melvyn. I... I don't really understand the question.
Melvyn Bragg: [on the radio] Society has not always valued originality.
Jeremy: Ooh, it's Melvyn Bragg's philosophy show.
Melvyn: To what extent is originality about perception, rather than conception? And is originality a concept without meaning today?
Jeremy: I'm not quite with you there, Melvyn. I... I don't really understand the question.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: I'm now playing what I like to call Fuel Light Bingo. The rules are very simple. You let the fuel light come on; then you let the needle go all the way through the red until it's bent like that [holds up crooked finger] round the bottom of the gauge. Then, when you see a sign saying "services 1 mile and 27 miles", go for the furthest one away, and when you get there, go past that one too. If you win, you make it home, the next day your wife drives the car, and she fills it up for you. I think it's a great game! My wife doesn't like it very much, but I think it's brilliant. If you lose, you run out of petrol.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [After stopping at John o'Groats at the end of the XJR test] Oh dear, I seem to have run out of country.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: For the last few years, the DB7's been an aging rocker, still trying to cut it in a Coldplay MP3 world of Porsche 911s and foo-fighter Ferraris. But now, thanks to a cocktail of Botox and Viagra, it's up there with the best of them.
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: A man sized blast from the past; Renault puts a V6 rocket in your pocket; And which takes longer to change: a gearbox, or a woman's outfit?
Jeremy: Tonight: A man sized blast from the past; Renault puts a V6 rocket in your pocket; And which takes longer to change: a gearbox, or a woman's outfit?
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: Now, this is really quite simple, OK? Understeer works like this: [moving a model of a Ford Focus in a straight line] you drive down the road, turn the [steering] wheel, but the car goes straight on, crashes into a tree and you die. OVERsteer works like this: [moving a model of a BMW 3-series] you drive down the same bit of road, turn the wheel, but the back of the car comes round like this [showing how the car fishtails 180 degrees], and you go off the road, crash into a tree and you die. Now, oversteer is best, because you don't see the tree that kills you.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Porsche 911 Turbo]
James: So you spun it, then.
Jeremy: I spun it slightly.
James: What do you mean "slightly"? How can you slightly spin? That's like saying "I slightly fell off a ladder this morning."
James: So you spun it, then.
Jeremy: I spun it slightly.
James: What do you mean "slightly"? How can you slightly spin? That's like saying "I slightly fell off a ladder this morning."
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: This is Sharon, okay? She's all woman, she is the 911 Turbo. Now, standing next to her is Vicky. Now Vicky, on the surface, appears to be exactly the same, but this is a body kit. Vicky's been enhanced, and so, consequently, is the C4S. And, moving along, we find Amanda. Amanda is the Carrera 4. Enough of a handful for most people. Your choice.
Richard: You know what, I've always been a bit of a turbo man myself...
Richard: You know what, I've always been a bit of a turbo man myself...
TV Show: Top Gear
[discussing a man who built a race car in his kitchen, eventually having to tear down an exterior wall to get it out of the house]
Jeremy: I presume there's no wife involved in this.
Richard: No. Well... there was, but unlike the car, the wife did fit through the door quite nicely. Fairly early on.
Jeremy: I presume there's no wife involved in this.
Richard: No. Well... there was, but unlike the car, the wife did fit through the door quite nicely. Fairly early on.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Right, the news! And, um, we're feeling a bit remiss this week, because we like to think on Top Gear we're across what's happening in the world of cars, and then out of the blue, Ford wrote to us and said, "We're introducing a new Mondeo." We didn't know it was coming! Who'd like to see it?
Richard: Yeah!
Jeremy: OK. Here it is.
Richard: ... That's the old Mondeo.
Jeremy: No, that's the new Mondeo. They say it's got 1500 new parts!
Richard: Yes, presumably they're all exactly the same shape as the old parts, so it looks exactly the same.
James: It's got a new radio, hasn't it.
Jeremy: It has got a new radio.
James: Well, there's hundreds of bits in that.
Richard: Yeah!
Jeremy: OK. Here it is.
Richard: ... That's the old Mondeo.
Jeremy: No, that's the new Mondeo. They say it's got 1500 new parts!
Richard: Yes, presumably they're all exactly the same shape as the old parts, so it looks exactly the same.
James: It's got a new radio, hasn't it.
Jeremy: It has got a new radio.
James: Well, there's hundreds of bits in that.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Vauxhall Vectra 48-hour test drive program]
Jeremy: So if you just want to go and see Granny, or a girlfriend in Manchester, and it's a 60-quid rail fare, you can just ring them up, drop a car at your house, drive it up there and back -
James: Yeah, well, what if you want to do a bank job?
[...]
Jeremy: I wonder how many they've got?
Richard: Well, I don't know, because presumably this is the launch of their campaign, it's quite an important moment, somebody spent an awful lot of time planning this and working on it, and the worst thing we could do is give out the number. Which is 08456 775 775.
Jeremy: So if you just want to go and see Granny, or a girlfriend in Manchester, and it's a 60-quid rail fare, you can just ring them up, drop a car at your house, drive it up there and back -
James: Yeah, well, what if you want to do a bank job?
[...]
Jeremy: I wonder how many they've got?
Richard: Well, I don't know, because presumably this is the launch of their campaign, it's quite an important moment, somebody spent an awful lot of time planning this and working on it, and the worst thing we could do is give out the number. Which is 08456 775 775.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on Honda's tips for avoiding road rage]
Richard: It says here as well, "Do not rise to any challenges while you are driving." What, like a duel? "Sir, your driving has angered me! I demand satisfaction!" I can't see that happening.
Richard: It says here as well, "Do not rise to any challenges while you are driving." What, like a duel? "Sir, your driving has angered me! I demand satisfaction!" I can't see that happening.
TV Show: Top Gear
[testing the Daihatsu Copen's man-compatibility with a member of the audience]
Richard: Oh my Lord.
James: What do you reckon?
Jeremy: He was fine... until the door slammed, and now he looks like a berk.
Richard: Oh my Lord.
James: What do you reckon?
Jeremy: He was fine... until the door slammed, and now he looks like a berk.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Jeremy and Richard are agreeing that middle-aged men can't drive convertibles]
James: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm going to have to stop you there. I hate to interrupt, but this is quite honestly the biggest load of limp-wristed twaddle I've ever heard in all my five weeks in television. These two - these two are not men, OK? This one, Richard Hammond, every morning sticks his head in a bucket of hair product, right? He's got a dog, but it's a poodle! And I don't know what you're laughing about, Clarkson, because you won't drink brown beer and this is the man who says, 'flatulence? Oh, it's not funny!' when clearly it is! Right. I am actually the only proper bloke on this programme, OK? I live in a tumbledown house full of old motorbikes. And I think a bloke can drive a convertible, but... it has to be the right one.
James: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm going to have to stop you there. I hate to interrupt, but this is quite honestly the biggest load of limp-wristed twaddle I've ever heard in all my five weeks in television. These two - these two are not men, OK? This one, Richard Hammond, every morning sticks his head in a bucket of hair product, right? He's got a dog, but it's a poodle! And I don't know what you're laughing about, Clarkson, because you won't drink brown beer and this is the man who says, 'flatulence? Oh, it's not funny!' when clearly it is! Right. I am actually the only proper bloke on this programme, OK? I live in a tumbledown house full of old motorbikes. And I think a bloke can drive a convertible, but... it has to be the right one.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Triumph TR6]
James: What a squarehead! Look at it! Blunt at both ends, thickset - I reckon if this car went to the lavatory, it'd leave the seat up.
[...]
James: Good job they didn't give it to a Frenchman, eh? We'd all have handbags by now.
James: What a squarehead! Look at it! Blunt at both ends, thickset - I reckon if this car went to the lavatory, it'd leave the seat up.
[...]
James: Good job they didn't give it to a Frenchman, eh? We'd all have handbags by now.
TV Show: Top Gear
[On a comparison between a rally team changing most of the underbody of a rally car vs. girls getting ready for a big night out]
Jeremy: So the rally team got the car changed in...
Richard: Twenty-seven minutes.
Jeremy: Twenty-seven minutes - and the women took...
Richard: Don't know, got bored, we left. To be honest, we packed up everything, stuff in the van, off, still going, talking, things like that.
Jeremy: I don't think men and women should be allowed to go out with one another.
Richard: I don't think it works!
Jeremy: Men should go out with men.
Richard: You're making me nervous. Stop it!
Jeremy: So the rally team got the car changed in...
Richard: Twenty-seven minutes.
Jeremy: Twenty-seven minutes - and the women took...
Richard: Don't know, got bored, we left. To be honest, we packed up everything, stuff in the van, off, still going, talking, things like that.
Jeremy: I don't think men and women should be allowed to go out with one another.
Richard: I don't think it works!
Jeremy: Men should go out with men.
Richard: You're making me nervous. Stop it!
TV Show: Top Gear
[On the Renault Clio V6]
Jeremy: Imagine watching the entire French air force crash into a fireworks factory. That's how much of a laugh this car is.
[...]
Jeremy: Oh, and it's the least maneuverable car on the road. Oil tanker captains have been heard to say that their ships have the turning circles of Clio V6s.
[...]
Jeremy: I think the problem is that it's... French.
[later, with overdone French accent.]
Jeremy: I don't want to go around this corner fast. I want to go home and make love and make cheese. That's what I like doing most of all 'cause I'm French!
Jeremy: Imagine watching the entire French air force crash into a fireworks factory. That's how much of a laugh this car is.
[...]
Jeremy: Oh, and it's the least maneuverable car on the road. Oil tanker captains have been heard to say that their ships have the turning circles of Clio V6s.
[...]
Jeremy: I think the problem is that it's... French.
[later, with overdone French accent.]
Jeremy: I don't want to go around this corner fast. I want to go home and make love and make cheese. That's what I like doing most of all 'cause I'm French!
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: On this week's Top Gear: The Driving God does a track day; a foie gras car with a luncheon meat badge; and we try to set a new land speed record.
Jeremy: On this week's Top Gear: The Driving God does a track day; a foie gras car with a luncheon meat badge; and we try to set a new land speed record.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Mitsubishi Evo VIII and second-generation w: Subaru Impreza WRX STI]
Jeremy: And yet, they're both relatively inexpensive Japanese saloon cars. So they've both got four doors, they've both got big boots, and they're both as reliable as... [hesitates] a Swiss... bus driver's Austrian pacemaker! What more could you possibly want?
[...]
Jeremy: Look at the scoop on this bonnet. And they seem to have given the Evo so many steroids it's started to grow out of its own body. You know what these cars should be called, don't you? The Mitsubishi "Did you spill my pint?", and the Subaru "You. Outside. NOW."
[...]
Jeremy: Trying to decide which is best is hard. They're both spoonbendingly, hallucinogenically, lawbreakingly mad and absurd.
Jeremy: And yet, they're both relatively inexpensive Japanese saloon cars. So they've both got four doors, they've both got big boots, and they're both as reliable as... [hesitates] a Swiss... bus driver's Austrian pacemaker! What more could you possibly want?
[...]
Jeremy: Look at the scoop on this bonnet. And they seem to have given the Evo so many steroids it's started to grow out of its own body. You know what these cars should be called, don't you? The Mitsubishi "Did you spill my pint?", and the Subaru "You. Outside. NOW."
[...]
Jeremy: Trying to decide which is best is hard. They're both spoonbendingly, hallucinogenically, lawbreakingly mad and absurd.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Lexus RX300 ad slogan "It Changes Everything"]
Jeremy: I don't want to go home tonight and find my front door's moved, and that all my children are badgers and that I'm married to Frank Bruno! I don't want it to change everything.
Richard: And this'd be a gardening program and we shouldn't be talking about that anyway.
Jeremy: Well, exactly! And do you know, the thing is, that - you know those advertising standard authorities? They always say you've got to be, what are they, truthful... ?
James: Hang on, it's: [ticking them off on his fingers] Decent, honest, legal, truthful.
Jeremy: So that advert must be true.
James: That would be great! You could buy the Lexus, and then you'd wake up the next day and it would've changed into a Jaguar! With a bit of luck.
Jeremy: I don't want to go home tonight and find my front door's moved, and that all my children are badgers and that I'm married to Frank Bruno! I don't want it to change everything.
Richard: And this'd be a gardening program and we shouldn't be talking about that anyway.
Jeremy: Well, exactly! And do you know, the thing is, that - you know those advertising standard authorities? They always say you've got to be, what are they, truthful... ?
James: Hang on, it's: [ticking them off on his fingers] Decent, honest, legal, truthful.
Jeremy: So that advert must be true.
James: That would be great! You could buy the Lexus, and then you'd wake up the next day and it would've changed into a Jaguar! With a bit of luck.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: I've got a report here from the Observer. "Drivers are facing the biggest revolution in the history of British motoring." ... It's the Lexus again, it's changed everything.
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard Whiteley: They echo, these prisons - have you been in one?
Jeremy: Yeah, a French one. Well, we won't go there...
Whiteley: So we were looking around, the great and the good of Leeds, and from the galleries high up, someone yelled down - can I do this? Can I yell down?
Jeremy: Yeah! Yell!
Whiteley: They said, "NOW THEN WHITELEY, YA FAT ----! WHERE'S CAROL?" And one of prisoners who was accompanying us, he said, "Oh," he says, he says, "That's Jed. That's Jed up there what cried down at you, that's Jed. 'E's a real 'ero in this prison." I said, "Why, what's he done?" How many people has he killed, raped, murdered, drugs has he laundered, money, all that kind of stuff. I said, "What'd he do?" He said, "'E were the lad what nicked your car two years ago!"
Jeremy: Yeah, a French one. Well, we won't go there...
Whiteley: So we were looking around, the great and the good of Leeds, and from the galleries high up, someone yelled down - can I do this? Can I yell down?
Jeremy: Yeah! Yell!
Whiteley: They said, "NOW THEN WHITELEY, YA FAT ----! WHERE'S CAROL?" And one of prisoners who was accompanying us, he said, "Oh," he says, he says, "That's Jed. That's Jed up there what cried down at you, that's Jed. 'E's a real 'ero in this prison." I said, "Why, what's he done?" How many people has he killed, raped, murdered, drugs has he laundered, money, all that kind of stuff. I said, "What'd he do?" He said, "'E were the lad what nicked your car two years ago!"
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Listen, I want to play a game with you, okay? This Countdown thing, okay? This rearranging letters, yes? [Points to a bloke in an FCUK shirt] What do you reckon? Got any ideas on that one?
Whiteley: I'm short-sighted. I can't see that, thank goodness!
Whiteley: I'm short-sighted. I can't see that, thank goodness!
TV Show: Top Gear
[consigning a photo of Hammond's actual Porsche 911 to the Uncool section of the Cool Wall]
Jeremy: And it's left-hand drive, which means you're a cheapskate. The thing is -
Richard: [laughing] That is so true.
Jeremy: He's never overtaken anyone. "Is it safe? Is it safe?"
Richard: That's what passengers are for.
Jeremy: And it's left-hand drive, which means you're a cheapskate. The thing is -
Richard: [laughing] That is so true.
Jeremy: He's never overtaken anyone. "Is it safe? Is it safe?"
Richard: That's what passengers are for.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Vauxhall VX220]
Jeremy: You'll notice all these things and you'll think, "That is a really pretty, pretty car. Well done, Vauxhall. I'll have the Lotus."
[trying to break the land speed record for towing a caravan]
James: Right. I've been looking in the Guinness Book of Records. It doesn't actually say that I have to use a car to tow the caravan. So instead I've decided to rely on the most powerful engine in the universe. Gravity.
Jeremy: You'll notice all these things and you'll think, "That is a really pretty, pretty car. Well done, Vauxhall. I'll have the Lotus."
[trying to break the land speed record for towing a caravan]
James: Right. I've been looking in the Guinness Book of Records. It doesn't actually say that I have to use a car to tow the caravan. So instead I've decided to rely on the most powerful engine in the universe. Gravity.
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: A man behaving quickly in our reasonably priced car; A piece of monument valley with wheels; And the world's best looking car, in our hangar.
Jeremy: Tonight: A man behaving quickly in our reasonably priced car; A piece of monument valley with wheels; And the world's best looking car, in our hangar.
TV Show: Top Gear
[On the Koenigsegg]
Jeremy: For instance, it's made from autoclaved epoxy pre-impregnated carbon fibre, it's a true semi-monocoque: the front end is mounted on a chrome molybdenum subframe, and the engine sits on top of a machined aluminium dry sump that's also a supporting beam for the rear subframe. That's interesting. And there's more, too, because none of this behind-the-scenes technology has interfered in any way with what Koenigsegg call the general ichthyomorphic design principle, these are the... the aesthetics. And the best bit of those aesthetics are the dihedral synchro-helix actuation doors.
Jeremy: For instance, it's made from autoclaved epoxy pre-impregnated carbon fibre, it's a true semi-monocoque: the front end is mounted on a chrome molybdenum subframe, and the engine sits on top of a machined aluminium dry sump that's also a supporting beam for the rear subframe. That's interesting. And there's more, too, because none of this behind-the-scenes technology has interfered in any way with what Koenigsegg call the general ichthyomorphic design principle, these are the... the aesthetics. And the best bit of those aesthetics are the dihedral synchro-helix actuation doors.
TV Show: Top Gear