Top Gear Quotes
[During the news]
Jeremy: [pointing to Richard's waistcoat] You wearing that for a bet?
Richard: No.
Jeremy: No?
Richard: No.
Jeremy: [pointing to Richard's waistcoat] You wearing that for a bet?
Richard: No.
Jeremy: No?
Richard: No.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Discussing the new Infiniti G convertible and its similarities to the Lexus SC 430]
Richard: [about the Lexus] I mean that is undoubtedly the most vile and hideous cars ever made. Why make it look like that?
James: It is vile, but it's completely academic because you never see one of those in the real world.
Jeremy: Oh you do! You do! Go to Cheshire, they're everywhere. And they're always being driven by those women that have got faces actually made from leather.
Richard: But whenever I see them — those women driving those cars — I really do want to stop them and just ask, I want to beg why? Tell me why did you buy that because it's an expensive car.
Jeremy: It's like getting every travel brochure, choosing your summer holidays next summer—a hundred and eighty countries you could go to and saying Yes, Germany. Not Mauritius—not Mauritius, Dortmund is where I want to go.
Richard: [about the Lexus] I mean that is undoubtedly the most vile and hideous cars ever made. Why make it look like that?
James: It is vile, but it's completely academic because you never see one of those in the real world.
Jeremy: Oh you do! You do! Go to Cheshire, they're everywhere. And they're always being driven by those women that have got faces actually made from leather.
Richard: But whenever I see them — those women driving those cars — I really do want to stop them and just ask, I want to beg why? Tell me why did you buy that because it's an expensive car.
Jeremy: It's like getting every travel brochure, choosing your summer holidays next summer—a hundred and eighty countries you could go to and saying Yes, Germany. Not Mauritius—not Mauritius, Dortmund is where I want to go.
TV Show: Top Gear
[May has a coughing fit as the Porsche Panamera appears on the TV.]
Richard: You all right?
James: 'Scuse me - no, I'm going to die now.
Jeremy: Is it this, has this made you feel sick?
James: I was going to say, that's exactly what it is - I looked at that and it nearly killed me, it's so awful.
[...]
Jeremy: What gets me is, who's going to say of this, "No, no, I don't want the Maserati Quattroporte or, what, you know that four-door Lamborghini we had in the studio last week, do you remember? Who's going to say, "No, I want this instead"? That's like being offered the choice of marrying two women, one of them unkind and ugly, and the other beautiful with a heart of gold, and saying, "No, I want the brutal minger."
Richard: You all right?
James: 'Scuse me - no, I'm going to die now.
Jeremy: Is it this, has this made you feel sick?
James: I was going to say, that's exactly what it is - I looked at that and it nearly killed me, it's so awful.
[...]
Jeremy: What gets me is, who's going to say of this, "No, no, I don't want the Maserati Quattroporte or, what, you know that four-door Lamborghini we had in the studio last week, do you remember? Who's going to say, "No, I want this instead"? That's like being offered the choice of marrying two women, one of them unkind and ugly, and the other beautiful with a heart of gold, and saying, "No, I want the brutal minger."
TV Show: Top Gear
[after Jeremy asks a nurse in the audience if she can kill James]
Richard: All she needs is a syringe and some water to kill someone? Is she a nurse or a ninja?
Richard: All she needs is a syringe and some water to kill someone? Is she a nurse or a ninja?
TV Show: Top Gear
[having just watched a Range Rover drive into a pond[
Richard: Ooh! I bet that made him jump.
Richard: Ooh! I bet that made him jump.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Jeremy has proposed putting giant magnets on the front of cars to avert collisions, and a member of the audience has pointed out another benefit]
Jeremy: The man here - doesn't look bright - he's just pointed out that you'd be driving along, every screw and nail [pantomimes road debris adhering to the bumper magnet] doonk, doonk, doonk, on the front, you'd never get a puncture!
Richard: Along with the manhole covers and signposts! And the railings! And traffic lights! And dogs with metal collars on! And skips!
Jeremy: You are just nitpicking.
Jeremy: The man here - doesn't look bright - he's just pointed out that you'd be driving along, every screw and nail [pantomimes road debris adhering to the bumper magnet] doonk, doonk, doonk, on the front, you'd never get a puncture!
Richard: Along with the manhole covers and signposts! And the railings! And traffic lights! And dogs with metal collars on! And skips!
Jeremy: You are just nitpicking.
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the Cool Wall segment, Jeremy tries to guess what car people drive from the shoes they wear]
[Camera pans over to a pair of orange leather shoes]
Jeremy: OH MY GOD, WHAT KIND OF AN IDIOT— oh, hello James.
[A little later]
Jeremy: This year a motoring icon is celebrating its fortieth birthday.
James: Richard Hammond?
Jeremy: No, he's thirty eight. Same as he was last year, and the year before. Mind you, it's his birthday next week, isn't it?
James: Oh it is actually, then he'll be thirty eight.
Richard: Yes, alright, funny, funny.
Jeremy: Thirty eight year old Richard Hammond!
Richard: I am! Thank you, very much.
[Camera pans over to a pair of orange leather shoes]
Jeremy: OH MY GOD, WHAT KIND OF AN IDIOT— oh, hello James.
[A little later]
Jeremy: This year a motoring icon is celebrating its fortieth birthday.
James: Richard Hammond?
Jeremy: No, he's thirty eight. Same as he was last year, and the year before. Mind you, it's his birthday next week, isn't it?
James: Oh it is actually, then he'll be thirty eight.
Richard: Yes, alright, funny, funny.
Jeremy: Thirty eight year old Richard Hammond!
Richard: I am! Thank you, very much.
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence]
Richard: Tonight. Boris Johnson is the mayor in our Reasonably Priced Car. Jeremy attempts an old fashioned sensible road test of the new Ford Fiesta. And has communism ever produced a good car?
Richard: Tonight. Boris Johnson is the mayor in our Reasonably Priced Car. Jeremy attempts an old fashioned sensible road test of the new Ford Fiesta. And has communism ever produced a good car?
TV Show: Top Gear
[about The Stig]
Richard: Some say one of his legs get longer when he sees a pretty lady. And that I haven't done one of these for some time and I've forgotten to make up a second thing. All we know is he's called The Stig!
Richard: Some say one of his legs get longer when he sees a pretty lady. And that I haven't done one of these for some time and I've forgotten to make up a second thing. All we know is he's called The Stig!
TV Show: Top Gear
[At the start of the news]
James: And now the news. And it's great news, ladies and gentlemen! It's news to warm the hearts of nations: Jeremy Clarkson has lost his voice! [Audience cheers and applauds]
Richard: Mate, sorry. I know, imagine how we feel. They're gutted mate, they're gutted. But the good news is that means we can talk about whatever we like and say what we like.
[Jeremy pulls a sad face]
Richard: Yeah, yeah, whatever...
James: And now the news. And it's great news, ladies and gentlemen! It's news to warm the hearts of nations: Jeremy Clarkson has lost his voice! [Audience cheers and applauds]
Richard: Mate, sorry. I know, imagine how we feel. They're gutted mate, they're gutted. But the good news is that means we can talk about whatever we like and say what we like.
[Jeremy pulls a sad face]
Richard: Yeah, yeah, whatever...
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [Croakily] Can I just say...
Richard: Ooh, it speaks! Or sort of squeaks.
[Jeremy tries to speak but has trouble]
Richard: Ooh, that's just a noise. Are you deflating?
[Jeremy pulls out a bottle and sprays it in his mouth]
Richard: What's that? [Reading from the bottle] Synthetic saliva?
Jeremy: It means I just have a few minutes of speaking.
Richard: Oh, so you like - you need more saliva? Well ladies and gentlemen I have no doubt we can oblige with that! How do you know it's synthetic and it isn't just some bloke... [Imitates spitting into a bottle] Bottle it!
Jeremy: You can shut up for a kick off as well.
James: What?
Richard: What noise is that you're making?
Jeremy: [Pointing to May] Have you seen his eye? He's got the biggest eye infection I've ever seen. At least I don't look like a mutant.
Richard: Has it come to this?! I'm working with these two. This isn't a television program anymore; it's a colony!
Jeremy: I tell you what, instead of hurling abuse at each other, why [coughs] — excuse me — why don't we do the news?
Richard: Ooh, it speaks! Or sort of squeaks.
[Jeremy tries to speak but has trouble]
Richard: Ooh, that's just a noise. Are you deflating?
[Jeremy pulls out a bottle and sprays it in his mouth]
Richard: What's that? [Reading from the bottle] Synthetic saliva?
Jeremy: It means I just have a few minutes of speaking.
Richard: Oh, so you like - you need more saliva? Well ladies and gentlemen I have no doubt we can oblige with that! How do you know it's synthetic and it isn't just some bloke... [Imitates spitting into a bottle] Bottle it!
Jeremy: You can shut up for a kick off as well.
James: What?
Richard: What noise is that you're making?
Jeremy: [Pointing to May] Have you seen his eye? He's got the biggest eye infection I've ever seen. At least I don't look like a mutant.
Richard: Has it come to this?! I'm working with these two. This isn't a television program anymore; it's a colony!
Jeremy: I tell you what, instead of hurling abuse at each other, why [coughs] — excuse me — why don't we do the news?
TV Show: Top Gear
[later in the news]
James: Do you remember Chevrolet in the early Corvettes, they had a little dial that showed you how many revs the engine had done. From new.
Jeremy: Revs?
James: Revs, yeah.
Jeremy: What, going around at five thousand RPM, be going rrrrr...! It would have to be this... [holds out arms] be wider than the car just to get the dial in!
James: Well, I worked it out for my old Porsche, actually.
Jeremy: You what?
James: My old Porsche's twenty five years old — I worked out it had done 8.4 times ten to the eight (8.4x10^8 = 840 million) revs since...
Richard: You worked that out? For — your — car? You spent time — WOW! So you must actually have done everything there is to do in the whole world to get to the bottom of the list of everything a human being can do — what's it like on the top of Everest? Is it good?
James: It's alright.
Jeremy: Richard — I went to a dinner party the other day and I sat next to a girl who said she couldn't believe that James May was still single.
Richard: There's your answer!
James: Do you remember Chevrolet in the early Corvettes, they had a little dial that showed you how many revs the engine had done. From new.
Jeremy: Revs?
James: Revs, yeah.
Jeremy: What, going around at five thousand RPM, be going rrrrr...! It would have to be this... [holds out arms] be wider than the car just to get the dial in!
James: Well, I worked it out for my old Porsche, actually.
Jeremy: You what?
James: My old Porsche's twenty five years old — I worked out it had done 8.4 times ten to the eight (8.4x10^8 = 840 million) revs since...
Richard: You worked that out? For — your — car? You spent time — WOW! So you must actually have done everything there is to do in the whole world to get to the bottom of the list of everything a human being can do — what's it like on the top of Everest? Is it good?
James: It's alright.
Jeremy: Richard — I went to a dinner party the other day and I sat next to a girl who said she couldn't believe that James May was still single.
Richard: There's your answer!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [driving a Lada Riva] Let me give you an example of its terribleness. The rear brakes were made of aluminium, and they [the Russians] must have thought "Aha! You see, that's very advanced! The West hasn't thought of this!" There's a very good reason for that though. Aluminium has the same braking properties really as... cheese. [skids round a corner] Slow down, you bitch! God almighty.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Riva]
James: I thought so.
Jeremy: What?
James: A rev counter.
Jeremy: Yes?
James: You decadent capitalist pig. Ownership of a rev counter is theft.
Jeremy: Look at the colour. This is the colour of a prosthetic limb.
James: You've got wipers on your headlights!
Jeremy: They don't work.
James: That's not the point! It's aspirational!
James: I thought so.
Jeremy: What?
James: A rev counter.
Jeremy: Yes?
James: You decadent capitalist pig. Ownership of a rev counter is theft.
Jeremy: Look at the colour. This is the colour of a prosthetic limb.
James: You've got wipers on your headlights!
Jeremy: They don't work.
James: That's not the point! It's aspirational!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: It's cold, the track's too pockmarked, it's bumpy....now,I'll be driving the Morris Marxist and you shall be in the...what is it?
James: The Lenin 1.6 SLX.
Jeremy: Lovely. And the winner gets Berlin.
James: And the loser has to sacrifice his bath plug.
James: The Lenin 1.6 SLX.
Jeremy: Lovely. And the winner gets Berlin.
James: And the loser has to sacrifice his bath plug.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Oh dear. I seem to have accidentally killed James May there.
[beat]
Jeremy: Anyway...
[beat]
Jeremy: Anyway...
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: In Russia, you had to work hard in the car factories, or you'd suddenly discover how difficult it is to mine Siberian salt... while wearing a hat made from your wife's head.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the GAZ Chaika]
Jeremy: You know the KGB used these. Except theirs had more powerful engines, and they imported their fuel from Finland 'cause it didn't have twigs in it. You should see the amount of space back here [in the rear seat]. You could chop up 30 dissidents in the back of here!
Jeremy: You know the KGB used these. Except theirs had more powerful engines, and they imported their fuel from Finland 'cause it didn't have twigs in it. You should see the amount of space back here [in the rear seat]. You could chop up 30 dissidents in the back of here!
TV Show: Top Gear
[having trouble with the Chaika's pushbutton gear select]
James: Oh ----! It's disappeared into the bloody dashboard!
James: Oh ----! It's disappeared into the bloody dashboard!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [driving a Lada Niva] You know, I once drove one of these down a very heavily rutted track at fifty miles an hour and I was able to use the cigarette lighter — 'cause it was so smooth — to light a cigarette. It was that smooth. I'd actually quite like to demonstrate that for you now but unfortunately, we don't live in a free country!
TV Show: Top Gear
[driving the Niva]
James: Does this mean we've actually found a Communist car we like?
[the Niva's engine cuts out and Jeremy is unable to re-start it]
Jeremy: No!
James: Does this mean we've actually found a Communist car we like?
[the Niva's engine cuts out and Jeremy is unable to re-start it]
Jeremy: No!
TV Show: Top Gear
[Introducing Jeremy's road test of the Ford Fiesta]
Richard: Now - every week on Top Gear we get a stack of letters. But this week one in particular caught our eye. It's from a Mister Needham and it says "Why do you not test cars properly any more? Have you forgotten how?".
James: Now this really hurt us, so we decided to take the new Ford Fiesta and do a proper road test. Like they used to on Top Gear in the old days.
Richard: Yeah, to be honest we were quite looking forward to it. But then at the very last minute, Jeremy came in and said he wanted to do it.
Richard: Now - every week on Top Gear we get a stack of letters. But this week one in particular caught our eye. It's from a Mister Needham and it says "Why do you not test cars properly any more? Have you forgotten how?".
James: Now this really hurt us, so we decided to take the new Ford Fiesta and do a proper road test. Like they used to on Top Gear in the old days.
Richard: Yeah, to be honest we were quite looking forward to it. But then at the very last minute, Jeremy came in and said he wanted to do it.
TV Show: Top Gear
[referring to a diesel version of the Fiesta]
Jeremy: I wouldn't bother with that particular model though because it'll almost certainly be shi-
Jeremy: I wouldn't bother with that particular model though because it'll almost certainly be shi-
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [deadpan] Certainly will easily do 70 mph which is what I'm doing now, and that's the maximum speed you can go in Britain, so that's good... is this thorough enough for you, Mr. Needham?
TV Show: Top Gear
[discussing the entry-level model]
Jeremy: Do you want that one, though? Really? Honestly? A basic model? Because I bet that's also shi-
Jeremy: Do you want that one, though? Really? Honestly? A basic model? Because I bet that's also shi-
TV Show: Top Gear
FAQ about Fiesta: What if I go to a shopping centre and get chased by baddies in a Corvette?
[There follows a sequence of Clarkson in the Fiesta being chased through the interior of a shopping mall and its parking structure by a Corvette]
[There follows a sequence of Clarkson in the Fiesta being chased through the interior of a shopping mall and its parking structure by a Corvette]
TV Show: Top Gear