Top Gear Quotes
[upon Jeremy's arrival with his car's Italian-inspired police livery]
James: Oh, good God. The Carabinieri have arrived.
(N.B. Jeremy's car's paint scheme was actually based on that of the Italian State Police, not the Carabinieri - although real Polizia di Stato cars presumably don't say "IT'S THE FILTH" in reversed letters, "ECNALUBMA"-style, on the bonnets.)
James: Oh, good God. The Carabinieri have arrived.
(N.B. Jeremy's car's paint scheme was actually based on that of the Italian State Police, not the Carabinieri - although real Polizia di Stato cars presumably don't say "IT'S THE FILTH" in reversed letters, "ECNALUBMA"-style, on the bonnets.)
TV Show: Top Gear
James: All you're going to do with this [indicates Jeremy's rear-wheel spike attachments] is generate headlines: "POLICE CHOP MORE PEOPLE'S FEET OFF".
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the Police Car challenge, on sirens]
Jeremy: [voiceover] James then demonstrated his siren... [James' Lexus plays "Camptown Races" in a cheesy electronic voice]...which he'd got from an ice-cream van.
Jeremy: They're gonna be really impressed with that on an American police video.
James: No, they stop for an ice-cream. And then they're nicked.
Jeremy: May I? [voiceover] Mine was much more high-tech. [Shows Clarkson pressing button on child's sound toy, the car moos] Oh, wait, no, that's the cow.
Jeremy: [voiceover] James then demonstrated his siren... [James' Lexus plays "Camptown Races" in a cheesy electronic voice]...which he'd got from an ice-cream van.
Jeremy: They're gonna be really impressed with that on an American police video.
James: No, they stop for an ice-cream. And then they're nicked.
Jeremy: May I? [voiceover] Mine was much more high-tech. [Shows Clarkson pressing button on child's sound toy, the car moos] Oh, wait, no, that's the cow.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: The Pet Cop Boys are here. No, wait. [reads Richard's car-door graphic]The Police.
Richard: Yeah, well, the police are coming... [indicates door] "The Police".
Jeremy: De do do do, de da da da.
Richard: Yeah, well, the police are coming... [indicates door] "The Police".
Jeremy: De do do do, de da da da.
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the Police Car challenge, about Hammond's 'stinger']
Jeremy: [voiceover] It was unmistakably a doormat with some nails in it.
Jeremy: [voiceover] It was unmistakably a doormat with some nails in it.
TV Show: Top Gear
[[as the Stig begins a lap in a standard-issue police Astra]
James: He's proceeding! In a westerly direction.
James: He's proceeding! In a westerly direction.
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: So we're now watching James, in a hot pursuit situation?
Jeremy: Yeah. How long have you got before you have to go home tonight?
Jeremy: Yeah. How long have you got before you have to go home tonight?
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the 'Arrest the Stig' part of the Police Car challenge, after May's paint attempt]
Jeremy: [voiceover] Sadly there was one invention James hadn't considered.
[shows the Stig using his windscreen wipers to clear the paint off]
Jeremy: [voiceover] Sadly there was one invention James hadn't considered.
[shows the Stig using his windscreen wipers to clear the paint off]
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: I'm gonna try something the Americans call pitting. If I put my car along his rear wheel and push his back end out, he counter-steers, I then brake... and of course, it shoots the other way.
[The Stig pulls smoothly away from Jeremy]
Jeremy: [voiceover] Unfortunately, none of what I just said happened.
[The Stig pulls smoothly away from Jeremy]
Jeremy: [voiceover] Unfortunately, none of what I just said happened.
TV Show: Top Gear
[On Jeremy's attempt to disable Stig's car]
Richard: I presume at some point there's gonna be a simply hideous accident.
James: Yep.
Richard: I presume at some point there's gonna be a simply hideous accident.
James: Yep.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Upon Jeremy's car losing a wheel in said attempt]
Richard: I think it could be time to admit failure.
James: [To Jeremy] You failed to apprehend the miscreant.
Jeremy: We are rubbish at this, aren't we?
Richard: I think it could be time to admit failure.
James: [To Jeremy] You failed to apprehend the miscreant.
Jeremy: We are rubbish at this, aren't we?
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight, Audi's Dynamic Ride Control tested to the limits in the Alps; variable torque-slip transmissions given a workout on our track; and Merc's hundred and ninety mile an hour Black on the edge in Wales.
Jeremy: Tonight, Audi's Dynamic Ride Control tested to the limits in the Alps; variable torque-slip transmissions given a workout on our track; and Merc's hundred and ninety mile an hour Black on the edge in Wales.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Tonight, and for one night only, we've accidentally made a show all about cars.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Subaru Impreza WRX STi]
Jeremy: This car isn't an anorak. It's where people who make anoraks go to buy their anoraks.
Jeremy: This car isn't an anorak. It's where people who make anoraks go to buy their anoraks.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Mitsubishi Evo X]
Jeremy: I've had a 14-year-old set up all the computers for me, so let's see what's what.
Jeremy: I've had a 14-year-old set up all the computers for me, so let's see what's what.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: In the olden days, it was very close between the Evo and the Impreza, it was like Chelsea and Manchester United, but uh... but now, with these new models, it's like Chelsea and... [laughs]] I don't know enough about football. Um... what team plays in red? That isn't as good as Chelsea?
Cameraman: [offscreen] Nottingham Forest.
Jeremy: Nottingham... Nottingham Forest. [attempts to strike knowing pose]
Cameraman: [offscreen] Nottingham Forest.
Jeremy: Nottingham... Nottingham Forest. [attempts to strike knowing pose]
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Subaru again]
Jeremy: Let's be honest, it is uglier than a war wound; it's far too soft and wallowy; it sounds like it's running on Mogadon; and the only reason they can sell it for twenty-five thousand pounds is because it has fewer luxuries than, I don't know, an Egyptian's lavatory.
Jeremy: Let's be honest, it is uglier than a war wound; it's far too soft and wallowy; it sounds like it's running on Mogadon; and the only reason they can sell it for twenty-five thousand pounds is because it has fewer luxuries than, I don't know, an Egyptian's lavatory.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that each of his toenails are exactly the same as a woman's nipples, and that he thinks that "credit-crunch" is some kind of a breakfast cereal. All we know is, he's called The Stig.
Jeremy: Some say that each of his toenails are exactly the same as a woman's nipples, and that he thinks that "credit-crunch" is some kind of a breakfast cereal. All we know is, he's called The Stig.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Ooh, Stig seems to have got into Elton John - [realizing what he said] - not literally of course!
TV Show: Top Gear
[in a discussion of Bluetooth "mating" that's gone horribly wrong]
James: How can you possibly know when your dashboard is having its "period"?
Jeremy: Because the satnav would lose its temper for no reason. "I SAID LEFT, YOU - "
[applause]
Richard: I think you'd find after a few years, your dashboard had been faking all its connections. "I was puttin' it on."
James: With your best mate's mobile phone.
James: How can you possibly know when your dashboard is having its "period"?
Jeremy: Because the satnav would lose its temper for no reason. "I SAID LEFT, YOU - "
[applause]
Richard: I think you'd find after a few years, your dashboard had been faking all its connections. "I was puttin' it on."
James: With your best mate's mobile phone.
TV Show: Top Gear
James: Aw, bad news!
Jeremy: What?
James: The Dacia Sandero, it's delayed.
Jeremy: Oh no! [quickly] Anyway, last week...
Jeremy: What?
James: The Dacia Sandero, it's delayed.
Jeremy: Oh no! [quickly] Anyway, last week...
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the news]
Jeremy: Look, [pauses] I went on the Internet this week and I found this.
[Crowd laughs]
Jeremy: Look, [pauses] I went on the Internet this week and I found this.
[Crowd laughs]
TV Show: Top Gear
James: Now, have you ever wondered what all that writing on the side of your tires actually means?
Richard: No.
Jeremy: Honestly couldn't care less.
James: Well, don't wonder no longer!
Richard: No.
Jeremy: Honestly couldn't care less.
James: Well, don't wonder no longer!
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Audi RS6]
Richard: I've got three options for the ride settings: sport, dynamic, or [comfort is shown on-screen] ... "James May".
Richard: I've got three options for the ride settings: sport, dynamic, or [comfort is shown on-screen] ... "James May".
TV Show: Top Gear