Top Gear Quotes
[During The Stig's Lap of the GT-R]
Jeremy: [voiceover] ...And he's still all over Elton John; let's hope he showers afterwards.
Jeremy: [voiceover] ...And he's still all over Elton John; let's hope he showers afterwards.
TV Show: Top Gear
[On the news]
Jeremy: ... it will be the case of 'I went on the M40 this week and found this!'
Jeremy: ... it will be the case of 'I went on the M40 this week and found this!'
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Dacia Sandero]
James: Oh, good news!
Jeremy: What?
James: The Dacia Sandero will have electronic brakeforce distribution.
Jeremy: Great [quickly] Now...
James: Oh, good news!
Jeremy: What?
James: The Dacia Sandero will have electronic brakeforce distribution.
Jeremy: Great [quickly] Now...
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the equipment of their classic luxury cars]
Jeremy (standing in front of the Mercedes' boot): Are you ready for this?
James (bored): Yes...
Jeremy (pushes a button and the bootlid closes, makes triumphant gesture)
James: That's brilliant actually, I have to concede that, because what I've always found really difficult is this (opens and closes the bootlid of his Rolls-Royce easily).
Jeremy (standing in front of the Mercedes' boot): Are you ready for this?
James (bored): Yes...
Jeremy (pushes a button and the bootlid closes, makes triumphant gesture)
James: That's brilliant actually, I have to concede that, because what I've always found really difficult is this (opens and closes the bootlid of his Rolls-Royce easily).
TV Show: Top Gear
[Describing James' Rolls-Royce Corniche]
Jeremy: All it is, is a Ford Zephyr with a chrome nose.
Jeremy: All it is, is a Ford Zephyr with a chrome nose.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Commenting on James' Rolls-Royce Corniche's top speed run]
Jeremy: Children come out of the womb faster than that!
Jeremy: Children come out of the womb faster than that!
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the last service bills of their classic luxury cars]
James: What was yours?
Jeremy (hands his bill over to James): read it and weep, that's the last service bill.
James (meets him with disbelief): Ehhh!? Fifte-.. (bursts out laughing) I misread that at first - 15 thousand...
Jeremy: Yeah, and...
James: 15,950 Pounds and 59 pence
Jeremy: Yes, 15,900 Pounds for a service.
James: Was that...
Jeremy: There was quite a lot needed doing, if I'm honest...
James: What did he do? Buy you a Golf? (bursts out laughing)
James: What was yours?
Jeremy (hands his bill over to James): read it and weep, that's the last service bill.
James (meets him with disbelief): Ehhh!? Fifte-.. (bursts out laughing) I misread that at first - 15 thousand...
Jeremy: Yeah, and...
James: 15,950 Pounds and 59 pence
Jeremy: Yes, 15,900 Pounds for a service.
James: Was that...
Jeremy: There was quite a lot needed doing, if I'm honest...
James: What did he do? Buy you a Golf? (bursts out laughing)
TV Show: Top Gear
[On the fate of Jeremy based on the former owners of his Mercedes Grosser 600, after finding out that the former owners of his Rolls-Royce Corniche are entertainers who are homosexual (Specifically Elton John, Liberace and Dick Emery)]
James: It is an impressive list, but, if your theory is correct, that means you're either going to murder millions of people, or, you're going to die on the bog trying to get 500 cheeseburgers out of your poo chute.
[a reference to Elvis Presley, one of the former owners of the Mercedes Grosser 600]
Jeremy: So really, it comes down to a simple choice: camp...
James: ...or Camp Commandant. (audience laughs)
James: It is an impressive list, but, if your theory is correct, that means you're either going to murder millions of people, or, you're going to die on the bog trying to get 500 cheeseburgers out of your poo chute.
[a reference to Elvis Presley, one of the former owners of the Mercedes Grosser 600]
Jeremy: So really, it comes down to a simple choice: camp...
James: ...or Camp Commandant. (audience laughs)
TV Show: Top Gear
[during the Car Hunting Challenge while some people are standing on the side]
Clarkson: Hello people, would you like me to murder you? I'm an offroad enthusiast.
Clarkson: Hello people, would you like me to murder you? I'm an offroad enthusiast.
TV Show: Top Gear
[After Clarkson was caught by the hunt and cues back to the studio]
Richard: Sadly, in the course of making that film, Jeremy Clarkson was eaten by dogs.
Richard: Sadly, in the course of making that film, Jeremy Clarkson was eaten by dogs.
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight, Richard spins off the track... twice; Jay Kay tries to get to number one; and Germany or Britain: which is best?
Jeremy: Tonight, Richard spins off the track... twice; Jay Kay tries to get to number one; and Germany or Britain: which is best?
TV Show: Top Gear
[on The Stig.]
Richard: Some say it's impossible for him to wear socks, and he can open a beer bottle with his testes! All we know is, he's called The Stig.
Richard: Some say it's impossible for him to wear socks, and he can open a beer bottle with his testes! All we know is, he's called The Stig.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on organ donation and the dangers of motorcycling]
James: I actually carry a card that says "I do not wish to help Jeremy Clarkson be amusing in the event of my death."
Jeremy: Fair enough.
James: I actually carry a card that says "I do not wish to help Jeremy Clarkson be amusing in the event of my death."
Jeremy: Fair enough.
TV Show: Top Gear
[While test driving the Mitsuoka Orochi]
James: [voiceover] It costs forty-four thousand pounds and it's made by a company called Mitsuoka.
James: You've probably never heard of them either, but they are a proper, Japanese car maker. In fact, they're the tenth biggest car maker in the country, after Toyota, Nissan, Honda and six others.
James: [voiceover] It costs forty-four thousand pounds and it's made by a company called Mitsuoka.
James: You've probably never heard of them either, but they are a proper, Japanese car maker. In fact, they're the tenth biggest car maker in the country, after Toyota, Nissan, Honda and six others.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Dacia Sandero]
James: Hey, great news!
Jeremy: What?
James: I've been sent more information on the Dacia Sandero.
Jeremy: Excellent, excellent. [quickly] Hey, now...
James: Hey, great news!
Jeremy: What?
James: I've been sent more information on the Dacia Sandero.
Jeremy: Excellent, excellent. [quickly] Hey, now...
TV Show: Top Gear
[Introducing the Top Gear vs D-Motor film]
Richard: Now, there's a new TV show in Germany. It's all about cars and it's hosted by three people.
Jeremy: I can't imagine where they got that idea from! No idea! Anyway, they got in touch with us and they invited us to take them on in a series of races and challenges.
James: Now, obviously, we needed somewhere to stage this.
Jeremy: Yes. I suggested we did it in the skies over southern England!
James: In fact, we settled on Belgium, which was a country invented so that Britain and Germany would have somewhere to sort out their differences!
Richard: Yup! And, on that point, the producers told us: "Now, listen. You're representing the BBC. You can't just turn up and go on about the war."
[James grins in silence]
Richard: Now, there's a new TV show in Germany. It's all about cars and it's hosted by three people.
Jeremy: I can't imagine where they got that idea from! No idea! Anyway, they got in touch with us and they invited us to take them on in a series of races and challenges.
James: Now, obviously, we needed somewhere to stage this.
Jeremy: Yes. I suggested we did it in the skies over southern England!
James: In fact, we settled on Belgium, which was a country invented so that Britain and Germany would have somewhere to sort out their differences!
Richard: Yup! And, on that point, the producers told us: "Now, listen. You're representing the BBC. You can't just turn up and go on about the war."
[James grins in silence]
TV Show: Top Gear
James: It's a gravel trap designed to stop Formula One cars. How on earth do you think it's not going to stop a Jaguar with a Metro on the roof?
TV Show: Top Gear
James: [voiceover] With us out all we could hope was that Jeremy and Kiff the soundman would race on, cleanly and fairly.
Jeremy: Ram him! RAM!
Jeremy: Ram him! RAM!
TV Show: Top Gear
James: Who makes the fastest cars: the Axis powers or the Allies?
Richard: You came up with this one didn't you?
James: Yes!
Richard: You came up with this one didn't you?
James: Yes!
TV Show: Top Gear
[Moments before James commences a drag race in a G-Whiz]
James: Cock. Just remembered the Australians. They do that VXR thing...
James: Cock. Just remembered the Australians. They do that VXR thing...
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the Axis vs Allies drag race]
Jeremy: I'm hoping that because the Lamborghini's Italian, it'll change sides halfway through the race.
Jeremy: I'm hoping that because the Lamborghini's Italian, it'll change sides halfway through the race.
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the Top Gear v. Germans challenge: hatch-back test]
Jeremy: Awful lot of bullets hitting me here.
Jeremy: [voiceover] And no wonder...
Richard: James, what are you doing!?
James: Shooting at Jeremy.
Richard: But he's on our side!
James: Yeah, but why wouldn't you?
Richard: You're right, you would. Fire!
Jeremy: Awful lot of bullets hitting me here.
Jeremy: [voiceover] And no wonder...
Richard: James, what are you doing!?
James: Shooting at Jeremy.
Richard: But he's on our side!
James: Yeah, but why wouldn't you?
Richard: You're right, you would. Fire!
TV Show: Top Gear
[James is watchingWhere Eagles Dareduring the Bowler Nemesis test]
James: [German accent] Sit down, Kommandant.
Jeremy: You're not interested in these, are you?
James: D'you know what? Your mind cannot comprehend of how uninterested I am in things like this.
James: [German accent] Sit down, Kommandant.
Jeremy: You're not interested in these, are you?
James: D'you know what? Your mind cannot comprehend of how uninterested I am in things like this.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Richard crashes his Bowler Nemesis]
Jeremy: [over radio] Hammond, if you don't get that thing started, [German accent] for uz, zee competition iz over!
Jeremy: [over radio] Hammond, if you don't get that thing started, [German accent] for uz, zee competition iz over!
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: Oh this, I'm gonna get grief for this now. This is not good.
James: [German accent] Cooler, eight weeks.
James: [German accent] Cooler, eight weeks.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: It's a two lap race of the Zolder circuit and it's between a Porsche 911 - the racing Porsche 911 - which will be driven by professional racing driver Tim Schrick. And he will be against an Aston Martin DBRS9, which will be driven by James May.
Richard: [quietly] Do we have to use James?
Jeremy: Well, no, you did the Bowler thing, I did the Mini thing, it's his turn.
Richard: But he's gonna lose... badly.
Richard: [quietly] Do we have to use James?
Jeremy: Well, no, you did the Bowler thing, I did the Mini thing, it's his turn.
Richard: But he's gonna lose... badly.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Upon seeing the Stig was leading at the final corner]
Richard: Stiii- [realizing] Jaaames!
Richard: Stiii- [realizing] Jaaames!
TV Show: Top Gear
[Mocking the speculation on the Stig, after passing him off as James May]
Richard: Some say you saved our bacon.
James: Others say I was bound and gagged in the locker room.
Richard: Some say you saved our bacon.
James: Others say I was bound and gagged in the locker room.
TV Show: Top Gear