Top Gear Quotes
[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight. The brighter, whiter way to ruin your underpants. How much lorrying can you get for five thousand pounds? And Michael Parkinson has a go in t' reasonably priced car.
Jeremy: Tonight. The brighter, whiter way to ruin your underpants. How much lorrying can you get for five thousand pounds? And Michael Parkinson has a go in t' reasonably priced car.
TV Show: Top Gear
[At the beginning of Jeremy's GT2 review]
Jeremy: AAAAaaAAaaaaAAAAaaaaAAaaAAaaAaAaAaaaaaAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
[Stops the GT2 and gets out]
Jeremy: [voiceover] And that concludes my road test of the GT2. It's terrifying.
Jeremy: AAAAaaAAaaaaAAAAaaaaAAaaAAaaAaAaAaaaaaAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
[Stops the GT2 and gets out]
Jeremy: [voiceover] And that concludes my road test of the GT2. It's terrifying.
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: How could you not like the GT2, you great fat balding useless hopeless bandy-legged bubble-haired pointless talentless gutless cowardly witless lump of suede-shoe-wearing daft-jean-wearing idiocy?
Jeremy: [pause] I knew you were gonna say that...
Richard: What, all of it?
Jeremy: [pause] I knew you were gonna say that...
Richard: What, all of it?
TV Show: Top Gear
[starting the news]
James: Right, the news. And of course we've been off the air for a while...
Richard: [walking on] God, he is such a child.
James: Yeah, where is he anyway?
Richard: I don't know; in the audience somewhere flicking people's ears and blaming the people next...
Jeremy: [from in the crowd] Excuse me... excuse me...
[Jeremy appears wearing a silk shirt]
[Audience applauds but Jeremy feigns ignorance]
Richard: You ah, you wearing that for a bet?
Jeremy: Yeah. Aaah, anyway...
James: Right, the news. And of course we've been off the air for a while...
Richard: [walking on] God, he is such a child.
James: Yeah, where is he anyway?
Richard: I don't know; in the audience somewhere flicking people's ears and blaming the people next...
Jeremy: [from in the crowd] Excuse me... excuse me...
[Jeremy appears wearing a silk shirt]
[Audience applauds but Jeremy feigns ignorance]
Richard: You ah, you wearing that for a bet?
Jeremy: Yeah. Aaah, anyway...
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the news, mocking last series' news joke.]
Jeremy: James, bad news. The Dacia Sandero...
James: The what?
Jeremy: The Dacia Sandero is not coming to the UK!
James: Oh. Now...
Jeremy: James, bad news. The Dacia Sandero...
James: The what?
Jeremy: The Dacia Sandero is not coming to the UK!
James: Oh. Now...
TV Show: Top Gear
[on a Citroën camper conversion]
Jeremy: And it only has one bed!
James: Well, he's not going to have a friend, is he.
Jeremy: And it only has one bed!
James: Well, he's not going to have a friend, is he.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he sleeps inside out, and that he once had full sex with Russell Brand's answering machine. All we know is, he's called The Stig.
Jeremy: Some say that he sleeps inside out, and that he once had full sex with Russell Brand's answering machine. All we know is, he's called The Stig.
TV Show: Top Gear
[commentating on The Stig's Power Lap in the Lamborghini]
Jeremy: He appears to have started to listening to Morse code. Very strange, or maybe it's him making that noise.
The Stig: [in Morse code]Strictly is crap.
[...]
The Stig: [in Morse code] I love cheese.
Jeremy: He appears to have started to listening to Morse code. Very strange, or maybe it's him making that noise.
The Stig: [in Morse code]Strictly is crap.
[...]
The Stig: [in Morse code] I love cheese.
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the truck challenge, showing their 'knowledge' of their trucks]
James: So what have you got?
Jeremy: A lorry!
James: But what kind?
Jeremy: ...A big one!
James: So what have you got?
Jeremy: A lorry!
James: But what kind?
Jeremy: ...A big one!
TV Show: Top Gear
[Also during the truck challenge]
Richard: I have bought this!
Jeremy: What is it?
Richard: It's an, well it's an... Erf!
Richard: I have bought this!
Jeremy: What is it?
Richard: It's an, well it's an... Erf!
TV Show: Top Gear
[Reading the first challenge]
Jeremy: In less developed countries such as Australia and America, people like to personalise their vehicles. You must now do the same.
Jeremy: [Looking at his lorry] I'm gonna need a hell of a lot of paint...
Jeremy: In less developed countries such as Australia and America, people like to personalise their vehicles. You must now do the same.
Jeremy: [Looking at his lorry] I'm gonna need a hell of a lot of paint...
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [Reading the second challenge card] You must now demonstrate your lorry-driving skills by powersliding your trucks around... well, presumably it's that skid pan.
James: What's the point? You can't powerslide lorries anyway.
Richard: Technically, you can't powerslide anything.
Jeremy: [Continuing to read from the card] To prove that it's possible, you will now watch a demonstration by our tame racing driver.
James: What's the point? You can't powerslide lorries anyway.
Richard: Technically, you can't powerslide anything.
Jeremy: [Continuing to read from the card] To prove that it's possible, you will now watch a demonstration by our tame racing driver.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on The Stig's "Lorry-driving cousin"]
Jeremy: Some say his favourite all-time tune is Forever Autumn by Justin Hayward, and that he has the world's largest collection of pornographical material. All we know is, he's not The Stig, but he is The Stig's lorry-driving cousin!
Jeremy: Some say his favourite all-time tune is Forever Autumn by Justin Hayward, and that he has the world's largest collection of pornographical material. All we know is, he's not The Stig, but he is The Stig's lorry-driving cousin!
TV Show: Top Gear
[After injuring himself falling off of the seat of his lorry during the Powerslide challenge]
Jeremy: [to the paramedic] Yeah, the gear lever's gone up my arse.
Paramedic: Right, okay.
James: [voiceover] After the gear lever had been removed from Jeremy's bottom...
Jeremy: [to the paramedic] Yeah, the gear lever's gone up my arse.
Paramedic: Right, okay.
James: [voiceover] After the gear lever had been removed from Jeremy's bottom...
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: I absolutely hope that James May wakes up in the morning and ten thousand insects are in his underpants!
TV Show: Top Gear
[After Jeremy pulls up to May and Hammond with his lorry trailer on fire]
Richard: How can we be this rubbish?
Richard: How can we be this rubbish?
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Change gear, change gear, mirrors, murder a prostitute, change gear, change gear, change gear, murder. That's a lot of effort in one day.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [Reading challenge card] It says that this is a test of speed, braking and toughness all in one. You must accelerate to 56 miles an hour, drive through an obstacle and stop as quickly as possible. It says whoever does that in the shortest distance wins a year's supply of pies.
Richard: What do they mean by "obstacles"?
Jeremy: Doesn't say.
[pause]
James: What sort of pies?
Richard: What do they mean by "obstacles"?
Jeremy: Doesn't say.
[pause]
James: What sort of pies?
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: On tonight's holiday programme we go to San Francisco in California. We have a night out in Reno, Nevada. And we end up on the salt flats of Bonneville.
Jeremy: On tonight's holiday programme we go to San Francisco in California. We have a night out in Reno, Nevada. And we end up on the salt flats of Bonneville.
TV Show: Top Gear
[During Abarth review.]
Jeremy: [VO] ... And if you drive it with the bonnet up it won't work at all.
[Shows Jeremy driving it with the Abarth's bonnet up]
Jeremy: I CAN'T SEE WHERE I'M GOING!
Jeremy: [VO] ... And if you drive it with the bonnet up it won't work at all.
[Shows Jeremy driving it with the Abarth's bonnet up]
Jeremy: I CAN'T SEE WHERE I'M GOING!
TV Show: Top Gear
[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he invented November. And that if he had won the World Championship in Brazil last weekend, there might have been one photograph of him without his father, gurning in the back of shot. All we know is, he's called The Stig.
Jeremy: Some say that he invented November. And that if he had won the World Championship in Brazil last weekend, there might have been one photograph of him without his father, gurning in the back of shot. All we know is, he's called The Stig.
TV Show: Top Gear
[describing The Stig's lap in the Abarth]
Jeremy: Stig still listening to Morse code, better than static I suppose ... maybe he's signalling to his home planet.
The Stig: [in Morse code] I voted Ross Perot.
The Stig: [in Morse code] Me smell cats.
Jeremy: Stig still listening to Morse code, better than static I suppose ... maybe he's signalling to his home planet.
The Stig: [in Morse code] I voted Ross Perot.
The Stig: [in Morse code] Me smell cats.
TV Show: Top Gear
[during the news, May is wearing a leather jacket]
Jeremy: [point at May] Are you wearing that for a bet?
Richard: Yeah, he is.
James: Yeah.
Jeremy: He is, ah okay.
Jeremy: [point at May] Are you wearing that for a bet?
Richard: Yeah, he is.
James: Yeah.
Jeremy: He is, ah okay.
TV Show: Top Gear
[during the news]
James: And there's more fast small car news from Renault with this, which is the Mégane R26.R. And I think that looks really great as well.
Richard: Yeah, yeah, I saw that and thought o' you straight away mate. No, I thought what that James May is gonna want is a hatchback with red wheels, six point harnesses, a carbon-fibre bonnet, plastic windows. That's...
Jeremy: It is. And James, it's French, who you like to think of as "lamb-burning communists". It's perfect for you in every way!
Richard: How did you arrive at wanting that?
James: Because I like it.
Jeremy: Look, James, let me put it to you this way: you would have to have literally no penis at all to buy a car like that.
James: [looks down at crotch] How do you work that out?
Jeremy: Well 'cause we're always being told that the... flashness of your car is inversely proportionate to the size—is this right? Am I talking sense here girls?—So the larger the man's car, the flasher it is, the vegetable... thing goes on?
James: Is that right? And you're saying that to a man with a 1.2 litre Fiat Panda? [audience laughs] Mister swollen-wheel-arches Mercedes CLK Black.
Richard: He does have a point there. He does...
Jeremy: You've got a Ford Mustang!
Richard: Let's move on!
James: And there's more fast small car news from Renault with this, which is the Mégane R26.R. And I think that looks really great as well.
Richard: Yeah, yeah, I saw that and thought o' you straight away mate. No, I thought what that James May is gonna want is a hatchback with red wheels, six point harnesses, a carbon-fibre bonnet, plastic windows. That's...
Jeremy: It is. And James, it's French, who you like to think of as "lamb-burning communists". It's perfect for you in every way!
Richard: How did you arrive at wanting that?
James: Because I like it.
Jeremy: Look, James, let me put it to you this way: you would have to have literally no penis at all to buy a car like that.
James: [looks down at crotch] How do you work that out?
Jeremy: Well 'cause we're always being told that the... flashness of your car is inversely proportionate to the size—is this right? Am I talking sense here girls?—So the larger the man's car, the flasher it is, the vegetable... thing goes on?
James: Is that right? And you're saying that to a man with a 1.2 litre Fiat Panda? [audience laughs] Mister swollen-wheel-arches Mercedes CLK Black.
Richard: He does have a point there. He does...
Jeremy: You've got a Ford Mustang!
Richard: Let's move on!
TV Show: Top Gear
[during the news]
Jeremy: Next year, this is the good thing about Formula One — it's coming home, as we like to think about it — TO THE BBC!
[audience cheers]
Jeremy: No adverts! The only problem we got is that there are some people speculating that the, the person who's going to get the commentary job — who's going to be the modern-day Murray Walker — is Richard Hammond.
Richard: I've seen that in the papers. It came as a surprise!
Jeremy: A man who has... he's never watched a Formula One race in his life.
Richard: Err... no, actually!
Jeremy: You weren't even watching last weekend!
Richard: No, I was driving home.
Jeremy: Did you look around and think god the traffic's quiet tonight?
Richard: I did get a clear run, I must admit!
Jeremy: If he got the job, it really would be And they're off! And look at that idiot in the Mercedes SL! He's holding them up! No Richard, that's the parade lap.
Richard: [playing along]Wow, there's a red one in the lead, he's pulled in, what? For petrol? Well why didn't he just fill up before he left? I freely admit I wouldn't be very good at that.
Jeremy: He would be the worst person in the world for that job.
James: [looking sheepish] Well... not absolutely...
Jeremy: Next year, this is the good thing about Formula One — it's coming home, as we like to think about it — TO THE BBC!
[audience cheers]
Jeremy: No adverts! The only problem we got is that there are some people speculating that the, the person who's going to get the commentary job — who's going to be the modern-day Murray Walker — is Richard Hammond.
Richard: I've seen that in the papers. It came as a surprise!
Jeremy: A man who has... he's never watched a Formula One race in his life.
Richard: Err... no, actually!
Jeremy: You weren't even watching last weekend!
Richard: No, I was driving home.
Jeremy: Did you look around and think god the traffic's quiet tonight?
Richard: I did get a clear run, I must admit!
Jeremy: If he got the job, it really would be And they're off! And look at that idiot in the Mercedes SL! He's holding them up! No Richard, that's the parade lap.
Richard: [playing along]Wow, there's a red one in the lead, he's pulled in, what? For petrol? Well why didn't he just fill up before he left? I freely admit I wouldn't be very good at that.
Jeremy: He would be the worst person in the world for that job.
James: [looking sheepish] Well... not absolutely...
TV Show: Top Gear
[Introducing the main segment]
James: What we have down here is a selection of American muscle cars. Now the recipe for this for this sort of thing was always very simple: massive engine; crude, simple suspension; very low price; and finally, [gesturing to a Dodge Challenger] some orange paint. Now, this sort of thing never really caught on in the civilised world and we thought that what with petrol prices being so high now, they'd have died out in America as well.
Richard: However, in the last few months three brand-new American muscle cars have arrived. So we thought we best pop over to the states and find out if they're any good.
Jeremy: Unfortunately, there was a problem. You see, we all have visas which allow us to go to America and make a factual documentary. But, since our last trip over there when I might have accidentally put a cow on the roof of my car, the American — the U.S. state department no less — has decided Top Gear is actually now an entertainment show.
James: And unfortunately that requires a different type of visa and we didn't have time to go and get one. So, in the end we were only allowed in to the country if we promised — this isn't a lie is it?
Jeremy: No, this is absolutely, hand on heart...
Richard: This is for real.
James: — if we promised not to be entertaining.
James: What we have down here is a selection of American muscle cars. Now the recipe for this for this sort of thing was always very simple: massive engine; crude, simple suspension; very low price; and finally, [gesturing to a Dodge Challenger] some orange paint. Now, this sort of thing never really caught on in the civilised world and we thought that what with petrol prices being so high now, they'd have died out in America as well.
Richard: However, in the last few months three brand-new American muscle cars have arrived. So we thought we best pop over to the states and find out if they're any good.
Jeremy: Unfortunately, there was a problem. You see, we all have visas which allow us to go to America and make a factual documentary. But, since our last trip over there when I might have accidentally put a cow on the roof of my car, the American — the U.S. state department no less — has decided Top Gear is actually now an entertainment show.
James: And unfortunately that requires a different type of visa and we didn't have time to go and get one. So, in the end we were only allowed in to the country if we promised — this isn't a lie is it?
Jeremy: No, this is absolutely, hand on heart...
Richard: This is for real.
James: — if we promised not to be entertaining.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Now listen you two: no irony, no hyperbole, no sarcasm and don't put a cow on your roof!
Richard: Can I crash into James every time we stop?
Jeremy: No.
Richard: Just a tiny—
Jeremy: No!
[they set off]
Jeremy: If Hammond drives into May's car, Bruce Willis will come in a State Department gunship and we shall all be killed!
Richard: Can I crash into James every time we stop?
Jeremy: No.
Richard: Just a tiny—
Jeremy: No!
[they set off]
Jeremy: If Hammond drives into May's car, Bruce Willis will come in a State Department gunship and we shall all be killed!
TV Show: Top Gear
[During muscle car roadtrip, asking Richard about the features of his Dodge Challenger.]
Jeremy: Let me put it this way – this is like a body builder, right? Hugely impressive, but when you take it's trunks down it's Hello Mr Squir—
[On screen: To keep the US State Department happy this is censored.]
Richard: What d'you mean, you put it in a melon?
Jeremy: Let me put it this way – this is like a body builder, right? Hugely impressive, but when you take it's trunks down it's Hello Mr Squir—
[On screen: To keep the US State Department happy this is censored.]
Richard: What d'you mean, you put it in a melon?
TV Show: Top Gear