Top Gear Quotes
James: [before the Fiat 500 vs. BMX race in Budapest, James talks about his competition, a pair of BMX cyclists] These wasters just ride around all day like those kids in the ET film. So to borrow the phrase from the ancient philosopher Clarksonius, 4th Century BC: "How hard can it be?"
TV Show: Top Gear
[at the end of the race, back in the hangar]
Richard: Can I just say, that was the hardest thing we've ever done - being nice to each other for 24 hours.
Jeremy: Well, you know when you pulled up in the pits and you said "Good luck, mate", I nearly crashed!
Richard: Ooh, I felt dirty saying it, mate; it was wrong.
Jeremy: Still, we ended up coming third in our class...
James: ...out of five...
Jeremy: ...out of five, yes, and we finished 39th out of 46, [turning to James] partly actually because you drove so slowly!
James: Ooh, now, come on a minute...
Richard: Actually, hang on, you risked us not finishing at all by driving like an idiot in that last stint...
Jeremy: No, but wait, we would have finished 10th, mathematical certainty, if you hadn't hit that Mosler! We would have been 10th!
Richard: You said it wasn't my fault...
Jeremy: I was being nice, I didn't mean it...
James: Hey, this is more like it, isn't it? Normal service is being resumed!
Richard: Can I just say, that was the hardest thing we've ever done - being nice to each other for 24 hours.
Jeremy: Well, you know when you pulled up in the pits and you said "Good luck, mate", I nearly crashed!
Richard: Ooh, I felt dirty saying it, mate; it was wrong.
Jeremy: Still, we ended up coming third in our class...
James: ...out of five...
Jeremy: ...out of five, yes, and we finished 39th out of 46, [turning to James] partly actually because you drove so slowly!
James: Ooh, now, come on a minute...
Richard: Actually, hang on, you risked us not finishing at all by driving like an idiot in that last stint...
Jeremy: No, but wait, we would have finished 10th, mathematical certainty, if you hadn't hit that Mosler! We would have been 10th!
Richard: You said it wasn't my fault...
Jeremy: I was being nice, I didn't mean it...
James: Hey, this is more like it, isn't it? Normal service is being resumed!
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: The great, the good and the rubbish on the Top Gear Awards. We go on a motoring holiday with The Stig. And Doctor Who travels through space and time a bit more slowly than usual.
David: [shouting during his speed lap] Speed up!
Jeremy: Tonight: The great, the good and the rubbish on the Top Gear Awards. We go on a motoring holiday with The Stig. And Doctor Who travels through space and time a bit more slowly than usual.
David: [shouting during his speed lap] Speed up!
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that as we speak he is actually relaxing in the resort pool, and he is, he is actually.
Jeremy: Some say that as we speak he is actually relaxing in the resort pool, and he is, he is actually.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Stig]
Richard: Now for this race, I shall pilot the little remote control car, because to get the best out of the G-Wiz for this test, it needs to be controlled by our finest driver: someone who has never sat on Santa's knee; someone who's never watched Moonraker on Boxing Day. [Which was indeed shown three days later on Boxing day by the BBC's main rivals ITV]
Richard: Now for this race, I shall pilot the little remote control car, because to get the best out of the G-Wiz for this test, it needs to be controlled by our finest driver: someone who has never sat on Santa's knee; someone who's never watched Moonraker on Boxing Day. [Which was indeed shown three days later on Boxing day by the BBC's main rivals ITV]
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the old Jaguar S-Type]
James: You see, Mr. Jonathan Foreigner has this ridiculously outdated view of what Britain is. He thinks we all live in Anne Hathaway's cottage and then go out to Ye Olde Tea Rooms where we eat some Kendal mint cake. And then maybe we'll go out and find a red phone box and ring up some Beefeaters at the Tower of London to see if we can have our bowler hats back. It's rubbish!
James: You see, Mr. Jonathan Foreigner has this ridiculously outdated view of what Britain is. He thinks we all live in Anne Hathaway's cottage and then go out to Ye Olde Tea Rooms where we eat some Kendal mint cake. And then maybe we'll go out and find a red phone box and ring up some Beefeaters at the Tower of London to see if we can have our bowler hats back. It's rubbish!
TV Show: Top Gear
[Nominees for the 'Lifetime Achievement Award']
James: Ken Livingstone for deciding that if you earn a living and pay tax and spend some of what's left on a car; and then pay Value Added Tax on that, and then buy some Road Fund Licence Tax to put the car on the road, and then pay Fuel Duty Tax on the fuel and Value added tax on that Fuel Duty tax, You should then pay 25 pounds - TAX! - to drive into the centre of the capital.
James: Ken Livingstone for deciding that if you earn a living and pay tax and spend some of what's left on a car; and then pay Value Added Tax on that, and then buy some Road Fund Licence Tax to put the car on the road, and then pay Fuel Duty Tax on the fuel and Value added tax on that Fuel Duty tax, You should then pay 25 pounds - TAX! - to drive into the centre of the capital.
TV Show: Top Gear
[David Tennant looking in the wing mirror on his power lap]
Tennant: Why am I looking in the wing mirror? There's no one behind me!
Tennant: Why am I looking in the wing mirror? There's no one behind me!
TV Show: Top Gear
[On David Tennant's inability to find third gear on his lap]
Jeremy: Do you know where third gear was after that? It was all over the track.
Jeremy: Do you know where third gear was after that? It was all over the track.
TV Show: Top Gear
[David Tennant has challenged Billie Piper's time on the leaderboard, which was allowed to stand despite her cutting a corner]]
Jeremy: [to Tennant] If you'd worn a see through top you'd have been faster than Simon Cowell.
Jeremy: [to Tennant] If you'd worn a see through top you'd have been faster than Simon Cowell.
TV Show: Top Gear
[At the end of the episode]
Jeremy: That's it for this programme and indeed this series. We're off now to get very drunk. Goodnight!
Jeremy: That's it for this programme and indeed this series. We're off now to get very drunk. Goodnight!
TV Show: Top Gear
James: We had a letter from the BBC, and they said what with petrol being £5.50 and all the rest of it, what we should actually be doing is giving some advice on... fuel economy and... saving money!
Richard: Yeah. Unfortunately, that letter was opened, by him. [points at Clarkson]
Jeremy: Yes. And I decided the best thing we could do was gather five supercars together and have a race!
Richard: Yeah. Unfortunately, that letter was opened, by him. [points at Clarkson]
Jeremy: Yes. And I decided the best thing we could do was gather five supercars together and have a race!
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the sound of the McLaren's engine]
Jeremy: That is the sound of money exploding!
Jeremy: That is the sound of money exploding!
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Audi R8]
Jeremy: So, a Top Gear Top Tip: if you've been affected by the fuel crisis, this is the supercar to buy!
Jeremy: So, a Top Gear Top Tip: if you've been affected by the fuel crisis, this is the supercar to buy!
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: Yes, but the thing is the BBC saw that film and they said we'd been stupid. And they said we had to do something for...the normal person. And, well, [points at Clarkson] it was 'im again...
TV Show: Top Gear
[Jeremy has suggested that they steal a fuel tanker]
Jeremy: Put it in here, Google Earth'll never spot it. Honestly, 'cause if you think about it, 50,000 litres... [gets out a calculator and starts figuring]
Richard: That's a lot.
Jeremy: ... of fuel, OK... That would be enough to get your Mustang... [continues calculating] ... home!
Richard: Brilliant! Well, to Guildford.
Jeremy: Put it in here, Google Earth'll never spot it. Honestly, 'cause if you think about it, 50,000 litres... [gets out a calculator and starts figuring]
Richard: That's a lot.
Jeremy: ... of fuel, OK... That would be enough to get your Mustang... [continues calculating] ... home!
Richard: Brilliant! Well, to Guildford.
TV Show: Top Gear
James: There's a very good sign near where I live, actually, that says "Changed Priorities Ahead". And it's absolutely right, 'cause I was driving down there the other day and I thought to myself, "I'll work harder and pay my mortgage off and be secure in my old age," and then I went past the sign and after another 10 or 20 yards I thought, "No, I'm gonna go to the pub."
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: No, seriously, if you go to Korea, don't order a cauliflower cheese, because it won't be what you think.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Hyundai Genesis]
Jeremy: Anyway, this is called the Genesis, all right? Which probably means that in a couple of years the front'll leave and Phil Collins'll move in there instead.
James: No, actually, strictly speaking, Phil Collins will come round from the back to take place at the front.
Jeremy: Oh, leaving Chester Thompson at the back.
James: Yeah, exactly, and then occasionally Phil Collins will have to go back to the back with Chester Thompson...
Jeremy: Yes.
Richard: I don't know what you two are saying now.
Jeremy: No, it's got a V6 engine, 3.8 litres, and in between the bank you've got a 25-minute keyboard solo.
Richard: [looking baffled] You're using words but it means nothing.
Jeremy: Would you rather it were called the Hyundai Westlife?
Richard: Yeah, all right. Thank you.
Jeremy: The Hyundai Girls Aloud, Hammond Edition.
Jeremy: Anyway, this is called the Genesis, all right? Which probably means that in a couple of years the front'll leave and Phil Collins'll move in there instead.
James: No, actually, strictly speaking, Phil Collins will come round from the back to take place at the front.
Jeremy: Oh, leaving Chester Thompson at the back.
James: Yeah, exactly, and then occasionally Phil Collins will have to go back to the back with Chester Thompson...
Jeremy: Yes.
Richard: I don't know what you two are saying now.
Jeremy: No, it's got a V6 engine, 3.8 litres, and in between the bank you've got a 25-minute keyboard solo.
Richard: [looking baffled] You're using words but it means nothing.
Jeremy: Would you rather it were called the Hyundai Westlife?
Richard: Yeah, all right. Thank you.
Jeremy: The Hyundai Girls Aloud, Hammond Edition.
TV Show: Top Gear
[after Richard has compared the Tata Nano to Pikachu]
Jeremy: Is that a punkawallah?
Richard: Pokémon.
Jeremy: I meant that.
Jeremy: Is that a punkawallah?
Richard: Pokémon.
Jeremy: I meant that.
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the news]
Jeremy: Listen, while we were off the air, okay, I had a look on the Internet and this was on it.
Richard: Whoa! (inarticulate noise)
[crowd laughs]
Jeremy: Listen, while we were off the air, okay, I had a look on the Internet and this was on it.
Richard: Whoa! (inarticulate noise)
[crowd laughs]
TV Show: Top Gear
James: Hey, great news!
Jeremy: What?
James: The Dacia Sandero is almost here.
Jeremy: When?
James: Next year!
Jeremy: Great! [quickly] Now, the Toyota Urban Cruiser.
Jeremy: What?
James: The Dacia Sandero is almost here.
Jeremy: When?
James: Next year!
Jeremy: Great! [quickly] Now, the Toyota Urban Cruiser.
TV Show: Top Gear
[On the Toyota Urban Cruiser]
Jeremy: That is the stupidest name I've ever heard of. 'Cause forgive me if I'm wrong, but isn't an urban cruiser someone who wears a mac and isn't allowed within 200 yards of a primary school?
Richard: They may not have thought that through.
Jeremy: They haven't. I mean, that's not going to work as a school run car if the police arrest it every time it goes near the gate.
Jeremy: That is the stupidest name I've ever heard of. 'Cause forgive me if I'm wrong, but isn't an urban cruiser someone who wears a mac and isn't allowed within 200 yards of a primary school?
Richard: They may not have thought that through.
Jeremy: They haven't. I mean, that's not going to work as a school run car if the police arrest it every time it goes near the gate.
TV Show: Top Gear
[On the Ferrari F430 Scuderia]
Jeremy: I'm doing this road test all wrong, cause I'm mocking all this technology. And that's not really fair. It's not like Ferrari aftershave...this is what a Ferrari should be like. [Thick Italian accent] "You make mistake, I kill."
Jeremy: I'm doing this road test all wrong, cause I'm mocking all this technology. And that's not really fair. It's not like Ferrari aftershave...this is what a Ferrari should be like. [Thick Italian accent] "You make mistake, I kill."
TV Show: Top Gear
[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that after making love, he bites the head off his partner. And that he's had to give up binge drinking now that it's gone to one pound eighteen to a litre. All we know is, he's called The Stig.
Jeremy: Some say that after making love, he bites the head off his partner. And that he's had to give up binge drinking now that it's gone to one pound eighteen to a litre. All we know is, he's called The Stig.
TV Show: Top Gear
[During Top Gear Stuntman's first record attempt to jump cars in reverse]
James: If you've just tuned in, you may be thinking, 'Oh no, he's facing the wrong way!'. But no, he is about to enter the history books...in reverse.
James: If you've just tuned in, you may be thinking, 'Oh no, he's facing the wrong way!'. But no, he is about to enter the history books...in reverse.
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: [voiceover] It really was time for a challenge.
Richard: We don't yet know what we've gotta do.
Jeremy: Well if it's go to Brighton and pose undercover in gay clubs you're right there already.
[James and Jeremy laugh]
Richard: ...yeah.
Jeremy: We've got a challenge here, boys.
Richard: Please don't let it have the word "Brighton" in it...
Richard: We don't yet know what we've gotta do.
Jeremy: Well if it's go to Brighton and pose undercover in gay clubs you're right there already.
[James and Jeremy laugh]
Richard: ...yeah.
Jeremy: We've got a challenge here, boys.
Richard: Please don't let it have the word "Brighton" in it...
TV Show: Top Gear