Top Gear Quotes
[Jeremy, James and Richard are testing the smoothness and quietness of their cars. Things are uncannily silent, until.......]
Jeremy: [over radio] This may only have a three-cylinder diesel engine, but it's so quiet in here I can hear my hair growing!
Jeremy: [over radio] This may only have a three-cylinder diesel engine, but it's so quiet in here I can hear my hair growing!
TV Show: Top Gear
[Jeremy, James and Richard are testing the speed of their cars with a drag race. Jeremy's Škoda Roomster pulls alongside James' Toyota iQ.]
Jeremy: Got James!
[James' Toyota accelerates ahead of Jeremy.]
Jeremy: [with the same tone as before] Lost James!
Jeremy: Got James!
[James' Toyota accelerates ahead of Jeremy.]
Jeremy: [with the same tone as before] Lost James!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Tonight. The fastest man in the world on our track. The slowest man in the world falls asleep. And we literally set fire to Dorset with a machine gun.
TV Show: Top Gear
[On the powerful, front wheel drive, Ford Focus RS]
Jeremy: Asking the front wheels of a car to do their normal job of steering while handling, let's say, more than 170 brake horsepower is like asking a man to wire a plug while juggling. Penguins. While making love. To a beautiful woman, while on fire, on stage, in front of the Queen. It's all going to go wrong.
[On cornering]
Jeremy: Eventually, you will slide wide. But only after your face has come off.
Jeremy: Asking the front wheels of a car to do their normal job of steering while handling, let's say, more than 170 brake horsepower is like asking a man to wire a plug while juggling. Penguins. While making love. To a beautiful woman, while on fire, on stage, in front of the Queen. It's all going to go wrong.
[On cornering]
Jeremy: Eventually, you will slide wide. But only after your face has come off.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Jeremy, James and Richard are talking about the new Lamborghini Gallardo Balboni]
James: I like that stripe so much I'd be prepared to buy the whole car just to get it.
Jeremy: Just for the stripe. Can I just offer one word of warning to anyone who's thinking of buying a Gallardo? James, for you, okay? Have you seen this?
[A picture of a Gallardo on fire appears on the screen]
Richard: That's...that's a burning Gallardo.
Jeremy: Yeah; have you seen this?
[Another picture of a Gallardo on fire appears...]
Richard: That's a burning Gallardo.
Jeremy: Yeah, I know; have you seen this?
[...and another...]
Richard: That's a burning Gallardo.
Jeremy: I know, but have you seen this?
[...and another...]
Richard: That's a burning Gallardo.
Jeremy: What about this?
[...and another...]
Richard: Er, burning Gallardo.
Jeremy: What about this?
[...and one of a Gallardo that's almost totally destroyed by the fire]
Richard: [laughing] That'd be a burning Gallardo! That's ridiculous!
James: So I go into the dealer and I say "I'd like a Lamborghini, can I have one that's not on fire?"
Jeremy: Thing is, though, I have to say, this is what makes driving a Lamborghini so exciting; you drive in a normal car, and it's not on fire.
James: I like that stripe so much I'd be prepared to buy the whole car just to get it.
Jeremy: Just for the stripe. Can I just offer one word of warning to anyone who's thinking of buying a Gallardo? James, for you, okay? Have you seen this?
[A picture of a Gallardo on fire appears on the screen]
Richard: That's...that's a burning Gallardo.
Jeremy: Yeah; have you seen this?
[Another picture of a Gallardo on fire appears...]
Richard: That's a burning Gallardo.
Jeremy: Yeah, I know; have you seen this?
[...and another...]
Richard: That's a burning Gallardo.
Jeremy: I know, but have you seen this?
[...and another...]
Richard: That's a burning Gallardo.
Jeremy: What about this?
[...and another...]
Richard: Er, burning Gallardo.
Jeremy: What about this?
[...and one of a Gallardo that's almost totally destroyed by the fire]
Richard: [laughing] That'd be a burning Gallardo! That's ridiculous!
James: So I go into the dealer and I say "I'd like a Lamborghini, can I have one that's not on fire?"
Jeremy: Thing is, though, I have to say, this is what makes driving a Lamborghini so exciting; you drive in a normal car, and it's not on fire.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: How many children said, "Dad, can we please go to the Goodwood Festival of Speed 'cause I really wanna see a zero-emission Renault van"?
Richard: Yes, how many of those kids went back to school the next day, "Did you see the chrome-plated Bugatti?" "No, but I saw a Renault van with green windows! Yeah!"
Richard: Yes, how many of those kids went back to school the next day, "Did you see the chrome-plated Bugatti?" "No, but I saw a Renault van with green windows! Yeah!"
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Tonight. We save the entire world. We test a fat spaniel from Jaguar. And we annoy France's second best racing driver.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say, he has twelve GCSEs, all in Domestic Science. And that he has been producing artificial sperm for years. Even though we have repeatedly asked him not to. All we know is, he's called The Stig.
Jeremy: Some say, he has twelve GCSEs, all in Domestic Science. And that he has been producing artificial sperm for years. Even though we have repeatedly asked him not to. All we know is, he's called The Stig.
TV Show: Top Gear
Richard: [on the Morris Marina that James is driving] I'll guarantee that nothing exciting, vibrant, dynamic, new, creative, hopeful or beneficial in any way to humanity has ever been done, thought of or driven to in that drab, dreary, entirely beige, wilfully awful pile of misery.
James: Oh come on its not that bad... it's well equipped. Course it isn't well equipped really - its got one dial. But its tastefully upholstered. Of course it isn't tastefully upholstered really - it's brown. But the seats are velour and look how nicely it's worn!
James: Oh come on its not that bad... it's well equipped. Course it isn't well equipped really - its got one dial. But its tastefully upholstered. Of course it isn't tastefully upholstered really - it's brown. But the seats are velour and look how nicely it's worn!
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the discussion on the new Jaguar XJ]
James: Come on! Nobody gives a pig’s arse about all that diesel stuff. (Crowd Laughs) It’s the new XJ; the important question is “Is it a proper Jag?”
Jeremy: Now what you mean is “Is this car slightly caddish?” Is that what you actually mean?
James: (nods) Yes.
Jeremy: Is the person who drives it a bit... um, what’s the word? Im not quite sure how to sum it up, but it’s the sort of person who goes away for a weekend with his wife to a hotel, to some romantic place, and spends the entire night... flirting outrageusly with the waitress. And it’s okay because he’s got a “Jaaaaag.”
(Everyone laughs)
Richard: That’s the Jag driver; he’d get away with anything! (Changes tone) I’m terribly sorry, I ran over your dog. (Whimpers) ...in my “Jaaaaag.”
(Crowd laughs)
James: Is it fair to say? Do you think that no “Jaaaaag” driver is ever entirely trustworthy, but it’s in a really nice likeable way?
Jeremy: Yes! If you would go to a prison, forget the sort of "stabbists", and you know the stranglers. The ones who are in there for a bit of Tax Dodging...
(Richard Laughs)
James: Yup.
Jeremy: I bet eighty percent have got “Jaaaaags.” (Crowd laughs) You know what I mean now?
(Turns to someone in the audience)
Jeremy: You got a jag? Who here’s got a jag? (Stands up then points at someone who responded) You got a Jag? Look at him!
(Audience laughs)
Richard: Yup, he’s a Jag driver.
Jeremy: He goes away with a girl for a weekend, and then goes... “Awfully sorry...”
Richard: ... bit of an issue with the wallet.
Jeremy: “Would you mind lawfully selling this while I go warm up the “Jaaaaag?”
James: Come on! Nobody gives a pig’s arse about all that diesel stuff. (Crowd Laughs) It’s the new XJ; the important question is “Is it a proper Jag?”
Jeremy: Now what you mean is “Is this car slightly caddish?” Is that what you actually mean?
James: (nods) Yes.
Jeremy: Is the person who drives it a bit... um, what’s the word? Im not quite sure how to sum it up, but it’s the sort of person who goes away for a weekend with his wife to a hotel, to some romantic place, and spends the entire night... flirting outrageusly with the waitress. And it’s okay because he’s got a “Jaaaaag.”
(Everyone laughs)
Richard: That’s the Jag driver; he’d get away with anything! (Changes tone) I’m terribly sorry, I ran over your dog. (Whimpers) ...in my “Jaaaaag.”
(Crowd laughs)
James: Is it fair to say? Do you think that no “Jaaaaag” driver is ever entirely trustworthy, but it’s in a really nice likeable way?
Jeremy: Yes! If you would go to a prison, forget the sort of "stabbists", and you know the stranglers. The ones who are in there for a bit of Tax Dodging...
(Richard Laughs)
James: Yup.
Jeremy: I bet eighty percent have got “Jaaaaags.” (Crowd laughs) You know what I mean now?
(Turns to someone in the audience)
Jeremy: You got a jag? Who here’s got a jag? (Stands up then points at someone who responded) You got a Jag? Look at him!
(Audience laughs)
Richard: Yup, he’s a Jag driver.
Jeremy: He goes away with a girl for a weekend, and then goes... “Awfully sorry...”
Richard: ... bit of an issue with the wallet.
Jeremy: “Would you mind lawfully selling this while I go warm up the “Jaaaaag?”
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the discussion on the Honda FR-V]
James: That's, actually, that's not the worst bit about those, those six-seater cars, because it could be worse if you had your wife in the front, and both daughters, and you sat in the back.
Jeremy: [sympathetically] Ohh.
James: No, but you do see that occasionally. You see the mother in the front, and then, and then there's a bloke sitting in the back seat.
Richard: On his own.
Jeremy: It's tragic.
James: There's nothing more pitiable.
Richard: Pathetic.
Jeremy: It's the most pitiable sight you can see.
James: She's effectively saying, "You've given me the baby, now get in the back."
Richard: [nodding] Yeah.
Jeremy: [stares at James for a moment, then bursts out laughing]
James: ... No.
Jeremy: Uh, that... concludes the news, OK? [looks at James and bursts out laughing again, this time taking Richard with him]
James: That's, actually, that's not the worst bit about those, those six-seater cars, because it could be worse if you had your wife in the front, and both daughters, and you sat in the back.
Jeremy: [sympathetically] Ohh.
James: No, but you do see that occasionally. You see the mother in the front, and then, and then there's a bloke sitting in the back seat.
Richard: On his own.
Jeremy: It's tragic.
James: There's nothing more pitiable.
Richard: Pathetic.
Jeremy: It's the most pitiable sight you can see.
James: She's effectively saying, "You've given me the baby, now get in the back."
Richard: [nodding] Yeah.
Jeremy: [stares at James for a moment, then bursts out laughing]
James: ... No.
Jeremy: Uh, that... concludes the news, OK? [looks at James and bursts out laughing again, this time taking Richard with him]
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: We have had some problems with the Morris Marina Owners' Club—
Richard: Problems!? They've declared a fatwa on us!
Richard: Problems!? They've declared a fatwa on us!
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the Val Thorens race, Jeremy's windscreen has been coated with snow...]
Jeremy: [panicking] I CAN'T SEE A BLOODY THING!! [accidentally pulls off glove while steering] AAGH, pulled my own glove off!
Jeremy: [panicking] I CAN'T SEE A BLOODY THING!! [accidentally pulls off glove while steering] AAGH, pulled my own glove off!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Ten minutes later, we roared into the first corner [Jeremy, James and Richard creep slowly into view]
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: [almost crashing into James May's Marina at the Val Thorens race] DON'T HIT HIM!! Morris extremists will come if I hit him!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Tonight! I wear some goggles. Richard falls down a small slope. And James says "Hello" to a man!
TV Show: Top Gear
[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say, that on Thursdays he becomes incredibly bulbous. And that recently pigs in Mexico started to die of something called "Stig flu". All we know is, he's highly contagious!
Jeremy: Some say, that on Thursdays he becomes incredibly bulbous. And that recently pigs in Mexico started to die of something called "Stig flu". All we know is, he's highly contagious!
TV Show: Top Gear
[Driving the new Z4]
Jeremy: Getting into the old Z4 after a long day, was like coming home after a long day's work and flopping down onto a sofa made entirely out of Chuck Norris.
Jeremy: Getting into the old Z4 after a long day, was like coming home after a long day's work and flopping down onto a sofa made entirely out of Chuck Norris.
TV Show: Top Gear
[About Morris Marina Owners' Club]
Richard: Last week a piano was accidentally dropped on a Morris Marina as we were filming it.
Jeremy: Last time this happened the Morris Marina Owners' Club, which is like the provisional wing of the "Morris Men", is absolutely furious.
James: Actually, there's been a lot of activity on a Morris chatroom: "I'm going to send an e-mail to the BBC and I don't care if they don't read it."
Jeremy: Now, that's what they said last time, okay. This time - getting worse. They say they're gonna get physical. I'm quoting now, one of them says (and I'm not making this up): "If I see Jeremy Clarkson in the street, I will poo into my hand and throw it at him."
[Audience laughs]
Richard: [incredulous] What, they'll poo into their own hand?! That's a stupid way of getting someone! That's like an assassin lining up on the target and then shooting them through his own head! Bang!
Richard: Last week a piano was accidentally dropped on a Morris Marina as we were filming it.
Jeremy: Last time this happened the Morris Marina Owners' Club, which is like the provisional wing of the "Morris Men", is absolutely furious.
James: Actually, there's been a lot of activity on a Morris chatroom: "I'm going to send an e-mail to the BBC and I don't care if they don't read it."
Jeremy: Now, that's what they said last time, okay. This time - getting worse. They say they're gonna get physical. I'm quoting now, one of them says (and I'm not making this up): "If I see Jeremy Clarkson in the street, I will poo into my hand and throw it at him."
[Audience laughs]
Richard: [incredulous] What, they'll poo into their own hand?! That's a stupid way of getting someone! That's like an assassin lining up on the target and then shooting them through his own head! Bang!
TV Show: Top Gear
[Carla Bruni's song about Marina]
Carla: My heart is sore
My Marina is no more
It was the 1.8
With the optional rear armrest
And now those Top Gear wazzocks
Have dropped a piano on its roof
I hate James May
And the other two
But mainly James May
I want my Morris back
[cuts to James May laughing]
Carla: My heart is sore
My Marina is no more
It was the 1.8
With the optional rear armrest
And now those Top Gear wazzocks
Have dropped a piano on its roof
I hate James May
And the other two
But mainly James May
I want my Morris back
[cuts to James May laughing]
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Tonight, Richard has a crisis. Some sheep on our track. And James and I go to the lavatory.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Yes, and welcome to the final show in the series.. [Crowd shows disappointment and sighs] Sad.
TV Show: Top Gear
[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say, that he cut that man's hair [pointing at the man in audience].
Jeremy: Some say, that he cut that man's hair [pointing at the man in audience].
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Now, eh as I'm sure you know, we don't often do consumer advice on this show, but tonight, we are. Because you see, if you were in a market, for large, fast, spacious, executive saloon cars, you'd imagine, that you'll be spoiled for choice. Me too. However, Richard Hammond, who is quite mad, has decided that every single one of them has a fatal flaw.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Richard Hammond explaining the name of the Vauxhall VXR8 Bathurst]
Richard: This car is australian, and the Bathurst is Australia's most famous race. Basically, it's a place where Holden- and Ford-fans go to have a massive fistfight, and then in the interval, when the paramedics go in, sometimes a car race breaks out.
Richard: This car is australian, and the Bathurst is Australia's most famous race. Basically, it's a place where Holden- and Ford-fans go to have a massive fistfight, and then in the interval, when the paramedics go in, sometimes a car race breaks out.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Richard Hammond commenting on the VXR8 Bathurst
Richard: I'm sorry, if this car doesn't move you, that is your problem, not the car's. Just the fact!
Richard: I'm sorry, if this car doesn't move you, that is your problem, not the car's. Just the fact!
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the News, about forbidding people not interested in cars to drive]
Richard: If you haven't got the interest, you can't do it...you shouldn't be allowed to do it.
Jeremy: No, exactly. I mean, it would be like asking him [points to Richard] to cook Sunday lunch. Could you cook a Sunday lunch?
Richard: Yeah, you... boil the meat or whatever... no, I'm not—
Jeremy: You see?
Richard: I'm not interested in food so I'm not interested in cooking.
Jeremy: There you are, you see? You wouldn't ask him because he's not interested to cook you any food, you wouldn't ask me to do the washing up, you wouldn't ask James to... direct a porn film.
[The audience laugh as Jeremy looks very matter-of-fact]
James: Well, hang on. You say that, I think I'd actually direct quite a good porn film.
Jeremy: If you directed a porn film, it would be you arriving at the house of the woman in the stockings and you'd go [takes on a deep voice in imitation of James] "I've come to fix your boiler". And then you'd just fix it.
James: [considering] Might be. What's wrong with that?
Richard: If you haven't got the interest, you can't do it...you shouldn't be allowed to do it.
Jeremy: No, exactly. I mean, it would be like asking him [points to Richard] to cook Sunday lunch. Could you cook a Sunday lunch?
Richard: Yeah, you... boil the meat or whatever... no, I'm not—
Jeremy: You see?
Richard: I'm not interested in food so I'm not interested in cooking.
Jeremy: There you are, you see? You wouldn't ask him because he's not interested to cook you any food, you wouldn't ask me to do the washing up, you wouldn't ask James to... direct a porn film.
[The audience laugh as Jeremy looks very matter-of-fact]
James: Well, hang on. You say that, I think I'd actually direct quite a good porn film.
Jeremy: If you directed a porn film, it would be you arriving at the house of the woman in the stockings and you'd go [takes on a deep voice in imitation of James] "I've come to fix your boiler". And then you'd just fix it.
James: [considering] Might be. What's wrong with that?
TV Show: Top Gear
[Overlaying shots of Jeremy driving the Aston Martin V12 Vantage in the English countryside.]
Jeremy: Well, it's an Aston Martin Vantage with a V12 engine. What do you think it's going to be like? It is fantastic. It is wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. What it makes me feel, though, is sad. I just can't help thinking that thanks to all sorts of things...the environment, the economy, problems in the Middle East, the relentless war on speed... cars like this will soon be consigned to the history books. [drives past pictures of similar cars that have fallen out of use] I just have this horrible, dreadful feeling that what I’m driving here is an ending. [looks at the camera] Good night.
Jeremy: Well, it's an Aston Martin Vantage with a V12 engine. What do you think it's going to be like? It is fantastic. It is wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. What it makes me feel, though, is sad. I just can't help thinking that thanks to all sorts of things...the environment, the economy, problems in the Middle East, the relentless war on speed... cars like this will soon be consigned to the history books. [drives past pictures of similar cars that have fallen out of use] I just have this horrible, dreadful feeling that what I’m driving here is an ending. [looks at the camera] Good night.
TV Show: Top Gear