Top Gear Quotes
[reading a letter of warning on the Mercedes-Benz CLK63 AMG Black]
Jeremy: "The traction control must stay on." Sounds dangerous. [he smiles broadly]
Jeremy: "The traction control must stay on." Sounds dangerous. [he smiles broadly]
TV Show: Top Gear
[on driving for fun]
Jeremy: Motorcyclists do it all the time, so why don't human beings?
Jeremy: Motorcyclists do it all the time, so why don't human beings?
TV Show: Top Gear
[At the beginning of the news]
James: At first I want to say a couple more things about that Bentley. See, you said there it was like a slab of old England.
Jeremy: Yes.
James: But Bentley is owned by VW, that car was styled by a Belgian and it was engineered by a man called Ulrich Eichhorn. Doesn't sound very British.
Jeremy: Are you presenting Top Gear or are you writing a letter to the Daily Telegraph?
James: Well I am just saying that you know immediately that this car is German 'cause it's got too much power. They've overdone it, as usual. Like they did on their French holiday in 1939.
Jeremy: James, James, the Queen is German.
James: Yes.
Jeremy: You can't sing "Deutschland, Deutschland über alles" every time she comes on the television, do you?
James: Well, I do actually.
Richard: Yes, he does...
James: At first I want to say a couple more things about that Bentley. See, you said there it was like a slab of old England.
Jeremy: Yes.
James: But Bentley is owned by VW, that car was styled by a Belgian and it was engineered by a man called Ulrich Eichhorn. Doesn't sound very British.
Jeremy: Are you presenting Top Gear or are you writing a letter to the Daily Telegraph?
James: Well I am just saying that you know immediately that this car is German 'cause it's got too much power. They've overdone it, as usual. Like they did on their French holiday in 1939.
Jeremy: James, James, the Queen is German.
James: Yes.
Jeremy: You can't sing "Deutschland, Deutschland über alles" every time she comes on the television, do you?
James: Well, I do actually.
Richard: Yes, he does...
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the news]
Jeremy: You can't buy that because it's a SEAT.
Richard: Well...
James: What's wrong with that?
Jeremy: It's Spanish.
James: What's wrong with that?
Jeremy: I'm bored with Spain at the moment. Fernando Alonso, he's the most successful driver there... well, he just is. Okay? Then you've got Nadal in Tennis, they've won the UEFA Championships, they've nicked our airports, they've nicked all our fish, they've nicked all our building societies, they eat the heads off prawns, they throw donkeys off tower blocks and they stab cows.
[laughter]
Richard: So that's the Spanish?
Jeremy: That is the Spanish. [to the audience] Anybody from Spain here?
Richard: Sorry.
[a faint response is heard]
Jeremy: Give me my fish back!
Jeremy: You can't buy that because it's a SEAT.
Richard: Well...
James: What's wrong with that?
Jeremy: It's Spanish.
James: What's wrong with that?
Jeremy: I'm bored with Spain at the moment. Fernando Alonso, he's the most successful driver there... well, he just is. Okay? Then you've got Nadal in Tennis, they've won the UEFA Championships, they've nicked our airports, they've nicked all our fish, they've nicked all our building societies, they eat the heads off prawns, they throw donkeys off tower blocks and they stab cows.
[laughter]
Richard: So that's the Spanish?
Jeremy: That is the Spanish. [to the audience] Anybody from Spain here?
Richard: Sorry.
[a faint response is heard]
Jeremy: Give me my fish back!
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Dacia Sandero]
James: Great news!
Jeremy: What?
James: The Da- [Everyone starts to laugh]
James: They know what it is. [Laughing continues, until James regains composure]
James: The Dacia Sandero has gone on sale in left-hand-drive market.
Jeremy: Nice. [quickly] Now, just one more thing...
James: Great news!
Jeremy: What?
James: The Da- [Everyone starts to laugh]
James: They know what it is. [Laughing continues, until James regains composure]
James: The Dacia Sandero has gone on sale in left-hand-drive market.
Jeremy: Nice. [quickly] Now, just one more thing...
TV Show: Top Gear
[during the news, regarding the lack of female racing drivers]
Jeremy: The thing is, I know why women don't do it. It's 'cause as soon as a woman puts on a pair of racing overalls, they are immediately treated like a sex object.
Richard: Have you been on the Internet again?
Jeremy: Yes I have! [Crowd laughs] And I found this.
Richard: Oh God! [Crowd continues laughing]
[later in the same segment, discussing a recent survey on the ten sexiest female racing drivers]
Jeremy: Who do you think came tenth?
[scrolls down to reveal picture of James]
Jeremy: The thing is, I know why women don't do it. It's 'cause as soon as a woman puts on a pair of racing overalls, they are immediately treated like a sex object.
Richard: Have you been on the Internet again?
Jeremy: Yes I have! [Crowd laughs] And I found this.
Richard: Oh God! [Crowd continues laughing]
[later in the same segment, discussing a recent survey on the ten sexiest female racing drivers]
Jeremy: Who do you think came tenth?
[scrolls down to reveal picture of James]
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [On James' 2.0 litre GTV] Why didn't you get the V6?
James: It's not as good.
Jeremy: What?!
James: No, it's nose-heavy. The handling is compromised.
Jeremy: Of course, this is front-wheel drive, isn't it?
James: Yes.
Jeremy: And front-wheel drive is for the feeble.
James: It's not as good.
Jeremy: What?!
James: No, it's nose-heavy. The handling is compromised.
Jeremy: Of course, this is front-wheel drive, isn't it?
James: Yes.
Jeremy: And front-wheel drive is for the feeble.
TV Show: Top Gear
[speculating on Richard's and James' reaction to Jeremy's upturned Alfa Romeo 75]
Jeremy: Do you think they're a) going to be sympathetic or b) be a couple of-
Richard: [shouting] Nice work!
Jeremy: No, they're going to be a couple of.
Jeremy: Do you think they're a) going to be sympathetic or b) be a couple of-
Richard: [shouting] Nice work!
Jeremy: No, they're going to be a couple of.
TV Show: Top Gear
[During their trip to the Concours, while checking on Jeremy's Alfa Romeo 75]
Jeremy: I have been rescued (pertaining to the two women with him) and I haven't even broken down.
Richard: Well then you don't-
[James suddenly appears from the side]
James: Hello.
Jeremy: I have been rescued (pertaining to the two women with him) and I haven't even broken down.
Richard: Well then you don't-
[James suddenly appears from the side]
James: Hello.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [voiceover] So the car that was dead had to be towed by the car that was dying.
Jeremy: Oh listen to that now.
Richard: That's a weird noise for a car to make... that's better, what have you done?
Jeremy: Gone into second.
Richard: Second's nice, it's underrated as a gear.
Jeremy: Oh listen to that now.
Richard: That's a weird noise for a car to make... that's better, what have you done?
Jeremy: Gone into second.
Richard: Second's nice, it's underrated as a gear.
TV Show: Top Gear
[On disguising the fact that Richard's car had broken down]
Jeremy: [voiceover] James agreed to tow Richard, and my car, would hide the rope.
Jeremy: [voiceover] James agreed to tow Richard, and my car, would hide the rope.
TV Show: Top Gear
[At Alfa Romeo concours, talking to other contestant about his polished Alfa]
Richard: As a man of God, you'd take it badly if I were to, let's say, key it.
Richard: As a man of God, you'd take it badly if I were to, let's say, key it.
TV Show: Top Gear
[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say his droppings have been found as far north as York. And that he has a full size tattoo of his face, on his face. All we know is, he's called The Stig!
Jeremy: Some say his droppings have been found as far north as York. And that he has a full size tattoo of his face, on his face. All we know is, he's called The Stig!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Now, are there any mothers here?
[A response is heard.]
Jeremy: Yes? Well, Fiat has decided you need patronising.
[A response is heard.]
Jeremy: Yes? Well, Fiat has decided you need patronising.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Fiat Panda Mamy]
Jeremy: What are they going to do next, a Fiat Recently-Divorced Father? With a satnav that only goes to the zoo?
Richard: That's quite sad.
James: That's a good idea, actually, 'cause I've got a Fiat Panda, and I've also got a very young nephew and a young niece, so they could bring out the Panda Unsuitable Uncle. Which has just sort of got a very sharp kitchen knife left lying around.
Jeremy: What are they going to do next, a Fiat Recently-Divorced Father? With a satnav that only goes to the zoo?
Richard: That's quite sad.
James: That's a good idea, actually, 'cause I've got a Fiat Panda, and I've also got a very young nephew and a young niece, so they could bring out the Panda Unsuitable Uncle. Which has just sort of got a very sharp kitchen knife left lying around.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Dacia Sandero]
James: Great news!
Jeremy: What?
James: The Dacia Sandero; I got a new picture. [shows a picture of the Dacia Sandero]
Jeremy: Oooh... [quickly] Anyway,...
James: Great news!
Jeremy: What?
James: The Dacia Sandero; I got a new picture. [shows a picture of the Dacia Sandero]
Jeremy: Oooh... [quickly] Anyway,...
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [Regarding Hammond and May in Japan] Those two have got so many different connections to make, so many different modes of transport to go on. The chances of them making it without making a single mistake are nil, and if they do make a mistake, that's it.
[Cut to James and Richard]
James: See these manhole covers?
Richard: NO!
James: They're fantastic.
[Cut back to Jeremy]
Jeremy: A boy from Birmingham, and a man with no sense of direction, in Japan, won't win. The end.
[Cut to James and Richard]
James: See these manhole covers?
Richard: NO!
James: They're fantastic.
[Cut back to Jeremy]
Jeremy: A boy from Birmingham, and a man with no sense of direction, in Japan, won't win. The end.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on adjusting the GT-R's Satellite Navigation system]
Jeremy: I want to adjust the scale on my satnav, but it's all in Japanese. Won't dare touch it in case it all just goes off, and then I'd be DOOMED!
Jeremy: I want to adjust the scale on my satnav, but it's all in Japanese. Won't dare touch it in case it all just goes off, and then I'd be DOOMED!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: See, the thing is about all Japanese cars —
[satnav speaks a stream of Japanese]
Jeremy: [panicked] HELP!
[satnav speaks a stream of Japanese]
Jeremy: [panicked] HELP!
TV Show: Top Gear
[on his provided Japanese snacks]
Jeremy: That is just a fish... lightly killed and then put in a bag. The marvellous thing is that Richard Hammond won't be able to enjoy any of this, because he won't eat anything unless it's come from a burger van on the A38. [Imitating Richard while chewing of a piece of fish] "I don't like cheese! It's full of bacteria and I don't like fish."
[cut to a shot of Richard and James in a small shop, looking in the cooler.]
Richard: Mate, it's all fish.
James: Yeah, it's good for you.
Richard: Don't like fish.
James: Well, you've come to the wrong country.
Jeremy: That is just a fish... lightly killed and then put in a bag. The marvellous thing is that Richard Hammond won't be able to enjoy any of this, because he won't eat anything unless it's come from a burger van on the A38. [Imitating Richard while chewing of a piece of fish] "I don't like cheese! It's full of bacteria and I don't like fish."
[cut to a shot of Richard and James in a small shop, looking in the cooler.]
Richard: Mate, it's all fish.
James: Yeah, it's good for you.
Richard: Don't like fish.
James: Well, you've come to the wrong country.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: I have seen X-Factor winners less cheerful than all petrol pump attendants are in Japan.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [to the petrol pump attendant] Look at this.
[Jeremy puts on his Bill Oddie face-mask]
Jeremy: Brrrrr! How frightening's that? He can spot your beaver from about a mile away.
[Jeremy puts on his Bill Oddie face-mask]
Jeremy: Brrrrr! How frightening's that? He can spot your beaver from about a mile away.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Speed camera coming up! [puts the Bill Oddie face-mask on and races past the camera, on the pretence that Oddie will get the speeding ticket and not him]
TV Show: Top Gear
[while on a cable car to Nokogiri-yama]
Richard: So at the top here there is a Buddha...to road safety. Wouldn't it be brilliant if we got there and Jeremy's GT-R was buried in the middle of it?
[both begin to imitate Jeremy]
James: Watch this, I'm here.
Richard: Oh dear!
James: Bang!
Richard: So at the top here there is a Buddha...to road safety. Wouldn't it be brilliant if we got there and Jeremy's GT-R was buried in the middle of it?
[both begin to imitate Jeremy]
James: Watch this, I'm here.
Richard: Oh dear!
James: Bang!
TV Show: Top Gear
[After learning that Richard and James lost]
Jeremy: Honestly, 3 minutes and 12 seconds; that was so close.
Richard: [faces Buddha] Thanks Buddha, you looked after him...[breathes hard]...disappointed...
James: Wait for it...
[Translator device then speaks]
Richard: Which is...
James: Japanese for...
James and Jeremy: Oh cock!
Jeremy: Honestly, 3 minutes and 12 seconds; that was so close.
Richard: [faces Buddha] Thanks Buddha, you looked after him...[breathes hard]...disappointed...
James: Wait for it...
[Translator device then speaks]
Richard: Which is...
James: Japanese for...
James and Jeremy: Oh cock!
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight, we completely save the countryside; James and I completely ruin London; and there be dragons in our reasonably-priced car.
Jeremy: Tonight, we completely save the countryside; James and I completely ruin London; and there be dragons in our reasonably-priced car.
TV Show: Top Gear
[On the GT-R]
Jeremy: [voiceover] They [Nissan] haven't built a new car here... They've built a new yardstick.
Jeremy: [voiceover] They [Nissan] haven't built a new car here... They've built a new yardstick.
TV Show: Top Gear
[After Clarkson's Review of the GT-R]
Richard: You hopeless, old fart; a Datsun broke your neck.
Jeremy: It was already weakened, from endlessly craning down to listen to you.
James: Say, amazing rescue service they got there, isn't it? I was really pleased that someone have brought a lawn mower... [Crowd Laughs] and a bin lorry.
Jeremy: No, the dust bin lorry did put the fear of God in to me... Much like I did with them actually; when they took my sunglasses off, "Ooh, look at his eyes, disgusting!"
Richard: You hopeless, old fart; a Datsun broke your neck.
Jeremy: It was already weakened, from endlessly craning down to listen to you.
James: Say, amazing rescue service they got there, isn't it? I was really pleased that someone have brought a lawn mower... [Crowd Laughs] and a bin lorry.
Jeremy: No, the dust bin lorry did put the fear of God in to me... Much like I did with them actually; when they took my sunglasses off, "Ooh, look at his eyes, disgusting!"
TV Show: Top Gear