Top Gear Quotes
[Talking about what would be the best car to take on a Grand Tour of Europe]
Richard: What you want for a Grand Tour is engine at the front, nice comfy suspension, four seats and a boot for all your luggage
Jeremy: Exactly, like the Aston
Richard: Well, yeah, it's the best... apart from the fact that the Ferrari costs £140,000, the Lambo £150,000 and the Aston is the best part of £170,000
Jeremy: Yes
Richard: And it's the slowest to 60mph.
Jeremy: Yes
Richard: And it's got the smallest top speed
Jeremy: Yes. But... [pointing to the Ferrari] that's a V8, [pointing to the Lamborghini] that's a V10, [pointing to the Aston] that's a V12. MORE is better.
Richard: What you want for a Grand Tour is engine at the front, nice comfy suspension, four seats and a boot for all your luggage
Jeremy: Exactly, like the Aston
Richard: Well, yeah, it's the best... apart from the fact that the Ferrari costs £140,000, the Lambo £150,000 and the Aston is the best part of £170,000
Jeremy: Yes
Richard: And it's the slowest to 60mph.
Jeremy: Yes
Richard: And it's got the smallest top speed
Jeremy: Yes. But... [pointing to the Ferrari] that's a V8, [pointing to the Lamborghini] that's a V10, [pointing to the Aston] that's a V12. MORE is better.
TV Show: Top Gear
[About Romania]
Jeremy: We imagine that here [in Romania] it's full of oxes and people throwing stones at gypsies.
Jeremy: Coming here in a car that costs £168,000 is a bit like turning up in the Sudan in a suit made entirely out of food.
Jeremy: We imagine that here [in Romania] it's full of oxes and people throwing stones at gypsies.
Jeremy: Coming here in a car that costs £168,000 is a bit like turning up in the Sudan in a suit made entirely out of food.
TV Show: Top Gear
[In the Romania road trip, connecting the Bluetooth systems of the cars]
Jeremy: [voiceover] So that we could talk to each other on our long journey, we decided to pull over and connect our phones into the cars' Bluetooth systems. In the Aston and the Lamborghini, this was very easy. However, in the Ferrari...
Onboard computer voice: Every new phone must be prepared before it is used.
Richard: Yes, preparing my phone.
Onboard computer voice: You may have...
Richard: Yes, yes, yes.
Onboard computer voice: ..so that you can press the phone's button and say "Call Mary" to place a call to Mary. Pressing the VR button while the system is speaking...
Richard: PLEASE STOP!
Jeremy: [voiceover] So that we could talk to each other on our long journey, we decided to pull over and connect our phones into the cars' Bluetooth systems. In the Aston and the Lamborghini, this was very easy. However, in the Ferrari...
Onboard computer voice: Every new phone must be prepared before it is used.
Richard: Yes, preparing my phone.
Onboard computer voice: You may have...
Richard: Yes, yes, yes.
Onboard computer voice: ..so that you can press the phone's button and say "Call Mary" to place a call to Mary. Pressing the VR button while the system is speaking...
Richard: PLEASE STOP!
TV Show: Top Gear
[In the Romania road trip, talking about the Aston DBS Volante]
Jeremy: Aston Martin has gone to simply enormous lengths to make the DBS convertible as light as possible. It has a carbon-fibre bonnet, carbon-fibre wings, carbon-fibre boot, carbon-fibre door-pulls, even. They've even made the carpet out of a specially lightweight weave. And the results speak for themselves. This is by far and away... the HEAVIEST car of the three.
Jeremy: Aston Martin has gone to simply enormous lengths to make the DBS convertible as light as possible. It has a carbon-fibre bonnet, carbon-fibre wings, carbon-fibre boot, carbon-fibre door-pulls, even. They've even made the carpet out of a specially lightweight weave. And the results speak for themselves. This is by far and away... the HEAVIEST car of the three.
TV Show: Top Gear
[In the Romania road trip, when a Dacia Sandero overtakes them easily on the road]
Jeremy: [voiceover] For miles, our convoy ruled the road. But then...
Jeremy: Oh, my God! Look here!
Richard: What's that?! Wha...?
James: That's the Dacia Sandero!
Jeremy: I'm going to see if I can hold on to the back of it.
James: The 1.2 16-valve... that thing can shift!
Jeremy: Come on! Keep up with the Sandero!
Jeremy: [voiceover] For miles, our convoy ruled the road. But then...
Jeremy: Oh, my God! Look here!
Richard: What's that?! Wha...?
James: That's the Dacia Sandero!
Jeremy: I'm going to see if I can hold on to the back of it.
James: The 1.2 16-valve... that thing can shift!
Jeremy: Come on! Keep up with the Sandero!
TV Show: Top Gear
[In the news, talking about how Australian authorities are going to get tough on boozed up fans]
Jeremy: They say each fan is going to be limited to just 24 cans of lager each per day.
Richard: [sarcastically] Just 24?
Jeremy: 24 a day, no more than that.
James: And Australians, don't think you can get round this by switching to wine, because that's limited as well... to four litres a day.
Jeremy: They say each fan is going to be limited to just 24 cans of lager each per day.
Richard: [sarcastically] Just 24?
Jeremy: 24 a day, no more than that.
James: And Australians, don't think you can get round this by switching to wine, because that's limited as well... to four litres a day.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Talking about the Porsche Boxster Spyder's "clever" gearbox]
Richard: It's got a very clever gearbox, it's called the... *stumbles*
Jeremy: Is it German?
Richard: It's a German name, it's really complicated..
Jeremy: Oh God..
Richard: So can I just spell this out, it's a D, O, P, P, E, L.. K.. U.. P, P.. L... U... N, G... S.. G.. E, T, R.. I, E, B.. E.
[Talking about a long German word for a gearbox]
Jeremy: Do you know what that means? You speak German.
James: I do.
Jeremy: What's the only German you can say?
James: Aber ja, natürlich Hans nass ist, er steht unter einem Wasserfall.
Jeremy: What's that mean?
James: "Naturally Hans is wet, he's standing under a waterfall."
Richard: Ok...
[Audience laughs]
James: I use it all the time.
Richard: It's got a very clever gearbox, it's called the... *stumbles*
Jeremy: Is it German?
Richard: It's a German name, it's really complicated..
Jeremy: Oh God..
Richard: So can I just spell this out, it's a D, O, P, P, E, L.. K.. U.. P, P.. L... U... N, G... S.. G.. E, T, R.. I, E, B.. E.
[Talking about a long German word for a gearbox]
Jeremy: Do you know what that means? You speak German.
James: I do.
Jeremy: What's the only German you can say?
James: Aber ja, natürlich Hans nass ist, er steht unter einem Wasserfall.
Jeremy: What's that mean?
James: "Naturally Hans is wet, he's standing under a waterfall."
Richard: Ok...
[Audience laughs]
James: I use it all the time.
TV Show: Top Gear
[On the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that in the autumn, all his arms go brown and fall off. And that if he wrote you a letter of condolence, he would at least get your name right. All we know is, he's called the Stog.
James: You mean the Stig.
Jeremy: That's what I said. I said it!
Jeremy: Some say that in the autumn, all his arms go brown and fall off. And that if he wrote you a letter of condolence, he would at least get your name right. All we know is, he's called the Stog.
James: You mean the Stig.
Jeremy: That's what I said. I said it!
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight, James drives a milk float. Richard says "look out" backwards. And I cut my finger on some aluminium.
Jeremy: Tonight, James drives a milk float. Richard says "look out" backwards. And I cut my finger on some aluminium.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on first sight of Geoff]
Richard: That is the worst-looking car in the whole world. I'd rather look at one of your dingleberries.
Richard: That is the worst-looking car in the whole world. I'd rather look at one of your dingleberries.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Have we got anyone behind us? It's hard -
Richard: Yes, ohh yes. Yes, yes we have, yes.
Richard: Yes, ohh yes. Yes, yes we have, yes.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Talking about a new F1 team, Manor Grand Prix from near Sheffield]
Richard: I can't wait to see their new car. Don't worry about bothering with all that carbon fibre, I made mine out of steel. Steel!
Jeremy: Stainless steel. [putting on accent] I tell you what, if that Fernando Alonso twats into our car, his Ferrari'll be buggered. I'll tell ye that for nowt.
James: Funny, my dad worked in pit, and now I've got a job in pit.
Jeremy: They're replacing T'oyota and they've sang' Timo Glock, who presumably is currently learning why it's important to punch anyone who looks at 'im funny.
Richard: I can't wait to see their new car. Don't worry about bothering with all that carbon fibre, I made mine out of steel. Steel!
Jeremy: Stainless steel. [putting on accent] I tell you what, if that Fernando Alonso twats into our car, his Ferrari'll be buggered. I'll tell ye that for nowt.
James: Funny, my dad worked in pit, and now I've got a job in pit.
Jeremy: They're replacing T'oyota and they've sang' Timo Glock, who presumably is currently learning why it's important to punch anyone who looks at 'im funny.
TV Show: Top Gear
[About the British police thinking of using the Mitsubishi i MiEV]
Jeremy: Criminals! Would you like to get away with your crimes? Are you capable of running more than a hundred yards? Well, good news!
[...]
James: I don't want the police to crack down on CO2. I want them to get my bloody television back, because it's been six years since that was nicked and I haven't heard a peep out of them whilst they've been going on about cracking down on CO2. I'm going to have to buy another one at this rate.
Jeremy: What were you stopped for the other day? By a policeman. It was some motoring misdemeanour. He just turned around and said "Oh good, this must mean you've found my television."
Jeremy: Criminals! Would you like to get away with your crimes? Are you capable of running more than a hundred yards? Well, good news!
[...]
James: I don't want the police to crack down on CO2. I want them to get my bloody television back, because it's been six years since that was nicked and I haven't heard a peep out of them whilst they've been going on about cracking down on CO2. I'm going to have to buy another one at this rate.
Jeremy: What were you stopped for the other day? By a policeman. It was some motoring misdemeanour. He just turned around and said "Oh good, this must mean you've found my television."
TV Show: Top Gear
[on a recent study that showed driving fast cars increased testosterone levels in males]
James: I think that makes perfect sense, doesn't it? 'Cause whenever I drive a really nice, exciting car, I always get like a nice little... fizzing sensation.
Jeremy: Where is this fizzing sen -
James: Well, it's not actually in my penis, but it's - but it's sort of just behind it.
Jeremy: ... A fizzing sensation just behind your penis.
James: Yeah.
Jeremy: So isn't that the pit of your stomach?
James: No no no, lower down than that. Sort of right be -
Richard: That's your prostate, mate, you've sat on the gear lever.
James: I think that makes perfect sense, doesn't it? 'Cause whenever I drive a really nice, exciting car, I always get like a nice little... fizzing sensation.
Jeremy: Where is this fizzing sen -
James: Well, it's not actually in my penis, but it's - but it's sort of just behind it.
Jeremy: ... A fizzing sensation just behind your penis.
James: Yeah.
Jeremy: So isn't that the pit of your stomach?
James: No no no, lower down than that. Sort of right be -
Richard: That's your prostate, mate, you've sat on the gear lever.
TV Show: Top Gear
[a member of the audience claims also to have James's "fizzing sensation"]
Jeremy: You have? Or do you just want to be on television?
Jeremy: You have? Or do you just want to be on television?
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Now. We have to just touch on something, don't we, before we go, because -
Richard: Whoa, no! No no, no, no no, no no no, gaaah.
Jeremy: [facepalming] The news has gone wrong this week.
Richard: Whoa, no! No no, no, no no, no no no, gaaah.
Jeremy: [facepalming] The news has gone wrong this week.
TV Show: Top Gear
[On the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he has some terrible plans involving the moon. And that he was turned down for a place on I'm a Celebrity because he is one.
Jeremy: Some say that he has some terrible plans involving the moon. And that he was turned down for a place on I'm a Celebrity because he is one.
TV Show: Top Gear
[shouting over the noise of the diesel generator in Geoff Mk II]
Jeremy: So, James, this generator is charging the batteries as we drive along?
[subtitle: So James this generator is charging the batteries as we drive along?]
James: Yeah.
[subtitle: yes]
Richard: Well, that's brilliant! It's a hybrid! We've built a Prius.
[subtitle" This is an appalling racket. We are useless at everything]
Jeremy: You don't think the producers are messing with the subtitles, do you?
[subtitle: I am a big fat bald idiot]
Richard: No, they wouldn't do that!
[subtitle: And I am a short arse]
Jeremy: So, James, this generator is charging the batteries as we drive along?
[subtitle: So James this generator is charging the batteries as we drive along?]
James: Yeah.
[subtitle: yes]
Richard: Well, that's brilliant! It's a hybrid! We've built a Prius.
[subtitle" This is an appalling racket. We are useless at everything]
Jeremy: You don't think the producers are messing with the subtitles, do you?
[subtitle: I am a big fat bald idiot]
Richard: No, they wouldn't do that!
[subtitle: And I am a short arse]
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy However, before you can do that [offer a car for sale to the public], it must pass a series of stringent EU tests. So we took the Eagle Thrust to the motor industry's top-secret proving ground, just off the A5 between Atherstone and Hinckley, near Fenny Drayton.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Attempting to get their home-made car road certified]
Jeremy: Let's move on, and do the Pendulum Test. This is designed to measure how well a car will stand up to being sideswiped by a bus or a truck.
[The test is demonstrated on a Ford Fiesta, which is almost totally destroyed by the pendulum's impact]
Jeremy: Frankly it was hard to see how we could possibly pass this, but then James came up with a plan. [The three are shown standing by their car, which is sitting next to the lowered pendulum] A plan that would fool even the most astute EU bureaucrat.
Director: Action!
Jeremy: Wow!
James: Wow!
Richard: Wow!
[The three run away from the car, backwards, and the pendulum is raised up and away from the car]
Richard: Tuo kool!
Jeremy: So, now our car is going to face the fearsome Pendulum Test.
[The preceding sequence is played in reverse; the pendulum appears to fall towards the car]
Richard: [slurred] Look out!
[The pendulum appears to hit the car without doing any damage at all. The three presenters run towards it]
Richard: Wow?
James: Wow?
Jeremy: Wow? [voiceover] Wow, indeed. Another pass!
Jeremy: Let's move on, and do the Pendulum Test. This is designed to measure how well a car will stand up to being sideswiped by a bus or a truck.
[The test is demonstrated on a Ford Fiesta, which is almost totally destroyed by the pendulum's impact]
Jeremy: Frankly it was hard to see how we could possibly pass this, but then James came up with a plan. [The three are shown standing by their car, which is sitting next to the lowered pendulum] A plan that would fool even the most astute EU bureaucrat.
Director: Action!
Jeremy: Wow!
James: Wow!
Richard: Wow!
[The three run away from the car, backwards, and the pendulum is raised up and away from the car]
Richard: Tuo kool!
Jeremy: So, now our car is going to face the fearsome Pendulum Test.
[The preceding sequence is played in reverse; the pendulum appears to fall towards the car]
Richard: [slurred] Look out!
[The pendulum appears to hit the car without doing any damage at all. The three presenters run towards it]
Richard: Wow?
James: Wow?
Jeremy: Wow? [voiceover] Wow, indeed. Another pass!
TV Show: Top Gear
[commencing the "range test", with the Stig's vegetarian cousin at the wheel]
Jeremy: James? How long, realistically, are you expecting that to keep going?
James: Well, I've topped up the genny tank, so that's eight hours on the generator, and that fully charges the battery as well, so you get another hour out of those, just the batteries.
[we see Vegetarian Stig at the wheel, wreathed in a thick cloud of diesel generator exhaust]
Jeremy: So realistically, you're looking for nine hours of running.
James: Yeah.
[title card: THIRTY FIVE MINUTES LATER]
[the car is stopped and emergency crews are trying to revive Vegetarian Stig]
Jeremy: What's happened there is...
Richard: Well, the Stig's died.
Jeremy: James? How long, realistically, are you expecting that to keep going?
James: Well, I've topped up the genny tank, so that's eight hours on the generator, and that fully charges the battery as well, so you get another hour out of those, just the batteries.
[we see Vegetarian Stig at the wheel, wreathed in a thick cloud of diesel generator exhaust]
Jeremy: So realistically, you're looking for nine hours of running.
James: Yeah.
[title card: THIRTY FIVE MINUTES LATER]
[the car is stopped and emergency crews are trying to revive Vegetarian Stig]
Jeremy: What's happened there is...
Richard: Well, the Stig's died.
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight: James wears a stripy jumper. Richard drives a stripy Lamborghini, and we name the greatest car maker in the world.
Jeremy: Tonight: James wears a stripy jumper. Richard drives a stripy Lamborghini, and we name the greatest car maker in the world.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Talking about the Gallardo Balboni]
Richard: According to Top Gear research, 47% of caravanners enjoy wife swapping. Think what will happen when the keys for this baby come out the pot! Oh, yeah!
Richard: According to Top Gear research, 47% of caravanners enjoy wife swapping. Think what will happen when the keys for this baby come out the pot! Oh, yeah!
TV Show: Top Gear
[At Norwich airport]
Police helicopter: ...Not really aware of your intentions, but, ah... you've strayed into the controlled airspace of Norwich Airport.
James: I may be about to get a colossal aviation bollocking.
Police helicopter: ...Not really aware of your intentions, but, ah... you've strayed into the controlled airspace of Norwich Airport.
James: I may be about to get a colossal aviation bollocking.
TV Show: Top Gear
[mocking James after his flying airship caravan attempt fails]
Jeremy: And of course you had to drive it a lot more than you thought, because of the freak weather conditions that blighted James... the light breezes...
Jeremy: And of course you had to drive it a lot more than you thought, because of the freak weather conditions that blighted James... the light breezes...
TV Show: Top Gear
[About the Hawk Lancia Stratos kit car]
Jeremy: The interior would be familiar to Lancia fans. The pedals are nowhere near where the bottom of my legs are. The steering wheel is perilously close to where my testes used to be, before the seatbelt jammed them up to my lungs. The gear lever is like Bugs Bunny's ears, and one of the buttons on the dash operates the fire extinguisher... but I don't know which one it is, so I dare not touch any of them.
Jeremy: The interior would be familiar to Lancia fans. The pedals are nowhere near where the bottom of my legs are. The steering wheel is perilously close to where my testes used to be, before the seatbelt jammed them up to my lungs. The gear lever is like Bugs Bunny's ears, and one of the buttons on the dash operates the fire extinguisher... but I don't know which one it is, so I dare not touch any of them.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Talking with Guy Ritchie]
Jeremy: Now obviously - I'm sorry about this - I'm sure a lot of people are going to expect a lot of tittle-tattle about Madonna. Can I just say? This isn't Loose Women. So there'll be none of that. This is Top Gear and I'm more interested in your love of winching. [to audience] No, I'm not kidding, ok. You like - what's it called? Off-green-laning? Off-roading?
Guy: Green-laning and a bit winching. There's nothing like a good winch. As you know, It's a thing. I mean, it's quite a nerdy undertaking.
Jeremy: No, no, but there is. Because there are people who deliberately get stuck... [Guy smiles and nods] Don't tell me you're one of those? So you winch yours- you do don't you?
Guy: I mean, if you're into winching, you get stuck.
Jeremy: And so then you can get out - winch yourself out?
Guy: Yeah, well, if you don't get stuck you can't winch, so you deliberately look to get stuck.
Jeremy: I just find that fasci- cause what's the big appeal of winching a car?
Guy: It doesn't make any sense at all. Why should you want to get a car stuck and then get it out? But I gotta tell ya - it's a lot of fun. I can't believe I'm talking so much about winching.
Jeremy: Now obviously - I'm sorry about this - I'm sure a lot of people are going to expect a lot of tittle-tattle about Madonna. Can I just say? This isn't Loose Women. So there'll be none of that. This is Top Gear and I'm more interested in your love of winching. [to audience] No, I'm not kidding, ok. You like - what's it called? Off-green-laning? Off-roading?
Guy: Green-laning and a bit winching. There's nothing like a good winch. As you know, It's a thing. I mean, it's quite a nerdy undertaking.
Jeremy: No, no, but there is. Because there are people who deliberately get stuck... [Guy smiles and nods] Don't tell me you're one of those? So you winch yours- you do don't you?
Guy: I mean, if you're into winching, you get stuck.
Jeremy: And so then you can get out - winch yourself out?
Guy: Yeah, well, if you don't get stuck you can't winch, so you deliberately look to get stuck.
Jeremy: I just find that fasci- cause what's the big appeal of winching a car?
Guy: It doesn't make any sense at all. Why should you want to get a car stuck and then get it out? But I gotta tell ya - it's a lot of fun. I can't believe I'm talking so much about winching.
TV Show: Top Gear