Top Gear Quotes
testing the Noble M600]
Jeremy': This down here is exactly the same switch that a pilot uses in a Tornado fighter-bomber to fire the missiles. It was specifically designed so it couldn't be used by accident, and that is a good thing. Because in here what it does... is turn the traction control off. ...Aah! I wish I'd kept it on! Oh, I really wish I'd kept it on!
Jeremy': This down here is exactly the same switch that a pilot uses in a Tornado fighter-bomber to fire the missiles. It was specifically designed so it couldn't be used by accident, and that is a good thing. Because in here what it does... is turn the traction control off. ...Aah! I wish I'd kept it on! Oh, I really wish I'd kept it on!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: And so, belting down the M1, you arrive in Leicestershire, and there is a 20-mile set of roadworks there—20 miles—which have average speed cameras set at 50mph for the entire length. Traffic's light, there's no rain, it's three lanes, but you're forced to do 50. Now, I don't know who the Minister of Transport is, but I want him to find the man who came up with that idea, go round to his office on Monday morning and punch him really hard in the side of his head. Just— [mimes punching someone] —bumff. 'Coz if he doesn't, I'm going to find the man, and I'm going to attach him to a milling machine, and I'm gonna see if it's possible to turn a man's head into a perfect cube. [audience laugh] Do you know why they have the 50mph speed limit? To protect the workforce... who weren't there! They were in bed, where I wanted to be!
James: No, I agree, I agree with you entirely, but the answer is not cubing people's heads. The answer is, when the workforce isn't there, do 70.
Jeremy: Well, you're just gonna get nicked.
James: No, but if everybody does 70—
Jeremy: Okay, who here would just do 70 through a set of roadworks with an average speed camera? [only James puts his hand up] Nobody, James! You go charging through and you're just gonna get booked!
James: No, but that's fine, but you can test it; stay at 70, because that's the speed limit, take it to court, in front of the jury, and you argue, correctly, that it is wrong to apply a 50mph speed limit when there's no-one there to protect.
Jeremy: So you're saying it's logic.
James: It is logic.
Jeremy: It's logic to kill Peter Mandelson.
James: No it isn't.
Jeremy: It is. No, it is, but you can't do it.
James: Killing Peter Mandelson is a grey area. But doing 70mph on the motorway—
James: No, I agree, I agree with you entirely, but the answer is not cubing people's heads. The answer is, when the workforce isn't there, do 70.
Jeremy: Well, you're just gonna get nicked.
James: No, but if everybody does 70—
Jeremy: Okay, who here would just do 70 through a set of roadworks with an average speed camera? [only James puts his hand up] Nobody, James! You go charging through and you're just gonna get booked!
James: No, but that's fine, but you can test it; stay at 70, because that's the speed limit, take it to court, in front of the jury, and you argue, correctly, that it is wrong to apply a 50mph speed limit when there's no-one there to protect.
Jeremy: So you're saying it's logic.
James: It is logic.
Jeremy: It's logic to kill Peter Mandelson.
James: No it isn't.
Jeremy: It is. No, it is, but you can't do it.
James: Killing Peter Mandelson is a grey area. But doing 70mph on the motorway—
TV Show: Top Gear
[On the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say his new Christmas range of fragrances includes the great smell of Wednesday. And that he was turned down for the job of EU President, because his face is just too recognisable. All we know is he's called The Stig!
Jeremy: Some say his new Christmas range of fragrances includes the great smell of Wednesday. And that he was turned down for the job of EU President, because his face is just too recognisable. All we know is he's called The Stig!
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight! We drive down a sewer. We power-slide across a field. And we do some other things as well.
Jeremy: Tonight! We drive down a sewer. We power-slide across a field. And we do some other things as well.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Describing the new BMW]
Jeremy: The results are as dramatic as putting a furious weasel in your underpants.
Jeremy: The results are as dramatic as putting a furious weasel in your underpants.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Also on the BMW]
Jeremy: This car would be less annoying to eco-mentalists if its engine ran on sliced dolphin.
Jeremy: This car would be less annoying to eco-mentalists if its engine ran on sliced dolphin.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Describing an outfitted Range Rover they have in the studio]
Jeremy: And here is the really amazing bit. This is what's called a "self-replenishing drinks cabinet". For the first year you own the car, when your drink supplies are getting low, they come 'round and top them up free of charge!
Richard: Wow! Wow!
James: Do I have to buy the car, or can I just have the self-replenishing drinks cabinet?
Jeremy: Honestly, I tell you what: if I bought this car, the diesel in the tank after one year would be exactly the same as it was when it came.
Richard: You'd still be in the same field. I tried drinking the diesel but then the man arrived with more champagne! I just want one of those!
Jeremy: No, it is. I mean really and truthfully, this is the car to buy if you are sensible... or if you're a drunk!
Jeremy: And here is the really amazing bit. This is what's called a "self-replenishing drinks cabinet". For the first year you own the car, when your drink supplies are getting low, they come 'round and top them up free of charge!
Richard: Wow! Wow!
James: Do I have to buy the car, or can I just have the self-replenishing drinks cabinet?
Jeremy: Honestly, I tell you what: if I bought this car, the diesel in the tank after one year would be exactly the same as it was when it came.
Richard: You'd still be in the same field. I tried drinking the diesel but then the man arrived with more champagne! I just want one of those!
Jeremy: No, it is. I mean really and truthfully, this is the car to buy if you are sensible... or if you're a drunk!
TV Show: Top Gear
[On the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that the drinks cabinet in his car contains fourteen different types of custard. And that while he has been known to leave his house in a bit of a hurry, he's never once hit a fire hydrant. All we know he's called the Stig!
Jeremy: Some say that the drinks cabinet in his car contains fourteen different types of custard. And that while he has been known to leave his house in a bit of a hurry, he's never once hit a fire hydrant. All we know he's called the Stig!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Some say that you shouldn't go round to his house for your Christmas lunch unless you enjoy the great taste of seagull. And that the reason he always wears a helmet is because a man once smashed him in the face with a model of Salisbury Cathedral. All we know is, he's called the Stig.
TV Show: Top Gear
[on the Aston Martin Rapide]
James: All this is yours for 140,000 pounds. Now that is quite a bit more expensive than Porsche's four-door, the Panamera, but, there are two very good reasons why you should choose the Aston Martin. Firstly, and unlike the Porsche, it does look rather magnificent. And secondly, most importantly, this is quintessentially British. Despite the fact that it's made in Austria. Which I think is in Germany.
James: All this is yours for 140,000 pounds. Now that is quite a bit more expensive than Porsche's four-door, the Panamera, but, there are two very good reasons why you should choose the Aston Martin. Firstly, and unlike the Porsche, it does look rather magnificent. And secondly, most importantly, this is quintessentially British. Despite the fact that it's made in Austria. Which I think is in Germany.
TV Show: Top Gear
[Jeremy accidentally sprays himself in the face with some RAC-branded perfume]
Jeremy: MY EYES!
Richard: You cretin.
Jeremy: I'm blind.
Jeremy: MY EYES!
Richard: You cretin.
Jeremy: I'm blind.
TV Show: Top Gear
[examining an unofficial Richard Hammond calendar]
James: Why are you drunk in all the pictures?
Richard: Well, I don't know, I haven't seen - looks like all the pictures were taken coming out of awards ceremonies, so yes, I probably was drunk.
James: Why are you drunk in all the pictures?
Richard: Well, I don't know, I haven't seen - looks like all the pictures were taken coming out of awards ceremonies, so yes, I probably was drunk.
TV Show: Top Gear
[David Coulthard and Jeremy's painting-with-an-F1-car experiment ends with Jeremy being hit in the testicles by high-speed paintballs and collapsing to the ground screaming]
David: I'll tell you, I'm not giving him mouth-to-mouth, that's for sure.
David: I'll tell you, I'm not giving him mouth-to-mouth, that's for sure.
TV Show: Top Gear
David: You sprayed my helmet!
Jeremy: You shot one of my testicles- Oh, I see, that helmet!
Jeremy: You shot one of my testicles- Oh, I see, that helmet!
TV Show: Top Gear
David: Can we edit the spin out?
Jeremy: Yes, we can edit that out.
David: You promise?
Jeremy: Yes, we can edit that out.
David: You promise?
TV Show: Top Gear
[Jeremy has been taped to a chair to keep him out of the way while Richard and James cut a Vauxhall Astra in half with a plasma lance]
Jeremy: This is like a scene from Reservoir Dogs.
Richard: Don't give us ideas.
Jeremy: Guys?
Richard: What?
Jeremy: Where did you find that car?
Richard: Well, it was just outside with all the rest of them for this.
Jeremy: 'Cause it says here, RJ04 RWZ, it's a rental car.
[Richard stares in horrified disbelief.]
Jeremy: This is like a scene from Reservoir Dogs.
Richard: Don't give us ideas.
Jeremy: Guys?
Richard: What?
Jeremy: Where did you find that car?
Richard: Well, it was just outside with all the rest of them for this.
Jeremy: 'Cause it says here, RJ04 RWZ, it's a rental car.
[Richard stares in horrified disbelief.]
TV Show: Top Gear
[Richard Hammond is talking to a number of radio stations near Middlesbrough about himself when he should've publicised the car art exhibition in the Mima gallery, Jeremy Clarkson is listening to this while driving the art car to the Mima gallery and is hysterical with anger]
Jeremy: I'M GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK!
[We switch back to Richard Hammond, he is currently talking about the game show Total Wipeout]
Jeremy: TOTAL WIPEOUT IS JUST IDIOTS FALLING OVER, TALK ABOUT OUR ART EXHIBITION!
Jeremy: I'M GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK!
[We switch back to Richard Hammond, he is currently talking about the game show Total Wipeout]
Jeremy: TOTAL WIPEOUT IS JUST IDIOTS FALLING OVER, TALK ABOUT OUR ART EXHIBITION!
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight, on new serious Top Gear, James catches fire, Richard knocks something over, and I crash a Reliant Robin into a lamp post.
Jeremy: Tonight, on new serious Top Gear, James catches fire, Richard knocks something over, and I crash a Reliant Robin into a lamp post.
TV Show: Top Gear
[On the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that his discharge is luminous, and that even as we speak, he is appearing on the main stage at Glastonbury performing his most famous hit, Superstition. All we know is, he's called the Stig!
Jeremy: Some say that his discharge is luminous, and that even as we speak, he is appearing on the main stage at Glastonbury performing his most famous hit, Superstition. All we know is, he's called the Stig!
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the News]
James: Everybody, good news! Wait, it's better than you think! The new Dacia Duster is coming to the UK! (Crowd cheers and applauses)
James: Everybody, good news! Wait, it's better than you think! The new Dacia Duster is coming to the UK! (Crowd cheers and applauses)
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the Star in a Reasonably Priced Car segment]
Nick Robinson: Wow, I like the smell of burning rubber. God, it's addictive!
Nick Robinson: Wow, I like the smell of burning rubber. God, it's addictive!
TV Show: Top Gear
[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight, James gets wet, an actual spin doctor on our track, and the Stig laps a Reliant Robin.
Jeremy: Tonight, James gets wet, an actual spin doctor on our track, and the Stig laps a Reliant Robin.
TV Show: Top Gear
[On the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say there are 17 different reasons why he's banned from the Northampton branch of Little Chef, and that his favorite airline pilot is Mark Webber. Two actually, all we know of course, he's the Stig!
Jeremy: Some say there are 17 different reasons why he's banned from the Northampton branch of Little Chef, and that his favorite airline pilot is Mark Webber. Two actually, all we know of course, he's the Stig!
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: The only reason you two didn't buy a Ford Sierra Sapphire Cosworth is because you've forgot about it.
TV Show: Top Gear
Jeremy: Come on, I'm the tallest thing here.
Richard: It's not as bad as you think actually!
Jeremy: I'm trying to be killed by lightning!
Richard: What?
Jeremy: I'm trying to be killed by lightning!
Richard: Sorry?
Jeremy: ... Are you deaf?!
Richard: Sorry?
Richard: It's not as bad as you think actually!
Jeremy: I'm trying to be killed by lightning!
Richard: What?
Jeremy: I'm trying to be killed by lightning!
Richard: Sorry?
Jeremy: ... Are you deaf?!
Richard: Sorry?
TV Show: Top Gear
[When arguing over the fact that Richard's BMW M3 E36 car is more spacious than Jeremy's Ford Sierra Sapphire Cosworth and James' Mercedes-Benz 190E 2.3-16 Cosworth by the judges]
Jeremy: This is ridiculous!
Richard: The judges' decisions are final!
Jeremy: Say, say the BMW is the most spacious because it was made in Bavaria. It's...that's, that's like saying, "Who's the tallest Top Gear presenter? It's Richard Hammond because he's from Birmingham!".
Richard: No! It's not!
Jeremy "Who's the fastest driver of the three? It's James May because he's wearing his Mum's curtain!"
Richard: No, it really is, it really is the most spacious car. That's the fact, and that's the judges' decision, live with it!
Jeremy: This is ridiculous!
Richard: The judges' decisions are final!
Jeremy: Say, say the BMW is the most spacious because it was made in Bavaria. It's...that's, that's like saying, "Who's the tallest Top Gear presenter? It's Richard Hammond because he's from Birmingham!".
Richard: No! It's not!
Jeremy "Who's the fastest driver of the three? It's James May because he's wearing his Mum's curtain!"
Richard: No, it really is, it really is the most spacious car. That's the fact, and that's the judges' decision, live with it!
TV Show: Top Gear
James: Hey! Good news! No, I have secured some top secret film taken inside the factory of the new Dacia Duster being made.
Jeremy: Excellent! Excellent! [quickly] anyway..
Jeremy: Excellent! Excellent! [quickly] anyway..
TV Show: Top Gear