Top Gear Quotes
[Michael Schumacher as the Stig is driving the Reasonably Priced Car very badly]
Jeremy: Here he is, final corner... [the car doesn't turn up] ...Michael Schumacher is lost, everybody!!!
Jeremy: Here he is, final corner... [the car doesn't turn up] ...Michael Schumacher is lost, everybody!!!
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight. We throw a chair over a hedge. A Quite Interesting man drives our reasonably priced car. And for the first time ever the Bugatti Veyron races a McLaren F1.
Jeremy: Tonight. We throw a chair over a hedge. A Quite Interesting man drives our reasonably priced car. And for the first time ever the Bugatti Veyron races a McLaren F1.
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the challenge, inside the Top Gear office, talking to insurance sales people]
Richard: No, no accidents in the last five years. [immediately looks at the camera]
Richard: No, no accidents in the last five years. [immediately looks at the camera]
TV Show: Top Gear
[Also talking to insurance sales people]
Jeremy: But that's 15 times the price of the car! What you're saying is, I'm going to completely write-off the car 15 times a year.
Jeremy: But that's 15 times the price of the car! What you're saying is, I'm going to completely write-off the car 15 times a year.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Well there's a Top Gear top tip right there. If you're a 17 year old boy and need car insurance, slice your penis off.
Richard: I would've done.
James: I did. [Richard and Jeremy laugh out loudly]
James: Yup. I nearly did.
Richard: I would've done.
James: I did. [Richard and Jeremy laugh out loudly]
James: Yup. I nearly did.
TV Show: Top Gear
[After Richard and James arrive at the school with their used cars]
Richard: [Narrating] And then, a geography teacher arrived.
[The "geography teacher" is, in fact, Jeremy, who is driving a beige Volvo 940 estate]
James: God above, I thought that was one of the teachers!
Richard: [Laughing as Jeremy gets out of his car] I'm sorry, I'm 17, "Happy birthday, son!" [Richard fakes crying for a moment]
Jeremy: [Completely serious] Perfect car for any 17-year-old.
Richard: Why?
Jeremy: Why?
Richard: Yes!
Jeremy: My turbo!
Richard: It is a low-pressure turbo.
Jeremy: [To James] What have you got?
James: I've got a Golf.
Jeremy: Has it got a turbo?
James: No.
Richard: [Talking about his own car] They did do a turbo--
Jeremy: What is that?
Richard: That's a Hyundai S-coupé, and they did do a turbo.
James: Not on this one.
Richard: No, not on this particular one.
Jeremy: So you turn up, at the school, here's my turbo. There's another very important issue that we must address: The most precious thing in your life, your child, speaking as a parent, is sitting in that seat, yes?
Richard and James: Yes.
Jeremy: [Indicating the hood] Look at the amount of metal between him and the tree he will inevitably hit!
Richard: [Narrating] And then, a geography teacher arrived.
[The "geography teacher" is, in fact, Jeremy, who is driving a beige Volvo 940 estate]
James: God above, I thought that was one of the teachers!
Richard: [Laughing as Jeremy gets out of his car] I'm sorry, I'm 17, "Happy birthday, son!" [Richard fakes crying for a moment]
Jeremy: [Completely serious] Perfect car for any 17-year-old.
Richard: Why?
Jeremy: Why?
Richard: Yes!
Jeremy: My turbo!
Richard: It is a low-pressure turbo.
Jeremy: [To James] What have you got?
James: I've got a Golf.
Jeremy: Has it got a turbo?
James: No.
Richard: [Talking about his own car] They did do a turbo--
Jeremy: What is that?
Richard: That's a Hyundai S-coupé, and they did do a turbo.
James: Not on this one.
Richard: No, not on this particular one.
Jeremy: So you turn up, at the school, here's my turbo. There's another very important issue that we must address: The most precious thing in your life, your child, speaking as a parent, is sitting in that seat, yes?
Richard and James: Yes.
Jeremy: [Indicating the hood] Look at the amount of metal between him and the tree he will inevitably hit!
TV Show: Top Gear
James: [Reading from the first challenge card] You must now imagine that you are 17...
Jeremy: Yes.
James: ...and modify your cars accordingly, in order to do what any 17-year-old boy wants to do: attract girls!
Richard: [Laughing at Jeremy] You've had it! Well look at your beige Volvo!
Jeremy: Just--get on...
James: [Continuing] Your budget is whatever you have left from your original £2,500.
Jeremy: [To James] So how much have you got?
James: 300 quid.
Jeremy: [To Richard] You?
Richard: 500 quid! You?
Jeremy: ...naught.
Jeremy: Yes.
James: ...and modify your cars accordingly, in order to do what any 17-year-old boy wants to do: attract girls!
Richard: [Laughing at Jeremy] You've had it! Well look at your beige Volvo!
Jeremy: Just--get on...
James: [Continuing] Your budget is whatever you have left from your original £2,500.
Jeremy: [To James] So how much have you got?
James: 300 quid.
Jeremy: [To Richard] You?
Richard: 500 quid! You?
Jeremy: ...naught.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Jeremy is slipping badly on the slope while trying to escape the clutches of the Glastonbury car park.]
Jeremy: [as if in a crisis] OH, P-L-E-A-S-E!! PLEASE DON'T DO THIS TO ME!!!
Jeremy: [as if in a crisis] OH, P-L-E-A-S-E!! PLEASE DON'T DO THIS TO ME!!!
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the news, about the car insurance]
Richard: Can I just point out before we do move on, if you do decide to put yourself on your parents' insurance, and you have a crash, and the insurance company find out that it was really your car...
Jeremy: Which they will if it's got a body kit on it. Or even half a body kit. [part of Hammond's body kit had fallen off in an earlier challenge]
Richard: Alright, whatever. The point is, if the insurance company find out that it really was your car after all, they won't pay out. And then they can prosecute you, and then you might have to go to jail. And then one day you'll be in the showers and a big, strange man will come and-
Jeremy: [interrupting] Oookayy! Okay...
Richard: Can I just point out before we do move on, if you do decide to put yourself on your parents' insurance, and you have a crash, and the insurance company find out that it was really your car...
Jeremy: Which they will if it's got a body kit on it. Or even half a body kit. [part of Hammond's body kit had fallen off in an earlier challenge]
Richard: Alright, whatever. The point is, if the insurance company find out that it really was your car after all, they won't pay out. And then they can prosecute you, and then you might have to go to jail. And then one day you'll be in the showers and a big, strange man will come and-
Jeremy: [interrupting] Oookayy! Okay...
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the news, while commenting on the cheap car challenge]
James: I thought the best noise that ever came out of a car was the one coming out of the stereo of my seventeen-year-old Golf until you two touched it inappropriately.
James: I thought the best noise that ever came out of a car was the one coming out of the stereo of my seventeen-year-old Golf until you two touched it inappropriately.
TV Show: Top Gear
[commenting on the furore over North Korea's nuclear tests]
James: Why would the Koreans nuke Hammersmith?
Jeremy: They used American guidance systems?
James: Why would the Koreans nuke Hammersmith?
Jeremy: They used American guidance systems?
TV Show: Top Gear
[Jeremy has just remembered about the Ferrari FXX lap, and has bad news.]
Jeremy: Last week, a man came here, claiming to be the Stig. Maybe he is, we don't know. Okay? Maybe he is, but what we do know is he set a time of one minute, ten seconds in a Ferrari FXX round our track, top of our leaderboard. We subsequently discovered he was doing that on slick tyres. Now we have rules on this powerboard here, okay—you can't use slicks, so this time is coming off.
[Crowd boos as the time comes off.]
Jeremy: [indignantly] Oh, boo?!! [Crowd laughs] This is a dictatorship! You want to live in a democracy, go to Iran!
Jeremy: Last week, a man came here, claiming to be the Stig. Maybe he is, we don't know. Okay? Maybe he is, but what we do know is he set a time of one minute, ten seconds in a Ferrari FXX round our track, top of our leaderboard. We subsequently discovered he was doing that on slick tyres. Now we have rules on this powerboard here, okay—you can't use slicks, so this time is coming off.
[Crowd boos as the time comes off.]
Jeremy: [indignantly] Oh, boo?!! [Crowd laughs] This is a dictatorship! You want to live in a democracy, go to Iran!
TV Show: Top Gear
[Richard has parked his car noiselessly and safely, and now it is Jeremy's turn. All is rather quiet until...]
Jeremy: [in a frustrated yell] OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!
Jeremy: [in a frustrated yell] OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!
TV Show: Top Gear
[James has sent the supermarket trolleys flying with his handbrake turn, but the teenage girls are paying no attention.]
Richard: They're hot for James May right now!
[Jeremy laughs loudly.]
James: I might as well have cut my penis off for all the good that did.
Richard: They're hot for James May right now!
[Jeremy laughs loudly.]
James: I might as well have cut my penis off for all the good that did.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Richard has crashed his car. Jeremy runs over to it and opens the door.]
Jeremy: You alright?
[After hearing no answer from Richard, he closes the door again.]
Jeremy: [mournfully] Dead.
James: Really?
Jeremy: Yeah... [sniffs] Yeah. Anyway, er...
James: Back to the studio.
Jeremy: [indignantly] That's my line!
[Later, in the studio...]
Richard: [gently] Luckily, children, I got better; you may not be so lucky.
James: [also gently] Yes, it's like my penis: that grew back. Yours might not.
Jeremy: You alright?
[After hearing no answer from Richard, he closes the door again.]
Jeremy: [mournfully] Dead.
James: Really?
Jeremy: Yeah... [sniffs] Yeah. Anyway, er...
James: Back to the studio.
Jeremy: [indignantly] That's my line!
[Later, in the studio...]
Richard: [gently] Luckily, children, I got better; you may not be so lucky.
James: [also gently] Yes, it's like my penis: that grew back. Yours might not.
TV Show: Top Gear
[An irate Jeremy is trying to stop the windscreen wiper while in the studio.]
Richard: This is consumer advice as well, so...
Jeremy: [frustrated] SHUT UUUUUP!
Richard: This is consumer advice as well, so...
Jeremy: [frustrated] SHUT UUUUUP!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Well of course, what we have proved there is that the Bugatti Veyron, which we know to be the fastest car in the world, is faster than another kind of car.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Tonight. We shout at the government. A man drives a Subaru through a building. And a dog goes in a car.
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: And now we must do the news, and starting off with Citroën, they've made a new C3, here it is, and... well, it's a Citroën, it looks like that, but the most important thing about it is, for this car, they've invented a new word.
Jeremy: Word?
Richard: They've actually, they've put it in their publicity material for it, and it's, it's "visiodrive". They confess they've made that up, it's a whole... new word! Visio... drive.
Jeremy: I'm sort of sympathetic.
Richard: Why?
Jeremy: Because none of the words you would normally use to describe a Citroën would work very well in their own publicity blurb, would they? Like... "flimsy".
Jeremy: Word?
Richard: They've actually, they've put it in their publicity material for it, and it's, it's "visiodrive". They confess they've made that up, it's a whole... new word! Visio... drive.
Jeremy: I'm sort of sympathetic.
Richard: Why?
Jeremy: Because none of the words you would normally use to describe a Citroën would work very well in their own publicity blurb, would they? Like... "flimsy".
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: Earlier on, we built an electric car called Geoff, and he was... a disaster. And I'm not one to apportion blame, but it was entirely James's fault.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Trying to fit a very large "dead body" in the back of a car]
Jeremy: This was hopeless. So rather embarrassingly, we had to ask the man we'd murdered to give us a hand.
[Man stands up, climbs in]
Jeremy: This was hopeless. So rather embarrassingly, we had to ask the man we'd murdered to give us a hand.
[Man stands up, climbs in]
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: You know when you drive behind the gritting machine and say "It's turning my car into a DeLorean!
TV Show: Top Gear
[during the news]
Jeremy: As men, we all know that you should never, ever buy a woman something with a plug on it. Yeah? We know that.
James: I did.
Jeremy: What?
James: I did.
Jeremy: You bought your girlfriend an electrical appliance.
James: Yeah, I got her a power drill.
Richard: James! James, she's a ballet correspondent.
James: Well, that's what she wanted! She said "I want that power drill," so I got it for her!
Jeremy: No, she said that, James, but - do you know nothing? Women say they want a power drill, but they don't, they want soap. Women always - they do!
James: Yeah, but it's impossible to buy soap for a woman.
Richard: Eh? No, hang on, soap's soap. You can't -
Jeremy: Oho!
James: Hah!
Jeremy: Whoa ho! Did you hear that, girls? "Soap is soap."
Richard: Well, it is! It's just -
Jeremy: Go on, then, buy your wife some Swarfega.
Richard: Well, that's great! That's an effective cleaning agent! She'd be chuffed, I'm sure!
Jeremy: However. The worst thing you would ever have to buy, ever have to buy a girl is a handbag.
Richard: That's pretty bad.
Jeremy: Because, even if by some miracle you got the right colour, it would be the wrong shape, it wouldn't have the right number of pockets, it would be last season's handbag-
James: Is there a season for handbags?
[laughter]
Jeremy: Did you hear? Is...oh yes!
James: What, there's certain times of the year I can shoot handbags and it's okay?
Richard: Yep.
[more laughter]
Jeremy: No, the fact is, okay, my wife has a handbag; I kid you not, it is this big. [holds up paper cup] And in it, she'll
Jeremy: As men, we all know that you should never, ever buy a woman something with a plug on it. Yeah? We know that.
James: I did.
Jeremy: What?
James: I did.
Jeremy: You bought your girlfriend an electrical appliance.
James: Yeah, I got her a power drill.
Richard: James! James, she's a ballet correspondent.
James: Well, that's what she wanted! She said "I want that power drill," so I got it for her!
Jeremy: No, she said that, James, but - do you know nothing? Women say they want a power drill, but they don't, they want soap. Women always - they do!
James: Yeah, but it's impossible to buy soap for a woman.
Richard: Eh? No, hang on, soap's soap. You can't -
Jeremy: Oho!
James: Hah!
Jeremy: Whoa ho! Did you hear that, girls? "Soap is soap."
Richard: Well, it is! It's just -
Jeremy: Go on, then, buy your wife some Swarfega.
Richard: Well, that's great! That's an effective cleaning agent! She'd be chuffed, I'm sure!
Jeremy: However. The worst thing you would ever have to buy, ever have to buy a girl is a handbag.
Richard: That's pretty bad.
Jeremy: Because, even if by some miracle you got the right colour, it would be the wrong shape, it wouldn't have the right number of pockets, it would be last season's handbag-
James: Is there a season for handbags?
[laughter]
Jeremy: Did you hear? Is...oh yes!
James: What, there's certain times of the year I can shoot handbags and it's okay?
Richard: Yep.
[more laughter]
Jeremy: No, the fact is, okay, my wife has a handbag; I kid you not, it is this big. [holds up paper cup] And in it, she'll
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the car sauna clip]
Richard: Given that we are made of ... what percentage of us is water?
Jeremy: 98%.
James: Or less.
Richard: Water that evaporates. So what we are breathing is each other's...
Jeremy: [While Richard is pretending to retch] You're breathing my chest.
Richard: Given that we are made of ... what percentage of us is water?
Jeremy: 98%.
James: Or less.
Richard: Water that evaporates. So what we are breathing is each other's...
Jeremy: [While Richard is pretending to retch] You're breathing my chest.
TV Show: Top Gear
[After showing the car sauna clip]
Jeremy: Gordon, if you're watching, and you're probably not, if you go to set these ridiculous, er, heatwave level alerts...what was it we got up to?
James and Richard: Sixty-two.
Jeremy: [continuing his speech] ...Sixty-two degrees is your bottom.
Richard: Yeah, it gets a bit toasty...
Jeremy: A bit uncomfortable.
Richard: How about that?
Jeremy: Yeah.
James: Actually, Gordon, there's something else I've discovered in that test, if you're watching. And that is... I know when I'm too hot.
Jeremy: I don't need the Government to tell me to have a drink of water and put suncream on. Leave - us - alone!
Jeremy: Gordon, if you're watching, and you're probably not, if you go to set these ridiculous, er, heatwave level alerts...what was it we got up to?
James and Richard: Sixty-two.
Jeremy: [continuing his speech] ...Sixty-two degrees is your bottom.
Richard: Yeah, it gets a bit toasty...
Jeremy: A bit uncomfortable.
Richard: How about that?
Jeremy: Yeah.
James: Actually, Gordon, there's something else I've discovered in that test, if you're watching. And that is... I know when I'm too hot.
Jeremy: I don't need the Government to tell me to have a drink of water and put suncream on. Leave - us - alone!
TV Show: Top Gear
[During Star In A Reasonably Priced Car]
Michael McIntyre: The only way you could feel better about having such a terrible car is you would occasionally try and overtake nicer cars on the motorway. It's quite a manly moment. You're sitting there, chugging along at 60; you're quite comfortable. You'll see a Porsche in the middle lane, I'd say to my wife, "You see that Porsche?" She'd say, "Yes, what of it?" "I'm having it." She's like, "The Princess couldn't overtake that Porsche, it's a 1.0!" "I can do this!" You pull into the middle lane, you start to get excited, then you get into the fast lane. When you're in the fast lane in a terrible car, you immediately know you don't belong. Big Range Rovers right up behind you flashing, "Retreat to the loser lane, where you belong!" There are horses in the slow lane going, "I've gotta see this. What's going on?" I think the top speed was about 76. You put your foot down and the whole car would shake uncontrollably. It takes somewhere between 40 to 45 minutes to pull alongside the Porsche. My wife's going, [While shaking his head] "I told you!" And you always have to look over, when you're overtaking, to see your victim. [While shaking his head] "Who are you Porsche driver?"
Michael McIntyre: The only way you could feel better about having such a terrible car is you would occasionally try and overtake nicer cars on the motorway. It's quite a manly moment. You're sitting there, chugging along at 60; you're quite comfortable. You'll see a Porsche in the middle lane, I'd say to my wife, "You see that Porsche?" She'd say, "Yes, what of it?" "I'm having it." She's like, "The Princess couldn't overtake that Porsche, it's a 1.0!" "I can do this!" You pull into the middle lane, you start to get excited, then you get into the fast lane. When you're in the fast lane in a terrible car, you immediately know you don't belong. Big Range Rovers right up behind you flashing, "Retreat to the loser lane, where you belong!" There are horses in the slow lane going, "I've gotta see this. What's going on?" I think the top speed was about 76. You put your foot down and the whole car would shake uncontrollably. It takes somewhere between 40 to 45 minutes to pull alongside the Porsche. My wife's going, [While shaking his head] "I told you!" And you always have to look over, when you're overtaking, to see your victim. [While shaking his head] "Who are you Porsche driver?"
TV Show: Top Gear
[After James has done a lap with a St Bernard dog in the car]
Jeremy: Oh, that is a miserable-looking dog.
Richard: Aww! It's making me sad just looking at him!
James: [indignantly] That's his normal face!
Jeremy: That's the saddest-looking spectacle I've ever seen, and it's your fault. If you're from the RSPCA, write to us at 'James May is a Bastard, BBC Top Gear, London'.
Jeremy: Oh, that is a miserable-looking dog.
Richard: Aww! It's making me sad just looking at him!
James: [indignantly] That's his normal face!
Jeremy: That's the saddest-looking spectacle I've ever seen, and it's your fault. If you're from the RSPCA, write to us at 'James May is a Bastard, BBC Top Gear, London'.
TV Show: Top Gear
[the presenters, in their small cars, are driving through Parliament Square protesting through loudspeakers]
Jeremy: What do we want?!
James and Richard: ASTON MARTINS!
Jeremy: When do we want them?!
James and Richard: NOW!
Jeremy: What do we want?!
James and Richard: ASTON MARTINS!
Jeremy: When do we want them?!
James and Richard: NOW!
TV Show: Top Gear