Top Gear Quotes
[Talk about Lamborghini Reventón.]
Richard: Anyway, it has a 6.5L V12.
Jeremy: B12.
Richard: Yep, whatever. It can do two hun...
Jeremy: whateber.
Richard: Please stop that, it's very annoying. It can do 220 miles per..
Jeremy: bery annoying.
Richard: Leave it!!
Richard: Anyway, it has a 6.5L V12.
Jeremy: B12.
Richard: Yep, whatever. It can do two hun...
Jeremy: whateber.
Richard: Please stop that, it's very annoying. It can do 220 miles per..
Jeremy: bery annoying.
Richard: Leave it!!
TV Show: Top Gear
[Ending their feature of the Reventón]
Jeremy: Couple of problems: One, they're only making twenty and only one's coming to Britain; the other thing is, eight hundred thousand pounds!
Richard: Yep, that is quite a lot...
Jeremy: Hmmn... But with this, you would get a lot of badge.
Richard: Badge? (ponders, then realizes...)... Oh! NO! No no no.
Jeremy: Think I got away with that. So!
Jeremy: Couple of problems: One, they're only making twenty and only one's coming to Britain; the other thing is, eight hundred thousand pounds!
Richard: Yep, that is quite a lot...
Jeremy: Hmmn... But with this, you would get a lot of badge.
Richard: Badge? (ponders, then realizes...)... Oh! NO! No no no.
Jeremy: Think I got away with that. So!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [watching Fiona Bruce walk away from the P50] She has got quite a nice bottom. ... I said that out loud, didn't I.
TV Show: Top Gear
James: [James comments on Jeremy's and Richard's car choice] You've both been idiots.
Jeremy: No!
James: Brilliantly interesting (points to the Opel) brilliantly stylish (points to the Lancia Beta) but stupid.
Richard: But...
Jeremy: Why's mine stupid?
Richard: Wha...where is yours? (James points to behind him) Whoa! Haha, a Lancia? You have been a bit thick.
Jeremy: No!
James: Brilliantly interesting (points to the Opel) brilliantly stylish (points to the Lancia Beta) but stupid.
Richard: But...
Jeremy: Why's mine stupid?
Richard: Wha...where is yours? (James points to behind him) Whoa! Haha, a Lancia? You have been a bit thick.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Driving his Opel Kadett down the road in Africa]
Richard: This is just the happiest car in the world! I shall call it Oliver! Not that we'd ever name a car on Top Gear. I wish I hadn't said that.
Richard: This is just the happiest car in the world! I shall call it Oliver! Not that we'd ever name a car on Top Gear. I wish I hadn't said that.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Shedding weight from the cars]
James: [Pointing at his door mirror] That doesn't work.
[Jeremy smashes the mirror off with his hammer]
James: Thanks, awfully.
James: [Pointing at his door mirror] That doesn't work.
[Jeremy smashes the mirror off with his hammer]
James: Thanks, awfully.
TV Show: Top Gear
(voiceover) Jeremy: The next morning, we were told our problem would not be gunk, but dust, so James and I had to rethink our wardrobe solutions.
[Camera switches to show Jeremy heavily-clad in clothing]
Jeremy: I've teamed my kikoi with a bin liner, v-necked, last time I wore one of these, ah, I went to see The Clash.
(voiceover) Jeremy: Frankly, I all thought it was a bit much. I mean, How bad could this dust be?
[Camera switches to all Jeremy, Richard and James driving through a massive dust storm]
Jeremy: AHHHHHHH! MY EYES!
James: Oh god, this is awful, I can't even see Jezza already [coughs heavily]
(voiceover) Richard: Meanwhile in my unmodified Kadett...
[Camera switches to Richard in Oliver the Opel, who is unbothered by the dust due to refusing to strip his car out]
Richard: I'll adjust this quarterlight a bit, ah that's better.
Jeremy: Oh no, no, NO! Look at this bit now.
James: [his kikoy falls off] The kikoy's come off. [coughs heavily] Hello?
(voiceover) Jeremy: James and I made it through the dust with our lives considerably shortened.
Jeremy: [to James] I've got consumption and TB.
James: [coughs heavily]
Jeremy: I've got every single 1920's disease.
[Camera switches to show Jeremy heavily-clad in clothing]
Jeremy: I've teamed my kikoi with a bin liner, v-necked, last time I wore one of these, ah, I went to see The Clash.
(voiceover) Jeremy: Frankly, I all thought it was a bit much. I mean, How bad could this dust be?
[Camera switches to all Jeremy, Richard and James driving through a massive dust storm]
Jeremy: AHHHHHHH! MY EYES!
James: Oh god, this is awful, I can't even see Jezza already [coughs heavily]
(voiceover) Richard: Meanwhile in my unmodified Kadett...
[Camera switches to Richard in Oliver the Opel, who is unbothered by the dust due to refusing to strip his car out]
Richard: I'll adjust this quarterlight a bit, ah that's better.
Jeremy: Oh no, no, NO! Look at this bit now.
James: [his kikoy falls off] The kikoy's come off. [coughs heavily] Hello?
(voiceover) Jeremy: James and I made it through the dust with our lives considerably shortened.
Jeremy: [to James] I've got consumption and TB.
James: [coughs heavily]
Jeremy: I've got every single 1920's disease.
TV Show: Top Gear
James: [to Jeremy] Can I point something out?
Jeremy: What?
James: Hammond's walking around his car muttering about how he needs all of it.
Jeremy: I know exactly what he's doing.
James: He's formed an emotional attachment to his car.
Jeremy: It'll be like saying to him, "Could you cut bits off your wife?"
[Jeremy and James laugh]
Jeremy: What?
James: Hammond's walking around his car muttering about how he needs all of it.
Jeremy: I know exactly what he's doing.
James: He's formed an emotional attachment to his car.
Jeremy: It'll be like saying to him, "Could you cut bits off your wife?"
[Jeremy and James laugh]
TV Show: Top Gear
James: Can I just say...
Jeremy: What?
James: You [indicating Richard] look like a gay cowboy, and you [indicating Jeremy] look like a gay terrorist.
Jeremy: No you look like a terrorist with a broken windscreen wiper and your face looks ridiculous.
Jeremy: What?
James: You [indicating Richard] look like a gay cowboy, and you [indicating Jeremy] look like a gay terrorist.
Jeremy: No you look like a terrorist with a broken windscreen wiper and your face looks ridiculous.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [to Richard] Do you know how it feels to have someone punch you really hard in the middle of the face?
Richard: I do, actually.
Richard: I do, actually.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: (on African Stig) Some say he's seen The Lion King 1780 times, and that his second best friend is a cape buffalo... all we know is, he's not the Stig, but he is the Stig's African cousin.
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: The Stig tests a tube train; Richard tests a pair of shorts; and I try my hand at running!
Jeremy: Tonight: The Stig tests a tube train; Richard tests a pair of shorts; and I try my hand at running!
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Aston Martin V8 Vantage]
Jeremy: I would rather be in this, than in Keira Knightley.
Richard: I wouldn't. (Shaking his head while the crowd laughs). I wouldn't.
[...]
James: And now the news: and this just in from Keira Knightley: She says she's disappointed but she understands.
Jeremy: I would rather be in this, than in Keira Knightley.
Richard: I wouldn't. (Shaking his head while the crowd laughs). I wouldn't.
[...]
James: And now the news: and this just in from Keira Knightley: She says she's disappointed but she understands.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on The Mitsubishi i]
Richard: Now, Mitsubishi, you know Mitsubishi, makers of the Evo and all that, they've now introduced a new turbocharged, mid-engine car. Yeah, you want to see it?
Jeremy: Yeah.
Richard: Here it is... (Shows the picture of an i car). It's called the i car. No, no, hang on, because it.. it might be ugly, but at least it's.. slow.
[...]
Richard: It's also got hypo-allergenic seats...
Jeremy: What that give you eczema?
Richard: No...
Jeremy: ... Chlamydia?
Richard: Now, Mitsubishi, you know Mitsubishi, makers of the Evo and all that, they've now introduced a new turbocharged, mid-engine car. Yeah, you want to see it?
Jeremy: Yeah.
Richard: Here it is... (Shows the picture of an i car). It's called the i car. No, no, hang on, because it.. it might be ugly, but at least it's.. slow.
[...]
Richard: It's also got hypo-allergenic seats...
Jeremy: What that give you eczema?
Richard: No...
Jeremy: ... Chlamydia?
TV Show: Top Gear
[on The Mitsubishi i's deodorizing roof lining]
Jeremy: If you, um, break wind, in the car. The smells are absorbed into the roof lining.
Richard: It's deodorizing, that's what it does. So, basically, the seats absorb your eczema, and the roof lining absorbs your fart. Which is very clever, but you wouldn't want to buy one second hand now would you?
Jeremy: If you, um, break wind, in the car. The smells are absorbed into the roof lining.
Richard: It's deodorizing, that's what it does. So, basically, the seats absorb your eczema, and the roof lining absorbs your fart. Which is very clever, but you wouldn't want to buy one second hand now would you?
TV Show: Top Gear
[on The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that to unlock him, you have to run your finger down his face, like this (runs his finger down the face of an audience member standing nearby), and that if he was getting divorced from Paul McCartney, he'd keep his stupid whining mouth shut! All we know is, he's called The Stig.
Jeremy: Some say that to unlock him, you have to run your finger down his face, like this (runs his finger down the face of an audience member standing nearby), and that if he was getting divorced from Paul McCartney, he'd keep his stupid whining mouth shut! All we know is, he's called The Stig.
TV Show: Top Gear
[after revealing Simon Cowell has beaten Gordon Ramsay for first place on the Celebrity Lap Time Board.]
Jeremy: And Gordon Ramsay has just committed suicide.
Simon: Well, to be fair to Gordon Ramsay, he's fat.
Jeremy: And Gordon Ramsay has just committed suicide.
Simon: Well, to be fair to Gordon Ramsay, he's fat.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: This has to be the most stress-free and relaxing Monday-morning rush-hour commute since the dawn of civilisation.
[cut to Richard]
Richard: OH NOT ANOTHER SET OF SODDING LIGHTS! OH BLOODY HELL! (To pedestrians) Have a nice walk! Enjoy yourself!
[cut to Richard]
Richard: OH NOT ANOTHER SET OF SODDING LIGHTS! OH BLOODY HELL! (To pedestrians) Have a nice walk! Enjoy yourself!
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the car's loss in the race]
Richard: Can I clear something up? I don't get this. Watching the film, you get the impression that the car arrive fifteen minutes after everybody else. Now if I remember correctly when I got there, James, you were already there and had been for ages.
Jeremy: He was, and you know something else? I distinctly remember my boat blew up and I was killed!
James: Yes, and I'm pretty sure I remember going straight past Hammond with his head stuck in some railings.
Richard: That happened!
Jeremy: And you know what? London doesn't have a river, so I couldn't have done it by boat! And there you go, what Top Gear - which is a trusted, factual, award winning show - has proved is, despite what you saw in that stupid and misleading film the car was the fastest!
Richard: Can I clear something up? I don't get this. Watching the film, you get the impression that the car arrive fifteen minutes after everybody else. Now if I remember correctly when I got there, James, you were already there and had been for ages.
Jeremy: He was, and you know something else? I distinctly remember my boat blew up and I was killed!
James: Yes, and I'm pretty sure I remember going straight past Hammond with his head stuck in some railings.
Richard: That happened!
Jeremy: And you know what? London doesn't have a river, so I couldn't have done it by boat! And there you go, what Top Gear - which is a trusted, factual, award winning show - has proved is, despite what you saw in that stupid and misleading film the car was the fastest!
TV Show: Top Gear
[during the opening credits.]
Jeremy: Tonight, James races a man in wellies, Richard crashes some motorhomes, and I close down Manchester Airport.
Jeremy: Tonight, James races a man in wellies, Richard crashes some motorhomes, and I close down Manchester Airport.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on petrol going up to a pound a litre.]
Jeremy: And it's a good job your car doesn't run on bull semen.
Richard: Well it is, yes. But why?
Jeremy: Because you know how much bull semen is?
James: Do you know? I can't remember off the top of my head.
Jeremy: 24,000 pounds a litre.
Richard: No way!
Jeremy: And it's a good job your car doesn't run on bull semen.
Richard: Well it is, yes. But why?
Jeremy: Because you know how much bull semen is?
James: Do you know? I can't remember off the top of my head.
Jeremy: 24,000 pounds a litre.
Richard: No way!
TV Show: Top Gear
[still on petrol going up to a pound a litre...]
Jeremy: I filled my car up with petrol a couple of months ago, do you know how much that cost?
Richard: Well no...
James: 90 pounds.
Richard: ... big car, 85 pounds.
Jeremy: No! 35,000 pounds.
James: You filled it up with bull sperm you idiot!
Jeremy: I filled my car up with petrol a couple of months ago, do you know how much that cost?
Richard: Well no...
James: 90 pounds.
Richard: ... big car, 85 pounds.
Jeremy: No! 35,000 pounds.
James: You filled it up with bull sperm you idiot!
TV Show: Top Gear
[after explaining why he (Jeremy) paid 35,000 pounds on petrol.]
James: I reckoned you spent it on bull sperm.
Richard: Did you not notice the pump was different?
Jeremy: [laughing, with the audience laughing as well]
Richard: [imitates a bull noise]. It keeps moving! Now it's chasing me! I don't want it any more.
[audience laughs]
Jeremy: I've got bird flu. Be nice.
James: I reckoned you spent it on bull sperm.
Richard: Did you not notice the pump was different?
Jeremy: [laughing, with the audience laughing as well]
Richard: [imitates a bull noise]. It keeps moving! Now it's chasing me! I don't want it any more.
[audience laughs]
Jeremy: I've got bird flu. Be nice.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Alfa-Romeo 159.]
James: Now, Alfa-Romeo has launched a replacement for its 156, which is called the 159.
Richard: Oh actually James, that was launched two years ago.
James: Yes it was, but we weren't paying attention.
James: Now, Alfa-Romeo has launched a replacement for its 156, which is called the 159.
Richard: Oh actually James, that was launched two years ago.
James: Yes it was, but we weren't paying attention.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Stig.]
Jeremy: Some say that he thought Star Wars was a documentary, and that he recently pulled out of I'm A Celebrity because he is scared of trees... and Australia... and Koo Stark... and Ant... and Dec. All we know is, he's called the Stig.
Jeremy: Some say that he thought Star Wars was a documentary, and that he recently pulled out of I'm A Celebrity because he is scared of trees... and Australia... and Koo Stark... and Ant... and Dec. All we know is, he's called the Stig.
TV Show: Top Gear
Lawrence: [on the Premier League in football] We call it the Andrex Premiership because it's soft and unnecessarily expensive.
Richard: ....and in the Transit, we've got Desperate! (i.e. James May)
Richard: [on the motorhome race]: The rules were simple. 15 laps and no body contact. [cut to scene of motorhomes crashing into each other] Mind you, we had invited touring car drivers!
James: I've just seen the door of a kitchen unit on the track,and that doesn't happen at Silverstone.
Richard: ....and in the Transit, we've got Desperate! (i.e. James May)
Richard: [on the motorhome race]: The rules were simple. 15 laps and no body contact. [cut to scene of motorhomes crashing into each other] Mind you, we had invited touring car drivers!
James: I've just seen the door of a kitchen unit on the track,and that doesn't happen at Silverstone.
TV Show: Top Gear
[during the opening credits.]
Jeremy: Tonight, in a well-balanced show, James gets egg on his face, Richard runs himself over, and I powerslide the new Aston Martin DBS.
Jeremy: Tonight, in a well-balanced show, James gets egg on his face, Richard runs himself over, and I powerslide the new Aston Martin DBS.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Have you ever wanted to buy, OK, a sports car that's got a diesel engine, top speed of 150 miles an hour, that's a high-riding 4x4 off-road car and is also a four-seater convertible?
James and Richard, in unison: No.
Jeremy: Neither have I. But Audi's made one anyway. Here it is.
Richard: What! What do you do with it?
Jeremy: I've no idea. It's called the Cross Cabriolet. Not as cross as the owner's going to be when he buys it and realized he looks like Graham Norton's plumber.
James and Richard, in unison: No.
Jeremy: Neither have I. But Audi's made one anyway. Here it is.
Richard: What! What do you do with it?
Jeremy: I've no idea. It's called the Cross Cabriolet. Not as cross as the owner's going to be when he buys it and realized he looks like Graham Norton's plumber.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Stig.]
Jeremy: Some say that he knows two facts about ducks, and both of them are wrong. And that 61 years ago he accidentally introduced Her Majesty The Queen to a Greek racialist. All we know is, I'm going to the tower now to have my head cut off, and he is called The Stig.
Jeremy: Some say that he knows two facts about ducks, and both of them are wrong. And that 61 years ago he accidentally introduced Her Majesty The Queen to a Greek racialist. All we know is, I'm going to the tower now to have my head cut off, and he is called The Stig.
TV Show: Top Gear