Top Gear Quotes
Richard: Now, tonight, we're trying to get three fast cars from San Francisco to the Speed Week Drag Races at the Bonneville Salt Flats. Usual range of problems: we've got visas which allow us to be factual, not entertaining; Jeremy has met a policeman; and James hates his car. We rejoin the action at Reno, which is, factually speaking, a toilet.
TV Show: Top Gear
[On the Bonneville Salt Flats, talking about drivers who become obsessed with getting a record time]
Jeremy: [Narrating] Keen to become one of those speed freaks, I was up extremely early.
[The camera cuts to Jeremy behind the wheel]
Jeremy: Now, as we know, practice makes perfect. So, I'm gonna get some practice now, before the course opens... in the 'Bago.
[The RV is show pulling away from the cars, with various unsecured items falling off of tables.]
James: [off-screen] Clarkson!!
Jeremy: [trying to sound innocent] What?
James: I know it's you!
Richard: [in bed, groggily] What're you doing?
Jeremy: We're up to 40 miles an hour in the 'Bago, come on!
Richard: [nearly falling off of the bed] I was asleep!
Jeremy: Where's May?
James: I'm on the throne! Clarkson, it's not funny! [Jeremy starts laughing]
Richard: AHH! [he throws a pillow off-screen at Jeremy]
[Jeremy parks the Winnebago as James steps out of the bathroom.]
James: Clarkson, you infantile pillock! [Jeremy laughs] You're tidying that up! [Jeremy laughs harder]
Jeremy: [Narrating] Keen to become one of those speed freaks, I was up extremely early.
[The camera cuts to Jeremy behind the wheel]
Jeremy: Now, as we know, practice makes perfect. So, I'm gonna get some practice now, before the course opens... in the 'Bago.
[The RV is show pulling away from the cars, with various unsecured items falling off of tables.]
James: [off-screen] Clarkson!!
Jeremy: [trying to sound innocent] What?
James: I know it's you!
Richard: [in bed, groggily] What're you doing?
Jeremy: We're up to 40 miles an hour in the 'Bago, come on!
Richard: [nearly falling off of the bed] I was asleep!
Jeremy: Where's May?
James: I'm on the throne! Clarkson, it's not funny! [Jeremy starts laughing]
Richard: AHH! [he throws a pillow off-screen at Jeremy]
[Jeremy parks the Winnebago as James steps out of the bathroom.]
James: Clarkson, you infantile pillock! [Jeremy laughs] You're tidying that up! [Jeremy laughs harder]
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight. James goes racing in Finland. Richard tries out the future of motoring in Japan. And I cut up some wood near Godalming.
Jeremy: Tonight. James goes racing in Finland. Richard tries out the future of motoring in Japan. And I cut up some wood near Godalming.
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the news]
Jeremy: Great news! They've done an off-road version of the Dacia Sandero! [photo appears on TV screen] Don't be fooled by the Renault badge; that's the Dacia, that baby!
James: What the hell are you on about?
Jeremy: It's Dacia!... : [audience member says something, Jeremy speaks to him] It's a Dacia! I know it says Renault, I just said that! Have you got a beard in your ears as well? Or is... : [audience member replies] Why do ginger people always grow more of it on their faces? That's what I want to know.
Jeremy: Great news! They've done an off-road version of the Dacia Sandero! [photo appears on TV screen] Don't be fooled by the Renault badge; that's the Dacia, that baby!
James: What the hell are you on about?
Jeremy: It's Dacia!... : [audience member says something, Jeremy speaks to him] It's a Dacia! I know it says Renault, I just said that! Have you got a beard in your ears as well? Or is... : [audience member replies] Why do ginger people always grow more of it on their faces? That's what I want to know.
TV Show: Top Gear
[James is taking part in a folk race in Finland]
James: Have a Scandinavian flick, Finnish person!
James: Have a Scandinavian flick, Finnish person!
TV Show: Top Gear
[On discussing the V8 Beef and Brick smoothie Jeremy just put together with a 6.2litre V8 powered food blender]
Jeremy: It needs a name.
Richard: We should give it a name. We should call it... Desperate Shag in a Skip.
[James drinks some of the smoothie, and immediately looks disgusted]
Jeremy: I think he likes it!
James: I've got the name for it.
Jeremy: What?
James: The Bloody Awful!
Jeremy: [to Richard] Have you tried some?
Richard: Yeah.
Jeremy: You haven't! Show me putting it in your mouth. [Richard drinks some, and also reacts with disgust] That will put testes on your chest, that will.
Richard: [shouting] It's put hairs on my eyeballs!
Jeremy: It needs a name.
Richard: We should give it a name. We should call it... Desperate Shag in a Skip.
[James drinks some of the smoothie, and immediately looks disgusted]
Jeremy: I think he likes it!
James: I've got the name for it.
Jeremy: What?
James: The Bloody Awful!
Jeremy: [to Richard] Have you tried some?
Richard: Yeah.
Jeremy: You haven't! Show me putting it in your mouth. [Richard drinks some, and also reacts with disgust] That will put testes on your chest, that will.
Richard: [shouting] It's put hairs on my eyeballs!
TV Show: Top Gear
[The three are driving a Renault Avantime around the track]
Jeremy: So, this is six years old and everything works — which is odd because most Renaults...
Richard: ...six minutes!
Jeremy: So, this is six years old and everything works — which is odd because most Renaults...
Richard: ...six minutes!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Why don't we just put nitrous on it?
Richard: Do you remember what happened to the first Stig?
Jeremy: Fell off an aircraft carrier.
Richard: Because?
Jeremy: [glances at The Stig] ...yeah, we used nitrous...
Richard: Do you remember what happened to the first Stig?
Jeremy: Fell off an aircraft carrier.
Richard: Because?
Jeremy: [glances at The Stig] ...yeah, we used nitrous...
TV Show: Top Gear
[A plywood splitter they fitted to the Avantime is on fire]
Jeremy: Hey, wait a minute. This is something I've wanted to do—I've worked in television for twenty years now, never had the chance yet—
James: Back to the studio.
Jeremy: Hey that's my line! That's what I wanted to say! May! May, you [bleep]-head! [chases after James]
[Richard uses a fire extinguisher on the burning splitter]
Richard: Yup. What I thought I'd do is put the fire out, and then say...
Jeremy: [behind Richard] Back to the studio!
Jeremy: Hey, wait a minute. This is something I've wanted to do—I've worked in television for twenty years now, never had the chance yet—
James: Back to the studio.
Jeremy: Hey that's my line! That's what I wanted to say! May! May, you [bleep]-head! [chases after James]
[Richard uses a fire extinguisher on the burning splitter]
Richard: Yup. What I thought I'd do is put the fire out, and then say...
Jeremy: [behind Richard] Back to the studio!
TV Show: Top Gear
[The Stig is driving their modified Avantime around the track]
Jeremy: Look at that! It looks like a touring car! A French, plastic touring car, but a touring car none the less!
Jeremy: Look at that! It looks like a touring car! A French, plastic touring car, but a touring car none the less!
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight. We have a race to Blackpool. The new Lamborghini comes to our studio. And at last, the Bugatti Veyron is on our track.
Jeremy: Tonight. We have a race to Blackpool. The new Lamborghini comes to our studio. And at last, the Bugatti Veyron is on our track.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Starting up the show]
Jeremy: Now, every week either Richard or I drive a preposterously fast car around our track. But when it came to making this week's film, there was a problem: neither one of us was available. I had hurt my neck in the lorry crash, and Richard was busy selling fish at Morrison's. Which meant that for the first time ever, Captain Slow went out there... God help us...
Jeremy: Now, every week either Richard or I drive a preposterously fast car around our track. But when it came to making this week's film, there was a problem: neither one of us was available. I had hurt my neck in the lorry crash, and Richard was busy selling fish at Morrison's. Which meant that for the first time ever, Captain Slow went out there... God help us...
TV Show: Top Gear
[Describing the Zonda Roadster F]
James: That is the Zonda F Roadster. [voiceover] And in the already insane world of Pagani, this one has its own special padded cell.
James: That is the Zonda F Roadster. [voiceover] And in the already insane world of Pagani, this one has its own special padded cell.
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the track test of the Zonda Roadster F]
James: The acceleration is so brutal! I think my eyes have moved around the side of my head like a pigeon.
James: The acceleration is so brutal! I think my eyes have moved around the side of my head like a pigeon.
TV Show: Top Gear
[After a few spin offs]
James: [voiceover] With a little practise, I got the hang of it.
[Cut to The Stig wearing James' jumper driving the Zonda]
James: [voiceover] With a little practise, I got the hang of it.
[Cut to The Stig wearing James' jumper driving the Zonda]
TV Show: Top Gear
James: [voiceover] I think I know what to do at this point...
[mimicking Jeremy's catchphrase]
James: POWEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!
[mimicking Jeremy's catchphrase]
James: POWEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!
TV Show: Top Gear
[After testing the Zonda Roadster F]
James: Now the office say they have another car to try on the track but I shouldn't worry because it's only a VW. [Looks in the distance] Funny.
[Cuts to the Veyron]
James: Now the office say they have another car to try on the track but I shouldn't worry because it's only a VW. [Looks in the distance] Funny.
[Cuts to the Veyron]
TV Show: Top Gear
[Standing in front of the Bugatti and Zonda]
James: Now, I believe the done thing at this point is to have a drag race. So if nobody objects, we'll have one... [pauses] with these two. I will be in the Zonda, and the Veyron will be driven by the Stig... who wasn't here earlier.
James: Now, I believe the done thing at this point is to have a drag race. So if nobody objects, we'll have one... [pauses] with these two. I will be in the Zonda, and the Veyron will be driven by the Stig... who wasn't here earlier.
TV Show: Top Gear
[After Jeremy has shown him clips of his practise in the Zonda]
James: I know what the problem is: it's my hair. [Jeremy scoffs] No, really. When you get up to speed my hair flaps about and gets in the way. When I put that white helmet on, it was much better!
James: I know what the problem is: it's my hair. [Jeremy scoffs] No, really. When you get up to speed my hair flaps about and gets in the way. When I put that white helmet on, it was much better!
TV Show: Top Gear
[during the news]
Richard: Jeremy?
Jeremy: Yeah?
Richard: The slippers?
Jeremy: Yeah?
Richard: Are they a bet?
Jeremy: Oh course they're a bet.
Richard: Jeremy?
Jeremy: Yeah?
Richard: The slippers?
Jeremy: Yeah?
Richard: Are they a bet?
Jeremy: Oh course they're a bet.
TV Show: Top Gear
[During Pagani Zonda Lap.]
Jeremy: This car can be vicious, but in an amusing way, like a shark in a funny hat.
Jeremy: This car can be vicious, but in an amusing way, like a shark in a funny hat.
TV Show: Top Gear
[during the news]
James: Oh! Big news!
Jeremy: Is it the Dacia Sandero?
James: [confused] ...No, erm...
James: Oh! Big news!
Jeremy: Is it the Dacia Sandero?
James: [confused] ...No, erm...
TV Show: Top Gear
[Discussing the Vauxhall Insignia's hard seats]
Richard: Actually, you can't criticise those, because a German panel of seat experts...
Jeremy: [interrupts] A what?
Richard: There's a German panel of seat experts.
Jeremy: And I've invited them all to your house for Christmas.
Richard: Oh God! Where would you put them, have a sea... no stand up.
Richard: Actually, you can't criticise those, because a German panel of seat experts...
Jeremy: [interrupts] A what?
Richard: There's a German panel of seat experts.
Jeremy: And I've invited them all to your house for Christmas.
Richard: Oh God! Where would you put them, have a sea... no stand up.
TV Show: Top Gear
[during the news]
Jeremy: Can anyone think of one thing, in the world, which is better hard, than soft?
Richard: Oh, that's quite awkward actually there Jeremy.
Jeremy: [to a man in the audience] What?...[man responds] Ice.
Richard: He got us out of it.
Jeremy: Yeah, well thanks for getting us out of that one mate.
Jeremy: Can anyone think of one thing, in the world, which is better hard, than soft?
Richard: Oh, that's quite awkward actually there Jeremy.
Jeremy: [to a man in the audience] What?...[man responds] Ice.
Richard: He got us out of it.
Jeremy: Yeah, well thanks for getting us out of that one mate.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Harry Enfield in his "Clarkson Island" comedy sketch]
Enfield [as Clarkson]: [mimicking Jeremy's habit of pausing] Hello, I'm, on an Island, and not just, any Island, Because this Island, is Clarkson island, and Unlike any other island, Clarkson island, has the greatest number of Clarksons... In the world!
Paul Whitehouse [as Clarkson]: In fact Clarkson Island, standing, 248 Clarksons, per square mile.
[later in the sketch, "Clarkson" visits a farmer who farms Clarksons]'
Farmer: Come on now, Clarksy. [shaves the head of a "Clarkson"] We actually clip them towards the year, otherwise their woolly hair gets clogged up and all the shit comes out of their mouths, see.
Jeremy: My son watches that every hour, every time he sees it he goes "Dad, you're on television again, well it's not really you; it's some blokes with shit coming out of their mouths!"
Enfield [as Clarkson]: [mimicking Jeremy's habit of pausing] Hello, I'm, on an Island, and not just, any Island, Because this Island, is Clarkson island, and Unlike any other island, Clarkson island, has the greatest number of Clarksons... In the world!
Paul Whitehouse [as Clarkson]: In fact Clarkson Island, standing, 248 Clarksons, per square mile.
[later in the sketch, "Clarkson" visits a farmer who farms Clarksons]'
Farmer: Come on now, Clarksy. [shaves the head of a "Clarkson"] We actually clip them towards the year, otherwise their woolly hair gets clogged up and all the shit comes out of their mouths, see.
Jeremy: My son watches that every hour, every time he sees it he goes "Dad, you're on television again, well it's not really you; it's some blokes with shit coming out of their mouths!"
TV Show: Top Gear
[James' first time introducing The Stig]
James: Some say, he has a stripy top, just like mine...
Jeremy: Oh, give it a rest!
Richard: You really weren't fooling anyone.
James: Some say, he has a stripy top, just like mine...
Jeremy: Oh, give it a rest!
Richard: You really weren't fooling anyone.
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight. The Stig climbs into a bucket of hot wallpaper paste. Richard sorts out public transport. And James gets beaten up by a boat.
Jeremy: Tonight. The Stig climbs into a bucket of hot wallpaper paste. Richard sorts out public transport. And James gets beaten up by a boat.
TV Show: Top Gear
[About The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that one of his eyes is a teste. And that he was turned down for I'm a celebrity because people have heard of him. All we know is he's called The Stig!
Jeremy: Some say that one of his eyes is a teste. And that he was turned down for I'm a celebrity because people have heard of him. All we know is he's called The Stig!
TV Show: Top Gear